Archive for November, 2009

23
Nov
09

Ass Effect

Asssss Effect

Every website in existence told me that Mass Effect was essentially the second coming of Christ in video game form. So was it? Well, if Christ is a really annoying, boring asshole who closely follows standard genre tropes, then I guess the reference fits. Somehow, I don’t think that’s what they were going for.

Here’s a list of reasons why Mass Effect sucks:

1.) It’s not an RPG. — This game is billed as an RPG. Even though you have dialogue options throughout, and some of them are hilarious, that doesn’t really make it an RPG. The storyline is still just as linear as Final Fantasy X, which makes it an adventure game. You don’t actually “role play,” you just get to choose good, bad, or neutral dialogue options.

2.) The story is incredibly bland. — What’s that? A rogue alien has hatched a plan that will destroy all life in the universe? Yawn.

3.) The “ZOMG 8 Alternate Endings!” are really just 2 alternate endings. — There is a good ending and a bad ending. That’s it. There are minor variations in each, but those do not constitute “alternate endings.” Chrono Trigger had 12 endings, and that game was on the Super Nintendo. You’d think that the makers of Mass Effect would strive for something more, but they didn’t because they are a bunch of lazy assholes. On the other hand, maybe they figured they couldn’t top Chrono Trigger and gave up.

4.) Slow loading times.

5.) THE FUCKING ELEVATORS ARRRRRGH! — Could these things move any fucking slower? OK, I get it. They are just an opportunity for the game to load the next area and have it appear seamless, but it’s just boring as hell. I’d rather see a loading screen than stare at my three motionless party members and listen to announcements over the PA system.

6.) The side quests are annoying as fuck. — This is unimaginative shit at its worst. “Oh, can you please go collect 3 of these items or 10 of those items?” Is this really necessary? I thought collecting shit was supposed to be something you did on a scavenger hunt, not a fucking video game. All I want to do is kill shit, not waste my time traveling from planet to planet, and digging in the dirt for some random crap that will give me absolutely no advancement in the storyline.

7.) Barren Planets — What exactly is the point of this? I mean, seriously, who thought it would be a good idea to have you drive around on huge piles of dirt looking for the next plot point? Idiots, that’s who. And anyone who thought it was fun to explore and find “extra stuff” in the Mass Effect wasteland of mediocrity is retarded.

8.) The secondary characters are completely unmemorable.

9.) Driving the car — I’d rather lick my own ass than spend another fucking second driving the car around. It’s a rubbery piece of shit that bounces all over the place. The mechanics of maneuvering this thing are horrendous. It only has the one shitty machine gun, and no cannon. And just like your hand held weapons, the gun can overheat, which is annoying as fuck. Oh, and let’s not forget that while you are repairing damage you can’t move. Everything about the car is just another, “What the hell were they thinking?” scenario.

10.) “Before I can give you this item that will save all life in the universe, first you have to do me a favor.” — FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The one positive side of this game, is that you can have sex with one of your crew members. And they have a nice ass, too.

As far as RPGs go, Mass Effect is terrible and a waste of time… but it’s still better than Okami.

Verdict: Bad

14
Nov
09

Rebuild of Evangelion 1.0, the Dub Review

Delicious Eva-flavored Doritos

In honor of the first Rebuild of Evangelion movie being released on DVD in the U.S., I thought I’d post my thoughts of the dub. My dub review comes from a theatrical viewing of the dub a few months ago, and is not representative of the DVD. But they should be identical anyway.

First of all, I completely loathed the original Evangelion dub (and I hated the original movie dubs even more). It had one of the worst assembled casts of all time. Worse than the people in “Manos: The Hands of Fate.” Not to mention one of the shittiest directors, Matt Greenfield, ever. Basically, he just cast a bunch of his no-talent friends, and had them ham it up. The original dub is on par with what you’d find in a middle school drama class. It is fucking awful. A testament to why you should never watch a dub. And just in case any of you think I “hate all dubs,” let me explain something else. There are some anime dubs that I loved, and watch those shows exclusively in English (e.g. Cowboy Bebop, Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex, Outlaw Star, and Fullmetal Alchemist — just to name a few). Anyway, my expectations for the Rebuild of Evangelion dub were extremely low. I was expecting a turd on celluloid. So, how did it hold up?

Continue reading ‘Rebuild of Evangelion 1.0, the Dub Review’




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