Fuck you Hachimaki, fuck you.

A lot of times, people think back to the “good old days” of any medium (film, TV, music, anime), and only remember the good stuff. They tend to forget about the huge mountain of shit that got produced every year. That’s why they can get tricked into thinking that the current stuff is terrible, but in the past “EVERYTHING WAS AMAZING ZOMG!!!1!!1!”

Anime is not free from this. While it does seem that, with the onslaught of moe shit, never-ending shows like Naruto, Bleach, and Inuyasha still on the airwaves, and the fact that studio Gonzo still exists, anime is on the decline. However, that isn’t the case at all. Anime companies in Japan have continuously produced giant, steaming turds every single year, just like Hollywood.

One of those turds is a series called Planetes, which, like so many shows, started out as a good idea but was spontaneously aborted by really shitty writing, and what was left was such a bloody mess that nothing of worth could be salvaged.

Planetes, while technically a very well made show (nice animation and great music), had such a disappointing story (notably the ending), that it completely prevented me from enjoying it.  I was actually able to sit through to the end, but that was a punishment in itself. Fortunately, I’m a mashochist. Once I had managed to drag myself to the completion of the series, I could see why it did not perform well in ratings or DVD sales.

As I mentioned before, the biggest problem with this show is the horrible writing. The depiction of space was excellent and, for the most part, realistic, but the characters were so fucking annoying that it totally killed my interest. Plus, it deals with topics too heavy-handedly to be enjoyable in any way. If I wanted to watch failed relationships, death from cancer, terrorists, and people acting like assholes to one another, well, I already have real life. I don’t need to see it all again in anime form. Anime should really only be about one thing: tentacle rape. And there is no tentacle rape to be found in Planetes. Instead, it’s just a bunch of whiney teenage melodrama that would fit right in on MTV or the CW.

Hachimaki, the protagonist, is the one that annoyed me the most. He’s brash, an oaf, arrogant, self-centered, and all around a huge douchebag. The show could have been great if it had centered on ANY other character: Tanabe, Fee, Yuri, even Hakim would have been better. But instead they picked the least likable and least interesting one.

What I can’t understand are his motivations. He spent his whole life resenting/hating his father for always being away in space and never being there for him and his mother. And then, what does he do? He leaves his girlfriend, family, and friends behind so he can go on a selfish mission for 7 years. What? The? Fuck? He bitches and moans about being alone, but he’s constantly surrounded by people that love him and reassure him. He acts like a complete asswipe to Tanabe who, for some inexplicable reason, loves him regardless. It probably has something to do with how all women* love “bad boys,” and secretly want to be treated like shit.

In the end, after he get the girl and starts a family, he still goes away on the Jupiter mission. After all the emotional shit he went through, it turns out he learned nothing and still considers his own happiness and goals above everything else. Yeah that’s right, there was no character growth whatsoever. After 26 boring, annoying, so bad it’s suicide-inducing episodes, there was no payoff. What was the point of all that anyway? I can’t believe that Tanabe would actually be willing to wait for him for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS with their unborn child (whom he won’t see for first 7 years of its life) almost immediately after their marriage. Way to be there for your family, buddy.

Overall, the writing was just sloppy and lazy. The show began well, stalled a little during the early episodes, picked up steam around the middle, and then just fell apart in the end. Did we really need 10 episodes about Hachimaki doubting himself and acting like a brat to everyone? He’s a bigger whiner than Shinji from Evangelion. At least Shinji kicked some ass once in a while, but Hachimaki doesn’t ever do anything but mope around.

I get the sense that the writers had enough of a story for around 16 episodes or so, but needlessly stretched it out to 26 instead of cutting it down to 13. The fuckos at Anime News Network said: “Planetes is far and away the year’s best sci-fi series [of 2005].” Well, that would be true if they didn’t watch any other sci-fi series in 2005. However, in a year that also produced (at least in terms of U.S. DVD releases) Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex, Fullmetal Alchemist, Elfen Lied, Scrapped Princess, and Gankutsuou: The Count of Monte Cristo, there is no fucking way in hell that Planetes is the best sci-fi series of 2005. If by best they actually meant worst, then yeah, it’s the best.

If you want to watch an anime that has good production values, but does not have an interesting protagonist, has no character growth, and has a rage-aneurysm-inducing story, then check out Planetes. You are guaranteed to be disappointed.

Verdict: Shitty

*This does not apply to all women, only most of them.

About a million years ago I played Halo on the PC. It was one of the hugest pieces of shit of all time. It was repetitive, boring, had lame guns, had an idiotic story, and was about as generic as FPS games can get. I hated it so much that I refused to play Halo 2 or 3, despite the fact that fanboys around the world heralded them as the best things since sliced bread. Which is really saying a lot, since sliced bread is the best thing since sliced bread.

A few months back, three other friends and I got together and it was decided that we should play Halo 3 online. My friend has an Xbox 360 and a huge HD TV, and I was drunk, so I figured, “Sure, why the fuck not?” We played, and it was incredible. It was one of the most fun multiplayer experiences of my videogaming life. Don’t get me wrong, it was no Goldeneye 64, but it was a pretty solid experience nonetheless.

So, after months of playing Halo 3 online with my friends, I decided I would go back in time and play through the single player campaign of Halo 2, with the intent of then moving on to part three. After all, online play was so much fun that the developers must have fixed their mistakes from the previous games, right?

That was a huge mistake.

I found myself right back where I was a million years ago when I played through the first Halo. It royally sucked ass, and here are the reasons why:

1. I played as a nameless, faceless, super strong and skilled space marine (a la Doom). The typical Halo fanboy says, “Ohhh, Master Chief is so unique and awesome, he is uber leet!!!” *cums in pants* Unfortunately, anyone who thinks Master Chief is anything but a generic genre trope is a fucking idiot.
2. I was fighting hordes of generic, not to mention comically bad, aliens. I mean, are they supposed to be funny? Shouldn’t the villains make you a little bit nervous/excited/whatever? No, apparantely not. And don’t get me started on The Flood either. They are just as boring.
3. The guns are weak and terrible. All the alien guns are huge pieces of shit. For example, the Brute Shot is this grenade launcher weapon that usually takes about six shots to kill something. Six grenades to kill something?! Are you fucking kidding me? I might as well throw diarrhea at the enemies, that would be just as powerful.
4. The story was ZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZ *wakes up* “Huh? What? Oh, that’s the same thing as the first game.” ZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZ
5. The levels are so fucking long. I mean Jesus Fucking TapDancing AssRaping Christ, they go on and on and on and on and on and on and on. I think the first level alone takes over an hour to play.
6. It’s repetitive as fuck. Just like the problem with The Dark Knight, the developers thought that the old saying “less is more” doesn’t apply to them. By making all the levels as long and repetitive as possible, they would be sure to have a hit game on their hands. And, well, they were right. It is a hit game. Their strategy worked, just like it did for The Dark Knight. The only problem here is that people are idiots, and they like shit that is terrible. Which is why both Halo and The Dark Knight got such great reviews. Really, this is the thing I hate most about the single player version of all the Halo games. It is just hallway after gray concrete hallway of enemies standing around for you to kill them. It goes on forever with little to no variation. Sure, you get to drive a car once in  a while, but those moments come to few and far between to make this game worthwhile.

In a perfect world where people like things that are actually good, Halo would be remembered as nothing more than a footnote amongst all the other vapid, generic first person shooters. Unfortunately, this is not a perfect world. The world we live in is the same world where Twin Peaks got canceled, Paris Hilton is famous, people argue about whether Macs or PCs are better, and shitty video games are incredibly popular.

I suppose that multiplayer is the reason for Halo’s longevity. Because there is no fucking way that it is due to the single player. The developers must spend all their time making the online version fun (which is a hell of a lot of fun – just as long as you don’t get the fucking Brute Shot or any of those piece of shit guns that you have to charge up, or you aren’t playing One Bomb), and then the single player is just a stinky, bloody, disgusting afterbirth. That’s the only possible explanation for why it is so fucking bad.

This has nothing to do with Halo, that's why it rules.

Before you start flaming me about the content of this post, you really need to ask yourself, “Does the Halo single-player game have any redeeming qualities whatsoever?” If your answer is “yes,” then you should probably kill yourself. Or if you aren’t willing to do that, at least go play something good, like checkers or Scrabble. Those are games that will really give you an adrenaline rush, man.

Verdicts:

Doom: Awesome

Goldeneye 64: Awesome

Evil Dead Ash/Jesus: Awesome

Halo: Shitty

Recharge that baby, Travis, yeah, that's hot.

Holy shit, I love this game!

I seriously have not been addicted to a game in a really long time. That is, not until I played No More Heroes. It’s basically an ultra-violent, playable anime with a sense of humor. The premise is that you are Travis Touchdown (awesome name, by the way), an otaku who wants to be the world’s greatest assassin. So, he decides to take out the world’s top 10 assassins with the lightsaber he won in an online auction (where else would you get one?).

This game does not fuck around. You don’t waste any time getting right to decapitating your enemies with geysers of blood. The Wiimote is awesome for this, too. You mash the A button until you are prompted with a direction to swing the controller. After doing that, Travis swings his lightsaber in that direction, and you get a sweet, sweet decapitation. Or if you’re really lucky, you can chop the bad guy in half. The control works perfectly, and is about 50 billion times better than swinging the sword in the godawful Red Steel.

Warning: Villains are extremely hypertensive!

Essentially, the game is completely over the top, and revels in its insanity. Each assassin that you take on is more ridiculous than the last. And the story line continuously breaks through the 4th wall (which means it references itself as a videogame). Usually I hate cut scenes because they are as boring as fuck, but here I couldn’t wait to see them. They are hilarious, have great voice acting, and move things along at an interesting pace. Overall, it had great writing.

There are no more heroes, motherfucker.

The graphics use cel-shading technology, which is something I normally can’t stand, but given that this is basically a playable anime, it worked rather well. The only thing I didn’t like about this game was being forced to do side jobs in between missions in order to get enough cash to move the story forward. That is an annoyance that game developers have been using for years, and really need to stop. I mean, just let me play the fucking game, I don’t want to mow the lawn, collect coconuts, clean graffiti, and rescue goddamn cats. On the positive side, none of the side jobs went on for too long, and never outstayed their welcome.

Gratuitous babe.

In summary, No More Heroes fucking rules. It is 10 times better than any Xbox 360 or PS3 game on the market. And it is 10,000 times better than motherfucking Okami, that piece of shit. No More Heroes has fun gameplay, solid mechanics, a cool story, some really tense moments of difficulty, and overall is just a masterpiece.

What I like best is that there really are no more heroes, everyone is a villain, including the main character.

Verdict: Awesome

iPhone, you are a magnificent bastard.

So I finally broke down and joined the legion of iPhone carriers. My girlfriend is Original Gangsta, as she has the 2G phone. I’ve seen her use it for quite a long time now, and I decided that it was cool and I should get one of my own. The only problem was that I was still under contract with Alltel. That cell phone company has amazing service, but the worst phones on the goddamn planet. All their phones are cheap plasticky crap from 4 fucking years ago. I mean, seriously, if they had at least one decent phone, they wouldn’t have been swallowed up by Verizon. Anyway, I digress…

My contract finally ended, and the next day I was all set to make the switch to AT&T so I could get an iPhone 3GS. The “S” is for “suck” — err, I mean “speed,” the S is for “speed.”

Since all of Apple’s shit is so insanely overpriced, I have never walked into an Apple store and purchased anything. In fact, the only Apple product I have ever owned was an iPod nano that I bought refurbished online. That was the only way I could afford it. I mean, seriously, you have to be a fucking trust fund baby to purchase any of Apple’s shit. Anyway, I digress again…

I thought it would be cool to finally be able to walk into an Apple store and actually buy something, instead of gawk. So, my girlfriend and I went to the mall. I thought it would be a piece of cake to set up a new AT&T account, and port over my old Alltel phone number. Well, that was a completely retarded idea on my part. I was forgetting that everyone is an idiot, and this would be damn near impossible to accomplish.

This total Apple fanboy spaz tried to help me buy my iPhone. The first problem is that the Apple store doesn’t have an AT&T rep. Rather, they use some kind of outdated portable computer system from 1987. So, Spazzy-McGee tried to set up my account, but he failed. He tried again, and failed again. After that it was his lunch break, so he left, and the store manager took over trying to set up my account. He failed twice. By that time I was getting really, really fucking pissed off. What was the goddamn problem?! The manager decided the best thing to do was to call AT&T directly, and set up my account over the phone. The lady on the phone asked to speak to me in order to verify some information. So, the manger handed me his iPhone, and I spoke to the lady for about 30 seconds, when… wait for it… the call was dropped.

Great fucking display of your technology, AT&T and Apple. Way to go. I turned around and stormed out, resolved to never try to buy anything in an Apple store again, because the retards that work there are fucking incompetent.

Next, my girlfriend and I drove to the closest AT&T store. We figured that doing it in person would work out. I hate going to cell phone stores, because you inevitably have to wait 3 hours to talk to anyone. I mean, what the fuck? Why do all cell phone stores have only two employees working at any given time, when there are 50 customers? Jesus tapdancing Christ. Well, after waiting about half an hour in line, I finally get to talk to some salesgirl.

I explained the situation to her. She said that it would be easy to set up my account and port over my Alltel phone number. “Which iPhone do you want?” she asked cheerfully.

“I want the 16gb black 3GS,” I replied, feeling relieved.

“Oh, we’re all out of that one. Would you like the 32gb instead?”

“Are you going to sell it to me at the 16gb price?”

“No.”

“Then, no, I don’t want it,” I said, feeling my anger rising once more.

The salesgirl was nice enough to explain to me that the version I wanted was flying off the shelves everywhere, and were nearly impossible to get. At that point I was thinking I should just stay with Alltel and get a fucking Blackberry. But my girlfriend, who wasn’t blinded by rage, asked the salesgirl to call other AT&T stores to see if any of them had one. She did. The first two stores were sold out, but the third store had four available.

Success! The only problem was that we had to drive another half an hour to get there. No problem. We jumped into my honey-wagon and took off down the road. We get to the shopping complex where the AT&T store was located, and drove around… and around… and around.

What the fuck?! Where’s the store?!

My girlfriend pulls up the phone number on her iPhone, and contacts them. They are in the back corner of the complex. We drove around the complex for another five minutes before we finally found it. It was buried in the back corner by a bunch of empty storefronts, with a ridiculously tiny AT&T logo printed on the window.

It’s no fucking wonder they had four 16gb iPhones, it was nearly impossible to find the goddamn store. We went inside, explained the situation to the salesman, and he said, “No problem.”

He was able to port over my old Alltel number, and hook me up with the iPhone I wanted, which a few minutes before, I believed was an impossible task. I walked out of the store 10 minutes later, happy. All told, the endeavor took three hours to complete. Was it worth it?

Yes. Yes it was. The iPhone 3GS is fucking incredible. The apps are great, the texting is fun, the internet is amazing, the signal quality is… oh fuck me. The call quality kind of sucks. I actually had a call drop while I was standing in my back yard. I mean, what the fuck? Overall, the pros outweigh the cons, and I am completely satisfied with my purchase. Even though I almost had to murder someone to get it.

To rephrase AT&T’s current slogan: “The iPhone, the world’s greatest phone, on America’s worst network.”

(P.S. I can’t believe AT&T had the fucking nerve to charge me a $36 activation fee after I bought a two-year contract, and bought a $200 phone. Fucking greedy assholes.)

Verdicts:

Apple Store Employees: Shitty

AT&T Service Quality: Shitty

iPhone 3GS: Awesome

One more reason why I love Japan: a talking piece of poop…that is considered lucky because it is good natured and helps people.

Verdict: Awesome

I have three quick reviews for you. Why? Because I’m too lazy to write a single in-depth review of any of these titles. Really, it all stems from my inability to— ah, fuck it, let’s just get on with it.

Baccano

Boring Baccano's boring cast of boring assholes.

ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

Huh? Wha? Why’d you wake me? What’s going on? Oh that’s right, I was watching Baccano. Something about too many characters, and nothing really happens. Any time you have a story (movie, book, tv series, whatever) about the multiple perspectives of one event (e.g. Rashomon), it inevitably sucks. Yeah that’s right, Kurosawa fanboys, suck it. Now, let me get back to sleep. Oh, and also: Jacuzzi Splot is a fantastic (read: retarded) name.

Verdict: Shitty

Shakugan no Shana

I'm eagerly awaiting the Shana hentai.

Taking one look at the character designs for this show, I figured I would hate it. And yeah, it did start out a little weak. It was basically a combination/rip-off of Full Metal Panic and X. However, there was something about it that seemed kind of cool. There was this dark side to it that was rather unexpected. Basically, the main character, Yuji, (and many others) are just the ghosts of people who have already died. Shana gets pissed off, and unleashes some serious shit on various bad guys. The moment that really did it for me, though, was the multi-episode arc featuring the Incest Twins. A villainous brother and sister that make out constantly, and kill innocent people. Awesome! I wish more anime had the balls to show hot, sweet incest. Overall, this show had a lot more personality than I originally anticipated, and it is worth checking out.

Verdict: Good

Afro Samurai

Afro's fro could be a little bigger, don't you think?

With Samuel L. Jackson providing the voice of not one, but two characters, I thought, “This is sure to be terrible.” And the first episode was. It was this bizarre mix of pseudo-historical Japan, the American old west, 20th century weapons, robots, cell phones, and hip hop. The animation was pretty good, and it was ultra violent, with buckets of blood spraying in every direction. Still, it seemed lackluster. But then, in the second episode, BAM!, we got full frontal tits. Sex scenes are obviously great, and this one suddenly made Afro Samurai a hell of a lot cooler. After that, it was non-stop badassness. Once I forgot that it didn’t take place in any reality that made sense, I started to like it a lot more. Overall, I was really pleased. The film that followed the five-episode OVA was more of the same, although it had a tendency to drag in a couple of places. Still, if you want a solid action show, you can’t go wrong here. Just check your brain at the door.

Verdict: Good

Grrrr, moody atmosphere.

I watched The Dark Knight last summer in the theater just like everyone else in the world did. At the time I thought it was pretty awesome, and a year later I’ve seen it again, this time on DVD. So, how was it on a repeat viewing? Ehh, really, really long. What was the runtime of this movie, anyway? 347 minutes? Well, maybe not that long, but it sure felt like it was longer than the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, the director’s cut version.

Batman Begins was a fucking incredible movie. As a superhero movie it was flawless. It had great production design, good pacing, good acting, an interesting storyline, and showed a natural and believable progression of Bruce Wayne into Batman. It was a 5-star movie all the way. Looking back at it, I would be hard pressed to find anything to complain about.

The Dark Knight falls prey to the usual sequel problems. Here’s how I imagine the pitch to the movie studio executives went:

Director: We’ve completed the script to the Batman sequel.

Executive: Batman Begins made a lot of money.

Director: Uhh, yeah. So anyway, I had a few ideas about casting.

Executive: How are you going to make this one bigger and better than the first movie?

Director: Uhh, well, we have the Joker.

Executive: I think this one needs to be longer. All sequels should be longer than the first.

Director: What?

Executive: IF THE FIRST ONE WAS GOOD, THEN THE NEW ONE WILL BE EVEN BETTER IF YOU JUST ADD MORE STUFF TO IT! IT ALSO NEEDS TO BE PG-13!

Director: …

Executive: MAKE SURE YOU ADD A SCENE WHERE THE JOKER RAPS!

That must have been how it happened. The first movie was good, so why not just throw more shit in to the sequel? It’s bound to be better, right? If you said yes, then you’d be wrong, and also movie studio executive material.

The Dark Knight is like when you order a 1/2 pound burger, but then the cashier says, “Well, you can have a WHOLE pound burger for 40 cents more!” You can’t pass up a deal like that. Then, half-way through eating the burger, you’re sitting there, looking at it, and thinking, “Why did I do this to myself?”

Why so long... I mean serious, why so serious?

There’s really no justification for this movie being so fucking long. There is tons of down-time, and the pacing is really bad. The action beats are broken up by huge spanses of nothingness. The parts between action sequences are typically reserved for plot advancement and character development. Not so here. Instead, they just have a bunch of scenes that showcase how batshit insane the Joker is, and how nauseatingly self-righteous Harvey Dent is. Bruce Wayne, THE MAIN CHARACTER, takes a backseat to everyone else. It’s almost as if the title character, Batman, makes a cameo appearance.

The acting was really good. Heath Ledger was awesome as the Joker, and really deserved all the praise he got. Gary Oldman did a good job as Commissioner Gordon, Michael Caine rocked, Aaron Eckhart was convincing, and the girl who is not as good looking as Katie Holmes was all right, too. The only person I can’t comment on was Christian Bale as Batman, because he really had the smallest part in the whole movie.

I also felt that the character of Two Face was squandered. With so much running time dedicated to Harvey Dent’s downfall and transformation, it seemed only natural that he was being set up as the villain in the next film. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen. He dies almost as soon as he becomes evil. All that build-up was wasted, which makes those long, boring gaps in the film completely pointless.

The Bat Sonar Vision-thingy was also idiotic. It was cool enough the first time it was utilized, but after that it was just annoying. Every time I read a review on the internet about this movie, fanboys orgasmed in their pants about how amazing the Batpod was. Batpod? What the fuck? Since when are motorcycles called pods? I went to the Harley Davidson website, and I could not find any pods for sale. I was really disappointed. Batcycle would have been a more logical name, but it probably wasn’t gay enough to satisfy the Hollywood executives.

The action scenes themselves were well directed, but perhaps a bit too short. Or maybe they were an appropriate length, and just seemed ridiculously short compared to how fucking long this movie is. The music was rather bland, and I found myself constantly thinking that the score for the original Tim Burton Batman film was way more fun. The tone may not have been right, but it would have woken me up a bit. And that was really the core problem. The movie was so fucking long that I found myself getting really antsy, and hoping it would end. In fact the movie tricked me into thinking it was already over, but in reality it had another 30 fucking minutes left. Jesus Christ, why?! It was just too much. Too bloated.

Overall, I do think this was a good movie, but great movies are the ones where you aren’t aware of the running time. If it was truly enveloping, I wouldn’t have constantly been wondering how much time was left. Batman Begins was a better movie.

Verdict: Good (Awesome if 30 hours shorter)

“It’s just, it’s just awesome.”

“…it’s just hard.”

But calling Fox clever? Come on, Sexman, you know they are a bunch of retards.

I checked out the new Star Trek movie this weekend, being brave enough to even go on opening night. When I say brave enough, I mean I had to take two extra Xanax’s just to be able to spend that much time so close to other people. I don’t do well in public places.

I had fully intended to wear my Ferengi costume, but my fellow Trekkers said that since Ferengis were never in the original series I wouldn’t be canon. They were right. Sadly, I went with the tride and true, but overused, Klingon costume. While waiting in line we got in an argument about which Starship Enterprise was the best. Clearly, the NCC-1701-A was the best, but those other, retarded Trekkers were trying to convince me that NCC-1701-E was better. Just because it has new phaser banks and torpedo launchers, plus it can be piloted by a joystick doesn’t mean it’s good. Come on, it can’t even do a saucer separation like the NCC-1701-D! How could anyone think that is cool?

Once I got up to the ticket counter, I realized I had forgotten to put my wallet into my costume, so my “friend” had to buy my ticket. My “friend” is the same individual that thinks The Menagerie counts as one episode, even though the Wikipedia entry clearly states that Parts I and II have different air dates. It’s like he just put his head in the sand and ignored the experts. Anyway, my “friend” did buy my ticket, but he wasn’t able to get the student discount for me since I didn’t have my Student ID. He had to pay full price, and expects me to pay him back for it. He and I both know that I am a student, so I don’t see why I should have to give him $9.50, when the student rate is $7.00. Idiot.

When we got into the theater a bunch of people laughed at us for wearing our costumes. They probably wouldn’t have laughed if I had rememberd to bring my Klingon bat’leth. I look like a badass with that. I have practiced a lot at home with it, and I’m pretty good at swinging it around, free-form style. When you watch the video of me with it you can see that I’m intimidating. I should upload that to Youtube some day.

Notice a distinct lack of Nimoy and Shatner.

Even though we got there half an hour early, most of the seats were already taken. We could either sit in the very front or very back. We went for the back, because I didn’t want to get another muscle spasm by having to look up at the screen for two hours. When we finally sat down, my “friend” and some random guy started talking about which was better, Star Trek or Star Wars. I can’t believe he would participate in such a moronic debate. This random guy was saying that Star Wars was better because of the Force, Darth Vader, Light Sabers, and Death Star. Really? Was this dweeb serious? I don’t think I need to explain to you why all of that stuff is wrong. It’s obvious why Star Trek is superior, so I won’t waste your time going into the reasons (if you are intelligent, you probably know why anyway). George Lucas is a dipshit. Gene Roddenberry was a visionary.

So after waiting for what seemed like a lifetime in Vulcan years, the movie finally started. We were forced to sit through cel phone ads, shitty trailers, and that godawful Papa Roach National Guard music video/recruiting commercial. I felt like the only way I could have gotten through it all was with some Romulan Ale, but my mom didn’t have any blue Kool-Aid in the fridge for me to put some vodka in, so I had to go sober. Eventually all the nonsense ended and the film began.

They changed a lot of stuff that is supposed to be canon. Clearly J.J. Abrams doesn’t understand the meaning of canon. You can’t just go changing it! My “friend” was telling me that he didn’t violate canon because the entire movie took place in an alternate reality. But he doesn’t even know that Chekov wasn’t introduced until episode 36 (production number 30 – the first episode of the second season), so you can’t believe what he says, anyway.

Bring it on, Death Star!

The special effects were nice, although the Enterprise looked too futuristic. They really should have used something similar to the sets from the original series if they wanted to be serious about continuity. The music was kind of a let down because they didn’t use the original themes, or even the film themes except during the closing credits. The acting was good, but the new cast didn’t have the same amount of charisma as the original cast. Leonard Nimoy was amazing in it. Live long and prosper, Leonard! I do wish they would have found some way to put William Shatner in it, because Star Trek would be nothing without him. I’ve probably given away my position on the epic Kirk vs. Picard debate, but that’s ok. I can see why some people like Picard, but Kirk was the first, and best captain. Sisko takes a distant third, Archer fourth, and… I’m not even going to mention Janeway.

Well, when everything was over I went back home and fired up my DVD player to relive the glory days of the original series. I have both the original DVD release and the CGI remastered release. I usually watch the original just because I like my Star Trek unspoiled, but I have the remastered for completion’s sake. While watching I started making a checklist of all the things the new movie got wrong or contradicted. I should post that sometime soon. Maybe I’ll make a video blog about it, and when I do I’ll finally get to wear my Ferengi costume. Oh, and I’ll show off my sweet bat’leth moves, too.

Verdict: Good

Snake is the man.

I fully intended to write this review right after I finished playing Metal Gear Solid 3, but for some reason (i.e. laziness) I never got around to it. So, months later, and with most of the game receding from my memory, I’m finally writing my review.

Metal Gear Solid 3 is by far the best game in the franchise. Everything about it is pure awesome. Ok, well not everything. Sure, there were a few moments that annoyed me or pissed me off, but the product as a whole is so goddamn good, that it more than makes up for little problems. As you may already know, I hate pretty much everything, so the fact that I loved this game is noteworthy.

Watch out, asshole.

While the original Metal Gear certainly emphasized stealth, the first two entries in the Metal Gear Solid series were more pseudo-stealth than anything else. What I mean is that you got to sneak around for a couple of screens, but were then forced into an unavoidable boss battle, which left so much destruction that there’s no way the other bad guys wouldn’t be able to track you down. Anyway, my point is that Metal Gear Solid 3 actually allows you to finally use the much touted stealth aspect for lengthy periods of time. You can take multiple paths, creep through a variety of environments, and use camouflage.

Camouflage was probably the best new feature of the game. Based on the terrain, you could change your uniform to blend in, and even featured a visibility meter. This was clearly taken from the Splinter Cell series, but I feel it was a great improvement over those games’ light/dark meter. Other cool things they added was the necessity to hunt and kill/capture food to sustain stamina (which can subsequently spoil and give you a stomach ache), being able to use first aid on your body, a badass improvement in the fighting system called “close quarters combat,” and the ability to throw snakes at enemies to freak them out long enough for you to take them down. Now how fucking cool is that?!

Snake kicking ass with CQC.

The boss battles were forced, just like in the other games, but unlike the other games in the series, the battles were all an appropriate difficulty level, were separated with plenty of time in between, and were varied enough that each one was a lot of fun. The final battle against The Boss might just be the greatest fight in the history of video games.

The music was great, the graphics were good, the controls perfect, and the story was epic. (The periodic James Bond references were a nice touch, as well.) It takes place in the Cold War, before the events of any of the other Metal Gear games. What I loved was how it showed the U.S. government basically fucking everyone over, and showing us how Snake eventually goes rogue, as Big Boss, and decides to take them down (oops, spoilers!). Also, since this game takes place in the past, they forced you to use 1964 technology, so no sci-fi radar bullshit, which basically made everything more challenging.

U.S. game cover art.

There were a couple of things that annoyed me in this game. The biggest problem is near the end of the game you try to escape with Eva, and she is so goddamn hungry so won’t travel unless you constantly feed her. Give me a break. It was a lot easier to just tranquilize her, and carry her through the level. The other things that I found annoying were the typical extremely long story sequences, which could easily have been shortened, and when you are spotted by enemies, the alert status lasts waaaaay too fucking long.

Three gripes is pretty good coming from me. Those factors alone are definitely not a deal breaker. This is without a doubt one of the most memorable video games I have ever played. It was lots of fun, and has an extremely high replay value. Metal Gear Solid 3 is definitely the best game in the franchise, and probably the best game to ever grace the Playstation 2. If you haven’t ever played a Metal Gear game, go ahead and pick this one up. You won’t be disappointed.

Verdict: Awesome