03
Aug
13

Letters to The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Glamorous Hollywood stars.

Dear The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo,

I recently watched you, and thought I should let you know about something called brevity. With an excruciatingly long running time, clearly you have never heard of this important concept. Next time, keep things concise. Like this letter.

Sincerely,

BrikHaus

————

Dear The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo,

I wanted to commend you for your amazing characters. The female lead, Elizabeth Salamander, is tough and hardcore. This is depicted to the audience by her shaved eyebrows, crazy hair, tattoos and piercings, and the fact that she is a loner. Thank you for not boring us with drab personal details like how she grew up, the inner workings of her psyche, or why she chooses to give herself such a unique appearance. We really should just take her at face-value, that’s the best thing to do. The male lead, James Bond, is also tough and hardcore. We see this by his wearing glasses hanging off of one ear. James Bond never ages, why should he need glasses? He doesn’t. I figured this was just a subterfuge by your exceptionally good writing. Keep up the good work. I hope to see more face-value characters in your sequel.

Yours,

The Public at Large

You’re wearing them wrong.

————

YO GIRL WIT DRAGON TATOO,

YOU ARE SO HOTT. I WANNA HIT THAT ASS TOTALLY. TEH SEX SCENES IN YOUR MOVIE WERE SOOO HOTT. I LIKED YOUR ANAL RAPE SCENE. I TOTALLY GOT OFF ON DAT. IT WAS HOTT. I ALSO LIKE THE LESBIAN STUFF BUT YOU SHOULDA SHOWED MORE OF DAT. I ALSO LIKE WHEN THE GUY AND GIRL JUST START HAVING SEX AFTER THE GUY GETS SHOT IN DA HEAD. DAMN IM GONNA SHOOT MYSELF IN DA HEAD JUST SO A GIRL WILL HAVE SEX WIT ME. THAT SHIT IS SOOO HOTT.

CALL ME,

HOTT HORNY GUY

————

Dear The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo,

I really enjoyed you! I thought I’d send you a quick letter so I could tell you my favorite parts!  (1) Walking into the theater, some guy looked at my lady friend with a rapist’s grin and started making laser sound effects!  (2) During the blowjob scene, the old guy sitting in the seat in front of me let out a long, low groan!  (3) How the entire film was out of focus! That’s it! I hope you are as much fun the second time around!

Warmest Regards,

Person Who Likes Every Movie They See

Nice haircut.

————

Dear The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo,

I love your tats! Where do you get them? I am probably gonna get a dragon tat cause yours was so badass. It will go really well with the dolphin ankle tat I got! We should hook up sometime and compare. What do you say?

Sincerely,

Tattoo Enthusiast

————

Dear The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo,

Thanks for the graphic depictions of rape and torture. I can’t use my imagination very well, so I’m glad we got to see those things in excruciating detail. Also, thanks for destroying my appetite so I couldn’t eat any of the popcorn I just bought. I like to waste money on stuff like that.

Go to Hell,

Mrs. Brik

————

YO GIRL WIT DRAGON TATOO,

Y DIDNT YOU CALL ME? IM STILL HORNY AND YER STILL HOTT. COME ON GIMME A CALL. I WILL SHOW U THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE. STRAIGHT UP HEAT UP IN HERE.

CALL ME,

HOTT HORNY GUY

“Your gunshot wound is getting me all hot.”

————

Dear Teh Girl Wiht teh Dagon tAttoo,

NIN, or Nine Inch Nails, too those who arent cool is probly teh best band of all tiem. Teh music fits in sooo well. Probly even better than in Teh Social Network. Trent Reznor is sooo cool. He is against teh machine and find a unique path in his music life. I am an uber fan. I have all his mp3s. nOw I need to download his new album for tihs movie. Theres probly lots of torrents for it.

Signed,

Uber NIN fan.

————

Dear Girl with Dragon Tattoo,

I’m really confused. I didn’t understand anything that happened in you. You had a bunch of Nazis, and that was cool. But the Nazis didn’t get their faces melted off or anything like in Raiders of the Lost Ark. That would have made you a lot cooler if you had something like that. I didn’t get why the son of a serial killer would also be a serial killer. Is that genetic? Also, the missing girl stuff didn’t make sense either. You didn’t really explain any of it. She ran away, and her cousin ran away, and then her cousin died and then she took her dead cousin’s identity? Didn’t anyone bother looking for the cousin? Why didn’t anyone mention that until the last few minutes of the movie? It seems like a sloppy Deus Ex Machina to me, but then again, you are mysterious so it is probably just my fault for not understanding. Thanks, and I hope next time the Nazis get a good ass-whooping!

Respectfully,

Confused Guy

I think this belongs in a different movie.

————

dear the girl with the dragon tattoo,

im only 16 but my bf and i snuck into see u anyways. i thought tha main guy was hot and had a nice body but his face was all crinkly and he looked kinda old. the girl was all right, what kind of motorcycle is that anyways? i kept on texting my friend veronica during u cuz she and her bf are fightin all the time cuz she sexted him and he put the pics up on some website. this old dude behind me got all mad and yelled at me for texting veronica but my bf told that douchebag to suck it. anyways i thought it was cool to see an r rated movie and im glad i got to see u. veronicas bf is a total douchebag but mine is great. he just got me a promise ring.

hugs and kisses,

high school girl

————

Dear TGWTDT,

I was hoping you could give me the phone number to director David Fincher. He is such an amazing film director. I can’t believe how he has yet again created another film masterpiece. I’d just like to give him a call so I could offer to give him fellatio in thanks for creating this movie. I loved his use of dark lighting. I loved his use of a cold open that made no sense. I loved how he had a crazy James Bond-esque opening credits sequence that didn’t fit the tone of the film at all. I loved how the pacing is incredibly slow and nothing happens for a really long time. I loved how there are several back to back montages of people investigating stuff. And just when you think there couldn’t be any more — BAM — another montage! Brilliant! I loved everything about this movie. TGWTDTT, you are a god-tier film, and David Fincher is a god himself, an Adonis, really. I am immediately putting this film in my top-ten list, and declaring David Fincher the greatest director of all time.

With Love,

Internet Film Bloggers

DERP!

————

YO GIRL WIT DRAGON TATOO,

FINE I GUESS YOU AINT GONNA CALL ME THEN. YOU CAN GO TO HELL YOU STUPID BITCH. FINE. I DONT NEED YO ASS AFTER ALL. BUT IF YOU CHANGE YER MIND AND WANNA RIDE A STALLION YOU CAN STILL CALL ME.

CALL ME,

HOTT HORNY GUY

————

Verdict: Shitty

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10 Responses to “Letters to The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”


  1. August 3, 2013 at 8:47 am

    This was a fun read, but I strongly disagree.

  2. August 3, 2013 at 10:41 am

    Brik, love these letters. But guess what? Have to disagree! Not surprising really. Yeah, it was long and winding at times, but man did it suck me in. Solid film in my eyes.

  3. August 3, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    I laughed several times reading this, even if I don’t really dislike the movie. Good stuff Also, I can’t believe you published my Nine Inch Nails fan letter!

  4. August 3, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    I’m more a fan of the original but this one did a decent enough job. However, love the letters! Very creative :)

  5. 9 The Woman with the Dragon Tattoo
    August 3, 2013 at 10:12 pm

    If Daniel Craig’s in it, it’s bound to suck.

    Have you seen the trilogy starring Noomi Rapace? It’s pretty fucking good. And not only because the titles don’t refer to a grown woman as a girl.

    • August 4, 2013 at 3:04 pm

      After watching this one, I have no desire to watch the originals. Sure, they may be better, but this was so painful to watch, I don’t know how I could see it all over again.


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