23
Nov
09

Ass Effect

Asssss Effect

Every website in existence told me that Mass Effect was essentially the second coming of Christ in video game form. So was it? Well, if Christ is a really annoying, boring asshole who closely follows standard genre tropes, then I guess the reference fits. Somehow, I don’t think that’s what they were going for.

Here’s a list of reasons why Mass Effect sucks:

1.) It’s not an RPG. — This game is billed as an RPG. Even though you have dialogue options throughout, and some of them are hilarious, that doesn’t really make it an RPG. The storyline is still just as linear as Final Fantasy X, which makes it an adventure game. You don’t actually “role play,” you just get to choose good, bad, or neutral dialogue options.

2.) The story is incredibly bland. — What’s that? A rogue alien has hatched a plan that will destroy all life in the universe? Yawn.

3.) The “ZOMG 8 Alternate Endings!” are really just 2 alternate endings. — There is a good ending and a bad ending. That’s it. There are minor variations in each, but those do not constitute “alternate endings.” Chrono Trigger had 12 endings, and that game was on the Super Nintendo. You’d think that the makers of Mass Effect would strive for something more, but they didn’t because they are a bunch of lazy assholes. On the other hand, maybe they figured they couldn’t top Chrono Trigger and gave up.

4.) Slow loading times.

5.) THE FUCKING ELEVATORS ARRRRRGH! — Could these things move any fucking slower? OK, I get it. They are just an opportunity for the game to load the next area and have it appear seamless, but it’s just boring as hell. I’d rather see a loading screen than stare at my three motionless party members and listen to announcements over the PA system.

6.) The side quests are annoying as fuck. — This is unimaginative shit at its worst. “Oh, can you please go collect 3 of these items or 10 of those items?” Is this really necessary? I thought collecting shit was supposed to be something you did on a scavenger hunt, not a fucking video game. All I want to do is kill shit, not waste my time traveling from planet to planet, and digging in the dirt for some random crap that will give me absolutely no advancement in the storyline.

7.) Barren Planets — What exactly is the point of this? I mean, seriously, who thought it would be a good idea to have you drive around on huge piles of dirt looking for the next plot point? Idiots, that’s who. And anyone who thought it was fun to explore and find “extra stuff” in the Mass Effect wasteland of mediocrity is retarded.

8.) The secondary characters are completely unmemorable.

9.) Driving the car — I’d rather lick my own ass than spend another fucking second driving the car around. It’s a rubbery piece of shit that bounces all over the place. The mechanics of maneuvering this thing are horrendous. It only has the one shitty machine gun, and no cannon. And just like your hand held weapons, the gun can overheat, which is annoying as fuck. Oh, and let’s not forget that while you are repairing damage you can’t move. Everything about the car is just another, “What the hell were they thinking?” scenario.

10.) “Before I can give you this item that will save all life in the universe, first you have to do me a favor.” — FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The one positive side of this game, is that you can have sex with one of your crew members. And they have a nice ass, too.

As far as RPGs go, Mass Effect is terrible and a waste of time… but it’s still better than Okami.

Verdict: Bad

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7 Responses to “Ass Effect”


  1. September 9, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Not only is the overall plot of a rogue agent boring and overused, but the story structure itself and how it’s told through the gameplay is nearly identical to the first KotOR game. You start out on a ship, then you go to a starter planet (admittedly Eden Prime and Taris are nothing alike in terms of gameplay), then after the starter planet gets fucked you go to an allied location, then you go to four planets (and one of them has a research station has gone dead), then you go to a lost ancient world, then finally you have a final battle on a massive space station where you can somewhat redeem the bad guy. And not only is the story copy and pasted, the barren planets are too. The best part of the barren planets – copy and paste prefabs. Now some of them make sense like Prefab shelters… but then you have shit like underground complexes that are all the same fucking prefab. How do you make a prefab mine!?

    P.S. I know this was written two years ago and the mako is a pile of shit… but it does have a main cannon.

  2. February 19, 2012 at 7:29 am

    “Chrono Trigger had 12 endings, and that game was on the Super Nintendo.”

    You know what’s great about your stuff, Brik? Even when I disagree with you it cracks me up.

    I liked Mass Effect a lot, but… some of your points are spot on. Those missions in the moon buggy definitely did suck ass.

    Those “Screeenshots” of the dialogue tree you have there is hysterical. Did you do that one? Its great…

  3. 4 g
    May 11, 2014 at 7:34 pm

    Avoiding mass effect because of this, sequels were much better. Also what the hell is with titles including ass. Code geass did it too jesus.


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