Posts Tagged ‘hollywood
Tags: academy awards, American Beauty, Anime, Arnold Schwarzenegger, awards, Braveheart, Bruce Willis, Clint Eastwood, Dances with Wolves, Forrest Gump, Get Shorty, hollywood, Jeff Bridges, Jurassic Park, Michael Bay, Nicolas Cage, oscars, Saving Private Ryan, Schindler's List, Sean Connery, Shakespeare in Love, Shawshank Redemption, Silence of the Lambs, Steven Spielberg, Terminator 2, The Big Lebowski, The English Patient, The Fifth Element, The Matrix, The Rock, titanic, Total Recall, Unforgiven
It’s no mystery that I hate the Academy Awards. Hollywood spends half the year binging on cocaine and hookers and the other half praising themselves for it. No other industry exerts so much energy and spends so much money on self-congratulatory masturbation than the film industry. These sick fucks have the cushiest, easiest jobs in the world, and they act like what they do is some kind of goddamn accomplishment. “LOL OH LOOK I JUST RECITED SOME LINES SOMEONE ELSE WROTE FOR ME AND SHED A TEAR AT THE SAME TIME! I’M A FUCKING ACTING GOD! QUICK SOMEBODY GIVE ME FIFTY AWARDS LOL!” In theory, I could get behind the awards if they actually awarded things that were deserving. You know, giving a Best Picture award to the best movie of the year. But the Academy rarely gives that award to the best movie of the year. Hell, they don’t even give it to the most popular movie of the year. Usually, they give it to whatever cool person produced the movie, or to the most obscure, independent, foreign piece of shit they can find. Typically, no one in the mainstream public will have even seen the winner. They’ve been pulling this shit for years. So, I decided to analyze the past years, offer my own nominees, and declare new winners. Best movie isn’t the one that makes you cry or makes you think. Best movie is the one that you want to revisit over and over again. A movie you watch once and never again isn’t good. It’s only good if you can’t help but watch it a million times. Rewatchability is the hallmark of something great.
People are assholes.
There is no sense of common courtesy anymore. Everyone just cares about themselves and nobody gives a fuck about others.
That much became clear to me recently when Mrs. Brik and I went to the movies. The film itself isn’t important. What is important is how it got disrupted by a couple of big fucking douchebags. We were watching the movie and having a good time. More than anything, just getting out of the house, regardless of what cinematic turd we watch, can be an enjoyable endeavor. This movie has been out for a while, and the theater was only about 20% full. We were not in the last row, but near the back and no one else was behind us.
The movie was only 95 minutes long. These two assholes walk in, I shit you not, 60 minutes into the film. They drop themselves into empty seats two rows behind us with a mighty thump. I thought the chairs were going to break. They start chomping on some popcorn so loudly it sounded like they were grinding nuts and bolts from ACE Hardware. Seriously, I have never even noticed people eating popcorn around me in a movie before this. I couldn’t hear Mrs. Brik chewing popcorn next to me. But now I can hear these two fuckers chowing down two fucking rows back! Jesus Christ.
For the first 5 minutes or so, they were just eating loudly. It was annoying, sure, but maybe they had traumatic brain injuries or something and didn’t know how to eat in public. But then, as the movie entered the third act, they decided it was time to start talking.
They were chatting about everyday crap, gossiping about some bullshit friend/relationship drama, and occasionally laughing. And not a normal hushed chuckle like you’d expect when your friend makes a witty one-liner about the movie. Oh no, not that at all. The guy would guffaw and the girl would hysterically cackle, and both of them would do it as loudly as humanly possible. It wasn’t directed at the movie either, because it would be during a lull or in the middle of an action sequence. It was clearly tied to their bullshit banter.
It goes without saying that I was super pissed off. It took me right out of the movie; I could no longer follow it. All I could manage to follow was that Brenda was dating Barry and Barry was also with Shaniqua and Barry’s baby mama Rene was trying to win him back but if Rene’s dad Leroy found out he would probably kill Barry. THAT’S what I got out of the final third of the movie. I couldn’t tell you what the fuck happened on screen.
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR GODDAMN MANNERS?! WHO THE FUCK RAISED YOU TO ACT LIKE THAT?!
These assholes got plenty of “shushs” from the other people in the audience, and one guy even got up, walked back to where they were sitting, and told them to shut the fuck up. So, they were not just bothering me. They quieted for maybe a minute, two if I’m being generous, but then got right back to the cacophony of verbal diarrhea.
Finally, and this is the best part, they left the movie when there was about 5 minutes left. While I was able to comprehend the climax, a great deal was lost because I couldn’t concentrate on anything leading up to that moment.
As we were driving home, I got to thinking about this bizarre event. These two people paid full price for tickets and then bought popcorn and presumably soda to go along with it. That probably cost them around $35 total. And for what? To catch 30 minutes of a random action/sci-fi movie, and then leave just before it ends? They weren’t even watching it in the first place! And no, they were not just killing time in there until the movie they really wanted to see started, because this was the last showing of any movie for the day. I guess they could have finished the movie they came to see and then jumped into this one for the hell of it, but nobody does that. When your movie is over, you go home. If you theater hop, you don’t do it when there aren’t any other showings.
So, I’m not sure what these fuckos were up to. It seems like their sole purpose that evening was to blow $35 just to ruin a movie for some unfortunate theater goers. Why would you waste your money like that? Why not make some popcorn at home, order a pizza, and watch a Netflix all for $10 instead — AND you can gossip and laugh like morons to your heart’s content? They didn’t do that because they’re self-absorbed, oblivious assholes.
Fuck those fuckers.
This is why I stopped going to the movies in the first place. Guess I won’t be going back anytime soon.
Charles Portis probably never thought his book True Grit would be transformed into not one but two Hollywood films. The book was published in 1968 as a sort-of satire/sort-of realistic version of the Old West. Even more surprising is that two movie sequels emerged several years later, further chronicling the exploits of Marshal Rooster Cogburn.
The first movie was the 1969 film True Grit starring John Wayne and directed by Henry Hathaway. The first sequel was titled Rooster Cogburn, produced in 1975, and featured Wayne reprising the role that won him a Best Actor Academy Award. The second sequel, True Grit: A Further Adventure, was made for television in 1978 and starred Warren Oates. Made for TV movies aren’t necessarily bad, but they usually aren’t the highest quality. Not being a fan of unnecessary sequels, I never bothered with either of these. True Grit tells a stand-alone story, with everything wrapping up nicely at the end. There was no need for more. Sadly, Hollywood feels the need to sequelize everything just because the first one was popular.
Wallflower: noun – A person who from shyness or unpopularity remains on the sidelines of a social activity.
Right off the bat, this movie screams overwrought indie trash. I can’t think of a bigger cliche than the tale of a bunch of misfits who band together to deal with the trials of high school, and learn from each other while they grow into adults. Barf.
The main character, Charlie Dipshit, starts off as a wallflower. He’s a kid that was shy and unpopular, and didn’t have any friends going into high school. Apparently, he had one friend, but that kid killed himself. Honestly, if I was such a loser that Charlie was one of my friends, I’d probably kill myself, too. Anyway, Wallflower Charlie Dipshit doesn’t know anybody in high school, and the only “friend” he can make in his first day of school is his English teacher, Paul Rudd.
I’m not exactly sure how Wallflower Charlie Dipshit can have absolutely no friends. Did he get held back in school? Apparently not, because he’s a genius, which is another giant cliche. Puke. The movie states he has no friends because he has “mental problems” and therefore nobody likes him. Actually, this could have an element of truth to it, as there is a giant social stigma attached to mental illness. However, Charlie looks around at his freshman classmates like he is a new kid in town, and knows no one. He would know some of these people, because he’s been going to school with them for the last 9 years. So, the movie fails with its opening statement of why Wallflower Loser Charlie Dipshit has no friends.