Predators

As you all know, the original Predator is an 80s classic. One of the best examples of sci-fi and action. It is such a monumentally important film, it blows away Oscar-winning films by comparison. Unfortunately, the Predator franchise has fared even worse than the Alien franchise in terms of churning out horrible sequels. This movie comes 23 years after the original and rightfully ignores the other movies that came in-between.

A group of modern-day warriors are dropped into a mysterious jungle. The group consists of military-types, mob-enforcers, Yakuza, and serial killers. Each has their own weapon and their own style of killing. They hesitantly team up so they can find their way out of the jungle. What happens next is exactly what you expect/want to happen. Predators start hunting and killing them one by one.

Predators works because it doesn’t try to reinvent the franchise. It just uses the good stuff from the original and expands on it. That’s all. It has the suspense, the build-up, the action, and the bloodiness of the original. Instead of one Predator there are several, and it turns out the characters were sent to an alien world which is a big “game preserve” for the Predators. Their focus shifts from survival to getting the hell off the planet. They expanded the Predator mythology a bit to show there are two types of Predators and they don’t exactly get along. The human characters are able to use this to their advantage in order to resolve the fight against superior enemies in a logical fashion.

Overall, just about everything in this movie works. There is some questionable CGI but it isn’t used too much. A few of the characters should have lasted longer but died too soon (e.g. Danny Trejo). The final battle wasn’t much different than the final battle from the original movie. The action is plentiful but not overkill. The acting is pretty damn good including fun performances from Adrien Brody, Laurence Fishburne, and Walton Goggins. And it uses musical cues from the original, which helps it to better tie in to the franchise as a whole.

Verdict: Good

Drive Angry

This movie stars Nicolas Cage as a man who literally escapes from Hell in order to get revenge on an evil cult.

Verdict: Awesome

What? You need more than that to justify the verdict? I thought that sentence alone would have done it.

OK, so, Drive Angry is cheesy action cinema at its best. Cage died some years ago. His daughter was murdered by a cult, and that same cult is going to kill his granddaughter as a sacrifice to the Devil. Cage knows all this is going on, because in Hell you see nothing but the suffering of your loved ones. So, he does what anyone would do: escape from Hell in a Buick Riveria (the Devil has good taste in cars), and track down the cult.

What happens next is a series of car chases, shoot-outs, and general mayhem. I was surprised at just how graphically violent this movie is. It doesn’t pull any punches in terms of showing us limbs being blown off, brutal beatings, and even Cage getting shot in the face. Yes, you read that correctly. The goofy, over-the-top violence works in the movie’s favor, firmly cementing in the viewer’s minds that this is a grindhouse movie, and should not be taken seriously. If that doesn’t become apparent to you by the time Cage kills bad guys while having sex, then it never will.

Drive Angry is the perfect movie for that person who loves bad movies. It is a tribute to shitty movies. And the special effects, directing, acting, and editing all are pretty good so you still feel like you’re watching a high-end Hollywood movie. If you’re a fan of action, violence, nudity, and, most importantly, Nicolas Cage, then you’ll like this movie.

Verdict: Awesome

Let’s get ready to rumbllllllllllllle!

After watching two of the worst Westerns I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing, a sense of morbid curiosity forced me to do some research on them (i.e. read the Wikipedia articles). To my surprise, these two movies are directly related. And not simply because they both suck ass.

In 1952, High Noon (starring Gary Cooper and directed by Fred Zinneman) was released. Everybody hated it, and it only became a “classic” to film-fags looking at it in hind-sight. Contemporary people saw it as an allegory for the Red Scare in the U.S., and was deemed “un-American”. After all, any dissent against the government is un-American and therefore COMMUNISM. At least some things haven’t changed. But I digress… High Noon pissed off enough people that John Wayne and Howard Hawks decided they would make an argument against it, and that came in the form of Rio Bravo which was released in 1959.

High Noon pissed me off, too, not because it was un-American, but because it is fucking boring and moves along at a goddamn snail’s pace. I was too busy struggling against an impending coma to notice all the un-American stuff.

High Noon

Grandpa goes a-walkin’

The movie begins with a whiny song about a guy who will be deemed a coward unless he shoots “Frank Miller dead.” If you are going to watch this movie, I hope you like this song, because you’ll be hearing it a lot. I counted it being played 10 times. And when it wasn’t being played directly, variations of it were incorporated into the rest of the soundtrack. Couldn’t they afford more music?

The next thing we see is a kindly grandfather giving away his granddaughter at her wedding — no, wait a second — the old dude is getting married to the young girl. He must be 30 years older than her. It’s fucking gross. I know this kind of thing happens in Hollywood like with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas, but it’s just as creepy in the movie as it is in real life.

The wife is played by Grace Kelly, and she speaks with a really fucking annoying accent. It’s the kind you see in lots of movies from this era. It’s like an American/British hybrid. It doesn’t actually exist anywhere in reality, and it’s obvious whomever is using it is doing so intentionally. They do it to sound more refined or cultured, but just come across as a pretentious asshole.

Ummm yeeeaaah…

The plot of the movie is really straight-forward. Five years earlier, Marshal William Kane sent outlaw Frank Miller to jail. Now, he’s been pardoned and set free. The first thing he wants to do is get revenge on Kane. He tells his gang to wait for him at the town’s train station, and when he arrives at noon, they’ll kill Kane. The hook of the movie is that Kane is retiring this day (proving the cliche of the cop who is “getting too old for this shit” was around a lot longer than anyone cares to remember), and now he has to stay and fight. Nobody is willing to help him. Time is running out, because at noon, he is going to die.

High Noon uses a gimmick of portraying events in “real time.” The amount of time that elapses from when the movie begins to when the train arrives is the same in movie-time and in reality. This device is meant to create a growing sense of dread and build tension as noon gets closer and closer. Unfortunately, High Noon doesn’t have any tension whatsoever. Kane goes from person to person, asking for help, but not in any particular hurry. It’s almost like they thought just showing the clocks counting down would be enough to build tension. And they show the clocks a fuckload of times. Every five seconds you see a clock somewhere. The filmmakers didn’t realize that a countdown itself isn’t dramatic. The human element has to be just as riveting in order for there to be any tension. And they totally missed the boat.

Clocks, clocks, clock, clocks, clocks, clock, clocks, clocks, clocks…

Kane tries to enlist help from the townspeople, but doesn’t get any traction. The thing is, he’s a holier-than-thou turd. People actually do try to help him out, but if they don’t meet his ridiculously high moral standards, he doesn’t want their help. His deputy (played by Lloyd Bridges) tries to extort him into recommending him for Marshal. Another guy, Herb, agrees to help as long as there are a few guys along for the ride. An old dude with an eyepatch offers to help, but Kane just tells him to go get a drink at the saloon instead. A teenage kid tells him he’ll fight, but Kane won’t get him involved because he’s too young. If he had let these people help him, then there would have been 4 good guys against Miller’s 4 outlaws; a fair fight. But since Kane’s an idiot, he has to go against the outlaws solo.

A lot of characters refuse to help him because they are idiots. When Kane goes to a church to ask for help, 6 guys immediately join him. They change their minds 2 seconds later when people protest. The arguments they make are: 1) Miller has a personal vendetta against Kane and it has nothing to do with the town, and 2) If they get involved in a shootout, then nearby entrepreneurs won’t invest in the town. That second argument is completely retarded. Everyone knows full well Kane isn’t leaving town, and a shootout is inevitable. So, what would look worse to potential investors, a town that gathered together to fight off criminals, or a town where the bad guys killed the only lawman, leaving it unsafe for investments? They should have just helped him out instead of acting like a bunch of morons.

To make them look even dumber, people are actually excited about Miller coming to town. Everyone in the saloon is super pumped that this outlaw and his gang are going to be back soon. Except the problem is, Miller is going to utterly wreck the town. Someone even says that when Miller was around, a “decent woman couldn’t walk down the street.” So, it seems that these people want to be terrorized, doesn’t it?

Guy from Airplane, Elvira, Grandpa, and Annoying Bitch, the cast of a Western classic.

There is a lady in town named Helen Ramirez (played by Katy Jurado) who owns the saloon. She’s banging the deputy, but before that she was banging Kane, and before that she was banging Miller. She really gets around. The only purpose she serves is to impart wisdom onto Kane’s wife that she should assist him. Kane’s wife replies that guns and fighting are evil, and “there has to be a better way for people to live.” Thanks for the preachy speech, lady. That’s just what people watching a Western want to hear, a lesson about how shooting people is wrong. That scene in particular was oustanding as Jurado and Kelly trade lines with the worst acting I’ve seen in a long time. It was like they were having a contest to see who could better portray a piece of driftwood.

My favorite part of the film was the scene where Bridges and Cooper fight. It’s hilarious to watch the old man beat the crap out of his much younger deputy. There’s no way in hell Cooper would actually take out anyone in a fight at his age. He’d crap in his Depends before he’d land a punch. At least that scene was good for a few laughs. By the time the climax comes around, Kane, assisted by his wife, manages to kill the bad guys with only a few minor injuries. The townspeople rush out to meet him, he throws his badge onto the ground in disgust, and he and his wife ride off on their wagon.

I can see where the Red Scare allegory comes in. Miller is a stand-in for McCarthyism, and Kane is a guy who has become blacklisted. He searches high and low for assistance, but nobody is willing to help him. Obviously, the film doesn’t work if everybody rushes out to support him. It’s supposed to show the psychological torment Kane is going through, knowing his death is impending. Unfortunately, the execution was horrible. Nobody acted intelligently, there is very little suspense, it’s boring, and the acting sucked. Gary Cooper did a good job, but everyone else was terrible.

Rio Bravo

What are they all looking at? Is it a UFO? IS THIS MOVIE THE PREQUEL TO COWBOYS AND ALIENS?!

Rio Bravo, will be forever linked to High Noon because it was a direct statement against that film, and also because both movies are insufferably shitty. At least with High Noon they were going in a different direction for a Western. It had a darker edge and a more realistic bend to it. Rio Bravo is just business-as-usual hokey Hollywood bullshit. It has no imagination, no uniqueness, no excitement, and nothing in it is worth watching.

At first, I thought it was going to be cool. The opening scene takes place in a bar and there is a rumble, and most surprising of all, there was no dialog. Unique and interesting, right? But after that, it’s all down hill. I swear to god, after the first 5 minutes of the movie elapsed, I fell asleep. As soon as the interesting shit was over, Rio Bravo is so fucking boring, it instantaneously put me to sleep. After I woke up forty minutes later, I skipped back to the point where I had fallen asleep and gave it another try. Guess what? I fell asleep again! Two minutes later! They should market this movie as a miracle cure for insomnia or something. When I woke up again, about forty minutes later, I said, “Fuck it” and just kept watching from that point on. If anything really awesome happened between minutes 5 and 40, I missed it. But something tells me the only things I missed were jack and shit.

The movie is incredibly fucking boring because of how lethargically everyone acts. When people recite their lines, they do it as calmly and flatly as possible. There is no passion, no tension, no feeling in any of the lines. It’s like they weren’t even acting. They were saying the lines like they had taken five Xanax just before filming. The whole movie is like this, too. It has this dawdling pace with no sense of urgency, no need to move things along. It’s like the movie’s normal speed is set to slow-motion. Considering the fact that the goddamn plot is about a town under seige by bandits, you’d think at least one fucking person would be nervous or angry or something. SHOW SOME FUCKING EMOTIONS PEOPLE, WHAT ARE YOU A BUNCH OF GODDAMN ROBOTS?! Maybe they were trying to set the groundwork for that sci-fi movie WestWorld where all the cowboys were actually robots or something, I don’t know.

OK, everybody, don’t all act excited at the same time.

Despite the atrocious acting from the majority of the cast (seriously, Keanu Reeves looks like Daniel Day-Lewis compared to these fuckos), one person tries to do some acting. That would be Dean Martin playing the role of Town Drunk. Oh, but guess what, he’s also the town’s Deputy. Nothing says security like black-outs and withdrawal seizures. He goes around, withdrawing and shaking, and asking everybody, “What can a man do with hands like this?” and he holds his palms up like he wants to grab someone’s balls. It’s a pretty hilarious attempt at acting, and the fact he does it over and over becomes an unintentional running gag.

It’s also funny because Dean Martin must have been playing himself in that role. It’s also nice that John Wayne (the Sheriff character) feeds Town Drunk’s alcohol habit by giving him beers even though he knows he’s trying to get sober. He also doesn’t seem to care when Town Drunk slaps him and hits him over the head with a stick for no discernible reason. Clearly, Wayne’s character is totally complacent, and has no idea how to keep law and order in his town. If he did, then his Deputy wouldn’t be constantly assaulting him.

Also playing himself is Ricky Nelson, the son of the famous Ozzie and Harriet Nelson. He grew up in a Hollywood family, spending his whole life in the spotlight, working on a music career, and you know he probably would have ended up like Michael Jackson if not for dying in a plane crash in 1985. So, Nelson plays a young cowboy who is quick on the draw but not battle tested. And, oh good, he fucking sings, too. After casting him, I imagine the producers must have said, “LOL HEY GUYS LETS SHOEHORN IN SOME CHEESY SINGING BECAUSE THE STAR IS A SINGER AND MAYBE WE CAN GET SOME OF HIS GROUPIES TO COME SEE THIS MOVIE LOL!” Naturally, he has a fucking duet with Dean Martin. They sing, whistle, and play guitar in one of the worst, most romanticized bullshit cowboy-type of songs you could only find in the 1950s (The same kind of thing they parodied in Three Amigos). Afterwards, they do ANOTHER FUCKING SONG, and this time the other Deputy, Stumpy, joins in with his harmonica.

Who the fuck would buy this? And who the fuck approved that picture of Dean Martin’s face?

Stumpy is a moronic caricature. His voice sounds exactly like the cliche of an old-timey prospector. That type of character was already a tired cliche in 1959, and they continued to use it because this whole goddamn movie is a tribute to stupid fucking cliches. The highlight of his character is in the big shootout in the finale when he throws sticks of dynamite and asks, “How do you like them apples?” Sigh.

The shootout takes place between John Wayne, Ricky Nelson, Town Drunk, and Stumpy vs. the Bad Guys, who happen to include a guy who looks fucking exactly like M. Night Shyamalan. So, the Good Guys fight the Bad Guys in a scene that runs 6 minutes. All the Good Guys shoot in roughly the same position, and the Bad Guys return fire while running out in the open like a bunch of fucktards. Eventually, they kill all the Bad Guys in the least exciting gunfight I’ve ever seen in a Western. And just like all the other cheesy, shitty, romanticized Westerns this movie is paying tribute to, none of the Good Guys get a scratch on them.

The final scene in the movie is this ultra-bizarre conversation where John Wayne meets The Love Interest in her bedroom. She’s all dressed up like a whore, and Wayne doesn’t tell her to change into something more appropriate. This upsets her because she’s really fucked up in the head. So, Wayne, obviously wanting to get laid, tells her what she wants to hear: namely, she shouldn’t wear something so revealing. She tells him that she now knows he really loves her and they can have sex. Um? Personality disorder much? Jesus Christ, what a weird bitch.

Watch out, John Wayne, it’s a trap!

My favorite part of the whole movie actually comes from the theatrical trailer. They replay the singing scene again, (OH GOD WHY) and immediately afterwards Ricky Nelson turns to the camera and says that this is “one of the few peaceful scenes” in the movie. That’s a fucking hilarious joke because the whole movie is nothing but peaceful scenes. There are only 6 minutes of action, and it’s incredibly boring action, too. Those 6 minutes did not make up for the other 2 hours and 14 minutes of boring, hokey, stupid, lazy bullshit. Rio Bravo is terrible, and stands as an example of what you should not do if you want to make a good movie.

With these two shitty Westerns forever linked, which one is worse? Let’s find out.

The Battle

Boringness - High Noon clocks in at an hour shorter than Rio Bravo, so I didn’t want to kill myself out of boredom quite as much. Loser: Rio Bravo

Stupidity - Every single character in High Noon acts like a complete imbecile. The people in Rio Bravo weren’t much smarter, but at least they had some semblance of intelligence. Loser: High Noon

Acting - The acting is fucking horrendous in both. It is downright irritating in High Noon, and so bad it’s hilarious in Rio Bravo. So, it’s kind of a wash. Loser: a tie

Cliche Shit - From the dialog to the premise to the reliance on stock character tropes, Rio Bravo overtakes High Noon by a landslide. Loser: Rio Bravo

Creepily Mismatched Love Interests - We have 90-year old Gary Cooper in love with just-passed puberty Grace Kelly in High Noon. And then we have Rio Bravo, with somber John Wayne and a crazy-as-Hell, needy, showgirl/bar owner. Both are pretty weird pairings, but only one gave me the creeps. Loser: High Noon

Writing - High Noon is a darker film and more grounded in reality. The topic certainly is one that hadn’t been explored previously. Rio Bravo is as far opposite from original as you can get. All it does it pay homage to the hokiest, cheesiest Westerns of a forgettable era. Loser: Rio Bravo

Terrible Songs - The theme song for High Noon is terrible, and the fact you hear it on a non-stop loop for 90 minutes made me want to kill myself. The two back-to-back songs in Rio Bravo are equally shitty, but at least it’s only a brief interlude. Loser: High Noon

Directing - Each movie is directed in very different styles, however, they are similar in one respect: both suck. With High Noon it’s the fact that they think showing 10,000 clocks will somehow make the audience nervous, even though the characters aren’t too concerned. With Rio Bravo, the plodding pace and lethargy of the characters make it a struggle to even stay awake to watch this damn movie. Loser: a tie

How Much it Pissed Me Off - They both pissed me off a lot. If one of them were going to be used as a form of torture, it would have to be Rio Bravo. It pissed me off with way more stupid, lazy, cheesy shit than High Noon. Loser: Rio Bravo

Final Score - High Noon: 3; Rio Bravo: 4

Winner/Loser of the Battle of the Most Boring Western: Rio Bravo

Verdicts:

High Noon – Shitty

Rio Bravo – Shitty

Which is Worse? – Rio Bravo

The so-called “peaceful scene.” So peaceful, in fact, Dean Martin fell asleep performing it.

Check out these other entries in the Classically Shitty series:

Serpico

Raging Bull

Blazing Saddles

Citizen Kane

Breakfast at Tiffany’s

The Hustler

2001: A Space Odyssey

Ouran’s pimps.

Ouran High School Host Pimp Club is a 2006 “reverse harem” anime. What’s a reverse harem, you ask? Well, a “harem” anime is where one meek, bashful, skinny male loser is surrounded by a boatload of busty, horny women who are all vying for control of the guy’s penis. A constant source of rage is the fact that the guy never gets with any of the girls, usually because he’s a fag.

A reverse harem anime is just the opposite. One female character is surrounded by a bunch of dudes who all want her. Upping the ante is that these anime often feature a lot of man-on-man action in order to appeal to the female viewers watching the show. Apparently, all women are into watching gay sex.

The main character of this anime is Haruhi Fujioka, a 15 year old girl who has just entered Ouran Academy. It’s a school for super rich kids who are completely sheltered and spend most of their days doing rich people stuff like: travelling the world, buying expensive shit, getting no legal reprimand from DUIs, exploiting tax loopholes, yachting, opening up child-labor factories in third world countries, and repressing the poor in order to get rich. But I digress…

Anyway, Haruhi happens to be middle-class but she got into the exclusive private school on an academic scholarship. Her first day there, she stumbles into the Host Pimp Club’s club room, and accidentally breaks a very expensive vase. Since she doesn’t have any money, she can’t pay for it, so she has to work it off. How does she do that, you ask? Sexual favors. She does all the guys six ways from Sunday. Doggy style, reverse cowgirl, double penetration, even Cleveland Steamers and Donkey Punches. It’s pretty fucking hot.

Instant coffee? What a novelty. (Rich people are stupid.)

Anyway, Haruhi isn’t exactly into taking care of herself. She looks so unkempt that initially everyone thinks she’s a dude. Eventually, the club members find out she’s a girl, and then do the next most rational thing: Dress her in drag and pimp her out to all the ladies of the school.

You see, the Host Pimp Club exists solely to pimp its members out to the young girls of Ouran Academy. After school, the ladies get together and spend their hard-earned trust-fund money on the boys of the Host Pimp Club. They select the guy they want to be with, designate the amount of time, and pay accordingly. That’s exactly how prostitution works. Naturally, the school is totally fine with this as an extracurricular activity. Basically, in Japan, underage male prostitution is perfectly fine.

So, Haruhi gets dressed in drag and pimped out to all the ladies, and each dollar she earns goes into the “replace the broken vase fund.” That’s the set up, pretty much everything that happens in the first episode. The remaining 25 episodes focus on the ensuing hijinx associated with being an underage male prostitute. And believe me, there are a lot. Everything from HIV, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, clients not paying, clients needing to pay extra for anal, the cost of buying condoms in bulk, etc. It’s riveting television.

The fact that this is a reverse harem anime, with fairly light plot, and lots of slice-of-life elements is a set-up for disaster. However, unlike tedious drivel like Kanon, or featuring no jokes like Lucky Star, Ouran High School Host Pimp Club is not tedious and is really funny.

Each character is meant to be a parody of the typical shit we see in harem/reverse harem series. All of those have one character that embodies a “desirable” (at least in pervo Japanese culture) trait. For example, the strong silent type, the shy type, the cool type, etc. This anime runs with that notion, but goes to far more ridiculous lengths for comedic purposes. Haruhi is the feminine male type, and this implies that all the girls who are into her (thinking she’s a dude) are secretly lesbian. I have said for years that ALL women are a little bit lesbian. This proves it definitively. Otherwise, we have the adorable cutesy type (a kid who looks like he’s 6 years old, but in reality he’s a hardened and nigh-invincible kung fu master), the cool type who is so laid back that he hardly ever speaks, and more.

Ouran High School Pimp Club cross-dressing cosplay. Is there any other kind?

The show has feminine character designs and pastel coloring to lower your defenses into thinking it’s a run-of-the-mill girly anime. But beneath that sweet candy coating is a twisted and perverted sense of humor. There are a pair of male twins in the club who get the ladies all hot and bothered by pretending to be gay. Another character (Tamaki) makes jokes about which one is the “pitcher” and which one is the “catcher.” Until watching this show, I hadn’t seen any other anime making jokes about gay anal incest.

The show routinely breaks the fourth wall as it mentions itself as being an anime, and characters will sometimes refer back to “the last episode.” Tamaki falls in love with Haruhi, and becomes jealous when other characters make advances upon her. He gets riled up and screams at them to stay back, as he and Haruhi are the “romantic leads” and they are “the homosexual supporting cast.”

There’s a little girl who enters the club one day, is exuberant over finding a reverse harem and cheers on their debauchery. There’s also a weird girl who randomly pop up from underground to tell them how to act in order to better pimp themselves out to the ladies. Haruhi’s father turns out to be a cross-dresser as well (I guess that’s two generations of cross-dressing in the family – that’s some psychological shit right there – damn this show is deep), and provides several laughs the few times he is featured.

There is a healthy dose of slapstick, some word-play (but not a lot because that can be irritating as fuck when done wrong), and further parodying of the entire romantic genre. For example, Haruhi is taken to an all-girl’s academy one day, and the boys of the Host Pimp Club flip out. They go on an overly-elaborate and super-melodramatic quest to prevent her first kiss from being a lesbian one. Apparently, even girls who know Haruhi is a girl still want her. I hope she’s bisexual, because she’s in for a lot of fun once she hits college.

Funimation blu-ray cover.

The artistry is really excellent. It comes from Studio Bones who have a laundry list of top-notch series they’ve worked on. There’s some recycled animation, but not very much. For the most part things are animated well, rather fluidly, and there aren’t a lot of corners cut. It looks nice. The acting is very good. I watched in both Japanese and English. Either route is fine, although the original Japanese cast probably has the edge. In the audio department, there are a couple of catchy tunes, but for the most part the music is recycled heavily, and isn’t all that great.

I watched this on blu-ray, from Funimation. It’s an upscale, so at times the image can appear soft or have a weird haze to it. But for the most part it looks great. 80% of every episode will looks crisp, vibrant, and with a good amount of detail. If you are looking to pick this up, I’d go with the blu-ray over the standard DVD.

Ouran High School Host Pimp Club is a show I wasn’t expecting to like. I hate most things, and a show that looks this cheesy and girly seemed doomed from the beginning. However, subverting genre tropes, having strong comedic writing, and focusing on the trials and tribulations of being a teenage male prostitute really turned things around. My expectations were far surpassed. This anime is worth checking out.

Verdict: Good

I saw the Devil’s pants.

I Saw the Devil is a movie that has a good premise, good acting, good directing, and good production values. Despite having so many good things going for it, it’s a piece of crap thanks to having a boneheaded script. No matter how wonderful everything in your movie may be, if your script sucks ass, your movie will suck ass.

The film takes place in South Korea, and the premise is that a serial killer’s latest victim was a young woman who happened to be the fiancée of a spy. The spy uses his training and advanced technology to hunt the killer. But he doesn’t just hunt him down and murder him. No, his revenge is to psychologically torment the killer, making his life a living Hell. Like I said, great premise. Sadly, the characters act like stupid dipshits, ruining the movie.

In movie-world, every serial killer is a maniac who is completely unable to control his impulses to kill everyone in sight. In reality, serial killers may kill once every few months or few years. They aren’t going on killing sprees that will just get them caught. The killer in this movie is a caricature of a serial killer. He kills everybody he sees. After his first encounter with the spy, he is released. Naturally, the next thing he does is stab two guys to death in a taxi, causing it to crash and nearly killing himself in the process. Afterward, he goes to a clinic, threatens a doctor, and tries to rape (and presumably kill) a nurse. The spy barely shows up in time to prevent this. You would think the killer would try to lay low, especially after he escaped death and murdered several people. But no, he doesn’t, because whoever wrote this script doesn’t have any common fucking sense.

Hmm, what other stupid things can I do to ensure I get arrested?

Next, the killer hides with his friends, who happen to be cannibals (are you fucking kidding me?). They have invaded someone’s home and are killing/eating them. The spy shows up to torment them, and it ends with him bringing the killer into custody. Of course, he isn’t satisfied, so he lets the killer go. Apparently, the South Korean authorities are totally fine with him releasing a serial killer back into the world. Way to go, guys! Also, the cannibals are left in a hospital room, handcuffed to their beds, but completely unattended and unguarded. I had no idea South Korean security was so airtight.

Free once more, the killer does what any rational person would do: run away and hide forever try to get revenge on the spy by killing his loved ones. The killer knows what town the dead fiancée was from, and since he’s Sherlock Fucking Holmes, he knows her parents’ exact address. He goes to their house, and bludgeons the entire family to death. Oh, but it also turns out her father was Chief of Police or some shit. Of course, the Police are super mad that the spy let all this happen. Apparently, the spies and the police work together all the time (derp). It’s also impossible to tell who is a spy and who is a cop, and it just leads to a ton of confusion.

Finally, the killer attempts to turn himself in to the cops, to prevent the spy from ultimately getting revenge. The spy manages to get to him first, and takes him to a place where he can torture him before killing him. The killer remains defiant until the end, and when he finally kicks the bucket, the spy is left crying his eyes out. The end.

Waaaaah! Boo fucking hoo.

So, nobody acts like a rational fucking person in this. The spy lets the killer go time and time again, and each time he does, the killer kills more people. And the killer, since he is nothing more than a movie stereotype, doesn’t do anything interesting. He just kills people because that’s what serial killers do. Apparently, they aren’t capable of long-term planning, and are victims to their baser instincts.

I see the message the movie was trying to convey: there is a blurry line between good and evil. The “good” spy is barely one step above the “evil” killer. At times, he may be worse. Even though this is an interesting concept, this is not a particularly insightful movie. No, it’s a torture porn movie. It spends far less time focusing on deep character analysis and philosophical introspection, and far more time on blood and guts.

“But he’s already dead. Why should I beat on him some more? It would be bloodier? OK, you’re the director.”

Decapitations? Check. Bodies cut into tiny pieces? Check. Humans eating human flesh? Check. Dogs eating human flesh? Check. Close up of someone’s Achilles Tendon getting slashed? Check. Close up of someone’s jaw getting ripped off? Check. A million fucking scenes of someone getting their head bashed in with a melee weapon and blood squirting everywhere? Check check check check. Whoever made this movie had a major hard-on for blood squirting out of people’s heads after getting bludgeoned.

I Saw the Devil wants to be an artistic and introspective movie. But it can’t be, because none of the characters act realistically, and it spends way too much time fetishizing gore. It doesn’t matter how much you dress up a torture porn movie as something artistic, it’s still torture porn. It’s a shame, too, because everything else about the movie makes you think it will be good. Naturally, this movie has 5-stars on Netflix user reviews, further cementing the fact that people love shitty movies.

Verdict: Bad

She has a great life.

Young Adult tells the story of an emotionally stunted 37-year-old woman who returns to her hometown in order to win back the love of her life. Unfortunately, there are several problems. First, she is stuck in the past while everyone else has moved on. Second, she’s a narcissistic bitch that everybody hates. And third, the man of her dreams is already married and is not the slightest bit interested in her.

Charlize Theron plays the ghost-writer of a popular book series aimed at high-schoolers. The series has reached its end, and she is bumbling through life with no idea what to do next. She winds up back in her small hometown. She meets a few people she used to know, but we quickly learn she has no friends. She has no friends because she was a total bitch in high school. Her bitchiness has remained the same. Her development has arrested at the young adult period of her life. Theron’s character is also a raging alcoholic, either drunk or hung over in every scene of the film. She is completely delusional in her belief that she can win her old flame back.

Theron shares a significant amount of screen time with Patton Oswalt, who plays a guy who was nearly beaten to death as a teenager. Despite resistance on both ends, the two of them reconnect in a way. He’s funny and charming, and provides a nice balance to Theron’s completely self-centered character. Fortunately, they don’t reconnect in the usual, cliche Hollywood fashion.

The best part of this movie is its realism. It shows that people who were cool in high school usually grow up to be losers. Those people live in a fantasy world, thinking they are still the shit, while everyone else has learned otherwise. In the end, Theron’s character shows little to no growth. Young Adult is an interesting character study. Not much really happens, but it is completely mesmerizing to watch. It has drama, laughs, and a few uncomfortable scenes, too. Even though it was written by Diablo Cody, this movie stands miles above her usual dreck. You should check it out.

Verdict: Good

Gangster Squad

“Myeah, see, I want the Gangster Squad rubbed out, myeah, see.”

This movie begins with the words: “Inspired by a True Story.”

Gee, I wonder which parts of the story were true? I’d bet they were:

• Two cars ripping a bad guy in half.
• Josh Brolin using a moving elevator to sever a guy’s hand.
• Throwing grenades back and forth between two moving cars.
• Sean Penn saying “You know the drill” and then killing a guy with a drill.
• Babygoose talking in a weird, high-pitched voice.
• Faking out the audience to think Josh Brolin’s family is dead, but SURPRISE they are fine. DERP!
• The squad trying to take down Sean Penn’s operation but doing so without any kind of plan.
• The squad (remember, this is the 1940s) being racially diverse.
• Babygoose going after jail bait Emma Stone.
• Babygoose dumping acid on a bad guy’s crotch.
• Josh Brolin throwing away his gun so he can fight Sean Penn hand-to-hand.
• Sean Penn pretending to know how to fight.
• Nick Nolte croaking his lines like a bullfrog.

Gangster Squad has to be the most accurate movie “inspired by a true story” of all time. Man, oh man, I love movies that are based on true stories. Usually, only one aspect of the movie is true and everything else is made up. Fortunately, I can say without hesitation that Gangster Squad doesn’t have this problem. There is no doubt in my mind that this movie is 100% historically accurate. I would like to use this opportunity to thank The Gangster Squad for cleaning up L.A. for good. Thanks to their efforts, it is a clean, prosperous metropolis without gangs, drugs, or crime of any kind.

Verdict: Shitty

“Wilbur, nooo!”

I love a good scandal.

There are all kinds of scandals. Sex scandals, financial scandals, government scandals, and that guy who hates gays but turns out to be gay himself scandals. The crazier the better. And right now, Europe is in the throes of one of the craziest scandals of all time. A horse meat scandal.

Delicious.

It all started in January 2013 when horse meat was found mixed in with frozen beef in the UK and Ireland. Genetic testing revealed as much as 29% of the sold meat was from horses. ABP Food Group’s subsidiaries were found to be culpable in the UK and Ireland. February, in France, a company called Spanghero was caught intentionally selling horse meat labelled as beef. Apparently, they bought the meat from Romania, where it had been labeled correctly, and then changed the label to beef. This seemed like a good idea at the time, because people could unwitting get all the health benefits of horse meat Big Macs.

Also in February, Europe-wide frozen food company Findus started testing its meat and found that 60-100% of its meat was from horses. 60 to 100%? Seriously, you guys? All of your “beef” was actually horse and nobody could tell the fucking difference? Its supplier was Comigel, another French company. Comigel stated that its supplier was Spanghero. Oh, man, Spanghero, you are totally fucked now. A devious plan to save a few Euros will now likely end up shutting you down completely. I’m sure if Europe is anything like the U.S., the geniuses who came up with this idea will be given huge paycheck bonuses.

But wait, there’s more! Do you like Swedish meatballs? How about cheap furniture? Is your ideal date wandering around the maze of Ikea and then sitting down in their cafeteria to eat Swedish meatballs? Well, it turns out they were serving horse meatballs all along! This shit is turning out to be an epidemic! Nestle, Birds Eye, Sodexo, and Latvian company Kursu Zeme were all selling some degree of horse meat mixed in with their beef. Oh, but guess what? It keeps on coming! Now it looks like UK Burger King and Taco Bell are selling horse meat, too! Nothing says fiesta like eating a dead horse! (Although, for Taco Bell, horse meat may be an improvement from the rat meat they have traditionally used.)

He doesn’t have any formal training.

Everyone is up in arms about this horse meat scandal. After all, who eats horse anyway? Well, as it turns out, a shitload of people. Pretty much everyone in Asia: including China, Japan, Indonesia, and Korea. And pretty much everyone in Europe, too. Most notably, France, Belgium, Iceland, Italy, and Norway. Oh hey, look who else loves horse meat: Canadians! Well, at least people from Quebec. I suppose being settled by the French has something to do with that. And you know what? Eating horse meat recently became legal again in the U.S., although culturally it isn’t very popular.

What’s the big deal, anyway? It’s not unhealthy. Dietarily speaking, it’s on par with beef. Hell, it must look and taste like beef, since it had most of Europe fooled for who knows how long. The French apparently love eating horse, since they were packing up Findus’ beef products with 100% horse meat. Spanghero was just trying to show the world how delicious horses are. I’d bet they were waiting until the right moment to reveal they were force-feeding everyone horse meat in an attempt to make it the top cuisine in the world.

So why is it the British, Irish, and Americans don’t like it? There is one simple explanation: horses are cute.

Yes, we snobby Westerners refuse to eat any animal that looks cute. Dogs? Forget about it. Cats? No way? Horses? Nope. Monkeys? Not a chance. Whales? You’re crazy. Other humans? Well, they sound tasty, but good luck finding that on the menu at McDonald’s. (Maybe Jack in the Box serves it.)

Delicious.

Pretty much anything that is considered cute (cat, whale) or a companion animal (horse, dog) is off-limits. We spend so much time admiring these species that we anthropomorphize them and think they are just like humans. And since we don’t eat humans, we don’t eat things we associate with humans.

A few years ago I visited Japan. At a sushi restaurant I learned they served whale. I wondered if I should try it. Where else in the world could I eat whale? When was I ever going to have another opportunity? Besides, the whale was already dead and ready to be served. It would be wasteful to not eat it. So, I went ahead and ordered. And you know what? It was fucking delicious! It was so damn good I ordered seconds. It got me thinking, “Maybe cute animals taste even better than normal-looking animals? Maybe the cuteness sweetens the meat? Maybe the taboo of eating them makes them all the more delectable?”

I answered “yes” to all of those questions. So now, I am on a quest to eat the cutest animals I can find. The following is a list of cute animals I intended to eat someday:

Gotta catch ‘em all!

I’m sure there are many more cute, delicious animals waiting to be eaten. I haven’t eaten horse yet, but I can’t wait. I’m sure it tastes horsalicious.

Peoples of Interests

J.J. Abrams is the king of producing entertaining pilot episodes. From the incredibly awesome like Fringe to the good but flawed Alias to the hilariously terrible like Lost, he knows how to put together a first episode. Abrams, however, as a hands-off producer, isn’t the driving force behind this series. That title belongs to Jonathan Nolan, brother of famous film director Christopher Nolan. Jonathan is no slouch in the writing department. He wrote a short story which became the film Memento, and he was co-writer on The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises. Of course, when I started Person of Interest, I didn’t know any of this, I just started it, expecting another shitty, by the numbers cop procedural.

Surprisingly, this series offers much more than that. Let’s start with the bad stuff. Yes, the show has a case-of-the-week format. Yes, there are a lot of filler episodes. And yes, it airs on network TV which is usually not a good thing. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s talk about the good stuff.

First, the premise is great. A computer genius named Harold Finch (played by Michael Emerson) created “The Machine” for the U.S. government in the paranoia following 9/11. The Machine is an omnipresent monitoring device the government uses to eavesdrop on everyone via security cameras, email, telephones, GPS, etc. If it finds what it perceives to be a terrorist threat, it passes that information to the government. If some piece of information is considered irrelevant, it ignores it. Finch realized that the irrelevant stuff often led to crimes and/or murders that he had no way of stopping. He eventually teams up with a disavowed CIA agent named John Reese (played by Jim Caviezel) and the two of them try to stop the “irrelevant” crimes.

“Let’s go save some people we are interested in.”

Second, the show kicks ass. Solving crimes doesn’t involve a bunch of CSI-style bullshit lab work. No, it typically features Reese following bad guys and then confronting bad guys. In order to solve crimes, he usually commits way more crimes including armed robbery, arson, kidnapping, assault, and murder. Of course, he is doing all this stuff to bad guys, but it is fun to watch him deal vigilante justice and cause way more destruction and mayhem than if he had just ignored the irrelevant crime in the first place. Anytime Reese throws down with someone, the show is plenty exciting.

Third, the writing is great. Despite having a case-of-the-week format, there are several story threads that run continuously throughout the episodes. Every character has a compelling back story, which is teased to the audience through flashbacks throughout the season. By the end of the season you know more about Reese, Finch, The Machine, and the two main antagonists, but you certainly don’t know everything. There are plenty of mysteries left to be unraveled. The show can also be surprising, as when Reese and Finch set out to stop a crime, they don’t know if the person The Machine has given them is going to be the perpetrator or the victim. A couple of times, the person they are protecting turns out to be the bad guy. It keeps the show more fresh and varied, and offers up a good deal of entertainment.

Time to shoot some interesting people.

The acting is kind of a mixed bag. Caviezel plays his character as a stoic, monotone warrior who would rather kick your ass than mince words. At first this seems to be a drawback, but as the character becomes more fleshed out, you get a sense of why he became that way, and it ultimately works in his favor. Emerson is consistently good as the nerdy and paranoid Finch, and manages to be dramatic and comedic in all the right places. Kevin Chapman, who plays a crooked cop (Fusco), is also consistently good. Even guest stars like Enrico Colantoni (Elias) can bring in pretty great performances. The major weak link in the acting is Taraji Henson (Carter), who plays a sassy cop who is hot on Reese’s trail. The material is beyond her capabilities, and she is completely unbelievable as a police detective. Any time she’s on-screen with someone else, she’s upstaged. She doesn’t have the acting chops to successfully pull off this role. I’ve never cared for her. She was annoying on Boston Legal, and she’s just as annoying here.

My biggest complaint of TV in general is that seasons are too long. With a 22 episode order, and maybe 11-12 episodes worth of ideas, the writers are stuck shoe-horning in 9 or 10 shitty episodes every year. If the networks followed cable’s example, and did 13 episode seasons, the writing of all their series would be much better. With Person of Interest, it becomes obvious which episodes are meant to move the story along and which are written as afterthoughts because they needed to fill an order for a specific number of episodes. The filler episodes are generally weak, and easily skippable. The important episodes, though, are a blast, totally engrossing, and definitely worth watching.

Sure, Person of Interest isn’t revolutionary. It’s not meant to be. But it is a step above the typical procedural dreck that plagues network TV. If you are in the mood for something a little different, with a cool premise, fun action, and good writing, then you should check this one out.

Verdict: Good

Maintaining a blog for over four years has its perks. One of the best parts is getting great spam messages in the comment inbox. While most of them are links to porn sites or incoherent gibberish, there are a few comedic gems. I have listed some of my favorites, in no particular order. Read them and meditate. To understand them is to achieve enlightenment.

• F*ckin? awesome things here. I?m very satisfied to see your article. Thanks so much and i am having a look ahead to touch you. Will you kindly drop me a e-mail?

Thanks? a lot for the compliment. I?m very satisfied to see your spam comment. Thanks so much and i am having a look ahead to… TOUCH ME?! Holy shit! I think this spambot is stalking me.

• she is about to masturbate in the bedroom in a hotel room after taking her clothes off when her girlfriend s dude buddy knocks at the door.

Woah, that sounds really fucking hot. It’s like I’m reading Penthouse Forum all of a sudden. Hey, don’t stop there. What happens next? I’ve got my tissues and lotion ready. Don’t leave me hanging!

• Had a wardrobe fitting for the next season of iCarly! Freddie’s clothes are Freddie-er than ever. And I still fit in last season’s jeans!

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS! ONE OF THE CAST MEMBERS FROM iCARLY READS MY BLOG! SQUEEEE! Ahem. But why does it have to be Freddie? Why can’t it be Carly instead? She’s legal now, right?

• The people who are doing the work are the moving force behind the Macintosh. My job is to create a space for them, to clear out the rest of the organization and keep it at bay. Steve Jobs

Yeah, yeah, Macintosh this and Macintosh that. I wish you’d stop telling everyone how great the Macintosh is, Steve. Wait a second, aren’t you dead? It looks like you uploaded your ghost to the Internet, and now you haunt me by posting barely comprehensible spam comments.

• I drink a lot

So do I.

• That’s just great. By the way I thought perchance that you would find Jason Statham workout routine cool.

Jason Statham is the man. Perchance are you the same spambot who told me I wrote the greatest Jason Statham articles for my very first Zen of Spam post? Either that, or you really are Jason Statham. First iCarly, then Steve Jobs, and now Jason Statham. Awesomely Shitty is turning into a regular hang-out for celebrities.

• Play assassin’s creed bro and then show that tiny ass of yours

I have played Assassin’s Creed, bro. Where would you like me to show off my tiny ass?

• With better technology, computer systems are like autos. These are like autos because only a few people truly appreciate how these people operate and the ways to repair these people. Laptop or computer infections are the ideal example of this particular as numerous individuals don’t grasp all of them. However fails using laptop or computer then they will need to have the herpes simplex virus. This post is going to have a look at a number of the greatest misguided beliefs there are with regards to viruses. The initial fable that the majority of men and women seem to have is actually their particular computer features eliminate this should have a virus about it. Even if this certainly could be genuine, it is not true in all cases. The explanation for this really is easy. Infections need to have a doing work personal computer to continue to distributed. When the pc doesn’t work then the infections can not spread. Another fable happens when you have a few anti-virus computer software, they are safe via viruses. This kind of is just not the truth. The reason behind this is that you have always new viruses staying manufactured if that you do not continually update your software you are going to get attacked. Make sure you keep your software up to date.

All I got out of this spam comment was that, somehow, the herpes virus is infecting computers. Thanks for the warning. I’ll be sure to ignore any fables from anti-virus software in the future.

• How much a dunce that has been sent to roam Excels a dunce that has been kept at home… Great contest follows, and much learned dust Involves the combatants; each claiming truth, And truth disclaiming both…

That’s a very beautiful poem about dunces, Poetry Spambot. Please tell me more about the dust combatants proclaiming truths. I’m quite intrigued.

• So, hire out’s talk summer redolent corn. I assuredly, what more safely a improved etiquette memo than scented corn. I technique, you got all that butter, you got it all over your hands, gets all over with your announce, all over and beyond your chin. Up to date crop corn, of obviously Florida has been supplying corn for a extensive time. But contemporarily, we start in Southern California, in the desert region of California. And when they start, that uncommonly is the bona fide city. Look at this corn right here.

How did you know I love corn so much? And how did you know about my sloppy butter technique? It does get all over my hands and beyond my chin. Wait a second. This kind of sounds like a porno. Is butter a metaphor for semen? No, no, no, that can’t be it. Someone as wholesome as Corn Spambot would never be that gross.

• Have you seen the Avengers chuyen van phong tron goi yet? Heavenly Toledo, what a huge blockbuster already, nothing but in whole weekend. So I thought it would be teasingly to talk there the “Avengers” of the produce department. There are some Avengers in the produce department.

Why no, I haven’t seen The Avengers Chuyen Van Phong Tron Goi yet. Is that the sequel? Heavenly Toledo, would you quit teasing me with the promise of finding Avengers in the produce department? Last time I went to the grocery store, I could not find a single Avenger anywhere. When I asked for help, the employees looked at me like I was a nutcase.

• From CNN.com Please email me with some hints about how you made this blog site look this good , I would be appreciative.

Well, CNN.com, your website looks like complete and utter shit compared to mine. It’s no wonder you are asking for my help. I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you how I made this blog look so good. That would be like asking Monet how he paints so well.

• The very next time I read a blog, Hopefully it won’t fail me just as much as this particular one. I mean, I know it was my choice to read, however I truly thought you would probably have something helpful to talk about. All I hear is a bunch of crying about something that you could fix if you weren’t too busy seeking attention.

Ouch! Too harsh. I think I’m going to run away and cry.

• You and Your website seem very yummy!!! I love chocolate! your blog is good! I’ll visit again  God Bless You

You see? That’s the kind of comment all of you should be leaving. Telling me I’m yummy like chocolate. Really stroke my ego, people.

• I love what you guys are up too. This type of clever work and exposure! Keep up the superb works guys I’ve you guys to my own blogroll, I suggest, you could include more variety of topics for example you can write about cialis effects and others.

Thanks for the comment, Cialis Spambot. I’m glad you enjoy the blog! I’m not sure what I can say about Cialis that you don’t already know. You take the pill, you get hard, and then you get butter all over your hands and beyond your chin.

• If Apple did not invent computers and Starbucks didnt invent coffee drinks, precisely why had they become so productive? The journey to offer the most up-to-date and more challenging products, though highly intoxicating, is often a somewhat jampacked line of business. Preferably, Apple and Starbucks built their own niche.

Fuck you, Steve Jobs’ Ghost! Get the hell away from my blog! I’m warning you! Next time you show up to peddle your hipster doofus techno-crap, I’m going to perform an exorcism!

• krummer! why not fuck off now and farm yer 2 wisker beard you asshole

blammaro! why not fuck of now and parking lot urn 7 lariot mohawk you asshole (I speak gibberish fluently.)

• I just wanted to say that so many of you “artists” and “writers” aren’t as important as you think you are!

I don’t consider myself an “artist” or a “writer”. I like to think of myself as a “troll” or “dirtbag” more than anything else. As far as trolls go, I do think I’m pretty important.

• Shorter washboard tummy husbands would be wise to keep from wearing dirt bike pants And trousers during a waist. Diminished midsection pants aren’t going to be the proper option for you. Tucking your individual top may not be a sensible alternate. Pullovers are typically inclined with regards to your characteristics. Very short really system leads certainly are over-all completely no merely because they can discuss a person’s modest waistline. Form a contrast idea doesn’t seem superb precisely as it may likely impact the very erect run. Now an important combo concerning white pair of shoes and furthermore black trouser really should not used. You can ask your new personalise to help keep a great within large directly on middle though spending capacity.

What the fuck, Fashion Spambot? Is there anything I’m allowed to wear? Since I have rock-hard washboard abs I am not allowed to wear dirt bike pants, trousers with a waist, diminished midsection pants (whatever those are), tucked in shirts, or white shoes with black trousers. The only thing that I can wear are pullovers, huh? How the fuck am I supposed to show off my rock-hard washboard abs wearing a pullover? THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF HAVING ROCK-HARD WASHBOARD ABS! SO I CAN SHOW THEM OFF!

• Twice over breast hat possibly be appropriate for you’ll if you want to put a stop to readers’ little brown eyes due to going down predominantly on the thighs. As a result young men currently think you are working out change householder’s your attention? Choose to get straps which also has a important utility belt.

Mmmmm, breast hat. Mmmmm, little brown eyes going down on thighs. Mmmmmm, utility belt? Is this from Batman?

• Do you have a spam issue on this website; I also am a blogger, and I was wanting to know your situation; we have developed some nice methods and we are looking to swap techniques with others, please shoot me an email if interested.

Why yes, I happen to have a spam issue on this website. How could you tell?

• Be indubitably extraordinarily honest: do you miss scraggy asparagus or do you want the successful cushy asparagus? Meagre or fat? You know, when it comes to us, we need, of class, to be healthy. You know, I don’t talk with regard to fat or bony, I talk hither, we desideratum to be healthy. Amiably, disillusion admit me talk fro bony clear me deliver you the “skinny” on underweight asparagus.

More produce-related spam? I am willing to bet money this is the only website in the world that gets produce-related spam. To be indubitably, extraordinarily honest, I don’t even like asparagus. Not the scraggy kind, not the cushy kind, and certainly not the fat or bony kinds.

• i’ve done all my piano grades 1-8 including theory. does that make me classically trained?

Dear Spambot, I know you think you’re clever, leaving this comment on a Classically Shitty post. But you have kind of missed the point altogether.

• 3. This may even require that you offer someone a place to sleep or a cab ride home. Utilize great tiongkok along with cups instead of disposable discs, cups, and also plastic material utensils.

Dear 3, I always try to utilize great tiongkok’s instead of plastic utensils, but it’s a lot of work to clean them. Sometimes it’s just easier to use disposable stuff. Do you have any idea how long it takes me to clean my great tiongkok? Hours! I have to clean off the whole back patio before I can even get started! Not to mention the fact I have to wait for the water to heat up. My great tiongkok hates getting washed in cold water. The last time I did that, I never heard the end of it.

• You can manually “Lift and Appearance” to verify your toast without the need of canceling the toasting cycle.

How would you recommend I do that? Should I jam a fork in the toaster?

• Hands down, Apple’s app store wins by a mile. It’s a huge selection of all sorts of apps vs a rather sad selection of a handful for Zune. Microsoft has plans, especially in the realm of games, but I’m not sure I’d want to bet on the future if this aspect is important to you. The iPod is a much better choice in that case.

GODDAMN YOU, STEVE JOBS’ GHOST! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE! I guess the exorcism didn’t work after all. Looks like it’s time to call the Ghostbusters.

• this is so good. i wish to meet you one day.

Uh oh. I think Stalker Spambot is back.

There you have it. A profound collection of spam. I hope you liked it. Consider your mind expanded. Or blown. Whichever works.

The Zen of Spam 2012

The Zen of Spam 2011

A movie so dark it can barely show us its title.

I had read a lot of great things about Dark City. Apparently, it has garnered a cult following, and film critic Roger Ebert has a raging boner for it. But that’s the thing about cult movies. Usually, they aren’t popular for a reason. Sometimes they can turn out great, like Evil Dead. However, most of the time, they suck ass. Dark City is that kind of movie.

Watching it, you can tell that at one point the script was probably good. It tries to tell a complex tale of an amnesiac who suddenly gains telekinetic powers. There are some genuine high-concept ideas as the film poses questions about the nature of personality and memory. If your memories were given to someone else, would that person become you? Would they retain their original personality? What really defines us as individuals? It’s cool stuff, for sure, but it is handled the same way you would handle dogshit: grab it in a plastic bag and throw it away as fast as possible.

Dark City is a great example of a movie that had set up all the pieces correctly, but failed in the execution of every single one of them. The once-good script must have had important parts excised in order to fit the movie into an appropriate running time, the pacing is all off, the acting is fucking atrocious, the special effects are laughable, and nobody acts how a normal person should act.

First, the pacing. The movie races through its running time from beginning to end. None of the scenes are given any time to breathe. The characters show up, say their lines, do whatever they are supposed to do, and then – BAM – smash cut to the next scene. The camera never lingers, the actors don’t have a chance to emote as they are constantly spouting dialog, and there is no build-up of atmosphere.

Kiefer got a lot of practice torturing people in his pre-24 days.

The world-building takes a back-seat to a LET’S HAVE SHIT HAPPENING RIGHT NOW ethos. If they had taken their time, introduced the audience to the world gradually, then the movie would have been far better. The music makes this worse, because the score in every scene sounds like the goddamn climax of the movie. How can it be the climax when it’s the first fucking scene? Who the fuck knows what they were thinking? Listening to this movie is fucking exhausting.

Second, the acting. Jesus fucking Christ, there is some shitty acting in this movie. It has an OK cast including Rufus Sewell, Kiefer Sutherland, William Hurt, and Jennifer Connelly. None of them are exactly what I’d call the cream of the crop in terms of acting talent, but I’ve seen all of them turn in good performances in other movies. Here, they all suck.

Sewell runs from place to place, looking scared and confused and constipated the entire time, and, like the audience, he doesn’t have a clue what the fuck is going on. And I don’t mean the character, I mean the actor. Sutherland spits out his lines in this staccato, exasperated voice that is the exact opposite of good. Clearly, the director wanted something out of him, but all I got was that he was constantly out of breath. Hurt does his usual thing of stern, monotone guy, and his lines just don’t have any weight or impact. Connelly is by far the worst offender is this cinematic turd. She goes throughout the entire movie flat-faced, without emotion, sleepily reciting her lines, and looking like she doesn’t give a single fuck about this movie. In one scene in particular, Connelly discovers a recently murdered body, she turns to run away and is caught by Hurt. Instead of screaming hysterically like a normal person, she robotically says, “What are you doing here?” Her performance rivals famous robotic performances like Scarlett Johanssen in The Avengers and January Jones in everything she’s ever been in.

Acting!

Third, the cheese factor. Yes, the special effects are super cheesy. Mostly they consist of bad CGI buildings twisting and rising out of the ground. Or shots of models of buildings that are supposed to make us think we are looking at a metropolis, but end up looking exactly like models. And then there is the telekinetic power effect, where waves of translucent energy shoot out of Sewell’s head. In the climax, Sewell and the main bad guy shoot energy beams out of their foreheads at each other. The world is crashing down around them, and they just stare at each other, not moving, not grimacing like this is taking a lot of effort, just staring while some CGI-shit works its magic. It’s like a scene straight out of Dragonball Z, except far worse. This is certainly the fault of the director for not telling his actors to fucking act like they are doing something. He preferred to have them stand there woodenly.

Fourth, nobody acts like a normal goddamn person. There is a character who is similar to Sewell’s. He was a cop who was investigating murders and went crazy. He acts like a goddamn lunatic, bouncing off the walls in every scene. Then, he meets Sewell and has a nice leisurely conversation with him. Of course, he ultimately throws himself in front of a train. But the fact is, his entire demeanor changed. His memories weren’t changed because he still knew about all the bad shit that was going on. The writer just got lazy.

ACTING!!

Hurt’s character, another cop, spends the bulk of the movie chasing Sewell, whom he believes to be a serial killer. He eventually teams up with Sewell, but why he does is never explained. Basically, he knows something is wrong with the world, he arrests Sewell, then Sewell demonstrates his telekinetic powers, and suddenly Hurt helps him to escape, kidnaps a psychiatrist, and tries to bust out of the city. Hello? Logic? Where are you? You must be on vacation.

There were a couple of things I did like about the movie. I really dug the whole 1950s style of the city and wardrobe. The production design was by far the most interesting thing going on. I also like how one of the villains is this little kid who says his lines like “We must kill him” in his high-pitched little kid voice. In one scene, Sewell is about to fall off a building, but is barely clinging on. The little kid bites his hand in the fakest looking bite I’ve ever scene, and Sewell ACTS HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF screaming like he just took a chainsaw to the nuts. The only other part I liked is when Melissa George from Alias got naked and showed off her boobs.

That really annoying couple you can’t stand, but they invite you to shit all the time.

Like I said before, the script was probably good at one point. But the gaps in character logic, such as Hurt joining Sewell, makes me think additional scenes were cut. Also, why were the aliens using corpses as vessels, and where the hell were they getting food on a giant city in space with no sunlight, water, or farmland? Those ideas may have been in the original script, but didn’t make it to the screen. Although, if they weren’t, I wouldn’t be surprised. After all, it was written by David Goyer, the same genius behind Kickboxer 2, The Crow 2, Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys, and Jumper.

The movie was shitty and hokey and most of the issues lie with hack director Alex Proyas. His resume includes such gems as The Crow, I Robot, and Knowing. When his other movies include goths, Will Smith fighting robots, and Nicolas Cage predicting the future, you know that he is the best possible director for this movie. The fact that this movie has a dedicated following proves that cult movies are popular for reasons other than the movie being any good. And since Roger Ebert loves it, well, it’s probably because he rewatched that scene with naked Melissa George a million times.

And what about the ending? Sewell is victorious and the first thing he does is BUILD A FUCKING BEACH instead of turning the spaceship around and heading back to Earth. Although, he was doing it to get in Connelly’s pants, and that certainly isn’t a bad idea.

Verdict: Shitty

Oh wow, they are all such tremendous actors.

Director Wes Anderson is the king of quirky independent movies. Just for that you would think I’d automatically hate him. I don’t because I love the movie Rushmore, which is fucking brilliant. So, I was interested to see his new film, which reunited him with actors he uses often like Bill Murray and Jason Schwartzman. I was also excited to see Edward Norton and Bruce Willis.

Moonrise Kingdom is about two kids who run away from home. Unexpectedly, 90% of the screentime is devoted to their fledgling love affair. Of course, it’s all viewed through a quirky lens. It’s romanticized to an unneccessary degree, and is made annoyingly wholesome and cute. It’s unfortunate because that drains all of the interesting bits out like a vampire. The remaining 10% focuses on the attempts of the other characters to track them down. This is where Norton, Willis, and a troop of Scouts come in.

Parts of the movie are fun, such as the early attempts to track them down, and the later attempt at avoiding capture. These are the highlights of the movie. The rest of it features more camping scenes than a Harry Potter movie. The majority of the movie’s heavy lifting comes from the two leads who were both 12 years old at the time of filming. And, wouldn’t you know it, they fucking suck at acting.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “LOL BUT BRIK TEHY ARE JUST LITTLE KIDS SO TEHY CANT BE THAT GOOD AT ACTING YET GIVE EM A BREAK LOL!” I’m sorry, but no. You’re wrong. Some kids can be good at acting. Just take a look at Chloe Grace Moretz or that little bastard from The Sixth Sense and tell me their acting is not light years better than the twats in Moonrise Kingdom. The fact that these two can’t act, and that they dominate 90% of the screentime, nearly ruins the movie. Other problems include woefully underdeveloped characters like the parts played by Willis and Murray.

I’m conflicted about this movie. On one hand I want to like it since it’s so off-kilter. On the other hand, the two leads are such horrible actors that the movie should automatically lose points for that. They don’t get a pass for being kid actors. They were both absolutely terrible. It’s like Wes Anderson intentionally sought out shitty kid actors to put in his movie. Maybe he did. Maybe that’s the point? Who knows?

Verdict: Average

Pierrot le Fou

I’m sure this still from the movie has SUPER DEEP MEANING.

If you aren’t a hardcore filmfag, chances are you’ve never heard of this movie. Consider that a blessing. Pierrot le Fuck is a 1965 French movie directed by Jean-Luc Godard. He became a famous director in this era because he liked to film shit in the weirdest way possible, and people thought he was some kind of goddamn genius for it. Pierrot le Fuck is about a couple of egotistical assholes who abandon their families, steal shit, kill some people, and run around like turd burglars for the entire movie. Everybody dies at the end, too, so — spoilers — I guess. The problem really isn’t the story so much as the directing. I couldn’t fucking stand how it was directed. It was way too cool and hip for a troglodyte for me to understand. Everything about it from the way the actors read their lines, to people staring directly at the camera, to how trendy everybody was, to just about fucking everything irritated me to no end. Godard is more pretentious cock gobbler than innovative director. Obviously, this is only a movie for the hardcore amongst us. The only good thing about it was it had some nudity. That’s it. Pierrot le Fuck can go fuck itself. That would be the trendy thing to do.

Verdict: Shitty