25
Jun
11

Your Wedding Sucked

Wedding season is currently underway, and I thought I should make a public service announcement. I know that weddings are a weird topic for Awesomely Shitty, but I felt it was my duty to impart my invaluable words of wisdom onto you. I’ve attended a lot of weddings, including my own, which makes me practically an expert on the subject. So, if you’re planning on having your own, here’s a list of ways you can royally fuck up your wedding and piss off everyone.

1.) The ceremony is too long – A typical rookie mistake. Nobody wants to sit for more than 15-20 minutes watching the two of you stand motionless while some crusty old tool reads through a long-winded ceremony. The longer it goes, the more anxious people are going to be to leave, not to mention they’ll be furious. Of course you thought the 75 minute ceremony with Catholic Mass included was “beautiful.” But your 200 guests didn’t. They were hopelessly bored and contemplating suicide as a means of escape.

2.) The ceremony is too short – I know it seems impossible for the ceremony to be too short, but the last wedding I went to had a ceremony which clocked in at 5 minutes. At any wedding, the ceremony is the main event. The reception is the celebration of that. Obviously, the reception is the fun part with drunken debauchery and horny bridesmaids, but that doesn’t mean you should have the ceremony take two seconds. Put some goddamn thought into the readings, music, and vows to make it worthwhile. Otherwise, you might as well get married by an Elvis impersonator in Vegas.

3.) Somebody read 1 Corinthians – You know the one, “Love is patient, love is kind, love is cliche, love is etc.” Every wedding I have been to except for two (mine skipped it) had this. It is the most overused piece of shit reading. Maybe the sentiment is nice, but it’s hard to like it when you hear it all the fucking time. Love is great and all, but considering 50% of marriages end in divorce, is love really something we want to hear about at a wedding?

4.) You did the Sand Ceremony – The bride and groom each get their own color of sand and the two are mixed together in a single container. The symbolism is obvious enough that even a blind person could see it. Like 1 Corinthians, the sentiment is a nice idea but it, too, is so overused that it has become a massive cliche. If you really look you’ll find a million ideas similar to this but different. People should try and keep it varied instead of doing the same crap over and over. It’s boring for the guests and it makes your wedding generic and forgettable, just like the two of you.

5.) You had a theme wedding – Since the two of you met at a Lord of the Rings convention you thought it would be a good idea to dress up as Aragorn and Arwen for the wedding. Well, guess what? It was a terrible idea. Sure, people love Star Wars, but they don’t love it enough to endure the torture of seeing two assholes in cheap cardboard Boba Fett costumes getting hitched. Perhaps sexy Samus from Metroid and Master Chief from Halo might be acceptable, but don’t count on it. Everyone will just be laughing at your retarded theme.

6.) The ceremony is in a different location than the reception – Nobody wants to drive all they way out to your long fucking ceremony just to get right back in their car to drive somewhere else to get shitty buffet food. Keep both events in the same location.

7.) The Cocktail “Hour” – Usually this is an hour blocked off immediately after the ceremony and before the reception officially begins. It was traditionally reserved for the bride and groom and wedding party to take pictures together, as in the good old days the bride and groom hadn’t seen each other until the ceremony on the wedding day. Of course this is completely stupid now that we live in the 21st century. All the brides and grooms live together and have already fucked a billion times before getting married, so not seeing each other before the ceremony is sort of a moot point. Nobody likes waiting around for an “hour” wasting their time for you to take your fucking pictures. Get that shit done BEFORE the ceremony. That way nobody has to wait. Besides, the “hour” is usually anywhere from 90 minutes to 2 hours. It’s never an hour. This is the part where your guests get hungry and angry and want to leave and/or punch you in the face for wasting their goddamn Saturday afternoon.

8.) The DJ is super cheesy – Hey guess what? Nobody likes the Chicken Dance. Also, nobody gives a shit about YMCA or The Electric Slide. In fact, people hate that shit. It’s only fun if you are super trashed and 14 years old. Make sure that you hire somebody who can cut out the cheesiness. If not, the guests are going to be groaning and rolling their eyes and making fun of your wedding for the rest of their lives. If you have to hire someone who costs a few extra bucks and is a real professional, then go ahead and spend the money.

9.) You hired a band – Hiring a live band is the one of the WORST mistakes you could make. Bands suck. Musicians are some of the whiniest, laziest, most entitled slugs on the planet. Get four or more of them together and you have a cocktail for disaster. They’ll play for 30 minutes straight and then take an hour break. And since your wedding reception is only going to last 4-6 hours, most of the time there’s going to be silence or a backup DJ playing in the background anyway. Plus, a DJ is cheaper. Also, nobody likes to hear a crappy band’s cover songs. Also, they don’t know a lot of songs you want them to play. Also, don’t hire your brother’s shitty band. Just don’t hire a band. It never works.

10.) You spent most of the budget on the dress and/or venue and the reception budget was an afterthought – Nobody wants to celebrate your marriage at McDonald’s Funland, so don’t blow your wad on the dress.

11.) The food is served buffet-style – Your guests traveled great distances, they spent a lot of money on a gift for you, you probably spent all of 2 minutes talking to them (because you can’t spend more than 2 minutes with each guest if you want to see them all), you forced them to endure a painfully slow cocktail “hour” and the bride’s brother’s shitty cover band, and you reward them with SURPRISE! YOU CAN SERVE YOUR OWN FOOD, ASSHOLE! A wedding is supposed to be a fancy, fun dinner party. When was the the last time you spent an assload of money on dinner and the fucking waiter told you to go serve yourself? That’s right, never. Having a buffet is a huge slap in the face to your guests.

12.) Serving ethnic food – Unless you are Mexican, no, scratch that, even if you are Mexican, do not serve Mexican food. Mexican food is the worst fucking thing to serve at a wedding. Nothing says class like rice, beans, and tamales. Great idea loading your guests up with stuff that clears out their bowels an hour after eating. The same holds true for Chinese food and Indian food. Unless everyone there is Chinese or Indian, your guests don’t want to eat that shit at a wedding. They just don’t. Is it racist? Probably, but it’s true. Don’t deny it.

13.) Cash Bar Only – I endured the ceremony from hell, yet another reading of 1 Corinthians, had to waste gas money driving to your fucking separate locations, and you won’t even spend the money to give me free alcohol? How about just a beer? No? Not even a free Coke? Fuck you!

14.) Asking for cash instead of having a gift registry – No, just no. This one should be obvious. The whole point of the gift registry is to give the newlyweds shit they need to start their lives together. You know, the necessities like a cappucino machine, a Wii Fit, and a lifetime supply of lube. If the happy couple tells the guests to just give them cash money, they can go spend it on whatever they want, which usually entails them taking your money to pay for the wedding. It’s like telling the guests when they walk in the door SURPRISE, DICKWAD! YOU JUST PAID FOR OUR WEDDING AND HONEYMOON, AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN GET ANY FREE ALCOHOL OUT OF THE DEAL! Next time you see someone asking for cash in lieu of a gift, make sure you get a gift. Bonus points for something useless and non-returnable.

15.) The bride and groom are just wrong for each other – You know who they are. The extremely co-dependent couple. The groom who is a huge douchebag. The bride who poked holes in the groom’s condoms so she could get knocked up and he would marry her out of an old-fashioned sense of duty. Regardless of the story, if the couple is just wrong for each other, nobody is going to have a good time. You know from the moment they say “I do” they will be getting a divorce. It’s only a matter of time.

There you have it. A wedding is one of the most narcissistic events imaginable. The whole thing is nothing more than LOOK AT US WE ARE SO AWESOME COME TO OUR PARTY AND GIVE US MONEY AND CONGRATULATE US WHILE WE CELEBRATE OURSELVES! If the bride and groom have any sense they should try to make the event fun for their guests. Sadly, most couples do not, so it makes attending weddings one of worst things imaginable. Funerals at least are shorter and don’t require you to bring a gift. Let this be a guide to all of you who read this. If you avoid all (or at least most) of these mistakes, you can actually have a good wedding. Your guests will remember it fondly instead of forever recalling what a shitfest it was.

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19 Responses to “Your Wedding Sucked”


  1. 1 TEH Fabulous Hal E. Burton 9000
    June 30, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    YES.

    Weddings have always been a kick in the arse for me. As far as I am concerned, just putting the man’s “finger” in a certain woman’s “ring” is the only necessary ceremony. (Zing!)

    I totally agree with 1-4, 6-13, and 15.

    On no. 6, I would not have a problem with a theme if it was intentionally amusing. For instance, a wedding on December 21, 2012, could (and arguably should IMO) look like it is taking place in a war zone, including the bride’s maids and groomsmen wearing gas masks, the bride and groom wearing bulletproof vests and ammo belts, the maid of honor and the best man brandishing a shotgun and a rocket launcher respectively, the minister in fatigues and a headdress that a Mayan priest may wear, pranking the guests by serving MRE’s at the reception, the wedding cake looking like a Mayan temple, etc. I know I am sick and need help, but this is too much fun.

    On no. 14, while I agree it is extremely cheap to stick people other than the bride and groom and their parents with the bill, it is also cheap to give lube (that IS a great yet practical gag gift, but still) or something like a toaster. Don’t cappuccino machines cost thousands? These days, something like gold or silver would be better.

  2. 3 ogloszenia londyn praca
    July 10, 2011 at 6:58 am

    Glad to be one of several visitants on this awe inspiring internet site : D.

  3. 4 Laurel
    October 5, 2012 at 10:43 am

    My fiance found this while searching for a reading for our wedding (NOT 1 Corinthians, don’t worry) and we laughed hysterically at the entire post!! Almost all of it is so true, and I would know since I’ve been to about a million weddings. I have to fight for the buffet though!! Less work for us figuring out who gets what and then people can see the options and get whatever the want. Right??

    • October 5, 2012 at 10:54 am

      I’m happy to hear the two of you enjoyed the post. If you avoid 14 of the 15 things on the list, then your wedding will turn out all right. And a buffet isn’t the worst thing ever, just as long as you have more than one option (only one choice defeats the purpose of a buffet). Good luck with your wedding!

    • November 4, 2013 at 8:40 pm

      I’m with you on the buffet…. for all those lactose intolerant, vegan vegetarians who don’t eat meat, sugar or additive 442, go figure out your own menu please. We’re not spending extra just to let you eat something different from everyone else. Have your damn turkey or chicken or whatever and be goddam happy about it.

  4. 8 Emma
    December 22, 2012 at 4:39 am

    Your comment “Hiring a live band is the one of the WORST mistakes you could make” is utter rubbish. Hiring the wrong band is probably a better statement. Function “wedding bands” are pretty much all the same, and play the same garbage. But if you hire a swing band, or a big band, then you have made your day stand out from the rest of the boring crappy Mustang Sally playing junk out there. Be creative with your wedding we did when we hired a swing band, they were great people, they played a jazz dinner set for us , and played 2x1hr sets of great music, and also provided the music we wanted during their breaks. Do some research before you make a bold statement like that. Dj’s are a waste of money I agree.

  5. 10 Melissa
    January 3, 2013 at 7:49 pm

    F that! Maybe the whole money as a gift thing is looked down on elsewhere, but in the northeast, you’re pretty much a douche if you DON’T cover your plate. No one needs a freaking crock pot and fine china anymore, and if they need it, they most likely already have most of it.

    Who’s baking muffins these days? Who is old enough to get married that doesn’t already have pots and pans?

    Besides, you’re talking about weddings that DON’T suck?? How does this sound: Hey everybody, I just picked out a bunch of things that I like that I would like you to buy me. Then we can stand around at a shower ‘Oooing and Ahhing’ as I open things we all already know I’m getting because, oh yeah, I picked it out and everyone can see the registry.

    Better yet, lug some of that shit with you to the reception while in your finest attire! Frankly, I prefer cash – as a guest OR a bride.

    • January 4, 2013 at 7:47 am

      You know, I have heard about people only giving cash in the Northeast. The point of the gifts is to give things the couple doesn’t have or to give them something nicer. Sure, Mrs. Brik and I had some pots and pans but they were old and shitty. We were able to get some nice ones that we could never afford as a gift. I’d prefer to cook on good quality items, rather than something worn-out. But it sounds like you don’t cook anyway, so that wouldn’t matter to you. And I’m pretty sure there’s a shitload of people who still bake muffins. Also, the bride and groom open their gifts after the wedding, alone, they don’t have an extra event for it. I agree, cash is great, and I would never turn it down. But asking for cash comes off as greedy. You don’t ask for cash when you have a birthday party, do you?

  6. July 8, 2013 at 4:53 pm

    Please paint with a wider brush next time moron…..maybe one you can pull out of your girlfriends ass

  7. July 15, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    I can’t believe people gave you flack for this list because it is freaking awesome! You hit the nail right on the head, every single point. My favourite part was “nobody gives a shit about YMCA or The Electric Slide. In fact, people hate that shit. It’s only fun if you are super trashed and 14 years old”. Orange Crush almost came out of my nose when I read that, so thank you, I needed a laugh.

    • July 15, 2013 at 5:12 pm

      The list is perfect, isn’t it? People are just mad because I pointed out something they did at their wedding. I guess now I owe you a new Orange Crush, huh?

  8. 16 Corinthian Leatherface
    July 22, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    16. Morning wedding; evening reception; nothing in between. Worse: wedding one day; reception some other day.

    17. Open bars–that only serve beer and wine. Worse: wine only. Worst: kosher wine only.

    18. The best man is an ex-coworker the groom barely knows, but who was selected because he is the same minority ethnicity as the bride, and thus was presumed to be, among other things, familiar with the non-Christian, non-Jewish ceremony, but proves to be utterly clueless. Worse: best man chosen to fit racial scheme gives toast obviously cribbed from Internet, as he doesn’t know jack shit about the groom (or bride), beyond the fact that the groom-to-be cheated on the bride-to-be during a company event.

    19. Cramped venue (e.g., inviting 75 people to a ceremony on a patio built for three).

    20. Not enough food (e.g., all 75 guests are expected to share a single salmon). Worse: salmon has been sitting out all day in August heat.

    I stopped going to weddings, because at most one in four is worth the effort. (Hetero weddings, anyway. I’d love to go to a gay wedding, just to see if it’s as awful as its “straight” counterparts.)

    I still have to figure a way to block birth announcements.

  9. 17 Gretchen
    September 17, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    I absolutely love your article. I could not agree with you more about every point you made. A wedding is an extremely narcissistic event. The whole thing is pretentious bullshit, but no one on earth seems to acknowledge this fact. Most people get married and have a wedding, but why? Do they actually think that anyone really cares to go to their party, except maybe their parents? I’ve been a guest at several weddings in the last few years, and the bride and groom post their gift registries all over the internet. I could never imagine asking anyone to buy me anything. So why do other people have no problem with it? Those weddings I went to – a few of the couples were in their twenties, and one was in their late thirties, and it didn’t matter. They all asked for gifts and did the whole routine where the bride and groom didn’t see each other before the wedding. All the couples had lived together for awhile (one couple had lived together for a decade). Ridiculous. I absolutely cannot stand weddings. Again, bravo for an excellent article.


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