Archive for the 'Movies' Category

11
Oct
14

Fuck your cinematic universe

This is a movie I never want to see.

OK, we need to have a talk. A serious talk. Why don’t you sit down over there?

*takes deep breath*

I heard you were doing something you shouldn’t be.

*holds out hand to stop a response*

I know, I know, you were probably just experimenting. And that’s OK. When I was your age, I experimented with stuff, too. You’re young, and you want to explore the world. Maybe you want to experiment with the same sex, or drugs, or a different religion. You know what? That’s OK. That’s how you discover yourself and become the person you are going to be as an adult.

*crosses arms over chest*

But there is one thing you should never experiment with. Something that, if you get involved with, can lead you down a very dark path. You might never come back from it.

*narrows eyes*

I heard from a friend of yours, that you…

*sighs*

…were thinking of starting your own cinematic universe.

Continue reading ‘Fuck your cinematic universe’

28
Sep
14

Green Lantern: Best or Worst Superhero Movie? (Answer: Worst)

Holy shit, even the poster is 100% CGI.

In a time when superhero movies are all the rage, and they gets lavished with great casts, shitloads of money, and decent writing, you would think that Hollywood would have this down to a formula. But, nope, they don’t. That much is evident with Green Lantern. This movie is a colossal piece of shit starring Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan, a dopey guy who gets omnipotent green mist powers…or something. Green Lantern falters every step of the way.
Reynolds’ character is paper-thin. Reynolds pretty much plays himself, as he does in every role, a handsome, wise-cracking, irresponsible, self-centered jerk with a heart of gold. His act has grown tiresome, and watching him cavort around on screen yet again is exhausting. His girlfriend, Blake Lively, is nothing more than a generically pretty, but vapid, and incredibly unbelievable higher-up in a multi-national aircraft corporation. While Reynolds at least has his typical manic energy, Lively sleepwalks through the movie. Every time she showed up, I felt myself drifting off.
13
Sep
14

The Expendables 2, Get Carter (1971)

The Expendables 2

We wait decades to see these guys in a movie together, and this is the best they could do?

Sylvester Stallone’s original Expendables film was a complete misfire. Meant to be an homage to 80s action films, it was a pathetic attempt at recapturing the glory days of a bygone era. I couldn’t believe it when I heard there was going to be a sequel. Wasn’t one film enough? Apparently not, because Hollywood doesn’t have any original ideas anyway, so why not make a sequel to a one-off homage film?
The second movie adds a bunch of new characters, none of whom do anything important. The only new actor worth mentioning is Chuck Norris. He shows up, mid-film, like an indestructible god of war who obliterates everything in his path. He even has time to throw in one of those Chuch Norris Internet meme jokes. The most bizarre part wasn’t Norris himself, but the fact they used the theme song from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly as his character’s musical theme. Umm, last time I checked Norris was never in that film. They probably wrote the part for Clint Eastwood, but Eastwood wouldn’t agree to be in such a shitty film. Since they had already paid licensing fees to get the theme song, they said “Fuck it” and used it with Norris instead.
Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger get upgraded from cameos and partake in the action this time around. Even Jean-Claude Van Damme comes out of his cave to deliver a totally one-note villain. There isn’t anything else worth mentioning about this movie. The whole thing is about stunt casting. Stallone wants to get as many old movie “stars” as he can into these films at the expense of a decent story. It’s really quite a shame.
Verdict: Shitty
Get Carter (1971)

An average day in England.

Get Carter is a weird movie. Really weird. I guess since it took place in the early 1970s, everyone involved was as high as fuck while making this movie. The movie begins with a bunch of dudes hanging out, watching a porn slide show. Next, Michael Caine, who plays the titular Carter, learns his brother has died and goes back home for the funeral. He finds his dead brother stuffed into the smallest coffin imaginable, in a bedroom of his house. Um, lolwut? Is that what they do in England, keep dead bodies in the house until the funeral?
Later, Caine spends some time with the corpse, shaving and chatting on the phone. Caine doesn’t believe his brother died in a drunk-driving accident, he suspects foul play, so he begins to investigate. His investigation leads him to chase down bad guys in the cleanest, most-brightly lit nightclub on Earth where he interrogates a dude hiding on a toilet. Caine eventually sleeps with a nasty old bed-and-breakfast owner to prevent her from calling the cops on him for his violent ways. Caine gets into some more trouble, drives around town in a sports car, sleeps with some more women, and ruthlessly murders some other people. Caine plays a complete sociopath, displaying virtually no emotion whatsoever as he leaves mayhem in his wake. The only hint of emotion he shows is satisfaction after clubbing someone to death with the stock of a shotgun.
To say this movie is weird is an understatement. The characters exist in a bizarre waking-dream world that looks like England, but doesn’t actually take place anywhere on planet Earth. It’s also incredibly slow with all the interesting bits comprising about 15 minutes of the 2 hour runtime. It isn’t as boring as The Italian Job but only because it’s so goddamn strange, you somehow can’t stop watching it. Weirder still is the total lack of music except in the beginning and ending of the film. Whatever these guys were smoking when they made this film, it must have been some powerful shit.
Verdict: Bad
06
Sep
14

Pacific Rimjob

Let’s put on our serious faces.

Pacific Rimjob is a 2013 movie directed by Guillermo “I’ve only ever directed one good movie”* del Toro. And guess what? That one good movie is not this one. This is absolutely one of the worst summer tentpole movies I have ever seen. It’s kind of like an old man who has lost control of his anal sphincter. He tries to hold it in as long as possible, but no longer how long he holds out, he’s going to end up covered in shit.
It’s the near future, and giant monsters from another dimension (dubbed Kaiju) are attacking Earth. Humanity quickly develops giant robots that are used to fight the Kaiju, thus ensuring the safety of our planet. This is essentially the setup to every giant robot anime ever created. But unlike those anime, Pacific Rimjob stopped trying right after it came up with a premise.
Del Toro and writer Travis Beacham were so pumped that they were getting to make a live-action giant robot anime, they forgot to write an actual story for their movie. Virtually nothing happens beyond a skeleton of a plot that lumbers along from one CGI action sequence to the next. The CGI is quite good, in fact, I found myself thinking it looked pretty good, but good CGI is no substitute for plot. Without a compelling story or interesting characters (this film has neither), all the CGI in the world can’t help.

Continue reading ‘Pacific Rimjob’

23
Aug
14

Centurion

Mute Bond Chick, Assbender, and McNulty all in the same movie? Sign me up.

Michael F. Assbender is a favorite of mine. From his smoldering good looks to his suave English accent to his constant Assbending, he can do no wrong. Not even starring in Centurion can be considered a wrong move. No, despite the movie being a terrible mess, Assbender still comes out like a shining diamond. No matter how much the movie sucks, you can never find fault with Assbender.
Centurion takes place in ancient Roman times, and focuses on a group of Romans who are struggling to hold Britain against the barbarian hordes (i.e. British people). Naturally, all the Romans speak with English accents, completely confusing the matter. Assbender is taken captive at an outpost and later rescued by his comrades.

Continue reading ‘Centurion’

10
Aug
14

The Heat, Missing William

The Heat

Fuck this movie.

The Heat is a 2013 travesty starring Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy. At this point, it’s clear that McCarthy is a one-trick pony. Her entire schtick is acting like a brash, foul-mouthed bitch who always thinks she’s one step ahead of everyone else. Frankly, it’s tiresome. It worked in Bridesmaids, but that was it. She is trying to make an entire career on this act, and it just isn’t going to keep up forever. Anyway, this disaster of a movie is about an FBI agent (Bullock) and a Boston cop (McCarthy) who must work together to bring down a drug operation. One is straight-laced and uptight, another is a free spirit. THEY’RE TOTAL OPPOSITES, ZOMG, HOW ORIGINAL! They start out hating each other, learn that they have differences, and by the end become best friends. Fuck that shit. This has been done a billion times before, and far better in pretty much every other version out there. Not even Bullock can save this movie as her comedy falls flat, and her face looks waxy like it has been Botoxed a hundred times before every scene. I don’t know what the fuck anyone was thinking when making this piece of shit, but they were obviously on crack. There aren’t any worthwhile jokes, the story is insipid, and the acting is terrible. What a waste of time.

Verdict: Shitty

Missing William

“It’s not cheating if your husband’s a vegetable, I swear.”

This is not a movie I would choose to watch. A family member of mine wrested control of my Netflix account and this was their choice. I figured, “What the hell, it’s an acclaimed drama, how bad can it be?” Did I say “acclaimed drama?” I should have just said “drama.” There is nothing worthy of any accolades here. It’s a drab, boring, relentlessly depressing affair. It’s about a chick who is in love with both that one guy from Veep and the dude who played Superman. She’s married to Veep Guy, but secretly wants to bone Superman. I mean, he is Superman, although the shitty Bryan Singer version. Anyway, Veep Guy gets a traumatic brain injury and drools his way through the rest of the movie. Everyone immediately tells the chick she needs to dump his ass and move on, but she resists, she can’t leave her husband even if he is a vegetable. It’s kind of startling that they would do this, including the chick’s mother, but whatever, maybe they’re all a bunch of assholes. When the movie reaches its conclusion, she finally kisses Superman. His super kiss is so powerful that it shocks her into reality, and she realizes: VEEP GUY HAS BEEN DEAD THE WHOLE TIME ZOMG! Yeah, that’s right, this movie pulls a total Shyamalan. Veep Guy surviving his accident was a delusion. If she was going to have a delusion of her husband being alive, wouldn’t it at least be one of him not being a vegetable? Eh, whatever. After the twist ending, the movie abruptly ends with no resolution whatsoever. Missing William is a movie that everyone should definitely miss.

Verdict: Shitty

19
Jul
14

Stolen, Mud

Stolen

“THIS IS MY ACTING FACE!”

Did you like Commando? Did you like Taken? If so, then why not watch Stolen? It’s exactly the same movie as the others. Nicolas Cage plays a man whose daughter is kidnapped, and he must race against the clock to save her. Stolen is about as low-budget, straight-to-video as a movie can get. The film blew its wad getting Cage to star, and he acts alongside a lot of shoddy nobodies. Cage plays a bank robber who goes to jail after a botched job to steal $10 million. Once he is released, his former partner kidnaps his daughter, holding her hostage for the $10 million he feels he is owed. What follows next is a 90-minute traipse through New Orleans while Cage tracks down his former partner by any means necessary. The FBI are hot on Cage’s trail for no reason in particular other than he used to be a bad guy. Apparently, the FBI have nothing better to do like catching wanted criminals or protecting the U.S. from terrorists. Nope, let’s chase a guy who has already served out his sentence because he’s probably up to no good. The movie gets increasingly more ridiculous as Cage attempts to find his daughter. It reaches self-parody at one point when Cage is arrested and placed in an FBI vehicle, and moments later the vehicle crashes, flipping end over end, followed by Cage getting out of the car, talking on his cell phone with the kidnapper. At this point the movie has realized it is a giant piece of shit, so it might as well be as ridiculous as possible. In the movie’s favor, Cage doesn’t phone it in. He always invests 100% of himself in every movie, regardless of how bad it is. At least the guy has a work ethic.
Verdict: Shitty
Mud

“Don’t worry, ladies, my shirt WILL come off.”

After being mired in shitty romantic comedies for years, Matthew McConaughey decided to fire his agent so he could land roles in good movies. Mud is one such movie. McConaughey plays the titular Mud, a mysterious guy on a remote island in the south. He’s living in a boat that has somehow gotten lodged in a tree. One day he is discovered by a pair of teenage boys. There’s something shady about him, and that makes the boys want to know more about him. He wants to get in touch with his ex-girlfriend who is in town, but he can’t do it himself. Is he a criminal? Who is after him? The cops? The mafia? Definitely, there is more than meets the eye to this character. But the point of the movie isn’t really Mud at all. It’s the teenage boy played by Tye Sheridan. He’s the main character. He has a troubled home life, and he uses the discovery of Mud as a means of escaping a very shitty situation. Mud becomes a surrogate father to him. It’s kind of hard to describe this movie without giving away all the best parts. You’ll just have to take my word for it, that this is a movie well worth your time. It features rich characters, an intriguing backstory, and wonderful acting. Not only does McConaughey turn in a great performance, so does Sheridan. This movie really has it all. It’s the kind of film mainstream Hollywood wishes they could make. Be sure to check this one out.
Verdict: Good



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