Posts Tagged ‘Conan

22
Feb
13

Brik Hates the Academy Awards: 80s Edition

It’s no mystery that I hate the Academy Awards. Hollywood spends half the year binging on cocaine and hookers and the other half praising themselves for it. No other industry exerts so much energy and spends so much money on self-congratulatory masturbation than the film industry. These sick fucks have the cushiest, easiest jobs in the world, and they act like what they do is some kind of goddamn accomplishment. “LOL OH LOOK I JUST RECITED SOME LINES SOMEONE ELSE WROTE FOR ME AND SHED A TEAR AT THE SAME TIME! I’M A FUCKING ACTING GOD! QUICK SOMEBODY GIVE ME FIFTY AWARDS LOL!”

In theory, I could get behind the awards if they actually awarded things that were deserving. You know, giving a Best Picture award to the best movie of the year. But the Academy rarely gives that award to the best movie of the year. Hell, they don’t even give it to the most popular movie of the year. Usually, they give it to whatever cool person produced the movie, or to the most obscure, independent, foreign piece of shit they can find. Typically, no one in the mainstream public will have even seen the winner.

They’ve been pulling this shit for years. So, I decided to analyze the past years, offer my own nominees, and declare new winners. Best movie isn’t the one that makes you cry or makes you think. Best movie is the one that you want to revisit over and over again. A movie you watch once and never again isn’t good. It’s only good if you can’t help but watch it a million times. Rewatchability is the hallmark of something great.

This time around, I’ll be taking a look at the Best Picture winners from the 1980s.

Continue reading ‘Brik Hates the Academy Awards: 80s Edition’

02
Sep
12

Classically Shitty: Raging Bull

Raging pug?

Raging Bull is another one of those “classic” movies the film-fags love. Just take a look at this quote from a professional film critic. It pretty much sums up everything the film-fags think about this movie: “An essential addition to the libraries of all true cinephiles, the film is a triumph both for De Niro and his director, Martin Scorsese.”

It’s amazing to me that these fuckers loved this piece of shit so much. It also amazes me how film-fags refer to themselves as “cinephiles,” which is one of the most pretentious -sounding things I’ve ever heard. These people probably sit around in their skinny jeans, berets and striped shirts, smoking cigarettes, eating baguettes, and talking in fake French accents about how their taste in movies runs so much deeper than that of the average person.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the capability to express in words how much this movie sucks ass. The English language doesn’t have strong enough curse words to truly convey my hatred for Raging Bull. So, I decided to illustrate my reactions to the viewing experience by showing you pictures of pugs.

Continue reading ‘Classically Shitty: Raging Bull’

24
Mar
12

The Zen of Spam 2

Maintaining a blog for three and a half years has its perks. One of the best parts is getting great spam messages in the comment inbox. While most of them are links to porn sites or incoherent gibberish, there are some that are comedic gems. I have listed some of my favorites, in no particular order. Read them and meditate. To understand them is to achieve enlightenment.

  • Hi Jslittlelady, Enjoyed your post, sure did bring back some memories. I have come to really love the OTK spankings, they are my favorite. .I hate it when sailor puts me over the bed, then I know I am really in for it. .Hugs .Lil Sam
Dude, I think you got the wrong blog. Jslittlelady does not work here. And which post reminded you of a sailor putting you over a bed and spanking you? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that some people are able to get off just by reading Awesomely Shitty. After all, it is an amazing blog.
  • Alright this is my final idea, CPBO: Club Penguin Black Ops. I was thinking maybe it could be a secret branch of CPR. I have the uniform already too, The Rescue helmet,Red sun glasses, Red guitar, Climbing Backpack, Hiking boots, and the Ninja Suit ( cause the Black Ops need to be the best ). Thats my army idea. Please approve. O and if you approve i was thinking our first mission could be to go undercover and see if ACP is really “Attackers/Anti Club Pengiun or Army of Club Penguin”. Once again please approve. Takashiemiko Rangers Lead The Way!!
Club Penguin Black Ops? As a secret branch of CPR? So while you’re doing chest compressions some ninjas in penguin suits come in to attack backpackers? Now I’m starting to get confused. I really don’t see how that’s going to improve CPR, but I guess I’ll try anything once.
What is it that I’m not supposed to know about gays? I know they can be like a secret society, but is this some kind of doomsday warning? Please tell me! Now I’m getting really worried! And what does this have to do with Conan the Barbarian? Does it promote some kind of secret gay agenda? Somebody help! Continue reading ‘The Zen of Spam 2′
04
Mar
12

Classically Shitty: Citizen Kane – A Tale of Forbidden Love

I bet Kane wishes Leland was underneath him right now.

Extra! Extra! Read All About it!

Greatest Film of All Time Reviewed by BrikHaus!

Citizen Kane is considered to be the greatest film of all time. Rotten Tomatoes gives it a score of 100%, the American Film Institute (whatever the fuck that is) ranked it as the #1 film ever made (apparently they haven’t seen Conan the Barbarian), and every film school instructor in the world jerks off to it on a regular basis. The real question we should be asking is: Why? Why do so many people give so many shits about this movie?

Film-fags will throw around terms like, “Deep Focus” and “Low-Angle Shots” and “Lightning Mix.” Those are film-making techniques that director Orson Welles helped to pioneer in this movie. Innovative techniques are not a reason for Citizen Kane to be called the greatest movie of all time. That would be like saying the 1893 Duryea Motor Wagon was the greatest car of all time because it had a 4 horsepower, single cylinder gasoline engine, a friction transmission, a spray carburetor, and low tension ignition.

You could say that Orson Welles is the “greatest pioneering film director of all time” but that has little to do with his movie being the best ever. So, again, why do people fawn all over this movie? Here’s why: it’s about gays. Yes, that’s right. It was a pioneering film with a rich subtext about a homosexual love affair. Orson Welles had HUGE balls to make a movie about gay love in 1941, and that is the reason it remains such a beloved classic to this day.

Continue reading ‘Classically Shitty: Citizen Kane – A Tale of Forbidden Love’

07
Jan
12

Conan the Barbarian – Probably the Greatest Movie Ever Made

Conan the Barbarian is probably the greatest movie ever made. I recently rewatched it on Blu-Ray for the 11,000th time. The sheer bliss I experienced while watching all that cinematic sex and carnage led me to realize that this is probably the pinnacle of human creation. No one will ever make a piece of art more endearing, more inspiring than this film. So why is Conan the Barbarian the greatest movie ever made? Let’s take a look at some of the reasons.

1.) Sword Fighting – Whenever you include sword fighting, it ALWAYS improves the quality of your movie. Just try to think of one movie that wasn’t improved by sword fighting. You can’t. It doesn’t exist. A movie with sword fighting is going to be better than one without, every single time. Take a look at this picture from 500 Days of Summer.

JGL and Zooey: an indie match made in heaven.

It looks fine and all, but compare it to this picture from Conan the Barbarian.

Bloody swords improve everything 100 fold

The improvements are obvious. Clearly, the addition of the sword makes Conan the better film.

Continue reading ‘Conan the Barbarian – Probably the Greatest Movie Ever Made’




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