Archive for February, 2009

26
Feb
09

This is What Hell Must Be Like

10th Circle of Hell

10th Circle of Hell

For those of you who have played Super Mario Galaxy for the Wii, you know that this is one of the greatest games of all time. Seriously, it’s incredible. This game manages to be complex and simple, and is fun for both casual and hardcore gamers. You are also probably aware that to obtain two of the games 120 stars, you have to play a timed mini-game that involves blowing up garbage. Well, this is one of the must frustrating things ever conceived. The problem is that the bombs take forever to blow up, and the 30 second time limit makes it nearly impossible to accomplish. To make matters worse, when you fail, the Trash Bitch robot yells at you for not doing it fast enough. Just like Sisyphus, you look back at the garbage pile, ready to blow up what remains, only to see that it has all returned. If Dante had been alive long enough to play video games, he certainly would have described this as the 10th circle of Hell. I can just imagine the fuckers who programmed this shit laughing their asses off, thinking about how many people would be screaming in frustration as they failed to complete this mini-game time and time again. While Super Mario Galaxy is without a doubt the best Mario game to date, blowing up trash is definitely the worst adventure thrust upon the gaming world.

22
Feb
09

Kiss My Colossal Ass

Oh shit.

Oh shit.

So I started playing Shadow of the Colossus for PS2 quite a while ago. The game has some really nice features, but it has ONE HUGE GLARING PROBLEM THAT PISSES ME RIGHT THE FUCK OFF! If you’ve played the game, I bet you know what that one thing is: wandering around the world map trying to find the goddamn Colossi. This morning I wanted to fight the seventh colossus, but I didn’t get to. I spent half a fucking hour riding the horse around, trying to find the boss. I eventually quit because I felt like my head was going to explode from the rage building inside me. Wandering around the world map in this game is much worse than in a Zelda or Final Fantasy game. At least in those games you can fight bad guys, level up, or discover secrets while traveling. Here, you get nothing. No music, no enemies, no anything. It’s minimalistic, and aggravating. Sure, it seems like a cool aesthetic choice at first, but if you can’t find the boss, it gets old quick. And the fucking sword is no help at all. You use the light to show you where to go, but it doesn’t help. It either points straight into a fucking mountain, or you are in a shady area, and you can’t use it at all. It’s really annoying. What the hell were they thinking? I’ll concede that the colossi battles are really fun and unique, but everything in between is the most uninspiring shit ever put on a disc.

Verdict: Boss Battles (awesome), Everything Else (shitty)




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