iPhone, you are a magnificent bastard.

So I finally broke down and joined the legion of iPhone carriers. My girlfriend is Original Gangsta, as she has the 2G phone. I’ve seen her use it for quite a long time now, and I decided that it was cool and I should get one of my own. The only problem was that I was still under contract with Alltel. That cell phone company has amazing service, but the worst phones on the goddamn planet. All their phones are cheap plasticky crap from 4 fucking years ago. I mean, seriously, if they had at least one decent phone, they wouldn’t have been swallowed up by Verizon. Anyway, I digress…

My contract finally ended, and the next day I was all set to make the switch to AT&T so I could get an iPhone 3GS. The “S” is for “suck” — err, I mean “speed,” the S is for “speed.”

Since all of Apple’s shit is so insanely overpriced, I have never walked into an Apple store and purchased anything. In fact, the only Apple product I have ever owned was an iPod nano that I bought refurbished online. That was the only way I could afford it. I mean, seriously, you have to be a fucking trust fund baby to purchase any of Apple’s shit. Anyway, I digress again…

I thought it would be cool to finally be able to walk into an Apple store and actually buy something, instead of gawk. So, my girlfriend and I went to the mall. I thought it would be a piece of cake to set up a new AT&T account, and port over my old Alltel phone number. Well, that was a completely retarded idea on my part. I was forgetting that everyone is an idiot, and this would be damn near impossible to accomplish.

This total Apple fanboy spaz tried to help me buy my iPhone. The first problem is that the Apple store doesn’t have an AT&T rep. Rather, they use some kind of outdated portable computer system from 1987. So, Spazzy-McGee tried to set up my account, but he failed. He tried again, and failed again. After that it was his lunch break, so he left, and the store manager took over trying to set up my account. He failed twice. By that time I was getting really, really fucking pissed off. What was the goddamn problem?! The manager decided the best thing to do was to call AT&T directly, and set up my account over the phone. The lady on the phone asked to speak to me in order to verify some information. So, the manger handed me his iPhone, and I spoke to the lady for about 30 seconds, when… wait for it… the call was dropped.

Great fucking display of your technology, AT&T and Apple. Way to go. I turned around and stormed out, resolved to never try to buy anything in an Apple store again, because the retards that work there are fucking incompetent.

Next, my girlfriend and I drove to the closest AT&T store. We figured that doing it in person would work out. I hate going to cell phone stores, because you inevitably have to wait 3 hours to talk to anyone. I mean, what the fuck? Why do all cell phone stores have only two employees working at any given time, when there are 50 customers? Jesus tapdancing Christ. Well, after waiting about half an hour in line, I finally get to talk to some salesgirl.

I explained the situation to her. She said that it would be easy to set up my account and port over my Alltel phone number. “Which iPhone do you want?” she asked cheerfully.

“I want the 16gb black 3GS,” I replied, feeling relieved.

“Oh, we’re all out of that one. Would you like the 32gb instead?”

“Are you going to sell it to me at the 16gb price?”

“No.”

“Then, no, I don’t want it,” I said, feeling my anger rising once more.

The salesgirl was nice enough to explain to me that the version I wanted was flying off the shelves everywhere, and were nearly impossible to get. At that point I was thinking I should just stay with Alltel and get a fucking Blackberry. But my girlfriend, who wasn’t blinded by rage, asked the salesgirl to call other AT&T stores to see if any of them had one. She did. The first two stores were sold out, but the third store had four available.

Success! The only problem was that we had to drive another half an hour to get there. No problem. We jumped into my honey-wagon and took off down the road. We get to the shopping complex where the AT&T store was located, and drove around… and around… and around.

What the fuck?! Where’s the store?!

My girlfriend pulls up the phone number on her iPhone, and contacts them. They are in the back corner of the complex. We drove around the complex for another five minutes before we finally found it. It was buried in the back corner by a bunch of empty storefronts, with a ridiculously tiny AT&T logo printed on the window.

It’s no fucking wonder they had four 16gb iPhones, it was nearly impossible to find the goddamn store. We went inside, explained the situation to the salesman, and he said, “No problem.”

He was able to port over my old Alltel number, and hook me up with the iPhone I wanted, which a few minutes before, I believed was an impossible task. I walked out of the store 10 minutes later, happy. All told, the endeavor took three hours to complete. Was it worth it?

Yes. Yes it was. The iPhone 3GS is fucking incredible. The apps are great, the texting is fun, the internet is amazing, the signal quality is… oh fuck me. The call quality kind of sucks. I actually had a call drop while I was standing in my back yard. I mean, what the fuck? Overall, the pros outweigh the cons, and I am completely satisfied with my purchase. Even though I almost had to murder someone to get it.

To rephrase AT&T’s current slogan: “The iPhone, the world’s greatest phone, on America’s worst network.”

(P.S. I can’t believe AT&T had the fucking nerve to charge me a $36 activation fee after I bought a two-year contract, and bought a $200 phone. Fucking greedy assholes.)

Verdicts:

Apple Store Employees: Shitty

AT&T Service Quality: Shitty

iPhone 3GS: Awesome

My roommate is an undeniably huge asshole. Here is a list of things that he does (perhaps intentionally, I’m not sure) to piss me off:

1. Throws twist-ties from plastic bags on the kitchen floor, even though the trash can is two feet away.
2. Spills juice / drops food on the floor and doesn’t clean it up.
3. Leaves 500 pairs of shoes in the entryway, strategically placed for me to trip over every time I enter or leave the apartment.
4. When asked to clean up his messes, he says that he will, but doesn’t do it.
5. When yelled at to clean up his messes, he assures me he will, but still doesn’t do it.
6. Takes 30 minute showers (with the temperature as hot as possible) and then runs the bathroom sink for 15 minutes (also with the temperature as hot as possible) while he shaves. After all of this, if I try to take a shower, the water is ice cold.
7. Doesn’t turn the shower all the way off, so the water is on all day long, which runs up the utility bill.
8. Runs the heater in the summer, and the air conditioner in the winter.
9. Starts talking and interrupts whatever I’m watching on TV without waiting for a commercial.
10. Slams cabinet doors, bangs pots and pans, and rattles around the kitchen in the middle of the night, waking me up.
11. Put knives into the knife block upside down.
12. Runs the dryer at 7am while I’m trying to sleep.
13. Leaves rotting food in the trash can so that the entire apartment smells like garbage.
14. Explodes food in the microwave, and leaves toast in the toaster for up to a week at a time.
15. Never turns off my DVD player, and it may remain on for up to 24 hours.
16. Is able to run the dishwasher, but unable to empty it.
17. Sleeps from 5pm to 2am, so if I watch TV with the volume on it always wakes him up.
18. Doesn’t understand why I am constantly annoyed with him, and spend as little time at home as possible.
19. Is generally inconsiderate, and has no idea how to live with other humans.
20. Thinks his behavior is completely normal.

Do you have a horrible roommate? Let me know what they do to piss you off.

Verdict: Shitty

I am sending out a giant FUCK YOU to everyone who was traveling by air this holiday season. But most especially to the selfish motherfuckers who put their goddamn oversized Gortex coats and laptop cases in the overhead bins (you know who you are). Those bins aren’t for your fucking coats and laptop cases, that’s what the spot underneath the seat is for. The bins are for the rolling carry-on’s that are too big to fit under the seat. But you assholes put your fucking shit up there and take up the space, so I can’t put my goddamn carry-on anywhere. There was this one guy in particular. I asked him if I could move his stuff (a laptop case and a coat – you guessed it), so I could put my carry-on into the bin above my seat. He said I could move it around, but he wouldn’t be altruistic enough to take it out of the bin. So much for the fucking holiday season, and looking out for your fellow man and all that bullshit. This was happening everywhere, and becoming such a big problem that they crew made a special announcement telling those assholes to put their small cases and coats under the seats so people could put their larger carry-on’s in the overhead bins. (This has been getting really bad since the airlines started charging for checking bags… so fuck you, too, airlines.) After the announcement was made, I looked around and failed to see a single person do this. This is something that could only happen in America, where we care more about our own fucking comfort than: 1) following the rules, or 2) doing something to aid our fellow man. I eventually did find a spot for my bag, although it was in the first class section, approximately fifty rows up from where I was sitting, crammed into a seat barely large enough for a small midget. So, the selfishness of the other air travelers really made my experience a great one. Thanks a lot, assholes. Go fuck yourselves.