Hilarious? Were there jokes in this movie? I must have missed them.

Breakfast at Tiffany’s is one of those “classic” movies you are supposed to like because film-fags said so. But it’s awful. I can’t think of a single redeeming aspect of this movie. Sure, it has George Peppard of A-Team fame, but that doesn’t enhance the movie. Maybe if halfway through Mr. T burst through a brick wall, gold chains glittering, a machine gun blasting, bullets ripping Holly Golightly’s flesh into threads, the movie could have been cool. But that didn’t happen, so it’s a piece of shit.

The actual breakfast at Tiffany’s is the first scene of the movie. But it’s so vague you have no idea what the fuck is happening. Holly stands outside the store some time before it opens and eats a pastry. That’s it. That was the breakfast at Tiffany’s. Well, the breakfast outside Tiffany’s at any rate. I guess you could end the movie right there. It would be preferable to the non-stop shitfest that follows. And believe me, it is a shitfest. Breakfast at Tiffany’s is boring, has shitty dialogue, a retarded protagonist, and it’s incredibly racist, too. It really has it all. 

Breakfast eaten. Movie over.

Essentially, it’s about this countrified twat named Holly who leave her Podunk small town for the allure of the big city. Unfortunately for her, living in New York City is expensive. Way more expensive than an uneducated talentless hick with no discernible job skills can afford. So, Holly does what any other respectable girl would do: immediately turn to a life of drug smuggling and prostitution. And not the awesome kind with mountains of cocaine like in Scarface. It’s just sort of barely there, in the background, like the writers didn’t think a life of crime would make for an interesting story. So, instead of drug-fueled orgies (which is what every scene should have been), we are “treated” to dull meandering conversations, gossip about neighbors, catty jealousy, and over-the-top racism.

Yeah that’s right, racism. Micky Rooney plays a caricature of a Japanese person. He has squinty eyes, wears yellow makeup, speaks with a really bad Engrish accent, and sports a huge pair of big fake buck teeth. The character isn’t so much a stereotype as he is an outright racist statement. He is what old white Hollywood Fuckos think Japanese people are like. Yeah, all those years spent living in California, none of them probably ever even saw a Japanese person, what with them in the internment camps and all.

"Herro?! Herro?! Terephone very hard to use!"

Basically, nothing really happens in this movie. The drug-smuggling plot goes nowhere, the prostitution plot goes nowhere, Buddy Ebsen shows up for a couple of scenes just to cash a paycheck, and Holly acts like a spoiled, clueless bitch. The central “focus” of the movie (and saying it has a focus at all is being generous) is a bland, watered-down romance between two generic white people. It’s impossible to give a fuck about either of them.

I can’t say why Breakfast at Tiffany’s was a popular movie when it was released. I guess film-goers had lower standards back then. Well, not that they have good standards now, but at least today we have a lot more options. What I can tell you is why the movie remains popular to this day. There is only one reason, and here it is:

She smokes in every scene in this movie.

That’s it. That picture of Audrey Hepburn is the only reason why anyone gives a flying fuck about this movie. They like the look she has. She looks classy and mysterious and kind of fun all together. She evokes nostalgia of a time gone by for people who never lived in that time. It is so famous that it appears on all sorts of things, in all sorts of places it doesn’t belong. For example:

*facepalm*

Hepburn’s iconic image elicits a romantic view of what life in late 1950s/early 1960s New York City was like. But guess what? It wasn’t like that at all. Here’s what it really looked like:

Just an average day in NYC.

I’d bet money that 90% of the people who have that fucking Audrey Hepburn picture hanging somewhere (or own the tacky glassware) have never seen Breakfast at Tiffany’s. If they had, they’d get rid of that shit immediately. But I suppose it’s better they haven’t seen it, and go on blissfully unaware of how terrible it is. It’s better that no one actually watch this rotten turd of a movie.

Breakfast at Tiffany’s is billed as a “hilarious romantic comedy” but it isn’t romantic and there is no comedy. I can’t remember laughing once. I can’t remember there being any jokes. Unless you count the overt racism as comedic. Or maybe in the 1950s they thought prostitution and drug-smuggling was inherently funny? I don’t know. I can’t figure it out. It’s like they didn’t know what to label it as (“piece of shit” wouldn’t have brought in film-goers), so they just chose a random genre. It’s like billing Robocop as a “fantasy adventure” film.

I would totally watch this movie.

Holly Golightly is a terrible protagonist. She’s jealous and catty. She smokes like a chimney. She’s a drug-smuggling prostitute. Are we supposed to feel bad for a drug-smuggling prostitute when things don’t go her way? Give me a fucking break. The romance is stilted and ridiculous. It isn’t funny. It’s racist. Worst of all, it’s incredibly boring. Breakfast at Tiffany’s is a non-stop shitfest. This movie is a waste of time, and all copies should be burned immediately. No one should ever have another breakfast at Tiffany’s. You know what we should have instead? Breakfast at Awesomely Shitty. I’ll bring the Batter Blaster.

This rules.

Verdict: Shitty

Check out these other entries in the Classically Shitty series:

The Hustler

2001: A Space Odyssey

January 29, 2012 – Irony Update

On WordPress, after you publish a new post, a sidebar appears with a bunch of shit I could care less about. However, when I posted this review, a quote appeared that I could not ignore. It was from Truman Capote, the author of the book Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

The quote from Capote is, “That isn’t writing at all, it’s typing.” Of course, in the context here it is incredibly ambiguous. Does he mean my review of the movie is just nonsensical “typing”? Does he mean Breakfast at Tiffany’s is a piece of shit? Could it be he means the screenwriters of the movie turned his book into a steaming turd? Or WordPress might just have some algorithm that pulled a Capote quote when it saw the title of the post contained the words Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

Whatever the case may be, I think it is hilarious that Capote should bring me a message from beyond the grave as I trashed his work for all the Internet to see. Thanks for the irony bomb, Capote. It made me laugh. Maybe next time I will berate some of Shakespeare’s works and see if a zombie version of The Bard comes after me.

I'm not going to waste my time listing 50 reasons why this movie was terrible because I don't need that many to argue my case, but it sounds catchy, so just go with it.

This movie had all the elements, in theory, to be awesome. It had a decent cast, i.e. Joseph Gordon-Levitt. It had balls jokes in the trailer. Finally, it was written by Will Reiser, who had something to do with Da Ali G Show, which led me to believe it might be decent. I was prepared to be inspired by the heartwarming story of JGL overcoming cancer, while giggling at poop jokes made by Seth Rogen. I was sorely disappointed.

The overarching reason I hated this movie was that it tried to show something “true-to-life” in a way that got the details of real life completely wrong. (If you get the details wrong, it pulls me out of movieland and back to reality, where I am then free to judge mercilessly.)

Take the oncologist he sees, for example. The doctor has absolutely no people skills and won’t even look JGL in the eye when he’s talking to him. He only knows how to use extremely complex medical terminology that JGL can’t understand, and on top of all of that he brings JGL into a swanky office, with a desk between them, instead of, oh, I don’t know, an EXAM ROOM like most docs use, to diagnose him with the tumor. I know it’s popular in society to hate on doctors right now for having no empathy or compassion, because doctors are huge assholes who don’t give a shit about their patients, they go into it just to get rich and to have a personal stripper on speed dial, but come on. Think it through. What person would go through four years of medical school, incurring 6 digit debt, followed by 3-11 years of slave labor training just for the money? And explain to me how after that 3-11 years of patient contact (not counting the 2 years in medical school) a person manages to escape without any people skills whatsoever? Hollywood just pisses me off with their portrayal of the medical community in general, and 50/50 did no better than most other films out there at capturing reality.

Jumping off of that, how exactly was his therapist a doctor? She introduced herself as doctor, then proceeded to say she was working on her dissertation and was under supervision (but where the hell was the supervisor) and oh shit, her office was awfully nice for a student. I’m pretty sure (positive, because I’ve seen one) that they just cram “students” or “residents” or whatever into any small crevice available, with old piece of shit furniture and no A/C controls, and you’re lucky if you get a window. I can guarantee that your supervisor would be present with your first patient. They don’t just let you run with it on your own, if they did they’d be personally responsible if that patient hurt himself or someone else. Luckily, JGL just decided to call her up and ask her out ON HER PERSONAL CELL PHONE NUMBER THAT SHE GAVE HIM!!!!!!!!! This probably does not outrage you as much as it does me, but I am married to a psychiatrist and you Never. Give. Out. Your. Personal. Phone. Number. Not to patients. Don’t do it. Horrible idea. They WILL call you, at all hours of the night, for emergencies like “I can’t sleep unless you give me more Xanax.”

Ok, enough with the ranting on the medical stuff. Let’s move on.

I really hated JGL’s character in this movie. He was totally spineless before the tumor literally ate up his spine, so honestly I didn’t give a crap if he got over cancer or not. I couldn’t sympathize with him. He let his girlfriend walk all over him and cheat on him with a stinky hippie; his friend had to bitch out his girlfriend for him because he didn’t have the balls to do it himself (did he also have cancer there?). At the end it seemed like somehow the cancer taught him to be more assertive, but if anything cancer would beat you down even more. I don’t buy that his growing tumor also magically grew his self-confidence.

The entire idea of a comedy about cancer is flawed to begin with. It’s an oxymoron. There’s nothing you can say to make cancer funny. Was I supposed to be lol’ing when JGL’s old man friend passed away (in the span of a week, when he previously looked perfectly healthy)? Was I supposed to be LMFAO when he was getting chemo? I just don’t get how the two fit together, and from what I saw, they didn’t. One of the only funny things in the movie was when he shaved his head with the balls trimmer, but the outcome was that JGL had a buzz cut, and all I could think after that was “JGL looks really ugly with a buzz cut.” JGL isn’t exactly the sexiest man in Hollywood, but I can usually fantasize about making sweet, sweet love to him during his movies. Like in Inception, where he was exceptionally well dressed during the entire film, had witty dialogue, and oh yeah, he had hair. 50/50 really cock-blocked me on this one.

Now my head smells like your balls.

I can’t write this review without mentioning the dog his cheating girlfriend gave him, Skeletor. WHAT THE FUCK? Did you see that dog? Did they starve that dog on set just to make the name Skeletor more fitting? I get that greyhounds are lanky dogs, they are runners, blah blah blah. But you are NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE ALL OF THEIR BONES. If you can, they are too skinny. Someone should call the ASPCA or PETA or something on them. I can’t find a picture to prove my point here but I remember being completely disgusted in the theater. A little ribs showing is one thing; seeing hip bones is absolutely too thin and I distinctly remember seeing hip bones.

I really wanted to like 50/50. Comedy about inappropriate subjects is right up my alley. But while the movie had some funny moments, overall it just didn’t feel real. I could never get sucked in to the movie’s world and get lost in the story. They made too many mistakes, in my opinion, for the movie to have any real heart.

Verdict: Shitty

Prepare to see this image reused... a lot.

Whenever I think of Studio Gonzo, positive reviews do not come to mind. They have an amazing ability to take great source material, animate it, and, without fail, fuck it up. For example, Hellsing and Chrono Crusade were great series ruined by horrible endings. Of course, Gonzo also creates terrible series that are unsalvageable messes from episode one, like Gantz or Strike Witches. Once in a while they create unintentional comedy gold like they did with Speed Grapher. The lesson from all this is that Studio Gonzo is trash. They have terrible writers, shoddy animation, and use extremely outdated CGI. To date, the only Gonzo series that could even remotely be considered good are Last Exile and Welcome to the NHK. Then I watched Gankutsuou: The Count of Monte Cristo.

The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas is a sprawling, epic adventure, a tale of heartbreak and revenge. It is a novel so intricate it requires multiple readings to appreciate it to its fullest. It stars one of literature’s most complex and intriguing (anti) heroes, Edmond Dantes. I’ve read the book and seen a number of Hollywood adaptations. To me, it is one of the greatest stories ever told. And since Gonzo is known for making non-sensical shit, I figured there was no chance in hell this would be any good.

The first thing I noticed was the animation style. The technique has been copied in other series like Mononoke, but never used to the full effect as it is here. Gankutsuou did away with traditional coloring and opted to use large, flat photoshop images to fill in hair and clothing. As the characters move, the patterns remain stationary. Backgrounds are rendered in 3D CGI. The entire first episode was an amalgamation of clashing colors and moiré patterns. Upon seeing this visual nightmare, I fell to the ground, screaming in pain, my eyes gushing blood. Eventually I recovered, and tried to watch another episode. By the end of the second episode and into the third, the shock went away, and the art style became appealing. It gave Gankutsuou a unique look. It also intangibly suited the series quite well. It conveyed the clamor, irregularity, senselessness, and insanity of the events to come. It also encapsulated the frivolity and narcissism of the aristocratic characters. Having seen the entire series, I can’t imagine it looking any other way, and I can’t imagine it looking any better.

The Count, AKA: Edmond Dantes

Shitty animation is a hallmark of Gonzo. Typically, their animation starts out quite strong, and gradually is reduced to a bunch of squiggling lines by the end. In this series the animation quality does not decline. There may have been a scene here or there with some irregular character designs, but overall the quality remained consistent. The characters have a tendency to move stiffly most of the time, a hallmark of avoiding animating too much movement (a budget saver, no doubt), but this doesn’t become annoying. Things held together pretty well, and it didn’t look like Gonzo farmed the animation out to a studio in Istanbul.

Background music in the series was good. Primarily, it relied on pieces of classical music. This helped to establish setting and atmosphere. The pieces that were chosen often perfectly accompanied the sense of dread or sadness or whatever each scene was meant to convey. The ending song was a rock/techno mix, and it was pretty fucking great. The opening song, on the other hand, was a disaster. Instead of picking something good, they chose a song with no rhythm, sang by a guy who is apparently tone-deaf. Ugh. I had to skip that shit every single time.

I have the series on DVD, and have watched it in both Japanese and English. I like dubs, and anytime I find a good dub, I will try to steer people toward it. The dub here is anything but good. It features bland performances from a cast of regulars who pop up in every Pioneer/Geneon dub. Their lines were often cheesy and poorly delivered. The actor for the Count, however, was amazing. He delivered each line perfectly. He displayed wit and charm, as well as anger, sadness, regret, and true menace. Sadly, he was the only one who did a good job. Perhaps most grating was the English cast pronouncing most of the French names incorrectly. While the Japanese track isn’t perfect, it fares much better. Plus, the Japanese actor for the Count does an incredible job, as well.

Funimation Gankutsuou DVD Box Set Re-release

As far as the plot goes, Ganktsuou follows the novel somewhat closely. Some of the changes were necessary to bring the show to the screen, but other changes were just What The Fuck Were They Thinking? Some of the changes included: moving the setting from the 19th century to the distant future, telling the story from Albert’s perspective instead of the Count’s, making one of Vampa’s men a tranny, and altering the ending, which I’ll talk about in more detail in a bit.

The original novel is quite long, and would likely require 50 episodes or more to include everything. Gankutsuou is only 24 episodes in length, so a lot of stuff had to be cut out. They start the action around the middle of the novel, with the Count meeting Albert and Franz on Luna (Italy in the novel). From there the anime progresses along the same course as the novel until they diverge at the conclusion. Certain aspects of the Count’s past (his love affair with Mercedes, his friends betraying him, and his time imprisoned in the Chateau D’if) are only touched upon in brief flashbacks. All of these events occurred in the first half of the novel and, as it was my favorite part, I was disappointed not to see them in their entirety. Nevertheless, they chose to focus on the latter half of the story and what they did worked well creatively.

There was no need to make Albert and his dumbass friends the main characters of the story. Seeing as this is an anime, anyone over the ripe old age of 30 is too close to the grave to be interesting anymore, so they thought, “We have to make this naive teenage aristocrat with no personality the main character!” God forbid they make the most interesting person, the Count, the main character. The literary Count, Edmond Dantes, is a far more intriguing, multi-dimensional character, but whatever.

A related problem was that whenever the Count was not on screen, the show withered. When he appeared, it flourished. That is the risk you run when you choose to make your main characters a bunch of dumb fucking kids instead of a rich sociopath out for blood. The weaker supporting cast could often bring the pace of the show to a grinding standstill. The Count should have monopolized the screen time to keep things moving.

This is the best Gankutsuou cosplay I could find.

The duel between the Count and Franz really pissed me off. Instead of having two men battle with swords, Gonzo just had to put them in fucking mecha. Why, dammit, why? They had a great story with a realistic slant going for them, and they just couldn’t resist the temptation to throw in some amateur-level CGI. They were scared of creating their first awesome anime, so they decided to shittify it by including a crappy CGI mecha battle.

Another idiotic LOL JAPAN aspect of Gankutsuou was this character, Maximilian. In the novel, he is important and cool. In the anime he comes across as a holier-than-thou turd. He comes from a lower-class family and, in the anime, he cannot fathom the idea of an arranged marriage; he’s never heard of the concept. This asshole goes out of his way to wreck Franz’s engagement to Valentine. He displays his thoughts on the subject with badly delivered lines fueled by angsty teenage forced emotion. He acts like a spoiled brat who doesn’t get his way. This ultimately led to a duel between him and Albert which bordered on absurdity. The two characters scream, “I’ll never forgive you!” which is the most overused line in anime. The Count looks on, grinning wryly, clearly thinking, “What a bunch of fucktards.” This scene was completely unnecessary, as two Frenchmen would not shout Japanese tropes at one another. This waste of screen time could have been dedicated to showing something more interesting like the Count hate-fucking Mercedes. I guess that scene got cut, huh?

The biggest change was in the penultimate episode. This is where Gonzo decided they could write a better story than Alexandre Dumas, and changed the ending. The Count is overwhelmed by the power of the space parasite Gankutsuou and ultimately succumbs to his death. He does not get revenge on Mondego. As he dies, his entire James Bond-villain underground lair collapses like a temple in an Indiana Jones movie. This is completely inexplicable, but by this point, all rational thought had been jettisoned from the series, so it didn’t really matter. Honestly, I’m surprised Gonzo had managed to keep a rational plot together for so long until this point. The problem they made with the change is that it alters the tone and message of the original novel. Gonzo tells us, “a quest for revenge will destroy you from the inside.” In the book, the Count exacts his revenge on everyone, and destroys the lives of their friends and families in the process. While he has a newfound love with Haydee, he is filled with conflicting emotions. He got his revenge, but he does not feel better. The message here is, “vengeance will not make you happy, it only destroys peoples’ lives.” The message Dumas conveys is ultimately a more important one. Plus, after decades of suffering, you want to see the Count get his revenge, not see him fall short at the end. Gonzo’s version works well enough, but it just isn’t as great as it could have been.

The best part of Gankutsuou was the sheer amount of homo-erotic overtones. From the first episode to the last, Albert has a raging boner for the Count. They travel together in outer space, they stare longingly into one another’s eyes, they dine together, they have long conversations in the sunset, and there isn’t a scene where Albert isn’t thinking about the Count. The homolust culminates in the finale with Albert planting a big wet kiss on the Count. Surprisingly, this also destroys the space parasite Gankutsuou. Who would have thought the way to defeat it would be through male on male action?

See what I'm talking about?

Looking back through this review, it seems like I hated Gankutsuou. I really didn’t. Overall, I thought it was pretty good. It was well animated, well directed, well acted, well scripted (although Dumas should get a lot of credit there), and had a unique aesthetic. Despite some shortcomings in the story department at the end, the series held up well. It is definitely one of Gonzo’s best. However, all of its problems hold it back from earning the highest possible rating. Still, you should check it out. Afterwards, I recommend you read the far superior novel.

Verdict: Good

Conan the Barbarian is probably the greatest movie ever made. I recently rewatched it on Blu-Ray for the 11,000th time. The sheer bliss I experienced while watching all that cinematic sex and carnage led me to realize that this is probably the pinnacle of human creation. No one will ever make a piece of art more endearing, more inspiring than this film. So why is Conan the Barbarian the greatest movie ever made? Let’s take a look at some of the reasons.

1.) Sword Fighting – Whenever you include sword fighting, it ALWAYS improves the quality of your movie. Just try to think of one movie that wasn’t improved by sword fighting. You can’t. It doesn’t exist. A movie with sword fighting is going to be better than one without, every single time. Take a look at this picture from 500 Day of Summer.

JGL and Zooey: an indie match made in heaven.

It looks fine and all, but compare it to this picture from Conan the Barbarian.

Bloody swords improve everything 100 fold

The improvements are obvious. Clearly, the addition of the sword makes Conan the better film.

2.) Extreme Violence – If you are going to have sword fighting, than you better sure as hell have extreme violence. Blood is spurting across the screen from the moment you see the title screen until the minute the credits roll. Bad guys get chopped into pieces, and blood spurts out of their bodies like a garden hose. The bad guys in this movie appear to be extremely hypertensive. Conan was just trying to get their blood pressures down a little bit. He’s a thoughtful guy.

3.) Nudity – Nudity improves everything. There are so many naked chicks in this movie, I eventually lost count. Conan nails three girls within the first 30 minutes. After that the good times just keep on coming. One thing that was great about the 1980s, they knew what people really wanted. It’s a shame there isn’t more nudity in movies today. Filmmakers sure are getting prudish.

4.) Child Slavery – Conan gets sold into slavery in the beginning of the film. It’s the reason why he becomes such a strong, fearless warrior. He never would have been able to do all the fantastic things he did if he hadn’t become a slave.

You think he'd have this physique if he hadn't been a slave?

5.) Pit Fighting – Two men get thrown into a pit and fight to the death. Only one man emerges alive. That man is always Conan. I sort of wish pit fighting was a legal sport. I’d much rather watch a gladiatorial deathmatch than a bunch of pansies trying to throw a ball through a hoop, and then bitching about how they aren’t getting paid enough. OH YOUR JOB IS SO DEMANDING. YOU GET PAID MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO PLAY A GAME FOR FIVE MONTHS OF THE YEAR! BOO FUCKING HOO! At least in pit fighting you know there aren’t any nancies like in every professional sport on the planet.

Lame.

Awesome.

6.) Giant Snakes – Cool.

7.) People Who Turn into Snakes – Even cooler.

8.) Snake Arrows – James Earl Jones plays the villain in Conan. Any time you have Darth Vader in your movie, it is immediately going to be awesome. Compounding the awesomeness is Vader’s signature move, which is to turn regular snakes into poisonous arrows. Yeah, that’s right. He fires deadly snake arrows from a bow, and kills people with them. I know, I know, it blew my mind the first time I saw it, too. Goddamn, is there any part of Conan that isn’t completely awesome?

9.) Human Decapitations – See number 1 and number 2.

Head cuttin' fun.

10.) Snake Decapitations – See number 1, number 2, and number 6.

11.) Torture – After Conan is captured by Darth Vader, he gets crucified. Yep, just like Jesus. But unlike Jesus, Conan doesn’t wimp out and die. Oh, no. He manages to stay alive long enough for his buddy Subotai to free him. My favorite part of the crucifixion scene is when a buzzard gets too close and Conan snaps its neck WITH HIS TEETH. Hells yeah!

12.) Sex / Orgies – See number 3. The best part about movies from the 1980s is that sex and nudity were rampant. Most movies would have one sex scene, and maybe a couple of flashes of tits. Raunchy comedies seemed to get away with a lot of topless girls running around. Conan has about a million sex scenes. Plus, it has a huge orgy scene. Conan, his lady friend Valeria, and Subotai infiltrate Darth Vader’s palace to rescue a princess. While they do, they sneak past a big old fashioned orgy. So many naked bodies writhing atop one another. Great stuff. The only thing I don’t get is why Conan didn’t get in on the action.

13.) Thievery – Be sure to watch Conan with as many young children as possible. It teaches them good values. One of those values would be the art of thievery. You don’t just smash your way in, kill people, and steal shit. No, you have to sneak your way in and steal shit. If you have to kill a giant snake or two in order to make your escape, then fine. Also, it’s OK to steal from people who murdered your entire village.

Conan teaches family values.

14.) Cannibalism – During the aforementioned orgy scene, people are partaking in a wonderful green stew made of humans. Soylent green is people! Similar to the addition of swords, the addition of cannibalism automatically makes anything better.

15.) Making Fun of Religion – Darth Vader’s cult is full of a bunch of flower-children. From the moment they appear on screen, these hippies are ridiculed by how idiotic they look and act. Conan infiltrates one of their gatherings by stealing a priest’s robe. (Also, the priest acts really gay.) But before he can enter, he must stare into a pool of water and declare what he sees within. Conan responds, “Uhh…infinity.” Which of course sounds like a good answer to the dumbass hippie, and she lets him in. I can’t think of a movie that better skewers cults and religion for being as stupid as they are than Conan the Barbarian.

Flower power, baby!

16.) Drunken Debauchery – Everyone loves to get drunk. What better way is there to have fun AND avoid your problems? But for some reason, movies tend to only show the negative sides of alcohol. The booze hounds who have destroyed the lives of their loved ones. The rummies who have obliterated their livers and are on the verge of death. The alcoholics who lost it all and now live on the streets asking for unprotected gay sex just to get a sip of vodka. Geez. It’s like Hollywood doesn’t want us to drink at all. Here’s an example of a movie without drunken debauchery, Jane Eyre.

But it does have plenty of F. Assbender.

Boring. Now, check out some great drunken debauchery from Conan.

Drinking enhances everything, even soup.

Conan the Barbarian shows us just how awesome getting drunk can be. Conan gets wasted and punches a camel. Conan gets wasted and meets some bawdy girls. Conan gets wasted and passes out face first in his soup. Conan gets wasted and gets arrested. Somehow Conan is able to simultaneously give us a realistic view of drinking, and glamorize it all at the same time. Incredible!

17.) Revenge – Every movie needs to have revenge of some kind. Conan’s story begins when Darth Vader rolls into town and massacres his entire village. He spends his entire life seeking revenge against the Dark Lord of the Sith. It’s what drives him. Sure, there is money, love, friendship and all that crap. But Conan’s true driving force is a blood-lust for revenge. It’s what propels him to gleefully kill hordes of bad guys in all kinds of incredible ways. It also makes Conan more human, as he struggles with grief and loss. Despite all the sex, murder, and mayhem, Conan himself is presented as a truly three-dimensional character. The human element underlying the stealing, orgies, and drunkenness is what allows this to be a great film.

Conan has other stuff that makes it great, too. It has a killer soundtrack. It has excellent pacing and directing. It has a very good story. It has a treasure trove of both badass and hilarious quotes. It is a complete package that most Hollywood movies can’t even come close to matching. These are all reasons why Conan the Barbarian is probably the greatest movie ever made.

Remember what is best in life, my friends, “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.”

Verdict: Awesome

King Conan approves of this blog post.

Last year I wrote a list of the Awesomest and Shittiest Things of 2010. I thought I would do it again for 2011. Last time it was a struggle to find just 10 things for the Awesome category. It was an even greater struggle to limit the Shitty category to a mere 10 entries. So it goes. I’m writing less this year, mostly because I don’t give a fuck. I guess 2011 was extra crappy, huh? Check it out:

Awesome

1. Occupy Wall Street – I like the idea of protesting those goddamn fuckos on Wall Street. Those fucking pigs take all our fucking money and the masses get fucking shit upon. It’s been that way since the dawn of civilization. The have-nots are always going to be jealous of the haves. At least some people are letting it be known that they’re pissed off about it. The U.S. population is usually so goddamn complacent, that Wall Street’s behavior is considered OK because nobody says anything about it. I congratulate this group for protesting, and I hope they are successful. Fuck Wall Street.
2. Harry Potter Ended – And it ended well. They somehow managed to film all seven books, over a period of 10 years, and they kept the entire cast. Well, the original Dumbledore died after movie #2, but the guy they replaced him with was a million times better. I’m completely amazed that one of the kids didn’t die from a heroin overdose or leave after movie #6 to pursue “more artistic endeavors.” The Harry Potter films were cool, and they did a phenomenal job creating them. I’m glad they all turned out so great. One of Hollywood’s few non-fuckups.
3. Lego Man Appears from the Sea – In Florida, an 8-foot tall Lego man rose from the sea. He sported a green shirt that read, “NO REAL THAN YOU ARE.” The Lego corporation denied any involvement in this. But that’s not the end of the story. He washed up on a beach in England in 2008, and on a Dutch beach the year before that. Are these all the same guy, or perhaps a race of Lego Supermen with terrible grammar who are hellbent on conquering Earth? Whichever it may be, all I know is that if we are conquered, it’s going to be hard to not have a good time. Legos are super fun.
4. Arab Spring - A wave of revolutions, both peaceful and violent, across the Middle East has toppled dictatorial regimes. It’s excellent that after decades of suppression, the people can rise up and take control of their countries. Better to have a free country than one that is ruled by fear. Right, U.S. Republican Party? Hello? Anybody there?
5. Several End of the World Predictions Fail – American Christian radio-show host and lunatic Harold Camping predicted several times that the world would end in 2011. He prophesied that Judgment Day would occur on May 21 and The Rapture on October 21. Neither of which happened. He changed the dates to later in the year, and again they didn’t happen. He’s not exactly an expert on this kind of stuff because he predicted the exact same shit in 1994 and that didn’t happen either. I guess you could argue that the film debut of Chris Tucker in House Party 3 in 1994 was the apocalypse, but most people aren’t going to agree with you. (I would, though.) Anyway, now that it’s 2012, get ready for a boatload more failed End of the World predictions!
6. Cobra Goes Missing from the Bronx Zoo – In New York City, an Egyptian Cobra escaped from the Reptile House. Everyone promptly went apeshit, afraid of the imminent reptilian uprising. Snakes on a Plane no longer seemed like a far-fetched disaster movie. This was the real deal, man! Eventually, they found the snake, still in the zoo. All that worrying was for nothing. I hope that snake enjoyed his day off. Those zoo animals work really hard.
7. Charlie Sheen’s Meltdown – He’s got Tiger Blood in his veins. He’s not bipolar, he’s bi-winning. He’s an F-18. The only drug he’s high on is himself, which will melt your face off and your children will weep over your exploded body. Charlie’s my kind of guy. With quotes like that (and a million others just as good), how could he not be one of the awesomest things this year?
8. Colbert Super PAC – “Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow.” Once again, Stephen Colbert proved that the U.S. government is completely out of touch with reality. A PAC (Political Action Committee) is a private group organized to elect officials or to influence public policy. Super PACs can raise unlimited sums of money from corporations, individuals, unions, etc. Members of the media are not allowed to participate, as their influence is too far reaching. Well, Colbert, who is a member of the media, successfully lobbied the FEC (Federal Election Commission) to allow him to form a Super PAC. He appealed to them in character, in the most smug, satirical manner possible. He stated he wanted to have a Super PAC so he could raise money for political ads and “normal administrative expenses, including but not limited to, luxury hotel stays, private jet travel, and PAC mementos from Saks Fifth Avenue and Neiman Marcus.” And they gave it to him. Bravo, Mr. Colbert.

Shitty

1. Occupy Wall Street – Even though the concept of protesting Wall Street Fuckos is totally awesome, the ways these dumbass hippies are going about it are all wrong. For example, Occupy Denver elected Shelby, a three year old border collie, to be its leader. The Colbert Report interviewed members of OWS, and (of course) Colbert picked the two biggest weirdos from OWS to be on his show. If they are any representation of the rest of the group, then I’m about to side with the corporations. Come on guys, you need to come up with at least one concrete demand. Otherwise, you’re just a bunch of homeless people sleeping in a park.
2. Royal Wedding – Prince Baldhead and Princess Whatsherface got married this summer. Everyone around the world was super pumped about it. Who gives a fuck? I’ve been to plenty of weddings, and 99 times out of 100 they are trashy, and waste a perfectly good Saturday. Why would anyone want to waste a Saturday watching a fucking wedding on TV? You don’t even know them. Get a life, people.
3. Japanese Tsunami – Japan got pummeled early this year with a massive tsunami which led to a near-nuclear meltdown. Japan is like a magnet for nuclear disasters. I guess that’s why Godzilla keeps attacking it. At least people recognized this as a major issues, and did something about it. If Japan got obliterated, then who would create all the shitty moe anime? Korea?
4. Arab Spring - Kind of like OWS, the Arab Spring turned out to be not so great in the long run. A lot of the peaceful protests turned violent, there was a civil war (perhaps more on the way), and now there is all sorts of religious persecution in the fledgling governments. Violent revolutions have a greater tendency to lead to violent regimes as opposed to peaceful ones. Who can really say what the end result of all this will be? But I do know that the Middle East remains completely fucked.
5. Republican Presidential Race – “OBAMA IS DESTROYING AMERICA! ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE DESTROYING AMERICA! GAY MARRIAGE IS DESTROYING AMERICA! PROSTESTORS ARE DESTROYING AMERICA! ONLY PRIVATE MULTI-NATIONAL CORPORATIONS CAN SAVE AMERICA! LET’S ELECT THE RICHEST CANDIDATE BECAUSE THEY’LL BE MOST IN TOUCH WITH THE AVERAGE AMERICAN! NO CANDIDATE WITH LESS THAN TWO MARITAL AFFAIRS WILL BE CONSIDERED FOR OFFICE! FLIP-FLOP ON THE ISSUES! LIE! THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY IS STIFLING BUSINESSES AND KILLING THE ECONOMY! DOWN WITH THE EPA! FUCK THE ENVIRONMENT! GRRRRR!”
6. Black Friday Now on Thanksgiving – Apparently, starting the sales at 4:00 AM isn’t early enough for some people. Over the years, as the sales inched earlier and earlier, I used to joke that eventually they’d start having Black Friday on Thanksgiving. Well, guess what? Black Friday now starts on Thursday. Now all the greed and blood-lust associated with the holiday season can get going one day sooner.
7. NASA Ends the Shuttle Program – How will I meet hot alien babes like on Star Trek if you guys shut down the shuttle program?
8. People Upset About Steve Jobs’ Death – Boo fucking hoo. This guy was a world-class asshole. He was a dick to his customers, and he treated his employees like shit. Yet people were crying in the streets over his death. I saw about a million fucking Facebook posts from my “friends” mourning him (they were all promptly removed from my friend-list). The dude was a complete dick. He made it onto the Shitty List from 2010. He ran his company like a fucker, and most of his employees hated him. Don’t go around acting like he’s the Jesus of computers, some martyr who should be worshipped now that he’s dead. Get over it. Go and be sad about the death of someone important, like Kim Jong-Il. *sniff* What will we do without our glorious leader? How can we go on? *cries*

Well, the year 2011 has given us plenty of awesome things, but way more shitty things. I suppose every year is like that. Let’s see what happens in 2012. I’m sure there will be no shortage of shit that will piss me off.

12.) RED - Bruce Willis loves the holidays. You can really tell. With RED, as well as two Die Hard movies and The Last Boy Scout, he’s a guy that really embodies the Christmas spirit. This movie in particular tells us it’s never too late to get excited for the holidays. Although the main characters are all retired from their work as assassins, they get together for one last hurrah. Even though you may be an old grouchy Scrooge, you can get festive once again. It’s a positive message like that which makes this such a heartwarming film. A group of old friends reunite to kill people and blow shit up one more time. This movie gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside.

11.) Lethal Weapon - Kind of like Bruce Willis, screenwriter Shane Black must really love Christmas. So many of his movies take place during the holidays. This time around we get to see Mel Gibson playing a suicidal cop, as he battles with the villainous Gary Busey, who seems to be playing himself. There is plenty of mayhem as L.A. is ripped to shreds. It ends with a Christmas celebration. I suppose the entire movie (the murders and shootouts and near suicide attempts) is a metaphor for the insanity of the build up to Christmas. This movie is really deep like that.

10.) The Last Boy Scout – I can’t think of anything more Christmasy than two of the season’s biggest fans, Bruce Willis and writer Shane Black, teaming up for a festive holiday romp. At the time it was made, the studio paid a record high price for the script. That’s just how much the studio loved the Yuletide cheer in this film. Damon Wayans and Bruce Willis work together as a classic action/comedy duo. There’s a lot to love here with Halle Berry as a stripper, gambling, extortion, violence, and a helicopter decapitation. And don’t miss the reference to everyone’s favorite guy in the big red suit, Satan Claws!

9.) Ronin – This movie gives us Christmas with a European flavor. We are treated to wonderful imagery of the streets of Nice and Paris. The Christmas lights seem brighter when illuminated by the radiant glow of a fireball from a bazooka. Robert DeNiro and Jean Reno send out season’s greetings to the Russian mafia and Irish Republican Army with reckless car chases and a storm of bullets. Allegiances shift and no one can be trusted, just like any typical family Christmas get-together. If there is one thing your family can agree on, it will be this movie. Watch it together and you’ll be in the mood to deck the halls.

8.) Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - Another entry from Christmas-loving writer/director Shane Black. Robert Downey Jr. plays a thief whose accomplice is killed during a botched robbery. To escape from the police, he ducks into a casting audition. The producers are impressed, thinking he’s a method actor (producers are dumbasses like that), and fly him out to Hollywood for a screen test. From then on, he gets involved with a kidnapping and murder conspiracy case, aided by Val Kilmer, who plays a fat, gay detective. The movie has a lot of tongue-in-cheek humor, a decent amount of action, quite a few holiday decorations in the background, and a groovy Christmas soundtrack. This is one for the whole family to enjoy!

7.) Brazil - Certainly a bizarre movie, this satirical look at bureaucracy leads to all sorts of hilarity. People get into the Christmas spirit with kidnappings, paperwork, terrorism, shoddy appliance repairs, more paperwork, ridiculous amounts of plastic surgery, brainwashing, torture, and even more paperwork. Terry Gilliam’s comical nightmare of a dystopian future is certainly a place I’d love to live in and celebrate Christmas. A little girl in the beginning of the movie asks how Santa will visit if they don’t have a chimney. Her answer becomes apparent moments later when a crack team of bureaucrats drops through the ceiling to arrest her father. Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!

6.) The Long Kiss Goodnight - Nothing speaks to the love a family shares around the holidays like this movie. Geena Davis plays an amnesiac assassin (is there any other kind?), and she goes on a killing spree to save her loved ones. Written by Christmas fanatic Shane Black, this movie contains great lines like a little girl saying, “Mommy, am I gonna die?” only to be answered by Davis, “Oh, no, baby, no. You’re not going to die. They are. Cover your ears. Hey, should we get a dog?” The movie has explosions, shootouts, immolation, strangulation, and death death death. Certainly, this is a fun and funny holiday adventure. Kids will enjoy the love expressed between Davis and her daughter. Adults will love the witty repartee provided by the always excellent Samuel L. Jackson with lines like, “That’s a duck, not a dick.” Truly, the underlying message here is “Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men.”

5.) American Psycho - Few movies capture the Christmas spirit like American Psycho. It takes place in the 1980s, and serves to encapsulate the corporate greed, drug use, fashion sense, and yuppie culture which dominated that period of American life. It also hews close to Christmas traditions with its portrayals of prostitution, murder, torture, and rape. Perhaps the most delightful scene is when one of Christian Bale’s victims flees down a stairwell, and Bale drops a running chainsaw on him. The color of blood really brings out the festive reds and greens of the holiday.

4.) Eastern Promises - This Christmas movie is a bit more somber than some of the others on the list. It takes place in snowy England just before the big holiday. It depicts the story of a baby (perhaps a Christ figure) who is orphaned when her 14-year old Russian slave-prostitute mother dies. Naomi Watts’ character tries to figure out what happened, and gets involved with the Russian mob. Things get crazy when the mob’s best hitman, Viggo Mortensen, starts acting badass. Viggo always plays a badass, it’s what he does best. The culmination of the film is a knife-fight in a steamroom, with Viggo Mortensen completely naked and showing off his wang. A Christmas miracle!

3.) L.A. Confidential - A lot of Christmas movies showcase family affairs. A lot of Christmas movies showcase Santa Claus. A lot of Christmas movies showcase a group of misfits who have to save Christmas. There are few movies other than L.A. Confidential that showcase a Christmas work party realistically. During the Christmas celebration at the L.A.P.D. jail, a group of drunk, rowdy cops beat the living crap out of some prisoners. Things get out of hand from there with murder, kidnapping, torture, drugs, prostitution, and a crazy-ass conspiracy. All the kinds of things that would be found at anyone’s typical Christmas work party. Bonus points for realism. Extra bonus points for introducing the world to Russell Crowe’s brand of belligerent douchebaggery. Minus points for Kim Basinger winning an Academy Award for a mediocre performance. Oh well, it can’t be perfect, but it lets the Yuletide ring!

2.) Die Hard – I wrote a little song about this movie:

You’d better watch out, You’d better not try, To take hostages, I’m tellin’ you why, John McClane is comin’ to town.

He’s makin’ a list, And checkin’ it twice, Of terrorists to kill tonight, John McClane is comin’ to town.

Now he’s got a machine gun, And he’s got lots of C-4 too, Even though his feet are cut by glass, He’s gonna kill in inventive ways.

Oh! You’d better watch out, You’d better not try, To take hostages, Or you terrorists will die, John McClane is comin’ to town!

Die Hard is a fantastic holiday movie. Just like Santa, John McClane comes to town to kick some terrorist ass. And with terrific performances by Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman, how could you not love this festive holiday classic?

1.) First Blood – A little known film from 1982, starring a little known actor named Sylvester Stallone. You might be surprised to hear that this movie spawned three sequels. All four movies feature the central character named Rambo. I know, you’ve probably never heard of him. He’s a Vietnam vet, ex-Special Forces, and all around badass. Apparently in the subsequent three movies, he racks up quite a body count. Not in First Blood, though. The reason I put this movie at the top of the list, is that, more so than any other film here, it tackles real issues. Like how the U.S. public treated the Vietnam vets like shit when they got home. It also deals with the ramifications of PTSD, torture, humiliation, and survivor guilt. Rambo cracks under the pressure of being treated like crap by the people he fought for, which is horrible ESPECIALLY SINCE IT TAKES PLACE DURING CHRISTMAS-TIME! Anyway, Rambo spreads some holiday cheer to a sleepy town with a big-ass machine gun. The movie handles difficult themes very well, and doesn’t beat you over the head with its moral. But it does say, “We treated the Vietnam vets like crap, and look at how well that turned out.” Stallone turns in a good performance as the haunted central character. Rambo became the archetype for the typical action character, but when this movie was made, he was something quite different. It is a thoughtful movie, and does have cool action scenes scattered throughout.

Well, that’s it. I hope you’ve watched all of these movies. You will no doubt agree that this comprises the best that Christmas movies have to offer. You may have noticed that there are 12 movies on this list, one for each of the Twelve Days of Christmas. I’m a thoughtful guy like that. I have a tendency to really get into the holiday spirit.

Verdicts: Awesome

Muppet mania

If I was a muppet, I would be Statler and Waldorf, combined.

I am probably going to lose a lot of street cred by writing this, but I enjoyed The Muppets. It works hard to get your nostalgia going, and it largely succeeds. While I didn’t exactly grow up watching the Muppets, I am old enough to remember them, and even I felt nostalgia watching this. It is comical, endearing, and whimsical, all at the same time. It contains all the things Hollywood normally does badly, except in The Muppets they are done right. In fact, they managed to expertly pull off so many of these things, it culminated in a very fun movie, and simultaneously reminded me of how I have no soul. It even gets meta on the audience as the in-movie Muppets try to get their show back together only to face the possibility (and fear) that they aren’t relevant anymore. Of course this holds true for The Muppets as the movie we are watching. The movie’s successes tell me that they are still relevant.

This isn’t a perfect movie, not by a long shot. They adhere to the old tried-and-true formula of telling as many jokes as possible and hoping that some of them stick. Fortunately, most of them do and the movie benefits from it. However, joke after joke after joke makes it apparent that they were trying a little too hard. The plot is somewhat mind-boggling as it doesn’t make sense that Kermit would sell out all of his supposed best friends in order to become “Rich and Famous.” But I suppose I’m thinking about this way too hard. The Muppets is simply meant to be enjoyed, not analyzed.

Verdict: Mahna Mahna (good)

Alias Season 2

Alias season 2 cast

If there’s one thing Alias has going for it, that would be recruiting interesting guest stars. Notice I wrote “interesting” and not “good.” Some of the guests are cool, others are oddities. Nevertheless, they managed to get an eclectic mix of guests to liven up the show. Some of them include Roger Moore, Quentin Tarantino, Vivica Fox, Ethan Hawke, Faye Dunaway, Djimon Honsou, and Ricky Gervais. Season 2 still manages to entertain us in very cool ways. While it isn’t quite as good as the first season, the second season still has strong writing. There are a number of shocking plot twists, and it is easy to stay engaged. Just past the halfway point the SD-6 storyline is wrapped up, and the overarching plot afterwards becomes chaotic, as the writers clearly had no idea where to go next. That problem continues on through the disastrous third season, but fortunately, improves afterwards.

Verdict: Good

Casshern Sins

Casshern moping around as usual.

They should have titled this series Emo Sins instead. Casshern has to be one of the mopiest, blandest, depressing central characters of all time. He walks around feeling sorry for himself throughout the entire series. He can’t even get pumped about the fact that he is an immortal ladies magnet and an unstoppable killing machine (sort of like me). Here’s a breakdown of every single episode

1. Episode begins with a brief flashback of Casshern killing Luna.
2. Opening credits.
3. Casshern wanders around a desolate wasteland and acts emo.
4. Casshern encounters a small enclave of human-looking robots.
5. Word gets passed around that if someone kills Casshern they will become immortal.
6. A group of generic-looking robots attack Casshern/enclave of human-looking robots.
7. Casshern goes berserk and kills everyone.
8. Ending credits.

That sums up just about every single episode of this series. So now you have no need to watch it. You can thank me later. On the positive side, the show does boast fantastic animation, and some great fight scenes. Little else is tolerable, however.

Verdict: Average

Dante from Devil May Cry

What do you get when you take a popular action video game franchise, that is heavy on button mashing and light on plot, and turn it into an anime TV series? Well, you get… this. Devil May Cry features the exploits of demon hunter Dante as he travels through a world with a paper-thin plot, copious amounts of bloodshed, pizza, ice cream sundaes, and shoddy animation. Oh wait, I guess my thoughts on the series bled into the show’s description. But you get the picture, right? Fortunately, for action junkies, this series has tons of shootouts and swordplay. Dante always infuses plenty of charm and style into his fights, and usually doesn’t break a sweat doing it. By the way, why is it that Dante is always broke, despite completing job after job (kind of like the characters in Cowboy Bebop)?

Pros: Cool main character, tons of action, great music.

Cons: Noticeable drops in animation quality during fight sequences, extremely repetitive, too many filler episodes, main character is invincible, at times it is mind numbingly stupid.

You don’t need to have ever played the video games in order to watch this anime. It’s light fare meant to give an adrenaline rush while the main character beats the crap out of demons. If that’s all you’re looking for in an anime, then look no further. This show had a great first episode and then fell into a slump, but fortunately recovered and had a pretty good ending. Overall, Devil May Cry is far from a masterpiece, but it was a fun diversion for a few hours.

Verdict: Average

Fantastic Children

The fantastic children of Fantastic Children.

Fantastic Children was quite, ahem, fantastic. This is certainly a more cerebral show that requires patience and attention. The first half of the series moved slowly, and at times was extremely confusing. The second half made a lot more sense as they started to give us some answers. It’s always nice to have things explained. In most anime they set up an intriguing premise and have a lot of mysterious things going on, then they suddenly get to the end of the series and don’t have time to explain shit. The unexplained shit gets relegated to LOLARTISTIC. Anyway, the pacing in the second half sped up a bit as the answers came and there was a bit more action and backstory. Once all the revelations had been made, I looked back and thought they told a cool story. I had read on a number of websites that this series has the best plot twist EVER. Well, I wouldn’t say the best ever, but it was interesting. If you have the time, don’t mind waiting a while for some answers, and prefer a good plot to moeblob lolis, you should check out this series.

Verdict: Good

Canaan

Canaan's cast of douches.

A typical “girls with guns” anime, with a typical amnesiac protagonist. There was some action, but overall the series was boring. The male characters looked extremely similar to one another and were difficult to tell apart. This show was a waste of time. But the necrophilia at the end was badass.

Verdict: Shitty

They should have crossed out the whole picture.

Up until this season, The Office was probably my favorite show of all time (second only to Rock of Love Bus). I quoted it. I had parties to watch the new episodes. I loved it, and since I hate everything, that is saying a lot. The show had weak episodes here and there, but through 7 seasons, it gave me a lot of laughs.

Then came season 8. Why couldn’t The Office have had the grace to quit while they were ahead?

I predict that The Office will be cancelled by the end of the season, if not before. It certainly needs to be put out of its misery. Here’s why:

1. They lost the show’s main character. Yes, The Office has an ensemble cast, but the world of The Office only works with Michael Scott at the helm. He is an incompetent boss, completely insane, and yet still likable. The show revolved around Michael’s crazy ideas and the rest of the office trying to cope with/react to them. Andy is not nearly incompetent or insane enough, and Robert California might be insane but he’s barely on the show. Without Michael, it’s just an office full of slightly weird/annoying people. Why would I waste my time watching it when I can just go to work?
2. All of the characters got fat. Ok, not all of them. Just Darryl and Pam. And Pam is pregnant, not so much “fat” per se. Either way, I feel like the cast is just bigger this year, and for some reason I don’t enjoy watching them as much because of it. So sue me.
3. The characters are not consistent. Pam used to be somewhat meek, shy even. She seemed like a nice person–now she just seems arrogant and entitled. Round-face smug, bossy Pam. She seems more like Angela now. And Angela is nice and happy this season. What the hell? Who decided to switch Angela and Pam? I don’t like either of them now. Andy used to be an acapella-loving, banjo-playing man with anger issues. Now he is an acapella-loving, banjo-playing man with daddy issues. Ok, so Andy has issues. Why not carry on his previous anger issue? Why make up a new one this season? They used it as a plot device for a single episode, instead of building on past established traits in multiple episodes. It didn’t fit and I didn’t get it.
4. They tried to continue the series after all of the loose ends were tied up. Last season, Michael Scott finally realized his dream to get engaged to someone equally as insane as him. Pam and Jim already had their happily ever after. Angela was dating a gay politician. Dwight was exactly the same as he was on day 1 of the series. The Office was left with an uncertain future with no replacement boss–what better way to end? What other story is there to tell? (None, if you couldn’t guess.) Leave it open so that each viewer can make up his own ending, if you will.
5. The gags are over-the-top. I know what you’re thinking. It’s The Office. ALL of the gags are over-the-top. But that’s just it–they’re not. Like when Jim and Pam throw Andy’s phone into the ceiling over his desk. That is totally doable, and I’m sure people tried it after the show aired. Or the time when Michael was going to pretend to commit suicide by jumping off the roof into a bouncy castle. It was crazy, but within Michael’s realm of crazy, so I could buy it. This season? Jim publishing a fake book online about throwing garden parties? Dwight finding it, purchasing it, and using it as a reference to throw a garden party? IMPOSSIBLE. At the very least, IMPLAUSIBLE. Sorry guys, I just don’t believe your jokes anymore.
6. Not enough of the minor characters. I love Meredith, Creed, and Kelly. They have provided some of the funniest moments this show has ever offered up. Creed selling fake IDs to all the local teenagers. Meredith flashing Michael in his office. Creed’s “blog”.  Meredith trading sex for paper discounts. Creed taking a bite out of a potato. Almost anything that Kelly says. (“I have a question for you Ryan. First of all, how dare you.”) In seasons past, I would lol every time they would come on screen–but this season I haven’t lol’ed once. Are they even in this season, or do they just not have anything even remotely funny to say?
7. The writing is bad. I think that sums up 3-6. The writers all forgot their craft after Steve Carell left the show. His impact on the entire production was obviously huge, because without him, they just can’t pull it off. Most of the issues I listed could be corrected with better writing–but it won’t happen. If they could write better episodes, they’d be doing it already.

The bottom line is that the show is pointless without Steve Carell. If the people in charge had any insight, they would have realized this and cancelled it already. Instead, they decided to go for one more season–but I guarantee it will be the last.*

Verdict: Shitty

*But if it’s not I’ll still be watching, and complaining about it the entire time.