Archive for the 'Games' Category

22
Sep
09

If There Was a Video Game Version of Sucking Balls, it Would Be Called Halo.

About a million years ago I played Halo on the PC. It was one of the hugest pieces of shit of all time. It was repetitive, boring, had lame guns, had an idiotic story, and was about as generic as FPS games can get. I hated it so much that I refused to play Halo 2 or 3, despite the fact that fanboys around the world heralded them as the best things since sliced bread. Which is really saying a lot, since sliced bread is the best thing since sliced bread.

A few months back, three other friends and I got together and it was decided that we should play Halo 3 online. My friend has an Xbox 360 and a huge HD TV, and I was drunk, so I figured, “Sure, why the fuck not?” We played, and it was incredible. It was one of the most fun multiplayer experiences of my videogaming life. Don’t get me wrong, it was no Goldeneye 64, but it was a pretty solid experience nonetheless.

So, after months of playing Halo 3 online with my friends, I decided I would go back in time and play through the single player campaign of Halo 2, with the intent of then moving on to part three. After all, online play was so much fun that the developers must have fixed their mistakes from the previous games, right?

That was a huge mistake. Continue reading ‘If There Was a Video Game Version of Sucking Balls, it Would Be Called Halo.’

24
Aug
09

No More Heroes > Everything Else

Recharge that baby, Travis, yeah, thats hot.

Recharge that baby, Travis, yeah, that's hot.

Holy shit, I love this game!

I seriously have not been addicted to a game in a really long time. That is, not until I played No More Heroes. It’s basically an ultra-violent, playable anime with a sense of humor. The premise is that you are Travis Touchdown (awesome name, by the way), an otaku who wants to be the world’s greatest assassin. So, he decides to take out the world’s top 10 assassins with the lightsaber he won in an online auction (where else would you get one?).

Continue reading ‘No More Heroes > Everything Else’

02
May
09

The Best PS2 Game Ever – MGS3: Snake Eater

Snake is the man.

Snake is the man.

I fully intended to write this review right after I finished playing Metal Gear Solid 3, but for some reason (i.e. laziness) I never got around to it. So, months later, and with most of the game receding from my memory, I’m finally writing my review.

Metal Gear Solid 3 is by far the best game in the franchise. Everything about it is pure awesome. Ok, well not everything. Sure, there were a few moments that annoyed me or pissed me off, but the product as a whole is so goddamn good, that it more than makes up for little problems. As you may already know, I hate pretty much everything, so the fact that I loved this game is noteworthy. Continue reading ‘The Best PS2 Game Ever – MGS3: Snake Eater’

06
Apr
09

Okami is the Poor Man’s Zelda

Beggin Strips: Dogs Dont Know its Not Bacon. Its Bacon!!!

Beggin' Strips: Dogs Don't Know it's Not Bacon. "It's Bacon!!!"

I don’t have much to say about Okami, and mostly that is because it is so goddamn average. Nothing about it makes it stand out from the heaping pile of mediocre titles the video game industry craps out on a monthly basis. Now I know what you’re going to say, “BUT BRIK, HTIS GAME IS TOTALLY AWESOME AND YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKIN ABOUT TEH BEST PART ARE THE ANIME GRAPHICS LOL.” Before you go ahead and post that just think about this: you are an idiot.

Okami has virtually no redeeming qualities. The graphics are all cel-shaded, which was a cool gimmic back in 2003, but is kind of outdated at this point. The music is bland, uninspiring, pseudo-historical Japanese fare. The story has also been done to death, offering nothing new whatsoever. “BUT BRIK YOU PLAY AS A WOLF GOD WAHT OTHER GAMES DO YOU NOW ABOUT THAT HAVE HTAT LOL?” It doesn’t matter, just replace the wolf with a short guy wearing green tights, and you have another Zelda clone.

Continue reading ‘Okami is the Poor Man’s Zelda’

26
Feb
09

This is What Hell Must Be Like

10th Circle of Hell

10th Circle of Hell

For those of you who have played Super Mario Galaxy for the Wii, you know that this is one of the greatest games of all time. Seriously, it’s incredible. This game manages to be complex and simple, and is fun for both casual and hardcore gamers. You are also probably aware that to obtain two of the games 120 stars, you have to play a timed mini-game that involves blowing up garbage. Well, this is one of the must frustrating things ever conceived. The problem is that the bombs take forever to blow up, and the 30 second time limit makes it nearly impossible to accomplish. To make matters worse, when you fail, the Trash Bitch robot yells at you for not doing it fast enough. Just like Sisyphus, you look back at the garbage pile, ready to blow up what remains, only to see that it has all returned. If Dante had been alive long enough to play video games, he certainly would have described this as the 10th circle of Hell. I can just imagine the fuckers who programmed this shit laughing their asses off, thinking about how many people would be screaming in frustration as they failed to complete this mini-game time and time again. While Super Mario Galaxy is without a doubt the best Mario game to date, blowing up trash is definitely the worst adventure thrust upon the gaming world.

22
Feb
09

Kiss My Colossal Ass

Oh shit.

Oh shit.

So I started playing Shadow of the Colossus for PS2 quite a while ago. The game has some really nice features, but it has ONE HUGE GLARING PROBLEM THAT PISSES ME RIGHT THE FUCK OFF! If you’ve played the game, I bet you know what that one thing is: wandering around the world map trying to find the goddamn Colossi. This morning I wanted to fight the seventh colossus, but I didn’t get to. I spent half a fucking hour riding the horse around, trying to find the boss. I eventually quit because I felt like my head was going to explode from the rage building inside me. Wandering around the world map in this game is much worse than in a Zelda or Final Fantasy game. At least in those games you can fight bad guys, level up, or discover secrets while traveling. Here, you get nothing. No music, no enemies, no anything. It’s minimalistic, and aggravating. Sure, it seems like a cool aesthetic choice at first, but if you can’t find the boss, it gets old quick. And the fucking sword is no help at all. You use the light to show you where to go, but it doesn’t help. It either points straight into a fucking mountain, or you are in a shady area, and you can’t use it at all. It’s really annoying. What the hell were they thinking? I’ll concede that the colossi battles are really fun and unique, but everything in between is the most uninspiring shit ever put on a disc.

Verdict: Boss Battles (awesome), Everything Else (shitty)

23
Oct
08

Final Fantasy X Can Suck It

I hate you, Tidus.

I hate you, Tidus.

Final Fantasy X has to be one of the worst pieces of shit that Square has ever squeezed out. It seems to me that the only people who liked this one had no other Final Fantasy games or other RPG’s to compare it against. I find it to be really disturbing that people are ranking the best RPG’s of all time as #1) Final Fantasy VII and #2) Final Fantasy X. I mean seriously, what the fuck? This game is complete bullshit. Let’s take a quick look at how Square completely fucked up the genre they had once revolutionized.

1.) No world map – Yes, instead of an expansive, detailed world just waiting for you to explore (not to mention wander around and level up), you are given a completely linear path in which you can only walk in one direction if you want to progress in the game. That’s total bullshit. Half the fun of any RPG is exploration, and that aspect of the game is taken right out.

2.) Grid Sphere System – What. The. Fuck. So instead of a traditional leveling system we have this incomprehensible grid where you can pick and choose what skills you want each character to learn. Ok, I’ll admit that it sounds cool on paper. But Jesus, did they even fucking test this shit out? It’s ridiculous. You don’t even get more HP or increased stats such as MP or strength when leveling up. No, you just get more moves on the goddamn sphere grid. You have to choose all your moves carefully and use your spheres appropriately, or you won’t learn the right spells at the right times or get all the necessary HP and strength upgrades. It’s fucking retarded, and overly complicates everything. Plus, I don’t even know where any of the cool spells are, so you never know which direction to move to optimize your characters.

I would much rather play this game.

I would much rather play this game.

3.) No Strategies Allowed – As in all previous Final Fantasy games, certain bosses have unique characteristics. For example, in Final Fantasy X, you can choose to either be close to, or far away from the boss, Evrae. Depending on your distance, the attacks you can use and it can use, vary. My first attempt was to stay far away and then move in once its HP had been drained. That didn’t work well, as it pummeled the living shit out of my characters. So the next time I thought I’d do the opposite. Unfortunately, once its HP was low enough, you couldn’t move away from the monster, it kept coming in after you. So basically, you don’t get to use any strategy you want. You have to fight it the way the game wants you to. Why even bother having this “option” in the first place, if they aren’t going to let you use it whenever you want? This is essentially Square’s method of having “fake strategy,” and saying “fuck you” to all the players.

4.) They’ve Been Talking for HOW Long Now? – Jesus. Tapdancing. Christ. They talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk. Forever. In the old games there was tons of dialogue, but if you read fast you could get through it quickly and return to the gameplay. In this piece of shit you have to listen to the horrible voice acting. You can maybe skip half of it if you mash the X button furiously, but that gets old after a while. The dialogue is cheesy, the acting is high school quality, and the story is lame as hell. Plus, the main character, Tidus, is a really annoying asshole. This is the first Final Fantasy game where the main character was my least favorite. The story of the Final Fantasy games is one of the series’ biggest draws. But it’s tough caring about the story when you don’t give a shit about any of the characters.

5.) Graphics – They are blocky and pixellated. The backgrounds look like shit. The only things that really look good are the full-motion videos. Also, lip movements don’t match spoken words, meaning the dubbing was poorly done.

There are probably more complaints that I could add, but I can’t think of anything else at the moment. I can’t believe Square put out this monstrosity. What I can believe, however, is that this is everyone’s second favorite game in the series. People are idiots.

Verdict: Bad

07
Aug
08

Okkusenman – RockMan MegaMan Madness

This is so fucking epic. Just try to watch it and not get pumped up. See? You can’t. I’ve also included some karaoke lyrics below for you completely insane people out there. I grabbed the lyrics from Digital Monkey Box, so give that site some lovin’ while you’re at it. Verdict? I think you already know.

Continue reading ‘Okkusenman – RockMan MegaMan Madness’