Rebuild of Evangelion 1.0, the Dub Review

Delicious Eva-flavored Doritos

In honor of the first Rebuild of Evangelion movie being released on DVD in the U.S., I thought I’d post my thoughts of the dub. My dub review comes from a theatrical viewing of the dub a few months ago, and is not representative of the DVD. But they should be identical anyway.

First of all, I completely loathed the original Evangelion dub (and I hated the original movie dubs even more). It had one of the worst assembled casts of all time. Worse than the people in “Manos: The Hands of Fate.” Not to mention one of the shittiest directors, Matt Greenfield, ever. Basically, he just cast a bunch of his no-talent friends, and had them ham it up. The original dub is on par with what you’d find in a middle school drama class. It is fucking awful. A testament to why you should never watch a dub. And just in case any of you think I “hate all dubs,” let me explain something else. There are some anime dubs that I loved, and watch those shows exclusively in English (e.g. Cowboy Bebop, Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex, Outlaw Star, and Fullmetal Alchemist — just to name a few). Anyway, my expectations for the Rebuild of Evangelion dub were extremely low. I was expecting a turd on celluloid. So, how did it hold up?

Planetes

Fuck you Hachimaki, fuck you.

A lot of times, people think back to the “good old days” of any medium (film, TV, music, anime), and only remember the good stuff. They tend to forget about the huge mountain of shit that got produced every year. That’s why they can get tricked into thinking that the current stuff is terrible, but in the past “EVERYTHING WAS AMAZING ZOMG!!!1!!1!”

Anime is not free from this. While it does seem that, with the onslaught of moe shit, never-ending shows like Naruto, Bleach, and Inuyasha still on the airwaves, and the fact that studio Gonzo still exists, anime is on the decline. However, that isn’t the case at all. Anime companies in Japan have continuously produced giant, steaming turds every single year, just like Hollywood.

One of those turds is a series called Planetes, which, like so many shows, started out as a good idea but was spontaneously aborted by really shitty writing, and what was left was such a bloody mess that nothing of worth could be salvaged.

Baccano, Shana, and Afro Samurai

I have three quick reviews for you. Why? Because I’m too lazy to write a single in-depth review of any of these titles. Really, it all stems from my inability to— ah, fuck it, let’s just get on with it.

Baccano

Boring Baccano's boring cast of boring assholes.

ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

Huh? Wha? Why’d you wake me? What’s going on? Oh that’s right, I was watching Baccano. Something about too many characters, and nothing really happens. Any time you have a story (movie, book, tv series, whatever) about the multiple perspectives of one event (e.g. Rashomon), it inevitably sucks. Yeah that’s right, Kurosawa fanboys, suck it. Now, let me get back to sleep. Oh, and also: Jacuzzi Splot is a fantastic (read: retarded) name.

Verdict: Shitty

Shakugan no Shana

I'm eagerly awaiting the Shana hentai.

Taking one look at the character designs for this show, I figured I would hate it. And yeah, it did start out a little weak. It was basically a combination/rip-off of Full Metal Panic and X. However, there was something about it that seemed kind of cool. There was this dark side to it that was rather unexpected. Basically, the main character, Yuji, (and many others) are just the ghosts of people who have already died. Shana gets pissed off, and unleashes some serious shit on various bad guys. The moment that really did it for me, though, was the multi-episode arc featuring the Incest Twins. A villainous brother and sister that make out constantly, and kill innocent people. Awesome! I wish more anime had the balls to show hot, sweet incest. Overall, this show had a lot more personality than I originally anticipated, and it is worth checking out.

Verdict: Good

Afro Samurai

Afro's fro could be a little bigger, don't you think?

With Samuel L. Jackson providing the voice of not one, but two characters, I thought, “This is sure to be terrible.” And the first episode was. It was this bizarre mix of pseudo-historical Japan, the American old west, 20th century weapons, robots, cell phones, and hip hop. The animation was pretty good, and it was ultra violent, with buckets of blood spraying in every direction. Still, it seemed lackluster. But then, in the second episode, BAM!, we got full frontal tits. Sex scenes are obviously great, and this one suddenly made Afro Samurai a hell of a lot cooler. After that, it was non-stop badassness. Once I forgot that it didn’t take place in any reality that made sense, I started to like it a lot more. Overall, I was really pleased. The film that followed the five-episode OVA was more of the same, although it had a tendency to drag in a couple of places. Still, if you want a solid action show, you can’t go wrong here. Just check your brain at the door.

Verdict: Good

Freedumb

Generic 15 year old bikers from the future.

Everything about Freedom screams mediocrity. It rips off countless, better sci-fi stories to create a hodgepodge, nigh-unenjoyable series. If you take a quick look at the fan-ratings for this series on Anime New Network you’ll see that the majority of people reviewed it as Excellent or Very Good, with a few Masterpieces thrown in there, as well. Since otaku rarely watch or read anything outside of anime and manga, then they are unlikely to notice that everything here is recycled. Freedom offers absolutely nothing new. While that might be okay if the execution was good, well, it isn’t. It’s trite and boring, and generally a waste of time.

Welcome to the NHK – It’s a Conspiracy!

Welcome to the boobs.

It seems like every time I check out any anime produced in the last five years, all I encounter is a bunch of unwatchable moe shit. In fact, I had pretty much given up on anime altogether. The last new show that I finished and enjoyed was Gurren Lagann. Everything else was so godawfully bad, I would rather blow my brains out than finish it. Fortunately, I stumbled upon an interesting series titled Welcome to the NHK, and it rejuvenated my interest in anime.

My initial reaction was that this had something to do with the Japanese TV corporation, NHK. However, that isn’t the case. NHK stands for the Nihon Hikikomori Kyoukai, or in non-weaboo-English, Japanese Recluse Association. The show features the exploits of Sato, a 20-something recluse who is so afraid of the myriad conspiracies plaguing the world, he refuses to leave the safety and comfort of his cramped apartment.

Obviously, there are no conspiracies, but he is certain they exist. Everything is a conspiracy. The noisy neighbor who plays anime theme songs, the people that laugh at him if he ventures out, and pretty much everything else, is a conspiracy. In that case, why not just stay in and avoid them? Sounds good to me. I wish more otaku would follow Sato’s lead and never go out in public. Actually, I would like them to take it a step further and not get on the internet either. The world would be a better place if fat, sweaty, pedophilic otaku would not contact the outside world in any way, shape, or form.

Top 30 Anime Openings (with Video Evidence): Part 3

I’m back with the third and final entry in this three part series. This week, the next ten openings will be revealed. There probably aren’t a lot of surprises here, and most are lauded amongst the anime fan community as great openings. There will be, however, a few that I imagine are a bit unexpected. Once you’re done watching, feel free to leave a comment about the entire 30 entry list. Anyway, on to the openings.

Note: Sometimes after watching so many embedded files, Youtube audio files will stop working, or the entire file will load incredibly slowly. If that happens, reload the page, and everything will work again.

10.) Hellsing – A World Without Logos by Yasushi Ishii

Songs just really don’t get much cooler than this one. The jazzy theme melds nicely with the crazy visuals, making for a very surreal experience. It also manages to fit the tone of the series perfectly.

9.) The Big O – Big O! by Rui Nagai

A very catchy song, an homage to Queen, and awesome retro visuals. This is certainly an incredibly memorable opening.

8.) Berserk – Tell Me Why by PenPals

With so much Engrish, how could anyone not like this opening? It’s short, has a scratchy guitar, and just plain rocks. Plus, anything having to do with Berserk is cool in my book.

Top 30 Anime Openings (with Video Evidence): Part 2

I’m back with the second entry in this three part series. This week, the next ten openings will be revealed. These range greatly in terms of style and music. Every single one is different, and cool in their own way. Enough talk, let’s get on to the openings. Part three will be posted next week.

Note: Sometimes after watching so many embedded files, Youtube audio files will stop working, or the entire file will load incredibly slowly. If that happens, reload the page, and everything will work again.

20.) The Vision of Escaflowne – No Need for Promises by Maaya Sakamoto

A classic series deserves a really good opening. I’ve always found Maaya Sakamoto’s singing to be rather soothing. The song is upbeat, and the visuals showcase a wide variety of the thematic elements that appear in the show. Overall, a well composed intro.

19.) Dai-Guard – Back Alley Space Boy by The Cobra Twisters

Baa ba ba baa ba ba ba ba baa ba ba barara ra ra ra ra!!!!!!!! Catchiest opening song ever? Yep.

18.) Excel Saga – Love (Loyalty) by The Excel Girls

It’s a pretty rare thing for a comedy series to have an opening that is actually funny. This one has a lot of visual humor, as well as jokes in the song lyrics. It also earns points for its general weirdness. Every aspect of this series is top-notch (not to mention completely insane), including the opening.

Top 30 Anime Openings (with Video Evidence): Part 1

Every once in a while I’ll decide to punish myself by looking at lists of what people think are the greatest anime openings evAR!zomg!!1. Half the entries are usually composed of the various openings from Naruto, and the rest are from shows premiering no more than two years ago. Well, I decided to compile my own list. It started out as a top 15, then a top 20, a top 25, and finally a top 30, just so I could include all of my favorites. Hopefully, it will also get you youngsters out there interested in checking out some older anime series as well. Part two will be posted next week.

Note: Sometimes after watching so many embedded files, Youtube audio files will stop working, or the entire file will load incredibly slowly. If that happens, reload the page, and everything will work again.

30.) Elfen Lied – Lilium by Kumiko Noma

Its got haunting music and stunning visuals. Using imagery reminiscent of Gustav Klimt’s famous painting The Kiss, this opening is certainly one of the most unique ever made. Also, the tone of the song matches that of the series quite well.

29.) Slayers Next – Give Me a Reason by Megumi Hayashibara

Good beat, nice character introductions, and sung by one of the most famous Japanese voice actresses of all time. It’s the best opening from the entire Slayers canon.

28.) Wolf’s Rain – Stray by Steve Conte

A showcase of incredibly detailed, not to mention fluid, animation. The song is good, and revvs up as it progresses. It also has a hint of sadness to it. One thing particularly good about this is that it is the only opening I am aware of that ties in directly with the plot of the series. Bonus points for that.

My Neighbor Totoro

Catbus

Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus

Totoro and friends, Catbus not present

Verdict: Awesome
Verdict of whatever crack Miyazaki was smoking when he made this movie: Incredibly Awesome

Full Metal Panic! The Second Raid – an Allegory for Erectile Dysfunction

Talk to your doctor about Viagra today

Over the course of a week and a half, I watched the third season of Full Metal Panic, titled The Second Raid. I was stunned. It was a brilliant series. Never before had I seen an anime take on such an important, prevalent, and taboo subject. Kyoto Animation, the studio that helmed both the second and third seasons, are certainly a courageous bunch. It took a lot of guts to use anime as a medium to tackle this embarrassing, yet common problem. While it wasn’t apparent at first, it soon became clear that this series was nothing more than a thinly veiled allegory, a springboard meant to incite meaningful, intelligent discussion about a very important issue. That issue? Erectile dysfunction. The story of The Second Raid is one man’s struggle against ED, and his coming to terms with his shortcomings in order to solve his problem. Of course, this begs the question: Was this merely the pharmaceutical industry’s cheap attempt at making a huge commercial aimed at the otaku culture? Or was it truly meant to discuss the inner demons men must battle in their own individual fights against ED? Sadly, we may never know the truth. We can hope, however, that Kyoto Animation had the best of intentions.