Archive for the 'Random' Category

01
Jan
14

Awesomest/Shittiest Things of 2013

It’s that time once again, people. Time to look back at the awesomest and shittiest things of 2013. As always, it remains a struggle to find things for the awesome category, and to keep the shitty category to a minimum. Check it out:
Awesome
  1. Stephen Colbert Snubbed by Daft Punk - One of the biggest highlights from the world of music this year was the long-awaited release of a new Daft Punk album. I’ve always been a big fan, and I happily welcomed their new work. The most popular song from the album was titled Get Lucky It was one of the most popular songs this summer. Daft Punk is sort of notorious for being camera shy (which I whole-heartedly endorse for all celebrities), and rarely make public appearances. I was shocked (and excited) to hear that they were going to appear on The Colbert Report to play their “song of the summer.” And then they didn’t show up. No, they opted out and left Colbert high and dry. Fortunately, the episode we got was much funnier than what had been intended. Cobert danced to a recording of Get Lucky and had his famous friends join in. Hugh Laurie, Jeff Bridges, Jimmy Fallon, Bryan Cranston, Matt Damon, and more showed up to join in the fun. It was absolutely fucking hilarious. By a stroke of good luck, Robin Thicke was in New York promoting his new album and hot summer song Blurred Lines at the same time. Colbert managed to snag Thicke, and he performed the real “song of the summer” live on-stage. All in all, this was the music/comedy highlight of 2013.
  2. Horse Meat Scandal - I wrote a post on this earlier in the year. I find it totally, outrageously crazy that this scandal ravaged Europe. In case you didn’t hear, the basics boil down to this: people thought they were getting the same old processed meat in their foods as always, but as it turned out, they were getting beef mixed with horse. And in some cases, 100% horse. My thoughts are still the same. If nobody can tell the difference, then what’s the big fucking deal? The only reason people care is because horses are cute and cows aren’t. I’m still a long way from finishing my quest to eat every cute animal in the world. Hey, it’s a tough job, but somebody has to do it.
  3. Dennis Rodman Goes to North Korea - The world was stunned to learn that former NBA star Dennis Rodman visited North Korea in February. Apparently, that was the start of a beautiful friendship, as Rodman has gone on record several times talking about new BFF Kim Jong-Un. Rodman stated that Kim was a “friend for life”, a “great dad”, and that Obama should give him a call sometime. Rodman has gone again since then, and he plans to return in January 2014 to help coach a series of basketball games. This news story ends up in the Awesome category because it is so completely insane that it has no choice other than to be awesome. I can only imagine what it’s like, seeing a 6 ft. 7 in. tall, black, green-haired, face-pierced guy being best friends with a chubby Korean midget. They have to make a sitcom out of this. How can they not? Hilarity would ensue. On a more serious note, I hope that Rodman could potentially open Kim’s mind a bit about relaxing the human rights atrocities his country is notorious for. But I’m not going to hold my breath.
  4. Manti Te’O’s Fake Girlfriend - Super-genius football player Manti Te’O played at the collegiate level for Notre Dame. He entered the national spotlight when he stated that his close girlfriend, Lennay Kekua, died after battling Leukemia. Or was it in a car wreck? I’m not sure. Neither was Te’O. As it turns out, she wasn’t his girlfriend at all. She wasn’t even a girl. In fact, she wasn’t even a real person. Kekua turned out to be completely fictious, dreamed up by a man named Ronaiah Tuiasosopo (no doubt a true humanitarian), because he had fallen in love with Te’O and figured this was the only way they could be together. They had met through online dating and became very serious, despite never having met in person. While the story was pretty awesome and hilarious on its own, it does speak to the dangers of our online world. People can be duplicitous, and just imagine how much damage could have been created if Tuiasosopo actually had a vendetta against Te’O. Humanity is doomed.
  5. Dog Butt Jesus - This summer everyone got a little hysterical when a picture surfaced of a dog’s butt (and hind legs) that looked like our lord and savior. If you search for the image online and check it out you’ll see that, yeah, it kind of looks like Jesus. It’s amazing that a dog’s butt could be such a holy thing, when usually all its good for is taking dumps and shitting out random objects like plastic and strings. If the Virgin Mary could show up in a grilled cheese sandwich and religious people would cheer, then I don’t understand why they’d be upset about Jesus showing up in a dog’s butt. Dog is man’s best friend, after all, and humans spend a lot of time around dog butt. It seems like the most logical place for Jesus to show up.

Shitty
  1. NSA Scandal - While the horse meat scandal was hilarious, the recent United States NSA scandal was horrendous. There’s nothing like learning that the U.S. government spies on all of its citizens’ communications 24 hours a day. I suppose this should be expected, but I was hoping that the government still favored privacy and rights of people over HURR DURR WE HAVE TO DO THIS TO PROTECT US FROM TERRORISTS HURR DURR. President Obama promised to have one of the most transparent presidencies ever, but when this revelation came out, that was all blown to shit. And the guy who let us know about all this, Edward Snowden, is now forever on the run. Obama has actually lobbied hard to protect the rights of whistleblowers. Everyone is encouraged to speak out if we see that something is amiss (“If you see something, say something”). However, that’s a sham. If you see anything the government is doing illegally, you are supposed to keep your goddamn mouth shut. Things got even more ludicrously out of hand when we later found out the NSA was tapping the phones of high-ranking official of other governments, like the Chancellor of Germany. Great job there, NSA. Keep on monitoring those damn Nazis, never mind the fact that WWII ended in 1945. We are sliding down that slippery slope that will lead us into a total surveillance state. And with the godforsaken Xbox One monitoring us at all times through the Kinect, well, George Orwell’s predictions were proven right after all.
  2. The Royal Baby - Ugh. For fuck’s sake, nobody gives a shit about the royal baby. Okay, sure, maybe the British do, but nobody else does. Why was the U.S. media insisting on making this a story? Prince Baldy and Princess So-Beautiful-She-Only-Married-Baldy-for-the-Status had sex and reproduced. They only did what everyone else on the planet is capable of doing. I’m sorry, but this is not a news worthy story. Now, if the baby had developed the theory for cold fusion, then, yes, I would be interested. But it didn’t do that. It did what all babies do: shit and cry. I have nothing against the baby, not at all. But the fact that the media insisted everyone should care about these do royals procreating was totally annoying. This was the year 2013, why do we care about royalty at all? They don’t do anything but collect taxes from people for no other reason than they used to be in charge a long time ago. And that makes them interesting? Didn’t we fight the Revolutionary War so we could ignore these assholes? Ugh. For fuck’s sake.
  3. Action Stars’ Failed Comebacks - 2013 was the year that Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Willis all staged magnificent comebacks to the action movie genre. Of course, they all failed spectacularly. They unleashed some of the cheesiest, hammiest (now I’m getting hungry), most generic action movies in a long time. They wanted to recapture the magic of the 80s, but you know what? The 80s are over. I love those old movies, but they are a product of their time. The kind of stuff they did then just doesn’t work today. And I don’t think another 20 Expendables movies is going to change that.
  4. U.S. Government Shutdown - The U.S. government is so completely fucked up that it managed to land not one but two spots on this year’s shitty list. The two party system is completely broken. The entire government, and the hundreds of thousands of federal employess, not to mention millions of citizens who depend on services, were held hostage over an ideological hissy-fit. Republicans got most of the blame and rightfully so. They kept trying to block the Affordable Care Act, despite their attempts at blocking it were denied countless times by the courts and the voters themselves. Democrats came out looking pretty good at the end, but they are not without blame. The fact that they play such a massive role in the perpetutation of the broken political system leaves them just as culpable. No government should have to shut down because the players are stuck in a pissing contest. They have proven definitively that they don’t give a shit about the American people. They only care about their personal legacies and catering to radical groups of voters who make up the minority of the public. Maybe the NSA should think about monitoring the politicians and arresting those assholes for crimes against the country. They would have no shortage of suspects, that’s for sure.
  5. Miley Cyrus was Everywhere - I don’t have a problem with Miley Cyrus. She’s a kid, and she is acting like a kid: stupid. The only problem is that she’s a kid celebrity, and therefore her antics are plastered across our TVs and computers for all the world to see. I don’t need to see a vacuous bimbo shaking her ass with her tongue sticking out. I’ve been to college, I know what that’s like. We don’t need to keep recycling it over and over again. The shitty part about this was how the media kept trying to make her antics into a news story. No matter how expected her behavior was, the media kept trying to make it into something big, something it was not. Nobody cares about kids being stupid. That’s what they do best. Can we please stop paying attention to this nonsense?

Well, another year has come and gone. 2014 is just getting started. I’m sure there will be many more awesome and shitty things happening during the Earth’s long trek around the sun. Let’s hope, no matter what happens, we can ridicule them with reckless abandon.

10
Aug
13

It’s Time to Honor Myself

Apparently, summertime is awards season. Awards season for Awesomely Shitty. That’s right, fuckos, I got not one, but two blogging awards. Hells yeah! I rule! Ahem. Okay, sure they were given to me by regular visitors, but it still counts. It’s not like the Academy is made up of anything but peers, anyway. I just count myself fortunate that so many people read my blog and don’t want to murder me. It’s amazing, really.

The Liebster Award

The Liebster Award is given to a blogger who has less than 200 followers. Liebster in German means “beloved, favorite, dearest.” The goal of the Liebster Award is the help new or growing blogs connect with other bloggers. It’s a good way for readers to discover new blogs. I was given this award from Sidekick Reviews. It’s a great blog that I highly recommend checking out. I appreciate the award, thanks a lot.

The rules for Liebster Award recipients:

  1. List 11 random facts about yourself.
  2. Answer the questions that were asked of you (by the blogger that nominated you)
  3. Nominate 11 other blogs for the Liebster Award and include a link to their blogs.
  4. Notify the bloggers of their award.
  5. Ask the award winners 11 questions to answer once they accept the award.

Here are the random facts:  Continue reading ‘It’s Time to Honor Myself’

01
Apr
13

The Zen of Spam 3

Maintaining a blog for over four years has its perks. One of the best parts is getting great spam messages in the comment inbox. While most of them are links to porn sites or incoherent gibberish, there are a few comedic gems. I have listed some of my favorites, in no particular order. Read them and meditate. To understand them is to achieve enlightenment.

  • F*ckin? awesome things here. I?m very satisfied to see your article. Thanks so much and i am having a look ahead to touch you. Will you kindly drop me a e-mail?

Thanks? a lot for the compliment. I?m very satisfied to see your spam comment. Thanks so much and i am having a look ahead to… TOUCH ME?! Holy shit! I think this spambot is stalking me.

  • she is about to masturbate in the bedroom in a hotel room after taking her clothes off when her girlfriend s dude buddy knocks at the door.

Woah, that sounds really fucking hot. It’s like I’m reading Penthouse Forum all of a sudden. Hey, don’t stop there. What happens next? I’ve got my tissues and lotion ready. Don’t leave me hanging!

  • Had a wardrobe fitting for the next season of iCarly! Freddie’s clothes are Freddie-er than ever. And I still fit in last season’s jeans! :D

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS! ONE OF THE CAST MEMBERS FROM iCARLY READS MY BLOG! SQUEEEE! Ahem. But why does it have to be Freddie? Why can’t it be Carly instead? She’s legal now, right?

Continue reading ‘The Zen of Spam 3′

01
Jan
13

Awesomest/Shittiest Things of 2012

It’s that time once again, people. Time to look back at the awesomest and shittiest things of 2012. As always, it remains a struggle to find things for the awesome category, and to keep the shitty category to a minimum. Check it out:

Awesome

  1. U.S. Presidential Election – Two years ago today, someone left a comment on the Awesomest/Shittiest Things of 2010 that said, “I wonder how the author would feel when Obama loses in 2012.” Well, I’ve been waiting a long time to answer this question, simply because I had to see who won the 2012 Presidential Election. Since Obama won, I guess we’ll never know how I would feel in the event of his loss. Nevertheless, his win was a glorious victory for socialism, comrades! Anyway, the 2012 Presidential Election was amazing because it gave us such great moments as Clint Eastwood talking to an empty chair, Paul Ryan loving to pump iron, Obama telling people if they had successful businesses, they “didn’t build that”, Romney saying how he had “binders full of women”, Obama blowing a huge lead, Romney having a vendetta against Big Bird, Obama completely fucking up the first debate, and Romney mentioning that “47%” of Americans are slovenly assholes who are completely dependent upon the teat of the government. This was a hilarious race from start to finish.
  2. Jenny Johnson - Jenny Johnson is a twitter comedian who you can follow by looking her up at @JennyJohnsonHi5 and I highly recommend you do. She tweets the greatest non-sequiturs I have ever seen on the Internet. For example, “I thought by the time I was a successful 34-year old adult, I’d be tired of putting people’s yard reindeers in sex positions. I was wrong.” or “There are two kinds of women in the world, those who don’t wear makeup to the gym, and those who let guys cum on their faces.” or “Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try to contact her dead grandma on a Oujia board.” She writes all sorts of inappropriate and sexually explicit jokes. The best part about her is that she often replies to tweets from Kim Kardashian and Chris Brown. A few months ago, there was a very heated argument between Brown and Johnson. Brown used all his courage gained from his extensive years of women-beating to essentially tell Johnson he wanted to take a dump in her eyes. Johnson, actually being intelligent had plenty of comebacks for him. By the end of it, Brown was so butthurt he quit Twitter. Jenny Johnson put that piece of shit in his place. She’s my Internet hero (apart from myself, of course).
  3. Mars Curiosity Rover – Curiosity landed on Mars on August 6, 2012. Its mission was to traverse the planet and collect data about the Red Planet from the biological to geological and more. In a short amount of time, we have already learned a number of new things about our interplanetary neighbor, all thanks to Curiosity. This could one day lead to the colonization of Mars. And, hey, if that gets us one step closer to banging hot alien babes, then I’m all for it.
  4. Higgs Boson (maybe) discovered – I’m told that this is a super amazing scientific discover that will help us better understand how our universe works. I think. Well, to be honest, I always sucked at Physics, so I will have to take the scientists’ word for it. This was all made possible thanks to the Large Hadron Collider which made the 2010 Awesome List. I’m still waiting for the right atom to get smashed which will lead to the complete destruction of the universe.
  5. Call Me Maybe – This Carly Rae Jepsen song was a mega-hit in the summer, and is still getting pretty frequent playtime on the air. It’s catchy as Hell. It’s a light pop song meant to be nothing but pure entertainment. So, I should hate it. But I don’t. No matter how hard I try, I just end up liking it even more. So, fuck you. Don’t judge me.
  6. Jesus Painting Restoration (Ecce Homo) – The greatest most unintentionally hysterical artistic achievement of 2012 came from Spain. A small church had a 19th-century fresco of Jesus which was in need of restoration. Not knowing any better, the church hired 80-year-old amateur artist Cecilia Giminez to restore it. Unfortunately, she completely fucked it up. The image of Jesus changed from Savior of Mankind to vaguely-apelike-apparition-with-a-Zoolander-mouth. Her fuckup made international headlines, and became a hilarious meme all at once. The highlight of the story came when tourism in the town increased exponentially, and the church began to charge people to view the fresco. Ms. Giminez then sued the church to get a cut of the profits for all her hard-earned work.
  7. Louie C.K. – Anyone in their right mind would nominate this guy for comedian of the year. He has the funniest show on TV, and is the funniest comic working today. His brand of humor manages to seamlessly blend comedy, drama, and reality. His ability to dig jokes out of everything from racism to masturbation to war to even more masturbation is the reason why he is a comedic genius. He goes where no one else will, and still manages to come out with great jokes every time. If you haven’t seen his show, or at least his recent SNL hosting gig, then you need to check him out.
  8. Weekly (almost) Posts – Mrs. Brik advised me to try and shit out a post every week for the blog. Admittedly, I missed a week here or there, but for the most part, I posted something weekly. Obviously, this is a good thing because it kept the site more up to date, and you lucky readers (yes, both of you) got imparted with even more of my profound wisdom. Just don’t expect anything more than one post a week. The effort alone would probably kill me.

Shitty

  1. U.S. Presidential Election – The problem with the 2012 Presidential Election was that you couldn’t avoid getting constantly bombarded by it. Every radio station, TV channel, magazine, and website were bearing some kind of election advertisement. Hell, I think the hookers were being sponsored by some candidate or another. Of course, we got great stuff from smaller races like the whole “legitimate rape” business, which just proves that the Republican Party is still the preferred political party for misogynistic assholes everywhere. Ultimately, the worst part of this race was that it solidified that candidates must pander to all sorts of scumbags in order to win a vote. The two party system is broken. All this election did was to prove that it didn’t matter who got elected. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
  2. Almost every movie from 2012 - Joyful Noise, Haywire, Redtails, Underworld 17, One for the Money, Big Miracle, The Vow, Ghost Rider 2, Act of Valor, John Carter, Mirror Mirror, Wrath of the Titans, The Three Stooges, The Raven, The Avengers, Battleship, What to Expect When You’re Expecting, Prometheus, Rock of Ages, That’s My Boy, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, Madea’s Witness Protection, The Amazing Spider-Man, Savages, Ice Age 24, The Watch, Total Recall, The Odd Life of Timothy Green, Hit and Run, The Cold Light of Day, Resident Evil 70, Looper, Taken 2, Here Comes the Boom, Alex Cross, Paranormal Activity 32, Twilight Breaking Dawn Baby Vampire Fetus Falls in Love with a Werewolf Part 9, Red Dawn, Playing for Keeps, Jack Reacher, and The Hobbit. Whew. That’s a lot of shitty movies. The only new releases I can remember liking were The Dark Knight Rises and Skyfall. I hope this year Hollywood will try a little harder.
  3. We Can’t Eat at Chick-Fil-A - In June, the COO of Chick-Fil-A made a statement against gay rights. He had been using proceeds from the restaurant to support legislation against gay marriage. Apparently, this had been going on since 2009, but didn’t hit the spotlight until last summer. Afterwards, nobody was allowed to eat at Chick-Fil-A anymore. Yeah, the chicken was dry, flavorless, and borderline grotesque, but the waffle fries were fucking amazing. Goddammit, Society! Are you trying to tell me that just because the COO of Chick-Fil-A is a homophobe, I’m no longer allowed to eat delicious waffle fries? In the immortal words of Jenny Johnson, “I’m gonna do my part and feed Chick-Fil-A waffle fries to a tranny through a glory hole today.”
  4. 2012 Summer Olympics Opening/Closing Ceremonies – The 2008 Summer Olympics in China had the greatest Opening/Closing Ceremonies of all time. Literally thousands of people were moving and playing instruments in perfect synchronization. It’s something only the Chinese could accomplish with their amazing groupthink and natural martial-arts/flying abilities. The follow-up took place in England and was a massive fucking disappointment. Nobody expected them to top the Chinese, but it was seriously terrible. It featured a bunch of douchebags reciting Shakespeare and wearing top hats in an industrial revolution setting. ZZZzzzZZZzzz. To make matters worse, it wasn’t even that well executed. I asked my wife to wake me up when it got interesting, and guess what? I slept through the whole thing.
  5. A Bunch of Shooting Rampages – Seriously, guys, what the fuck is going on? There were a billion mass shootings in the U.S. this year. Excluding the killers themselves, 81 people died in 13 separate events around the country. This kind of shit is ridiculous, and clearly things are spiraling out of control. We need two things to happen. First, the ban on assault weapons needs to be reinstated. It lapsed in 2004. There is no reason the NRA can justify the sale of fully automatic weapons with 30-round clips. That’s bullshit. All that shit needs to go. Second, this country needs to start taking the role of mental healthcare seriously. If someone is crazy, they need help. That’s the only way to really prevent these things from happening. The shooters aren’t just “evil”, they are mentally ill. And they could be treated so violence on this scale can come to an end.
  6. Elmo is a Child Molester – Elmo has been a fixture of Sesame Street since the 1970s, but rose to prominence in the 1990s with puppeteer Kevin Clash. This year Clash was accused of having molested an underage boy. Pretty much everyone ignored it and gave Clash the benefit of the doubt. After all, Micheal Jackson slept in beds with little boys and never touched them, right? So why should Clash be any different? Then another boy came forward, and Clash resigned from Sesame Street. People started to think, “Eh, maybe he did it.” And then three more. OK, so it looks like Clash totally did molest all those kids. I can just imagine him feeling up those kids using his creepy Elmo voice. That’s more horrifying than all of  my worst nightmares combined.
  7. 50 Shades of Grey – When Twilight was super-popular, every romance or teen-centric book on the shelves had cover-art that copied the artistic style of the Twilight books. Now that 50 Shades of Grey is popular, every romance or teen-centric book on the shelves has aped its cover-art style. If you thought Twilight was bad, well, 50 Shades is 50 times worse. I shit you not, it began as Twilight fan-fiction, written by someone using the moniker Snowqueen Icedragon. It’s about BDSM. Yeah, that’s right, it’s an incredibly popular fan-fiction about sexual sadomasichism. So, the next time your mom yells at you for finding porn in your room, just tell her it’s no different than her leaving a copy of 50 Shades on the coffee table.
  8. End of the World Didn’t Happen - Obviously, the world wasn’t going to end on December 21st, 2012. It didn’t end in the year 2000, and it didn’t end every other time somebody went around spouting doomsday prophecies. The most ridiculous part was that the Maya didn’t predict the end of the world. Rather, their Long Count calendar ended on that date. And, naturally, a bunch of modern-day morons took that to mean the end of the world. Since the world is still around, we get a thousand more years of human idiocy to come.

Well, another year has come and gone. 2013 is just getting started. I’m sure there will be many more awesome and shitty things happening during the Earth’s long trek around the sun. Let’s hope, no matter what happens, we can ridicule them with reckless abandon.

24
Mar
12

The Zen of Spam 2

Maintaining a blog for three and a half years has its perks. One of the best parts is getting great spam messages in the comment inbox. While most of them are links to porn sites or incoherent gibberish, there are some that are comedic gems. I have listed some of my favorites, in no particular order. Read them and meditate. To understand them is to achieve enlightenment.

  • Hi Jslittlelady, Enjoyed your post, sure did bring back some memories. I have come to really love the OTK spankings, they are my favorite. .I hate it when sailor puts me over the bed, then I know I am really in for it. .Hugs .Lil Sam
Dude, I think you got the wrong blog. Jslittlelady does not work here. And which post reminded you of a sailor putting you over a bed and spanking you? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that some people are able to get off just by reading Awesomely Shitty. After all, it is an amazing blog.
  • Alright this is my final idea, CPBO: Club Penguin Black Ops. I was thinking maybe it could be a secret branch of CPR. I have the uniform already too, The Rescue helmet,Red sun glasses, Red guitar, Climbing Backpack, Hiking boots, and the Ninja Suit ( cause the Black Ops need to be the best ). Thats my army idea. Please approve. O and if you approve i was thinking our first mission could be to go undercover and see if ACP is really “Attackers/Anti Club Pengiun or Army of Club Penguin”. Once again please approve. Takashiemiko Rangers Lead The Way!!
Club Penguin Black Ops? As a secret branch of CPR? So while you’re doing chest compressions some ninjas in penguin suits come in to attack backpackers? Now I’m starting to get confused. I really don’t see how that’s going to improve CPR, but I guess I’ll try anything once.
What is it that I’m not supposed to know about gays? I know they can be like a secret society, but is this some kind of doomsday warning? Please tell me! Now I’m getting really worried! And what does this have to do with Conan the Barbarian? Does it promote some kind of secret gay agenda? Somebody help! Continue reading ‘The Zen of Spam 2′
01
Jan
12

Awesomest/Shittiest Things of 2011

Last year I wrote a list of the Awesomest and Shittiest Things of 2010. I thought I would do it again for 2011. Last time it was a struggle to find just 10 things for the Awesome category. It was an even greater struggle to limit the Shitty category to a mere 10 entries. So it goes. I’m writing less this year, mostly because I don’t give a fuck. I guess 2011 was extra crappy, huh? Check it out:

Awesome

  1. Occupy Wall Street – I like the idea of protesting those goddamn fuckos on Wall Street. Those fucking pigs take all our fucking money and the masses get fucking shit upon. It’s been that way since the dawn of civilization. The have-nots are always going to be jealous of the haves. At least some people are letting it be known that they’re pissed off about it. The U.S. population is usually so goddamn complacent, that Wall Street’s behavior is considered OK because nobody says anything about it. I congratulate this group for protesting, and I hope they are successful. Fuck Wall Street.
  2. Harry Potter Ended – And it ended well. They somehow managed to film all seven books, over a period of 10 years, and they kept the entire cast. Well, the original Dumbledore died after movie #2, but the guy they replaced him with was a million times better. I’m completely amazed that one of the kids didn’t die from a heroin overdose or leave after movie #6 to pursue “more artistic endeavors.” The Harry Potter films were cool, and they did a phenomenal job creating them. I’m glad they all turned out so great. One of Hollywood’s few non-fuckups.
  3. Lego Man Appears from the Sea – In Florida, an 8-foot tall Lego man rose from the sea. He sported a green shirt that read, “NO REAL THAN YOU ARE.” The Lego corporation denied any involvement in this. But that’s not the end of the story. He washed up on a beach in England in 2008, and on a Dutch beach the year before that. Are these all the same guy, or perhaps a race of Lego Supermen with terrible grammar who are hellbent on conquering Earth? Whichever it may be, all I know is that if we are conquered, it’s going to be hard to not have a good time. Legos are super fun.
  4. Arab Spring - A wave of revolutions, both peaceful and violent, across the Middle East has toppled dictatorial regimes. It’s excellent that after decades of suppression, the people can rise up and take control of their countries. Better to have a free country than one that is ruled by fear. Right, U.S. Republican Party? Hello? Anybody there?
  5. Several End of the World Predictions Fail – American Christian radio-show host and lunatic Harold Camping predicted several times that the world would end in 2011. He prophesied that Judgment Day would occur on May 21 and The Rapture on October 21. Neither of which happened. He changed the dates to later in the year, and again they didn’t happen. He’s not exactly an expert on this kind of stuff because he predicted the exact same shit in 1994 and that didn’t happen either. I guess you could argue that the film debut of Chris Tucker in House Party 3 in 1994 was the apocalypse, but most people aren’t going to agree with you. (I would, though.) Anyway, now that it’s 2012, get ready for a boatload more failed End of the World predictions!
  6. Cobra Goes Missing from the Bronx Zoo – In New York City, an Egyptian Cobra escaped from the Reptile House. Everyone promptly went apeshit, afraid of the imminent reptilian uprising. Snakes on a Plane no longer seemed like a far-fetched disaster movie. This was the real deal, man! Eventually, they found the snake, still in the zoo. All that worrying was for nothing. I hope that snake enjoyed his day off. Those zoo animals work really hard.
  7. Charlie Sheen’s Meltdown – He’s got Tiger Blood in his veins. He’s not bipolar, he’s bi-winning. He’s an F-18. The only drug he’s high on is himself, which will melt your face off and your children will weep over your exploded body. Charlie’s my kind of guy. With quotes like that (and a million others just as good), how could he not be one of the awesomest things this year?
  8. Colbert Super PAC“Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow.” Once again, Stephen Colbert proved that the U.S. government is completely out of touch with reality. A PAC (Political Action Committee) is a private group organized to elect officials or to influence public policy. Super PACs can raise unlimited sums of money from corporations, individuals, unions, etc. Members of the media are not allowed to participate, as their influence is too far reaching. Well, Colbert, who is a member of the media, successfully lobbied the FEC (Federal Election Commission) to allow him to form a Super PAC. He appealed to them in character, in the most smug, satirical manner possible. He stated he wanted to have a Super PAC so he could raise money for political ads and “normal administrative expenses, including but not limited to, luxury hotel stays, private jet travel, and PAC mementos from Saks Fifth Avenue and Neiman Marcus.” And they gave it to him. Bravo, Mr. Colbert.

Shitty

  1. Occupy Wall Street – Even though the concept of protesting Wall Street Fuckos is totally awesome, the ways these dumbass hippies are going about it are all wrong. For example, Occupy Denver elected Shelby, a three year old border collie, to be its leader. The Colbert Report interviewed members of OWS, and (of course) Colbert picked the two biggest weirdos from OWS to be on his show. If they are any representation of the rest of the group, then I’m about to side with the corporations. Come on guys, you need to come up with at least one concrete demand. Otherwise, you’re just a bunch of homeless people sleeping in a park.
  2. Royal Wedding – Prince Baldhead and Princess Whatsherface got married this summer. Everyone around the world was super pumped about it. Who gives a fuck? I’ve been to plenty of weddings, and 99 times out of 100 they are trashy, and waste a perfectly good Saturday. Why would anyone want to waste a Saturday watching a fucking wedding on TV? You don’t even know them. Get a life, people.
  3. Japanese Tsunami – Japan got pummeled early this year with a massive tsunami which led to a near-nuclear meltdown. Japan is like a magnet for nuclear disasters. I guess that’s why Godzilla keeps attacking it. At least people recognized this as a major issues, and did something about it. If Japan got obliterated, then who would create all the shitty moe anime? Korea?
  4. Arab Spring - Kind of like OWS, the Arab Spring turned out to be not so great in the long run. A lot of the peaceful protests turned violent, there was a civil war (perhaps more on the way), and now there is all sorts of religious persecution in the fledgling governments. Violent revolutions have a greater tendency to lead to violent regimes as opposed to peaceful ones. Who can really say what the end result of all this will be? But I do know that the Middle East remains completely fucked.
  5. Republican Presidential Race“OBAMA IS DESTROYING AMERICA! ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE DESTROYING AMERICA! GAY MARRIAGE IS DESTROYING AMERICA! PROSTESTORS ARE DESTROYING AMERICA! ONLY PRIVATE MULTI-NATIONAL CORPORATIONS CAN SAVE AMERICA! LET’S ELECT THE RICHEST CANDIDATE BECAUSE THEY’LL BE MOST IN TOUCH WITH THE AVERAGE AMERICAN! NO CANDIDATE WITH LESS THAN TWO MARITAL AFFAIRS WILL BE CONSIDERED FOR OFFICE! FLIP-FLOP ON THE ISSUES! LIE! THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY IS STIFLING BUSINESSES AND KILLING THE ECONOMY! DOWN WITH THE EPA! FUCK THE ENVIRONMENT! GRRRRR!”
  6. Black Friday Now on Thanksgiving – Apparently, starting the sales at 4:00 AM isn’t early enough for some people. Over the years, as the sales inched earlier and earlier, I used to joke that eventually they’d start having Black Friday on Thanksgiving. Well, guess what? Black Friday now starts on Thursday. Now all the greed and blood-lust associated with the holiday season can get going one day sooner.
  7. NASA Ends the Shuttle Program – How will I meet hot alien babes like on Star Trek if you guys shut down the shuttle program?
  8. People Upset About Steve Jobs’ Death – Boo fucking hoo. This guy was a world-class asshole. He was a dick to his customers, and he treated his employees like shit. Yet people were crying in the streets over his death. I saw about a million fucking Facebook posts from my “friends” mourning him (they were all promptly removed from my friend-list). The dude was a complete dick. He made it onto the Shitty List from 2010. He ran his company like a fucker, and most of his employees hated him. Don’t go around acting like he’s the Jesus of computers, some martyr who should be worshipped now that he’s dead. Get over it. Go and be sad about the death of someone important, like Kim Jong-Il. *sniff* What will we do without our glorious leader? How can we go on? *cries*

Well, the year 2011 has given us plenty of awesome things, but way more shitty things. I suppose every year is like that. Let’s see what happens in 2012. I’m sure there will be no shortage of shit that will piss me off.

26
Mar
11

The Zen of Spam

Maintaining a blog for two and a half years has its perks. One of the best parts is getting great spam messages in the comment inbox. While most of them are links to porn sites or incoherent gibberish, there are some that are comedic gems. I have listed some of my favorites, in no particular order. Read them and meditate. To understand them is to achieve enlightenment.

  • Hello. Good blog. I enjoy reading it. It has great games and Jason Statham content.

It’s awfully nice of you to say that. I can’t tell you how many Jason Statham articles I’ve written (zero), but I’m happy you found them to be enjoyable. And as for games, my personal favorite is a spirited game of strip Twister. Ah, the wonderful middle school gym class memories…

  • Wow! what an idea ! What a concept ! Beautiful… Amazing…

Since you left this comment in the post Sexman Monday: Iron Man 2, I have to assume that Sexman is the one you find to be beautiful and amazing. I would never dare to disagree. He is quite a catch.

  • Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.

I had no idea these random spam-generating bots could be so profound.

  • One time I accidentally stumbled upon a remarkable site that allowed me to meet my beloved. The site is very popular, I’m glad that came across him, his name I’ll write in the next post

What site was it? Who did you meet? What is his name? Tell me now! THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!!!!!

Continue reading ‘The Zen of Spam’

01
Jan
11

Awesomest/Shittiest Things of 2010

It seems like every year brings nothing but 365 days of non-stop shit. Awesome things are much harder to come by. It would have been a piece of cake to write a top 10, top 20, or top 500 list of shitty things that happened in 2010. Choosing just a few was quite a challenge. An even greater challenge was finding an equal number of awesome things from this year. With a little bit of scrounging, I realized that there were some cool things that happened in 2010, after all. This list is the best and worst things of the year, as I see it, which means it is 100% right. If you disagree with any of them, you’re 100% wrong. So here you have it, a list of the awesomest and shittiest things of 2010.

Awesome

  1. Large Hadron Collider – It’s the world’s largest and most powerful particle accelerator. From smashing atoms it is expected to help answer some of the universe’s greatest questions from the Big Bang Theory to the Mystery of Oprah’s Fluctuating Weight. It had countless delays but finally got up and running this year. Scientists are already using it in the hopes of analyzing Dark Matter. Doomsday-nutjobs predict that the LHC will atom-smash its way into the complete destruction of the universe. Sweet!
  2. Inception – It’s actually pretty rare for Hollywood to make a good movie, let alone a great one. This film had it all. From cast to music to action to directing to plot, this movie shines in every department. It is a rare and wonderful thing when a movie doesn’t dumb itself down to pander to the billions of mouth-breathers who will inevitably watch it. I suppose it’s rare because movie studio execs are mouth-breathers, too. While the story about dream-stealers wasn’t particularly confusing if you actually paid attention (most people didn’t), it was innovative enough to draw you into its world. It was intelligent, with overlapping dream sequences, and fun, with the incredibly entertaining rotating hallway scene. Director Christopher Nolan worked on this for nearly a decade, and his love for it and detail to attention really shines through. Probably the best movie of the year.
  3. Goldilocks Planet – Scientists discovered a planet about 20 light years away which, like Earth, has all the right factors to sustain life. Better yet, scientists hypothesize that there are many more planets like it in the universe, meaning there could be a lot of aliens out there. Hopefully, they are all super hot and look exactly like humans except for weird shit on their faces just like in Star Trek. Can someone say alien porno?
  4. Russian Spy Ring – Earlier this year the FBI busted a Russian spy ring that was operating in the U.S. Some of them had been spying for Mother Russia since the mid-1990s, while others came on board later. They had spied on various facets of the U.S. government, and had a complex, covert means of communicating with Russia. They were eventually caught, and traded back to Russia in a large-scale prisoner exchange. Best of all, one of them was definitely supermodel material. There’s nothing like a beautiful Russian agent to bring out those James Bond fantasies in all of us.
  5. Winter Olympics – It always seems like the Winter Olympics is the ugly half-sister of the super-hot Summer Olympics. This year, however, things were different. People were genuinely excited for the games, and I found myself watching it often. For some reason, everything was captivating from Snowboarding to Speed Skating to Bobsleigh to Country Cross Skiing. Yes, that’s right, even Cross Country Skiing was awesome. I had always remembered it as some boring guys doing a leisurely snow-walk across a flat surface. What I saw this year was a bunch of totally crazy dudes racing full force through a mountain of snow with a couple of skiis attached to their feet. It was hardcore, and they looked like they were putting way more energy into it than any Summer Olympics track star. I will definitely be tuning in to the Winter Olympics in the future. It is the ugly half-sister no longer.
  6. Psychic World Cup Octopus – Paul the Octopus lived humbly in Germany. During the 2010 World Cup, he had accurately predicted all of the winners of 8 matches, including the final round. Food (a mussel) was placed in two boxes, each with the flag of a country. Whichever mussel Paul ate first was predicted to win the match. And he never got one wrong. The undefeated octopus was indeed psychic. Now all I need to do is kidnap the little guy and take him on a roadtrip to Vegas.
  7. Flight Attendant Quits – Jet Blue flight attendant Steven Slater quit in a blaze of glory that I certainly hope to live up to someday. When a passenger gave him some attitude, he decided he had enough. He used the intercom to let loose a tirade of four-letter words, grabbed a couple of beers, and commandeered the emergency escape ramp to slide out of the plane. There are very few things more awesome than cursing at someone and downing some booze while you’re at work.
  8. Daft Punk – This is by far the most talented electronic music group working today, and probably of all time. This year Disney made a smart move by allowing them to do the entire soundtrack to their movie Tron: Legacy. It only makes sense to have a electronic soundtrack populating a computerized world. It’s rare for such a perfect match to happen these days. Apparently, one of the two robots of Daft Punk stated he was heavily influenced by the visual aesthetic of the original Tron film. I guess that means things have come full circle. Oh yeah, and the soundtrack fucking rocked.
  9. Colbert Testifies – For some reason, Congress decided to call Stephen Colbert to testify in front of a House of Representatives subcommittee on illegal immigration. Apparently Congressmen don’t watch TV. Either that or they are completely retarded for thinking that Colbert was going to give earnest testimony. And why would a TV comedian be qualified to testify on such an issue? They wouldn’t, but that gives you an idea of how in-touch with reality U.S. politicians are. Colbert appeared in character and immediately showed anyone who watched it what a farce the whole thing was. He kicked things off early with this line, “As you heard this morning, America’s farms are presently far too dependent upon immigrant labor to pick our fruits and vegetables. Now the obvious answer is for all of us to stop eating fruits and vegetables. And if you look at the recent obesity statistics, you’ll see that many Americans have already started.” And later, “Because my great grandfather did not travel across four thousand miles of  the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland. That’s the rumor, I don’t know if that’s true, I’d like to have that stricken from the record.” And finally, “For one thing, when you’re picking beans, you have to spend all day bending over. It turns out – and I did not know this – most soil is at ground level. If we can put a man on the moon, why can’t we make the earth waist-high? Come on, where is the funding?” It takes a lot of balls to walk into Congress, who is 100% serious and 100% stupid, and make fun of them right to their faces.
  10. This blog – rules.

Shitty

  1. Bristol Palin – The evil spawn of Sarah Palin has already had more publicity than any vapid, obese teen mom should. The biggest insult to humanity in 2010 was subjecting us to her antics on TV’s Dancing with the Stars. For the love of god, who would want to watch her ineptly gyrating on stage week after week? And I really do mean week after week, because she lasted until the final episode. Making matters even crazier is that her bitch mom forced her to go on DWTS because she “owed” it to her after she caused her to lose the 2010 election. Yeah Sarah, I’m sure the fact that you quit your first term as Governor, and you can “see Alaska from my house” had nothing to do with it. If you didn’t think it could get worse, well it does because Bristol is also the only contestant on DWTS history to actually gain weight! Yes, all those hours of dancing must have been off-balanced by the extra Big Macs and Twinkies she shoved in her face every night. Finally, her dancing was so awful a Wisconsin man made national headlines when he was so enraged by Bristol’s terrible dancing that he blasted his TV with a shotgun, resulting in a standoff with police. You see, Bristol, look at what you’ve done. I think you “owe” it to us to never appear on TV again.
  2. iPhone4/Steve Jobs – The iPhone 4 was supposed to be like the Jesus of telephones. It could perform miracles and come back from the dead. It could do anything… except make phone calls. Apparently they changed the antenna so that when you held the phone a certain way, the calls would get dropped or not go through at all. Fan-fucking-tastic engineering, Apple. Of course when people started complaining, the incredibly humble and consummate everyman Steve Jobs told people, “Just avoid holding it that way.” Thanks, Steve, next time I make a call I’ll try to avoid holding the phone with my hand. Asshole.
  3. 3D – Will this trend please, please die already? It worked well enough in Avatar, but only because director James Cameron essentially built a whole new 3D camera rig from the ground up. Of course it still gave me a headache while I was watching it, but it was OK for just that one movie. Unfortunately, now everything is in fucking 3D. Most of it is shitty post-converted 3D, which means it wasn’t filmed that way, so it looks extra terrible like The Last Airbender. It seems like every movie is being made in 3D now, and Hollywood is charging extra for the ticket prices. It’s a shitty gimmick that allows them to continue to get away with weak ass stories and shitty acting. Hey Hollywood, how about this for a gimmick: make good movies for a change.
  4. U.S. Republican Party – To quote Obi Wan Kenobi, in Capitol Hill, “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.” Never before have I seen a group of people so adamantly opposed to doing absolutely anything. For the last two years, Republicans have cockblocked every bill brought to Congress by Democrats simply because they were brought to Congress by Democrats. That’s right, they opposed everything simply out of principle. And we aren’t talking heavily partisan politics here, we are talking bills that would do things like help decrease the world’s supply of nuclear weapons. Yeah, we can’t have enough of those. (Eventually they did pass that one, but only after bitching about it for months ahead of time.) Republicans, however, are amazing in their ability to use Jedi Mind Tricks on the American public. They brainwashed everyone into thinking that lowering taxes on the richest citizens (while not giving a fuck about anyone else), and effectively decreasing the flow of revenue into the government, would somehow decrease the giant deficit. Bravo! I am genuinely impressed. Democrats are idiots, too, because they essentially just laid down and allowed this shit to happen to them despite having control of Congress with a super-majority. Nice going, dipshits. I think that the Republicans should attempt to do something in order to get things moving along in the U.S, and Democrats should stop being such pussies. If nobody does anything, then how do they expect anything to change? On the bright side, former Republican Congressman and world-class asshole Tom Delay, was convicted of money laundering in 2010. So at least we have that to smile about.
  5. Bieber Fever – It’s not Justin Bieber that I have a problem with. To me, he’s like… eh, whatever. What pisses me off are his ridiculously obsessive, moronic fans. They actually remind me a lot of Twilight fans. While Twilight fans are sickening, obese, middle-aged housewives who fantasize about dreamy guys who don’t have sex, Bieber fans are sickening, obese, pre-teen/teenage girls who fantasize about an androgynous guy who probably hasn’t developed pubic hair yet. His songs aren’t that good, yet they flood the radio. As a teenage generic love-song factory, he was rightly given a multi-episode guest starring role on the TV show CSI. Yeah, that makes sense. His performance was… hilariously amazing. And now Bieber fever has catapaulted him to star in his own movie Never Say Never, which of course is a movie about his life. Ah, I can’t wait to see all the arduous trials, his long slow struggle through his career, and the sage wisdom he accumulate over all of his 16 years.
  6. Kesha – The fact that this bitch can’t sing, can’t dance, can’t write coherent songs, is drunk 99% of the time, isn’t attractive, and can still be a major music star is the reason why I have shunned popular music. Since she can’t sing she just pseudo-raps or “sing/talks” throughout each track with heavy auto-tuning to make up for her wailing voice, which is akin to the cry of a dying cat. Her songs are horrible, but the music industry wants them to be hits, so they just force radio stations to play them over and over again until they eventually become hits. Between her braindead “music” and Kanye West getting credit for rapping over Daft Punk’s hard work (i.e. Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger), the music industry should just burn in hell.
  7. BP Oil Rig Leak – This one seems like an obvious choice, I realize that. But it doesn’t make it any less shitty. For months oil spewed into the Gulf of Mexico. Nobody seemed to give a fuck, and the oil kept coming and coming. And of course it happened to New Orleans, who seems to have still not quite made it out of the Hurricane Katrina clusterfuck. Poor New Orleans seems to be a magnet for bad shit. Pretty soon Bristol Palin will fly down there to dance for them, causing their next natural disaster. At the very least the oil leak seemed to have a decent resolution. Unfortunately, Obama seemed to care about this as much as Bush did about Katrina. It’s not like Obama was going to personally dive underwater and plug up the leak, but he could have at least pretended to give a shit.
  8. Full Body Airport Security Scanners – There’s nothing better than having a creepy, bald-headed, nude photograph taken of you at the airport for TSA to drool over and inevitably jerk off to. I’m glad that this is what airport security has come to. Either have a public naked picture taken of you (With bonus radiation zapped through your body!), or get a public groping instead. Decisions, decisions. Benjamin Franklin said, “They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.” I agree with him, and people who complacently agree to be scanned should go fuck themselves.
  9. Jay Leno/Tonight Show Debacle – Last place network NBC made a great move earlier this year by firing Conan O’Brien from his 6-month-long hosting stint at The Tonight Show and replacing him with former host Jay Leno. Conan put up a fight, and NBC went straight to a child-like tantrum by threatening to block Conan from appearing anywhere on TV for the next three years. Leno, of course, was backing NBC’s decision, so he looked like a complete tool. Soon, everything went entirely to shit, and NBC fired Conan. Conan fought back with his last week of shows by spending exorbitant amounts of money, just to stick it to NBC as a final “fuck you.” So now that Leno is back as the host of The Tonight Show, how did it all work out? Well, The Tonight Show has the worst ratings in the series’ history, NBC is still the last place network, NBC’s jackass president resigned, and Conan’s new show on TBS is getting better ratings than The Tonight Show. You see, NBC? That’s what you get for being douchebags.
  10. Any blog that isn’t this one – sucks.

Well, the year 2010 has given us plenty of awesome things, but way more shitty things. I suppose every year is like that. Let’s see what happens in 2011. I’m sure there will be no shortage of shit that will piss me off.

15
Jun
09

Unko-san = Lucky Crap

One more reason why I love Japan: a talking piece of poop…that is considered lucky because it is good natured and helps people.

Verdict: Awesome

06
Mar
09

Japanese R2D2 and C3PO – Fuck Yes!

Verdict: Awesome




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