The Dark Knight was so Goddamn Long (That’s What She Said)

Grrrr, moody atmosphere.

I watched The Dark Knight last summer in the theater just like everyone else in the world did. At the time I thought it was pretty awesome, and a year later I’ve seen it again, this time on DVD. So, how was it on a repeat viewing? Ehh, really, really long. What was the runtime of this movie, anyway? 347 minutes? Well, maybe not that long, but it sure felt like it was longer than the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, the director’s cut version.

Sexman Monday: Wolverine

“It’s just, it’s just awesome.”

“…it’s just hard.”

But calling Fox clever? Come on, Sexman, you know they are a bunch of retards.

Star Trek: The First Generation

I checked out the new Star Trek movie this weekend, being brave enough to even go on opening night. When I say brave enough, I mean I had to take two extra Xanax’s just to be able to spend that much time so close to other people. I don’t do well in public places.

I had fully intended to wear my Ferengi costume, but my fellow Trekkers said that since Ferengis were never in the original series I wouldn’t be canon. They were right. Sadly, I went with the tride and true, but overused, Klingon costume. While waiting in line we got in an argument about which Starship Enterprise was the best. Clearly, the NCC-1701-A was the best, but those other, retarded Trekkers were trying to convince me that NCC-1701-E was better. Just because it has new phaser banks and torpedo launchers, plus it can be piloted by a joystick doesn’t mean it’s good. Come on, it can’t even do a saucer separation like the NCC-1701-D! How could anyone think that is cool?

Once I got up to the ticket counter, I realized I had forgotten to put my wallet into my costume, so my “friend” had to buy my ticket. My “friend” is the same individual that thinks The Menagerie counts as one episode, even though the Wikipedia entry clearly states that Parts I and II have different air dates. It’s like he just put his head in the sand and ignored the experts. Anyway, my “friend” did buy my ticket, but he wasn’t able to get the student discount for me since I didn’t have my Student ID. He had to pay full price, and expects me to pay him back for it. He and I both know that I am a student, so I don’t see why I should have to give him $9.50, when the student rate is $7.00. Idiot.

Japanese R2D2 and C3PO – Fuck Yes!

Verdict: Awesome

Bond…James Bond 15-22

Continuing from where I left off last time, I have since watched all the Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan, and Daniel Craig films in the James Bond series. Dalton is generally reviled, Brosnan is considered to be average, and Daniel Craig is loved almost as much as Connery. Dalton wasn’t the worst Bond ever, that distinction belongs to George Lazenby. However, Dalton just didn’t have the right amount of charisma to play the famous British spy. Bond is supposed to have fun at what he does, and Dalton just sort of played it like a regular action hero. Brosnan, I think, is an excellent Bond. Unfortunately, his tenure was plagued by some of the worst scripts and supporting cast in Bond movie history. Given the right material, though, he really excelled. Craig, the current Bond, is quite good, albeit sort of rough around the edges. He is playing Bond before he became the suave super spy of Connery and Moore’s days. So, with a little luck, Craig will slowly adopt those features as he progresses from film to film.

Ranking the remaining films in order from best to worst, would go something like this:

1. Casino Royale
2. Goldeneye
3. Tomorrow Never Dies
4. Quantum of Solace
5. The Living Daylights
6. Die Another Day
7. Licence to Kill
8. The World is Not Enough

If you’re interested in why I ordered them the way I did (and how could you not be?), read on.

Bond…James Bond 8-14

Continuing from where I left off last time, I have since watched all of the Roger Moore films in the James Bond series. Some people don’t like Moore because he infused a bit too much tongue in cheek humor, but I think it suited him well. Every actor gave Bond a unique personality. This is probably the reason why the series has been able to continue for so long. Each time we get a new Bond, we get a new personality, and not a bunch of different people trying to play the role exactly the same way.

Ranking the Roger Moore films in order from best to last would go something like this:

1. The Spy Who Loved Me
2. Live and Let Die
3. Moonraker
4. The Man with the Golden Gun
   
5. Octopussy
6. For Your Eyes Only
7. A View to a Kill

If you’re interested in why I ordered them the way I did (and how could you not be?), read on.

My Neighbor Totoro

Catbus

Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus Catbus

Totoro and friends, Catbus not present

Verdict: Awesome
Verdict of whatever crack Miyazaki was smoking when he made this movie: Incredibly Awesome

2001: A Space Odyszzzzzzzz

Guys in ape costumes are totally realistic.

Just about every film “expert” in the world has a raging boner for this movie. Why? I have no goddamn idea. This movie stands as one of the greatest examples of excessive, self-indulgent, masturbatory bullshit ever made. There is no plot. But I’ll tell what there is a lot of. Dead space. The film will literally drag on for 10-15 minutes at a time with no dialogue or characters on screen whatsoever. Filling that time is a bunch of special effects, and Stanley Kubrick’s massive ego. I’m really not sure what Kubrick was going for here. For example, having a shot of a shuttle drifting toward a space station, while classical music plays… for 10 fucking minutes. Jesus, Kubrick, you could have easily done that in one minute, and not come off as a pretentious douchebag in the process. That’s the problem with this movie. It’s two and a half hours long, but if you fast forward through the special effects orgies, you could probably watch it in about an hour and fifteen minutes. Admittedly, there are a few cool ideas here. For example, the Monoliths, which appear to be some kind of sentient beings. They show up and bestow intelligence on primitive man in a very interesting scene… which is again ruined by lasting too goddamn long. Every fucking scene in this movie goes on for twice as long as it needs to. Any punch or effectiveness is lost, and you are left with a lingering sense of irritable impatience. The movie overstays it’s welcome time and time again, making you hate it. If any other director tried this he would have been placed in the same category as Uwe Boll, but because the “great” Stanley Kubrick did it, everyone jerks off over this movie.

Bond…James Bond 1-7

I recently picked up all the remastered Ultimate Edition DVDs of the James Bond films from an Ebay auction. I’m not exactly careful with these types of things. I bid on a whim, and then promptly forgot about the thing. Five days later, my inbox displayed an email telling me that I won. Oh sweet. I was now out around $130. On the bright side, I got all 22 Bond films, and I consider myself a pretty big fan of the series. Over the last couple of weeks I have been watching the movies, and I thought I’d share my thoughts with both of you who read my blog.

If I had to rank the Sean Connery films in order from best to last they’d go something like this (I’m also throwing in Lazenby’s film as it falls between two Connery movies):

1. From Russia with Love
2. Goldfinger
3. Dr. No
4. You Only Live Twice
5. Thunderball
   
6. Diamonds are Forever
7. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
8. Never Say Never Again (an unofficial film)
   

If you’re interested in why I ordered them the way I did (and how could you not be?), read on.

Sexman Monday: Step Brothers and No Country for Old Men

It’s Monday, so it’s time for another review from our site’s official film critic, Sexman. He begins with a review of the recently released Step Brothers, and then goes off on a tangent about the shitty oscar winning No Country for Old Men. I don’t care what those other pretentious critics think, if Sexman hated that film, then it’s garbage. I watched it once and found it to be a decent movie, but with Sexman’s iron-clad arguments, I feel I have to change my opinion. No Country for Old Men sucked ass, and Step Brothers was awesome. Here’s a quote from this amazing review:

“Step Brothers takes the cake… it’s fast, it’s dirty, and that’s how I like it.”