I managed to evade The Man and The Good Taste Police long enough to last one more year. It’s amazing to think that I have been writing this blog for six years. Sure, it’s little more than a hate-filled rant against Hollywood, but it still takes some effort on my part to churn out all this drivel. I don’t really know how long I’ll be writing this blog. As long as Michael Bay is making movies, though, I’ll try my best to be here to watch shit so you don’t have to. Once again, let me thank all of you who drop by and read the blog and leave comments. Awesomely Shitty wouldn’t be half as much fun without you. So, until next year, here’s a happy (shitty) anniversary to me.
Posts Tagged ‘awesome
Apparently, summertime is awards season. Awards season for Awesomely Shitty. That’s right, fuckos, I got not one, but two blogging awards. Hells yeah! I rule! Ahem. Okay, sure they were given to me by regular visitors, but it still counts. It’s not like the Academy is made up of anything but peers, anyway. I just count myself fortunate that so many people read my blog and don’t want to murder me. It’s amazing, really.
The Liebster Award
The Liebster Award is given to a blogger who has less than 200 followers. Liebster in German means “beloved, favorite, dearest.” The goal of the Liebster Award is the help new or growing blogs connect with other bloggers. It’s a good way for readers to discover new blogs. I was given this award from Sidekick Reviews. It’s a great blog that I highly recommend checking out. I appreciate the award, thanks a lot.
The rules for Liebster Award recipients:
- List 11 random facts about yourself.
- Answer the questions that were asked of you (by the blogger that nominated you)
- Nominate 11 other blogs for the Liebster Award and include a link to their blogs.
- Notify the bloggers of their award.
- Ask the award winners 11 questions to answer once they accept the award.
Here are the random facts: Continue reading ‘It’s Time to Honor Myself’
Well, it’s happened, folks. I’ve wasted five perfectly good years of my life working on this blog. I’d like to thank those of you who drop by and leave comments and/or hate messages on a regular basis. You know who you are. Without you, trashing shitty movies and anime wouldn’t be half as much fun.
To celebrate the big day, Mrs. Brik and I decided to go to Hawaii. We stayed at a luxurious private beach, drank the finest champagne, snorkeled off the coast, and ate the flesh of endangered species. I may or may not have participated in hunting humans for sport. Hey, you only turn five once, right? Might as well live it up.
As a treat for all of you, I have put links to the most popular posts of all time from the last five years. If you have already seen these, now is your chance to relive the magic. If you haven’t, please enjoy.
- 20 Awesomest Anime of the Decade
- 20 Shittiest Anime of the Decade
- Fake Indie Movies (AKA Fuck You, Hipsters)
- Things I Hate About Assassin’s Creed
- Classically Shitty: Breakfast at Tiffany’s
- Red Dead Redemption Can Go to Hell
- Your Wedding Sucked
- Conan the Barbarian – Probably the Greatest Movie Ever Made
- Michael F. Assbender is in Everything
- Reasons Why Predator is Better than The King’s Speech
- Okami is the Poor Man’s Zelda
- Avatard Me Up (AKA Everyone is an Idiot)
Let’s see if The Man allows me to go another year.
As you can see, the logo at the top of the page has changed once again. It’s the fourth banner featured at Awesomely Shitty. This stunning artwork was brought to you by Chaz the Silencer, the same genius who created the site’s second banner. He’s obviously a rock star, a sex god, and a pillar of humanity. Be sure to check out his blog to pay the man some respect. I really like this logo for a few reasons. First, the colors are fantastic. Second, it is unique and funny. And third, it features an example of something awesome and something shitty (with the shitty thing getting destroyed): Conan the Barbarian and Lucky Star. Well, I hope you like it, too, because you’ll be looking at it for at least a year. Hopefully, Awesomely Shitty will continue to be your go-to place for the worst reviews on the Internet in 2013!
The 2006 instant classic The Wicker Man starring Nicolas Cage has quite a few valuable lessons to teach us. Here’s a list of the things I took away from this thought-provoking cinematic masterpiece.
1) You don’t need good acting when the dialog is this amazing - Seriously, the dialog is stellar. It’s so goddamn good, they could have filmed the pages of the script and it would have been just as exciting. For example, in the very first scene, a waitress asks how a customer is doing. He answers, “Sorry, my mind was wandering” to which she deftly replies, “If I ate one of those burgers, I’d totally be in a trance, too.” Hilarious! A few moments later, Cage’s cop character pulls someone over and he asks, “You know why I stopped you?” The driver says, “Yeah.” And – scene! Amazing! Are we sure this movie wasn’t directed by Hitchcock?
2) It’s best to be as literal as possible - Cage gets a letter from Willow stating her daughter Rowan has been missing for 2 weeks. He talks to another cop, we have no idea who he is, but presumably he’s Cage’s boss or something. He explains the letter and says he is going to the island of Summersisle to investigate. The friend asks, “Who is she? An ex-girlfriend?” Cage answers, “No, we were engaged.” That’s right. Not an ex-girlfriend, an ex-fiance. How can we expect to live in a functional society unless we are being as literal as possible? I, for one, applaud Cage for being completely specific. If we don’t abide by the rules, then we are living in anarchy.
3) Drinking is good for you - Cage drinks mead almost immediately after stepping onto the island. What we didn’t see were all the deleted scenes where he got hammered on mead. In fact, Cage was probably drunk on mead the entire time he was filming The Wicker Man. How else could he have turned in such an inspired performance? Substances must have helped him along the way. And to be completely honest, drunk on mead is the only way to watch The Wicker Man.
Revolutionary Girl Utena is a hard show to describe. It is so complex, so intricate, has so many moving parts, that capturing everything in a coherent review is almost impossible. So, instead of trying to do that, I’m just going to give you my thoughts on this anime’s various aspects.
As a brief synopsis, Utena tells the story of Utena Tenjou, a tomboyish teenage girl who is newly enrolled at Ohtori Academy. She wears a ring with a rose crest on it which was given to her by a prince when she was a child. Upon entering school, she quickly learns that several other people wear the same ring. People who wear the ring are allowed to fight in sword duels for the chance of winning the “Rose Bride.” The Rose Bride is Anthy Himemiya, a completely submissive woman who is essentially a slave to the current dueling champion. Utena is disgusted by this, and fights to save Anthy and treat her as a friend and human being. As the show progresses, more truths are revealed, and it is learned that whoever is the ultimate champion of dueling will be offered the chance to “revolutionize the world.”
That’s about as concrete a synopsis as you can get with this series. From that point on the audience is treated (or subjected, depending on your point of view) to a multitude of allusions, illusions, metaphors, and psycho-sexual imagery. Nearly every character, relationship, and duel contains far more depth than what is presented on the surface. To get a good handle on everything would require many repeated viewings. Utena is one of those series which is famously accused of not really being about anything, and just throwing weird shit at the viewer for the sake of being obtuse and weird. But if you pay attention, you’ll find this really isn’t the case at all. There is a lot of depth and meaning to be found. All you need to do is pay attention. Unfortunately, paying attention is something really difficult for moe-loving, mouth-breathing otaku.
So what is this anime about? That’s easy, lesbians. Yep, that’s it. Case closed. Oh wait. It’s not? OK, OK, let’s try this again.
I thought this was going to be a porno. Look at the title. Money-ball. Anyway, this movie was actually pretty good even though it wasn’t a porno. It is based on the idea that you don’t need to waste a lot of money getting the biggest sports stars (usually the biggest assholes, too) in order to have a winning team. You hire the guys who have consistent stats, who aren’t flashy but have good fundamentals, and eventually you win games by sheer statistics. This appeals to me, because it means you don’t need those narcissistic fuckos who think they are King Shit of the sport. I hope those guys will eventually get paid less because of this. But probably not. We’ll continue to throw ourselves at the alter of sports celebrity. “LOL BUT BRIK TEHY ARE SUPAR TALENTED THEY TOTALY NEED TO MAKE $7.5 MILLION A YEAR TO THROW A BALL LOL!” *sigh*
So, the movie told an interesting story, and definitely a unique one in the vast field of derivative sports films. Brad Pitt turned in a strong performance. The directing was good. There was humor in the right places. The only thing that didn’t work was the treacly, forced “heartwarming” relationship between Pitt and his daughter. It was like some producer was yelling: “THERE ISN’T ENOUGH HEART IN THIS MOVIE! WE NEED TO HAVE HEART! SOMEONE GET A TWEEN AND HAVE HER PLAY A GUITAR! THAT WAY PEOPLE WILL KNOW THIS MOVIE HAS HEART!” Aside from that misstep, it was a good movie, and is worth checking out.
Alias season 3
While seasons 1 and 2 delivered fairly consistent entertainment, season 3 took a nosedive into a giant pool of shit. The plot was nonsensical. Sydney goes missing for 2 years and has amnesia of only those two years she was gone. Yeah, cause that’s how amnesia works (not). The initial focus is to figure out where she was and what she was doing. Of course, the CIA unquestioningly welcomes her back (yeah, right), and immediately starts sending her out on dangerous missions (yeah, right). Eventually, the writers got bored/confused by this plotline, and just ended it halfway through the season when an old guest star shows up and says, “LOL SYDNEY I KNOW WHERE YOU’VE BEEN FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS AND NOW LET ME EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO YOU IN THE MOST BORING WAY IMAGINABLE INSTEAD OF TREATING THE AUDIENCE TO SOMETHING INTERESTING AND THEN WE’LL ALL COMPLETELY FORGET ABOUT THIS STORYLINE LOL!”
The remainder of the season makes no sense. Vaughn’s wife Lauren turns out to be a double agent who isn’t field trained, and then suddenly is a bad-ass on par with James Bond. Lauren and Sark head up the bad guys’ U.S. field office (which apparently has no other members), but then suddenly they are both answering to Lauren’s mom who is also a villain (and kills her senator husband) for no discernible reason. Things get more and more ridiculous: Jack IM-chats with Irina and tells her he loves her even though she is an internationally wanted criminal and up until this point he wanted to kill her, Jack helps Sloane fake his own death, Sloane may be Sydney’s biological father but that plot point is dropped almost immediately, the Rambaldi stuff makes no sense, the Lazare stuff makes no sense, Senator Lindsey is good one moment and then bad the next, all of the Triad stuff from season 2 is never resolved, and worst of all, the primary focus of the season is a love triange between Sydney, Vaughn, and Lauren. Lame. This is one of the worst seasons of any TV series I have ever seen. In the first episode of season 4, Vaughn said, “Last year sucked!” Yes it did, Vaughn, yes it did. Apparently, the writers were well aware of the giant shit they took.
Breakfast at Tiffany’s is one of those “classic” movies you are supposed to like because film-fags said so. But it’s awful. I can’t think of a single redeeming aspect of this movie. Sure, it has George Peppard of A-Team fame, but that doesn’t enhance the movie. Maybe if halfway through Mr. T burst through a brick wall, gold chains glittering, a machine gun blasting, bullets ripping Holly Golightly’s flesh into threads, the movie could have been cool. But that didn’t happen, so it’s a piece of shit.
The actual breakfast at Tiffany’s is the first scene of the movie. But it’s so vague you have no idea what the fuck is happening. Holly stands outside the store some time before it opens and eats a pastry. That’s it. That was the breakfast at Tiffany’s. Well, the breakfast outside Tiffany’s at any rate. I guess you could end the movie right there. It would be preferable to the non-stop shitfest that follows. And believe me, it is a shitfest. Breakfast at Tiffany’s is boring, has shitty dialogue, a retarded protagonist, and it’s incredibly racist, too. It really has it all. Continue reading ‘Classically Shitty: Breakfast at Tiffany’s’
Everybody hates it when their favorite website changes. Whether it’s the background, the header, the formatting, or an entirely new theme. Change throws people into panic and rage. Fortunately, Awesomely Shitty is no one’s favorite website, so I don’t think anyone will mind if I change the logo. Many thanks go out to myself for the fantastic design this year. Feel free to leave your comments about how much I ruined the website by changing the logo. Or don’t.
Conan the Barbarian is probably the greatest movie ever made. I recently rewatched it on Blu-Ray for the 11,000th time. The sheer bliss I experienced while watching all that cinematic sex and carnage led me to realize that this is probably the pinnacle of human creation. No one will ever make a piece of art more endearing, more inspiring than this film. So why is Conan the Barbarian the greatest movie ever made? Let’s take a look at some of the reasons.
1.) Sword Fighting – Whenever you include sword fighting, it ALWAYS improves the quality of your movie. Just try to think of one movie that wasn’t improved by sword fighting. You can’t. It doesn’t exist. A movie with sword fighting is going to be better than one without, every single time. Take a look at this picture from 500 Days of Summer.
It looks fine and all, but compare it to this picture from Conan the Barbarian.
The improvements are obvious. Clearly, the addition of the sword makes Conan the better film.