Superman I & II

Superman: The Movie

“Here I come to save the daaayyyy!”

Superman: I’m here to fight for truth, justice, and the American way.

I realize it’s nerd blasphemy to speak ill of the original Superman movies, but I don’t really care. The fact is, despite how much we all love Superman as a character, his movies have always blown cock. The biggest problem is these come from an era before superhero films treated their source material with respect. As far as I can tell, the first superhero movies to take their characters seriously were Blade in 1998 and X-Men in 2000. Prior to that, the main goals of superhero movies were to ramp up the cheese factor and sell as many toys as possible. The problem with Superman I is it’s campy as hell, and appears to be loving every minute of it. That might work in a non-superhero B-movie, but in a movie starring one of the world’s most famous superheroes, it becomes a detriment.

So, yeah, the movie is incredibly cheesy. The dialog is horrendous, and the acting is atrocious. People deliver their lines like they are reading for a high school play. There are numerous stupid visual gags. Perhaps worst of all is that Lex Luthor, the villain, is treated more like a comic relief than a menacing threat. When your movie doesn’t even have a worthy villain, there isn’t a lot for your superhero to fight against.

Star Trek Into My Heart (of Darkness)

The Enterprise will crash and burn, just like this movie.

In case you haven’t noticed, there is a new Star Trek film out in theaters. It’s called Star Trek Into Darkness, but it should have been titled Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan Shitty Remake Turbo Edition. It’s basically just a redo of the earlier film, but lazier and dumber. It has all the trappings of a big-budget Summer Shit-Spectacular, and none of the thoughtfulness or intelligence of a good movie. As a world famous blogger, I interviewed all of the main people involved in the creation of this movie. I have included excerpts from my interviews for your reading pleasure.

Interview #1 – Chris Pine

To boldly go where no eyebrows have gone before.

Me: Thank you for meeting with me today, Chris.

Pine: You’re welcome.

Me: Tell me about your approach to playing Captain James T. Kirk.

Pine: This first thing I like to do is really get to the core of the character. I do this by making goofy faces. I try to look drunk or constipated as much as possible. My face is actually quite rubbery, and doesn’t look at all natural. Kind of like a melted latex mask. I think it helps me as an actor.

Me: Is that where your giant eyebrows come in?

Pine: Oh yeah, definitely. The bushier the better. My eyebrows are a lot bigger than William Shatner’s. It’s a sign of virility.

Me: What do you have to say to people who feel that you aren’t Captain Kirk? What I mean is, that you were horribly miscast. That you don’t look, sound, or behave in any way like the original character?

Pine: I tell them “thank you.” I come from a long line of actors in remakes who don’t bother to pay attention to the source material. I think it really elevates it, you know? The original character, who is beloved from the TV series and film series, is not something people want to see respected. After all, this strategy worked really well for Steve Carrel in Get Smart and Will Smith in Wild Wild West.

Me: I think Chris Hemsworth, who plays your character’s father in the 2009 film, would have been a better choice for your role.

Pine: You mean Thor? Nah, he doesn’t have the eyebrows for it.

Me: What did you think about Kirk’s relationship with Spock in this movie?

Pine: I wanted to kiss him.

Me: Kirk and Spock wanted to kiss?

Pine: No, I mean I really wanted to kiss Zachary Quinto. He’s totally hot. I want him.

Versus

It’s called Versus, yet there is only one person in the poster. Hmm…

Versus is a bizarre movie. Nonsensical, even. It’s a super low-budget cult film featuring cops, gangsters, shootouts, samurai, zombies, martial arts, karate zombies, sword fighting, and demons. It’s like the director grabbed a list of “cool shit” from the internet, and mixed it all together, hoping it would work. And depending on your point of view, it either totally works, or is a complete fucking mess.

Director Ryuhei Kitamura filmed this in 2000, and it certainly shows. Versus comes from a time when the tone of movies was more focused on wacky hijinks and slapstick humor, which is a big departure from today’s films when everything is a GRRR DARK AND GRITTY exercise in moroseness. I suppose if Versus had played it straight, nothing would work. The whole thing is just too goddamn crazy. The lighter tone is there to remind the viewer to not take it too seriously, otherwise the movie collapses in on itself. The closest thing I can compare this to is Evil Dead II. It’s got plenty of madcap antics and off-beat humor, mixed in with a semi-serious plot. It isn’t really clear whether Kitamura is completely aping Sam Raimi’s directing style, or paying homage to it.

Predators, Drive Angry

The title of this post could really be read one of two ways. First, Predators and Drive Angry seen separately. Or second, as a statement telling those Predators to go out there and drive angrily. You know, a movie combining Predators and Drive Angry together could be one of the greatest movies of all time. Maybe somebody will figure out a way to edit them together to create a cinematic masterpiece.

Predators

As you all know, the original Predator is an 80s classic. One of the best examples of sci-fi and action. It is such a monumentally important film, it blows away Oscar-winning films by comparison. Unfortunately, the Predator franchise has fared even worse than the Alien franchise in terms of churning out horrible sequels. This movie comes 23 years after the original and rightfully ignores the other movies that came in-between.

A group of modern-day warriors are dropped into a mysterious jungle. The group consists of military-types, mob-enforcers, Yakuza, and serial killers. Each has their own weapon and their own style of killing. They hesitantly team up so they can find their way out of the jungle. What happens next is exactly what you expect/want to happen. Predators start hunting and killing them one by one.

Predators works because it doesn’t try to reinvent the franchise. It just uses the good stuff from the original and expands on it. That’s all. It has the suspense, the build-up, the action, and the bloodiness of the original. Instead of one Predator there are several, and it turns out the characters were sent to an alien world which is a big “game preserve” for the Predators. Their focus shifts from survival to getting the hell off the planet. They expanded the Predator mythology a bit to show there are two types of Predators and they don’t exactly get along. The human characters are able to use this to their advantage in order to resolve the fight against superior enemies in a logical fashion.

Overall, just about everything in this movie works. There is some questionable CGI but it isn’t used too much. A few of the characters should have lasted longer but died too soon (e.g. Danny Trejo). The final battle wasn’t much different than the final battle from the original movie. The action is plentiful but not overkill. The acting is pretty damn good including fun performances from Adrien Brody, Laurence Fishburne, and Walton Goggins. And it uses musical cues from the original, which helps it to better tie in to the franchise as a whole.

Verdict: Good

Drive Angry

This movie stars Nicolas Cage as a man who literally escapes from Hell in order to get revenge on an evil cult.

Verdict: Awesome

What? You need more than that to justify the verdict? I thought that sentence alone would have done it.

OK, so, Drive Angry is cheesy action cinema at its best. Cage died some years ago. His daughter was murdered by a cult, and that same cult is going to kill his granddaughter as a sacrifice to the Devil. Cage knows all this is going on, because in Hell you see nothing but the suffering of your loved ones. So, he does what anyone would do: escape from Hell in a Buick Riveria (the Devil has good taste in cars), and track down the cult.

What happens next is a series of car chases, shoot-outs, and general mayhem. I was surprised at just how graphically violent this movie is. It doesn’t pull any punches in terms of showing us limbs being blown off, brutal beatings, and even Cage getting shot in the face. Yes, you read that correctly. The goofy, over-the-top violence works in the movie’s favor, firmly cementing in the viewer’s minds that this is a grindhouse movie, and should not be taken seriously. If that doesn’t become apparent to you by the time Cage kills bad guys while having sex, then it never will.

Drive Angry is the perfect movie for that person who loves bad movies. It is a tribute to shitty movies. And the special effects, directing, acting, and editing all are pretty good so you still feel like you’re watching a high-end Hollywood movie. If you’re a fan of action, violence, nudity, and, most importantly, Nicolas Cage, then you’ll like this movie.

Verdict: Awesome

Classically Shitty: Rio Bravo vs. High Noon – Battle of the Most Boring Western

Let’s get ready to rumbllllllllllllle!

After watching two of the worst Westerns I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing, a sense of morbid curiosity forced me to do some research on them (i.e. read the Wikipedia articles). To my surprise, these two movies are directly related. And not simply because they both suck ass.

In 1952, High Noon (starring Gary Cooper and directed by Fred Zinneman) was released. Everybody hated it, and it only became a “classic” to film-fags looking at it in hind-sight. Contemporary people saw it as an allegory for the Red Scare in the U.S., and was deemed “un-American”. After all, any dissent against the government is un-American and therefore COMMUNISM. At least some things haven’t changed. But I digress… High Noon pissed off enough people that John Wayne and Howard Hawks decided they would make an argument against it, and that came in the form of Rio Bravo which was released in 1959.

High Noon pissed me off, too, not because it was un-American, but because it is fucking boring and moves along at a goddamn snail’s pace. I was too busy struggling against an impending coma to notice all the un-American stuff.

I Saw the Devil and He Looked Like a Bitch

I saw the Devil’s pants.

I Saw the Devil is a movie that has a good premise, good acting, good directing, and good production values. Despite having so many good things going for it, it’s a piece of crap thanks to having a boneheaded script. No matter how wonderful everything in your movie may be, if your script sucks ass, your movie will suck ass.

The film takes place in South Korea, and the premise is that a serial killer’s latest victim was a young woman who happened to be the fiancée of a spy. The spy uses his training and advanced technology to hunt the killer. But he doesn’t just hunt him down and murder him. No, his revenge is to psychologically torment the killer, making his life a living Hell. Like I said, great premise. Sadly, the characters act like stupid dipshits, ruining the movie.

Young Adult, Gangster Squad

Young Adult

She has a great life.

Young Adult tells the story of an emotionally stunted 37-year-old woman who returns to her hometown in order to win back the love of her life. Unfortunately, there are several problems. First, she is stuck in the past while everyone else has moved on. Second, she’s a narcissistic bitch that everybody hates. And third, the man of her dreams is already married and is not the slightest bit interested in her.

Charlize Theron plays the ghost-writer of a popular book series aimed at high-schoolers. The series has reached its end, and she is bumbling through life with no idea what to do next. She winds up back in her small hometown. She meets a few people she used to know, but we quickly learn she has no friends. She has no friends because she was a total bitch in high school. Her bitchiness has remained the same. Her development has arrested at the young adult period of her life. Theron’s character is also a raging alcoholic, either drunk or hung over in every scene of the film. She is completely delusional in her belief that she can win her old flame back.

Theron shares a significant amount of screen time with Patton Oswalt, who plays a guy who was nearly beaten to death as a teenager. Despite resistance on both ends, the two of them reconnect in a way. He’s funny and charming, and provides a nice balance to Theron’s completely self-centered character. Fortunately, they don’t reconnect in the usual, cliche Hollywood fashion.

The best part of this movie is its realism. It shows that people who were cool in high school usually grow up to be losers. Those people live in a fantasy world, thinking they are still the shit, while everyone else has learned otherwise. In the end, Theron’s character shows little to no growth. Young Adult is an interesting character study. Not much really happens, but it is completely mesmerizing to watch. It has drama, laughs, and a few uncomfortable scenes, too. Even though it was written by Diablo Cody, this movie stands miles above her usual dreck. You should check it out.

Verdict: Good

Gangster Squad

“Myeah, see, I want the Gangster Squad rubbed out, myeah, see.”

This movie begins with the words: “Inspired by a True Story.”

Gee, I wonder which parts of the story were true? I’d bet they were:

• Two cars ripping a bad guy in half.
• Josh Brolin using a moving elevator to sever a guy’s hand.
• Throwing grenades back and forth between two moving cars.
• Sean Penn saying “You know the drill” and then killing a guy with a drill.
• Babygoose talking in a weird, high-pitched voice.
• Faking out the audience to think Josh Brolin’s family is dead, but SURPRISE they are fine. DERP!
• The squad trying to take down Sean Penn’s operation but doing so without any kind of plan.
• The squad (remember, this is the 1940s) being racially diverse.
• Babygoose going after jail bait Emma Stone.
• Babygoose dumping acid on a bad guy’s crotch.
• Josh Brolin throwing away his gun so he can fight Sean Penn hand-to-hand.
• Sean Penn pretending to know how to fight.
• Nick Nolte croaking his lines like a bullfrog.

Gangster Squad has to be the most accurate movie “inspired by a true story” of all time. Man, oh man, I love movies that are based on true stories. Usually, only one aspect of the movie is true and everything else is made up. Fortunately, I can say without hesitation that Gangster Squad doesn’t have this problem. There is no doubt in my mind that this movie is 100% historically accurate. I would like to use this opportunity to thank The Gangster Squad for cleaning up L.A. for good. Thanks to their efforts, it is a clean, prosperous metropolis without gangs, drugs, or crime of any kind.

Verdict: Shitty

Dark City? More Like Dark Shitty

A movie so dark it can barely show us its title.

I had read a lot of great things about Dark City. Apparently, it has garnered a cult following, and film critic Roger Ebert has a raging boner for it. But that’s the thing about cult movies. Usually, they aren’t popular for a reason. Sometimes they can turn out great, like Evil Dead. However, most of the time, they suck ass. Dark City is that kind of movie.

Watching it, you can tell that at one point the script was probably good. It tries to tell a complex tale of an amnesiac who suddenly gains telekinetic powers. There are some genuine high-concept ideas as the film poses questions about the nature of personality and memory. If your memories were given to someone else, would that person become you? Would they retain their original personality? What really defines us as individuals? It’s cool stuff, for sure, but it is handled the same way you would handle dogshit: grab it in a plastic bag and throw it away as fast as possible.

Moonrise Kingdom, Pierrot le Fou

Moonrise Kingdom

Oh wow, they are all such tremendous actors.

Director Wes Anderson is the king of quirky independent movies. Just for that you would think I’d automatically hate him. I don’t because I love the movie Rushmore, which is fucking brilliant. So, I was interested to see his new film, which reunited him with actors he uses often like Bill Murray and Jason Schwartzman. I was also excited to see Edward Norton and Bruce Willis.

Moonrise Kingdom is about two kids who run away from home. Unexpectedly, 90% of the screentime is devoted to their fledgling love affair. Of course, it’s all viewed through a quirky lens. It’s romanticized to an unneccessary degree, and is made annoyingly wholesome and cute. It’s unfortunate because that drains all of the interesting bits out like a vampire. The remaining 10% focuses on the attempts of the other characters to track them down. This is where Norton, Willis, and a troop of Scouts come in.

Parts of the movie are fun, such as the early attempts to track them down, and the later attempt at avoiding capture. These are the highlights of the movie. The rest of it features more camping scenes than a Harry Potter movie. The majority of the movie’s heavy lifting comes from the two leads who were both 12 years old at the time of filming. And, wouldn’t you know it, they fucking suck at acting.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “LOL BUT BRIK TEHY ARE JUST LITTLE KIDS SO TEHY CANT BE THAT GOOD AT ACTING YET GIVE EM A BREAK LOL!” I’m sorry, but no. You’re wrong. Some kids can be good at acting. Just take a look at Chloe Grace Moretz or that little bastard from The Sixth Sense and tell me their acting is not light years better than the twats in Moonrise Kingdom. The fact that these two can’t act, and that they dominate 90% of the screentime, nearly ruins the movie. Other problems include woefully underdeveloped characters like the parts played by Willis and Murray.

I’m conflicted about this movie. On one hand I want to like it since it’s so off-kilter. On the other hand, the two leads are such horrible actors that the movie should automatically lose points for that. They don’t get a pass for being kid actors. They were both absolutely terrible. It’s like Wes Anderson intentionally sought out shitty kid actors to put in his movie. Maybe he did. Maybe that’s the point? Who knows?

Verdict: Average

Pierrot le Fou

I’m sure this still from the movie has SUPER DEEP MEANING.

If you aren’t a hardcore filmfag, chances are you’ve never heard of this movie. Consider that a blessing. Pierrot le Fuck is a 1965 French movie directed by Jean-Luc Godard. He became a famous director in this era because he liked to film shit in the weirdest way possible, and people thought he was some kind of goddamn genius for it. Pierrot le Fuck is about a couple of egotistical assholes who abandon their families, steal shit, kill some people, and run around like turd burglars for the entire movie. Everybody dies at the end, too, so — spoilers — I guess. The problem really isn’t the story so much as the directing. I couldn’t fucking stand how it was directed. It was way too cool and hip for a troglodyte for me to understand. Everything about it from the way the actors read their lines, to people staring directly at the camera, to how trendy everybody was, to just about fucking everything irritated me to no end. Godard is more pretentious cock gobbler than innovative director. Obviously, this is only a movie for the hardcore amongst us. The only good thing about it was it had some nudity. That’s it. Pierrot le Fuck can go fuck itself. That would be the trendy thing to do.

Verdict: Shitty

Classically Shitty: Serpico

Nice hat.

At first, I wasn’t sure if I should make this a Classically Shitty post. Serpico is more of a stupid movie than a shitty one. They had a lot of good pieces (actors, director, true story, etc.), but couldn’t execute them in any logical fashion. Everything that happens, happens in the dumbest possible way. It’s more Classically Stupid than anything else. But then I thought, “You know what? Fuck it.” Serpico is just as Classically Shitty as everything else in this series.

The movie opens with a rip-roaring, high-octane car chase around the streets of New York City where — oh, wait, sorry, I’m thinking of some other movie. Serpico opens with the titular police officer (played by Al Pacino) being casually taken to a hospital after having been shot in the face. People learn of his wounding, and react in the most apathetic manner imaginable. “Huh? What’s that? Serpico was shot? Oh, okay. Hey, did you see the Yankees game last night?” After that, the rest of the movie is told through an extended flashback.

Frank “Paco” Serpico is an honest cop with a great nickname. Serpico is also a really a weird dude. For the first half of the movie he is working in some kind of fingerprint catalog system, and he talks in this weird, kind of nasal, kind of high-pitched voice. He literally prances around the police department like a ballerina. He spends time in the bathroom with other dudes with the lights off. When people accuse him of being gay (even though the film shows us he isn’t), he doesn’t bother to deny it. Eventually, all his hard work talking weird, dancing, and cavorting in bathrooms pays off, and he gets promoted to a new division as a “plainclothes” officer.