Archive for October, 2008

29
Oct
08

Just in Time for Halloween: Girl’s Costume Warehouse

Perhaps the greatest advertisement in the history of advertisements. This is a classic I watch every year around Halloween. It never gets old. Go ahead, watch it on continuous loop.

Verdict: Awesome

23
Oct
08

Final Fantasy X Can Suck It

I hate you, Tidus.

I hate you, Tidus.

Final Fantasy X has to be one of the worst pieces of shit that Square has ever squeezed out. It seems to me that the only people who liked this one had no other Final Fantasy games or other RPG’s to compare it against. I find it to be really disturbing that people are ranking the best RPG’s of all time as #1) Final Fantasy VII and #2) Final Fantasy X. I mean seriously, what the fuck? This game is complete bullshit. Let’s take a quick look at how Square completely fucked up the genre they had once revolutionized.

1.) No world map - Yes, instead of an expansive, detailed world just waiting for you to explore (not to mention wander around and level up), you are given a completely linear path in which you can only walk in one direction if you want to progress in the game. That’s total bullshit. Half the fun of any RPG is exploration, and that aspect of the game is taken right out.

2.) Grid Sphere System - What. The. Fuck. So instead of a traditional leveling system we have this incomprehensible grid where you can pick and choose what skills you want each character to learn. Ok, I’ll admit that it sounds cool on paper. But Jesus, did they even fucking test this shit out? It’s ridiculous. You don’t even get more HP or increased stats such as MP or strength when leveling up. No, you just get more moves on the goddamn sphere grid. You have to choose all your moves carefully and use your spheres appropriately, or you won’t learn the right spells at the right times or get all the necessary HP and strength upgrades. It’s fucking retarded, and overly complicates everything. Plus, I don’t even know where any of the cool spells are, so you never know which direction to move to optimize your characters.

I would much rather play this game.

I would much rather play this game.

3.) No Strategies Allowed - As in all previous Final Fantasy games, certain bosses have unique characteristics. For example, in Final Fantasy X, you can choose to either be close to, or far away from the boss, Evrae. Depending on your distance, the attacks you can use and it can use, vary. My first attempt was to stay far away and then move in once its HP had been drained. That didn’t work well, as it pummeled the living shit out of my characters. So the next time I thought I’d do the opposite. Unfortunately, once its HP was low enough, you couldn’t move away from the monster, it kept coming in after you. So basically, you don’t get to use any strategy you want. You have to fight it the way the game wants you to. Why even bother having this “option” in the first place, if they aren’t going to let you use it whenever you want? This is essentially Square’s method of having “fake strategy,” and saying “fuck you” to all the players.

4.) They’ve Been Talking for HOW Long Now? - Jesus. Tapdancing. Christ. They talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk. Forever. In the old games there was tons of dialogue, but if you read fast you could get through it quickly and return to the gameplay. In this piece of shit you have to listen to the horrible voice acting. You can maybe skip half of it if you mash the X button furiously, but that gets old after a while. The dialogue is cheesy, the acting is high school quality, and the story is lame as hell. Plus, the main character, Tidus, is a really annoying asshole. This is the first Final Fantasy game where the main character was my least favorite. The story of the Final Fantasy games is one of the series’ biggest draws. But it’s tough caring about the story when you don’t give a shit about any of the characters.

5.) Graphics - They are blocky and pixellated. The backgrounds look like shit. The only things that really look good are the full-motion videos. Also, lip movements don’t match spoken words, meaning the dubbing was poorly done.

There are probably more complaints that I could add, but I can’t think of anything else at the moment. I can’t believe Square put out this monstrosity. What I can believe, however, is that this is everyone’s second favorite game in the series. People are idiots.

Verdict: Shitty

17
Oct
08

My Neighbor Totoro

Catbus

Catbus

Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus

Totoro and friends

Totoro and friends, Catbus not present

Verdict: Awesome
Verdict of whatever crack Miyazaki was smoking when he made this movie: Incredibly Awesome

09
Oct
08

2001: A Space Odyszzzzzzzz

Guys in ape costumes are totally realistic.

Guys in ape costumes are totally realistic.

Just about every film “expert” in the world has a raging boner for this movie. Why? I have no goddamn idea. This movie stands as one of the greatest examples of excessive, self-indulgent, masturbatory bullshit ever made. There is no plot. But I’ll tell what there is a lot of. Dead space. The film will literally drag on for 10-15 minutes at a time with no dialogue or characters on screen whatsoever. Filling that time is a bunch of special effects, and Stanley Kubrick’s massive ego. I’m really not sure what Kubrick was going for here. For example, having a shot of a shuttle drifting toward a space station, while classical music plays… for 10 fucking minutes. Jesus, Kubrick, you could have easily done that in one minute, and not come off as a pretentious douchebag in the process. That’s the problem with this movie. It’s two and a half hours long, but if you fast forward through the special effects orgies, you could probably watch it in about an hour and fifteen minutes. Admittedly, there are a few cool ideas here. For example, the Monoliths, which appear to be some kind of sentient beings. They show up and bestow intelligence on primitive man in a very interesting scene… which is again ruined by lasting too goddamn long. Every fucking scene in this movie goes on for twice as long as it needs to. Any punch or effectiveness is lost, and you are left with a lingering sense of irritable impatience. The movie overstays it’s welcome time and time again, making you hate it. If any other director tried this he would have been placed in the same category as Uwe Boll, but because the “great” Stanley Kubrick did it, everyone jerks off over this movie. Continue reading ’2001: A Space Odyszzzzzzzz’

06
Oct
08

Sexman Monday: Political Genius

This site’s political commentator, Sexman, has a few things to say about the upcoming election. If you weren’t sure how to vote before, this should definitely clear everything up.




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