Ass Effect

Every website in existence told me that Mass Effect was essentially the second coming of Christ in video game form. So was it? Well, if Christ is a really annoying, boring asshole who closely follows standard genre tropes, then I guess the reference fits. Somehow, I don’t think that’s what they were going for.

Here’s a list of reasons why Mass Effect sucks:

1.) It’s not an RPG. — This game is billed as an RPG. Even though you have dialogue options throughout, and some of them are hilarious, that doesn’t really make it an RPG. The storyline is still just as linear as Final Fantasy X, which makes it an adventure game. You don’t actually “role play,” you just get to choose good, bad, or neutral dialogue options.

2.) The story is incredibly bland. — What’s that? A rogue alien has hatched a plan that will destroy all life in the universe? Yawn.

3.) The “ZOMG 8 Alternate Endings!” are really just 2 alternate endings. — There is a good ending and a bad ending. That’s it. There are minor variations in each, but those do not constitute “alternate endings.” Chrono Trigger had 12 endings, and that game was on the Super Nintendo. You’d think that the makers of Mass Effect would strive for something more, but they didn’t because they are a bunch of lazy assholes. On the other hand, maybe they figured they couldn’t top Chrono Trigger and gave up.

4.) Slow loading times.

5.) THE FUCKING ELEVATORS ARRRRRGH! — Could these things move any fucking slower? OK, I get it. They are just an opportunity for the game to load the next area and have it appear seamless, but it’s just boring as hell. I’d rather see a loading screen than stare at my three motionless party members and listen to announcements over the PA system.

6.) The side quests are annoying as fuck. — This is unimaginative shit at its worst. “Oh, can you please go collect 3 of these items or 10 of those items?” Is this really necessary? I thought collecting shit was supposed to be something you did on a scavenger hunt, not a fucking video game. All I want to do is kill shit, not waste my time traveling from planet to planet, and digging in the dirt for some random crap that will give me absolutely no advancement in the storyline.

7.) Barren Planets — What exactly is the point of this? I mean, seriously, who thought it would be a good idea to have you drive around on huge piles of dirt looking for the next plot point? Idiots, that’s who. And anyone who thought it was fun to explore and find “extra stuff” in the Mass Effect wasteland of mediocrity is retarded.

8.) The secondary characters are completely unmemorable.

9.) Driving the car — I’d rather lick my own ass than spend another fucking second driving the car around. It’s a rubbery piece of shit that bounces all over the place. The mechanics of maneuvering this thing are horrendous. It only has the one shitty machine gun, and no cannon. And just like your hand held weapons, the gun can overheat, which is annoying as fuck. Oh, and let’s not forget that while you are repairing damage you can’t move. Everything about the car is just another, “What the hell were they thinking?” scenario.

10.) “Before I can give you this item that will save all life in the universe, first you have to do me a favor.” — FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The one positive side of this game, is that you can have sex with one of your crew members. And they have a nice ass, too.

As far as RPGs go, Mass Effect is terrible and a waste of time… but it’s still better than Okami.

Verdict: Bad

Rebuild of Evangelion 1.0, the Dub Review

Delicious Eva-flavored Doritos

In honor of the first Rebuild of Evangelion movie being released on DVD in the U.S., I thought I’d post my thoughts of the dub. My dub review comes from a theatrical viewing of the dub a few months ago, and is not representative of the DVD. But they should be identical anyway.

First of all, I completely loathed the original Evangelion dub (and I hated the original movie dubs even more). It had one of the worst assembled casts of all time. Worse than the people in “Manos: The Hands of Fate.” Not to mention one of the shittiest directors, Matt Greenfield, ever. Basically, he just cast a bunch of his no-talent friends, and had them ham it up. The original dub is on par with what you’d find in a middle school drama class. It is fucking awful. A testament to why you should never watch a dub. And just in case any of you think I “hate all dubs,” let me explain something else. There are some anime dubs that I loved, and watch those shows exclusively in English (e.g. Cowboy Bebop, Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex, Outlaw Star, and Fullmetal Alchemist — just to name a few). Anyway, my expectations for the Rebuild of Evangelion dub were extremely low. I was expecting a turd on celluloid. So, how did it hold up?

Planetes

Fuck you Hachimaki, fuck you.

A lot of times, people think back to the “good old days” of any medium (film, TV, music, anime), and only remember the good stuff. They tend to forget about the huge mountain of shit that got produced every year. That’s why they can get tricked into thinking that the current stuff is terrible, but in the past “EVERYTHING WAS AMAZING ZOMG!!!1!!1!”

Anime is not free from this. While it does seem that, with the onslaught of moe shit, never-ending shows like Naruto, Bleach, and Inuyasha still on the airwaves, and the fact that studio Gonzo still exists, anime is on the decline. However, that isn’t the case at all. Anime companies in Japan have continuously produced giant, steaming turds every single year, just like Hollywood.

One of those turds is a series called Planetes, which, like so many shows, started out as a good idea but was spontaneously aborted by really shitty writing, and what was left was such a bloody mess that nothing of worth could be salvaged.

If There Was a Video Game Version of Sucking Balls, it Would Be Called Halo.

About a million years ago I played Halo on the PC. It was one of the hugest pieces of shit of all time. It was repetitive, boring, had lame guns, had an idiotic story, and was about as generic as FPS games can get. I hated it so much that I refused to play Halo 2 or 3, despite the fact that fanboys around the world heralded them as the best things since sliced bread. Which is really saying a lot, since sliced bread is the best thing since sliced bread.

A few months back, three other friends and I got together and it was decided that we should play Halo 3 online. My friend has an Xbox 360 and a huge HD TV, and I was drunk, so I figured, “Sure, why the fuck not?” We played, and it was incredible. It was one of the most fun multiplayer experiences of my videogaming life. Don’t get me wrong, it was no Goldeneye 64, but it was a pretty solid experience nonetheless.

So, after months of playing Halo 3 online with my friends, I decided I would go back in time and play through the single player campaign of Halo 2, with the intent of then moving on to part three. After all, online play was so much fun that the developers must have fixed their mistakes from the previous games, right?

That was a huge mistake.

No More Heroes > Everything Else

Recharge that baby, Travis, yeah, that's hot.

Holy shit, I love this game!

I seriously have not been addicted to a game in a really long time. That is, not until I played No More Heroes. It’s basically an ultra-violent, playable anime with a sense of humor. The premise is that you are Travis Touchdown (awesome name, by the way), an otaku who wants to be the world’s greatest assassin. So, he decides to take out the world’s top 10 assassins with the lightsaber he won in an online auction (where else would you get one?).

Tale of the iPhone

iPhone, you are a magnificent bastard.

So I finally broke down and joined the legion of iPhone carriers. My girlfriend is Original Gangsta, as she has the 2G phone. I’ve seen her use it for quite a long time now, and I decided that it was cool and I should get one of my own. The only problem was that I was still under contract with Alltel. That cell phone company has amazing service, but the worst phones on the goddamn planet. All their phones are cheap plasticky crap from 4 fucking years ago. I mean, seriously, if they had at least one decent phone, they wouldn’t have been swallowed up by Verizon. Anyway, I digress…

My contract finally ended, and the next day I was all set to make the switch to AT&T so I could get an iPhone 3GS. The “S” is for “suck” — err, I mean “speed,” the S is for “speed.”

Unko-san = Lucky Crap

One more reason why I love Japan: a talking piece of poop…that is considered lucky because it is good natured and helps people.

Verdict: Awesome

Baccano, Shana, and Afro Samurai

I have three quick reviews for you. Why? Because I’m too lazy to write a single in-depth review of any of these titles. Really, it all stems from my inability to— ah, fuck it, let’s just get on with it.

Baccano

Boring Baccano's boring cast of boring assholes.

ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

Huh? Wha? Why’d you wake me? What’s going on? Oh that’s right, I was watching Baccano. Something about too many characters, and nothing really happens. Any time you have a story (movie, book, tv series, whatever) about the multiple perspectives of one event (e.g. Rashomon), it inevitably sucks. Yeah that’s right, Kurosawa fanboys, suck it. Now, let me get back to sleep. Oh, and also: Jacuzzi Splot is a fantastic (read: retarded) name.

Verdict: Shitty

Shakugan no Shana

I'm eagerly awaiting the Shana hentai.

Taking one look at the character designs for this show, I figured I would hate it. And yeah, it did start out a little weak. It was basically a combination/rip-off of Full Metal Panic and X. However, there was something about it that seemed kind of cool. There was this dark side to it that was rather unexpected. Basically, the main character, Yuji, (and many others) are just the ghosts of people who have already died. Shana gets pissed off, and unleashes some serious shit on various bad guys. The moment that really did it for me, though, was the multi-episode arc featuring the Incest Twins. A villainous brother and sister that make out constantly, and kill innocent people. Awesome! I wish more anime had the balls to show hot, sweet incest. Overall, this show had a lot more personality than I originally anticipated, and it is worth checking out.

Verdict: Good

Afro Samurai

Afro's fro could be a little bigger, don't you think?

With Samuel L. Jackson providing the voice of not one, but two characters, I thought, “This is sure to be terrible.” And the first episode was. It was this bizarre mix of pseudo-historical Japan, the American old west, 20th century weapons, robots, cell phones, and hip hop. The animation was pretty good, and it was ultra violent, with buckets of blood spraying in every direction. Still, it seemed lackluster. But then, in the second episode, BAM!, we got full frontal tits. Sex scenes are obviously great, and this one suddenly made Afro Samurai a hell of a lot cooler. After that, it was non-stop badassness. Once I forgot that it didn’t take place in any reality that made sense, I started to like it a lot more. Overall, I was really pleased. The film that followed the five-episode OVA was more of the same, although it had a tendency to drag in a couple of places. Still, if you want a solid action show, you can’t go wrong here. Just check your brain at the door.

Verdict: Good

The Dark Knight was so Goddamn Long (That’s What She Said)

Grrrr, moody atmosphere.

I watched The Dark Knight last summer in the theater just like everyone else in the world did. At the time I thought it was pretty awesome, and a year later I’ve seen it again, this time on DVD. So, how was it on a repeat viewing? Ehh, really, really long. What was the runtime of this movie, anyway? 347 minutes? Well, maybe not that long, but it sure felt like it was longer than the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, the director’s cut version.

Sexman Monday: Wolverine

“It’s just, it’s just awesome.”

“…it’s just hard.”

But calling Fox clever? Come on, Sexman, you know they are a bunch of retards.