10
Aug
14

The Heat, Missing William

The Heat

Fuck this movie.

The Heat is a 2013 travesty starring Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy. At this point, it’s clear that McCarthy is a one-trick pony. Her entire schtick is acting like a brash, foul-mouthed bitch who always thinks she’s one step ahead of everyone else. Frankly, it’s tiresome. It worked in Bridesmaids, but that was it. She is trying to make an entire career on this act, and it just isn’t going to keep up forever. Anyway, this disaster of a movie is about an FBI agent (Bullock) and a Boston cop (McCarthy) who must work together to bring down a drug operation. One is straight-laced and uptight, another is a free spirit. THEY’RE TOTAL OPPOSITES, ZOMG, HOW ORIGINAL! They start out hating each other, learn that they have differences, and by the end become best friends. Fuck that shit. This has been done a billion times before, and far better in pretty much every other version out there. Not even Bullock can save this movie as her comedy falls flat, and her face looks waxy like it has been Botoxed a hundred times before every scene. I don’t know what the fuck anyone was thinking when making this piece of shit, but they were obviously on crack. There aren’t any worthwhile jokes, the story is insipid, and the acting is terrible. What a waste of time.

Verdict: Shitty

Missing William

“It’s not cheating if your husband’s a vegetable, I swear.”

This is not a movie I would choose to watch. A family member of mine wrested control of my Netflix account and this was their choice. I figured, “What the hell, it’s an acclaimed drama, how bad can it be?” Did I say “acclaimed drama?” I should have just said “drama.” There is nothing worthy of any accolades here. It’s a drab, boring, relentlessly depressing affair. It’s about a chick who is in love with both that one guy from Veep and the dude who played Superman. She’s married to Veep Guy, but secretly wants to bone Superman. I mean, he is Superman, although the shitty Bryan Singer version. Anyway, Veep Guy gets a traumatic brain injury and drools his way through the rest of the movie. Everyone immediately tells the chick she needs to dump his ass and move on, but she resists, she can’t leave her husband even if he is a vegetable. It’s kind of startling that they would do this, including the chick’s mother, but whatever, maybe they’re all a bunch of assholes. When the movie reaches its conclusion, she finally kisses Superman. His super kiss is so powerful that it shocks her into reality, and she realizes: VEEP GUY HAS BEEN DEAD THE WHOLE TIME ZOMG! Yeah, that’s right, this movie pulls a total Shyamalan. Veep Guy surviving his accident was a delusion. If she was going to have a delusion of her husband being alive, wouldn’t it at least be one of him not being a vegetable? Eh, whatever. After the twist ending, the movie abruptly ends with no resolution whatsoever. Missing William is a movie that everyone should definitely miss.

Verdict: Shitty

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6 Responses to “The Heat, Missing William”


  1. August 10, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    Thank you, sir, for bravely wading into the fray to watch these two travesties that almost anyone with any reason would steer far the fuck away from at all costs.

    It’s obvious how fucking terrible they must be. As I was reading your words, I’m pretty sure I could feel your soul ache as you tried to remember these train wrecks.

    Thank you, again. You’re doing God’s work, son. God’s work.

  2. August 13, 2014 at 10:53 pm

    The Heat was derivative shit. Spot on. Why the fuck anyone would pay to see Melissa McCarthy perform in ANY capacity at all, absolutely staggers me.

  3. 5 xz03
    September 9, 2014 at 4:29 pm

    I laughed so hard at the “drools his way through the rest of the movie” it made me drool. I do that when I laugh, it’s always made me look sinister.


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