12
Apr
13

Horse Meat is Horsalicious

“Wilbur, nooo!”

I love a good scandal.

There are all kinds of scandals. Sex scandals, financial scandals, government scandals, and that guy who hates gays but turns out to be gay himself scandals. The crazier the better. And right now, Europe is in the throes of one of the craziest scandals of all time. A horse meat scandal.

Delicious.

It all started in January 2013 when horse meat was found mixed in with frozen beef in the UK and Ireland. Genetic testing revealed as much as 29% of the sold meat was from horses. ABP Food Group’s subsidiaries were found to be culpable in the UK and Ireland. February, in France, a company called Spanghero was caught intentionally selling horse meat labelled as beef. Apparently, they bought the meat from Romania, where it had been labeled correctly, and then changed the label to beef. This seemed like a good idea at the time, because people could unwitting get all the health benefits of horse meat Big Macs.

Also in February, Europe-wide frozen food company Findus started testing its meat and found that 60-100% of its meat was from horses. 60 to 100%? Seriously, you guys? All of your “beef” was actually horse and nobody could tell the fucking difference? Its supplier was Comigel, another French company. Comigel stated that its supplier was Spanghero. Oh, man, Spanghero, you are totally fucked now. A devious plan to save a few Euros will now likely end up shutting you down completely. I’m sure if Europe is anything like the U.S., the geniuses who came up with this idea will be given huge paycheck bonuses.

But wait, there’s more! Do you like Swedish meatballs? How about cheap furniture? Is your ideal date wandering around the maze of Ikea and then sitting down in their cafeteria to eat Swedish meatballs? Well, it turns out they were serving horse meatballs all along! This shit is turning out to be an epidemic! Nestle, Birds Eye, Sodexo, and Latvian company Kursu Zeme were all selling some degree of horse meat mixed in with their beef. Oh, but guess what? It keeps on coming! Now it looks like UK Burger King and Taco Bell are selling horse meat, too! Nothing says fiesta like eating a dead horse! (Although, for Taco Bell, horse meat may be an improvement from the rat meat they have traditionally used.)

He doesn’t have any formal training.

Everyone is up in arms about this horse meat scandal. After all, who eats horse anyway? Well, as it turns out, a shitload of people. Pretty much everyone in Asia: including China, Japan, Indonesia, and Korea. And pretty much everyone in Europe, too. Most notably, France, Belgium, Iceland, Italy, and Norway. Oh hey, look who else loves horse meat: Canadians! Well, at least people from Quebec. I suppose being settled by the French has something to do with that. And you know what? Eating horse meat recently became legal again in the U.S., although culturally it isn’t very popular.

What’s the big deal, anyway? It’s not unhealthy. Dietarily speaking, it’s on par with beef. Hell, it must look and taste like beef, since it had most of Europe fooled for who knows how long. The French apparently love eating horse, since they were packing up Findus’ beef products with 100% horse meat. Spanghero was just trying to show the world how delicious horses are. I’d bet they were waiting until the right moment to reveal they were force-feeding everyone horse meat in an attempt to make it the top cuisine in the world.

So why is it the British, Irish, and Americans don’t like it? There is one simple explanation: horses are cute.

Yes, we snobby Westerners refuse to eat any animal that looks cute. Dogs? Forget about it. Cats? No way? Horses? Nope. Monkeys? Not a chance. Whales? You’re crazy. Other humans? Well, they sound tasty, but good luck finding that on the menu at McDonald’s. (Maybe Jack in the Box serves it.)

Delicious.

Pretty much anything that is considered cute (cat, whale) or a companion animal (horse, dog) is off-limits. We spend so much time admiring these species that we anthropomorphize them and think they are just like humans. And since we don’t eat humans, we don’t eat things we associate with humans.

A few years ago I visited Japan. At a sushi restaurant I learned they served whale. I wondered if I should try it. Where else in the world could I eat whale? When was I ever going to have another opportunity? Besides, the whale was already dead and ready to be served. It would be wasteful to not eat it. So, I went ahead and ordered. And you know what? It was fucking delicious! It was so damn good I ordered seconds. It got me thinking, “Maybe cute animals taste even better than normal-looking animals? Maybe the cuteness sweetens the meat? Maybe the taboo of eating them makes them all the more delectable?”

I answered “yes” to all of those questions. So now, I am on a quest to eat the cutest animals I can find. The following is a list of cute animals I intended to eat someday:

Gotta catch ‘em all!

I’m sure there are many more cute, delicious animals waiting to be eaten. I haven’t eaten horse yet, but I can’t wait. I’m sure it tastes horsalicious.

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16 Responses to “Horse Meat is Horsalicious”


  1. 1 Devin Doiron
    April 12, 2013 at 7:40 am

    I don’t see what the big deal is. What makes a horse so much different from a cow? I guess people just sort of domesticated horses or some shit.

  2. April 12, 2013 at 8:15 am

    Lmao @ “I’m sure if Europe is anything like the U.S., the geniuses who came up with this idea will be given huge paycheck bonuses.”

    Anyways, I guess I don’t want to eat horse but based on all this drama I probably have so whatever. I love lamb meat so who am I to judge.

    A great burger place in Baltimore serves kangaroo as a meat option. You probably can find that one with similar ease for your cute-meat eating pleasure.

    • April 12, 2013 at 9:04 am

      Lamb is one of my all-time favorites, too. You know, I was watching “Hell’s Kitchen” recently, and Chef Ramsay was having one of those tests where the competitors had to identify a type of meat based on taste only. Several people guessed Kangaroo. Of course, they were all wrong. But until then, I had no idea that people actually did eat Kangaroo. I guess I’ll be on my way to Baltimore!

  3. 5 WL
    April 13, 2013 at 9:54 am

    What a concept. So, do you think that when cute animals act cute, the meat gets tender and tastier?

  4. April 16, 2013 at 3:58 am

    This made me laugh. Those people who thought that those shitty ready made frozen meals who genuinely thought that all the meat they were getting in their “mince” was 100% beef were clearly just stupid! I understand that the whole palava is over the fact that it was advertised as beef with no mention of anything else. But seriously, I bet horse meat tastes amazing. Better than beef. Coming from someone who’s only recently started eating of the cow. I don’t know why I held out so long!

    Also, these were horses that were put out to pasture. What’s the sense in wasting the meat? Cold of me to say, I know, but in a world where we’re told time and time again that we need to be more conscious of our resources, surely that applies here.

    Lamb is amazing so yes, I bet all baby animals are amazing. Though I couldn’t eat a dog. And I bet cats taste like shit. Because they are little shits. Anything smaller than that isn’t worth my time.

    • April 16, 2013 at 12:23 pm

      Jaina, congratulations on finally eating cow. It truly is the best. See what you’ve been missing all these years? And when it comes to dogs and cats, I live by the immortal words of Ron Swanson, “Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are useless.”

  5. April 17, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    LOL. Dude. You’re messed up. Honest. The fact that youre funny gets in the way sometimes, but you really are messed up. 8O :D

  6. 11 70srichard
    April 18, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    I just popped in from Fogs Link Bomb, lookin around and stuff.

  7. April 21, 2013 at 10:39 am

    I woud eat horse, if I was starving like in one of those old time western films. I have not eaten kangaroo yet but my softball mitt is a Nokona made of supple Kangaroo hide. Best mitt I have ever owned.


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