Posts Tagged ‘hollywood

05
Apr
14

Identity Thief, The World’s End

Identify Thief

I hate this movie so much.

This is a classic, stupid, road-trip, piece-of-shit movie that Hollywood loves to produce and defecate on the masses every year. The set-up is as generic as possible. Jason Bateman plays an average, everyday schmuck who has his identity stolen by brash, morbidly obese Melissa McCarthy. She has stolen his identity, racked up huge credit card bills, and put him in trouble with his employer. He travels across the country to set things right. What happens next is a prolonged road-trip where he uses her to clear up all the problems with his employer. Of course, in typically cliche fashion, they learn from one another and becomes friends in the process. This story has been told a billion times before, and this movie brings nothing new to the table. The characters are completely bland and one-dimensional. McCarthy uses physical “comedy” to elicit laughs from the audience. She punches a lot of people in the balls and runs away. This, I think, is the primary gag in the movie. It is also a sad commentary on what this film is. It’s a punch in the balls to the audience. If you paid money to see this shit, you got punched in the balls. If you saw it for free on Netflix, you still got punched in the balls, because this movie sucked 111 minutes of your life away. Don’t waste your time with this stinky piece of shit.
Verdict: Shitty
The World’s End

British culture summarized in a single picture.

The World’s End is directed by Edgar Wright, starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, and written by Wright and Pegg. It features the exploits of 6 childhood friends who return to their hometown to complete a famous pub crawl called “The Golden Mile.” The final pub on the crawl is the aptly named “World’s End.” The movie also forms the third act of the loose thematic “Cornetto Trilogy.” It’s one of those trilogies where none of the movies have anything in common except for the actors, director, and some thematic elements. I call bullshit on the fact they planned this as a trilogy. I bet they never had any consciousness of a trilogy back when they made the first or even second installments, but it only dawned on them when this movie went into production. In any case, the movie shows how different each of the 6 friends have become. Five of them have grown up, but one, Gary King played by Pegg, is still living life like he was 18 years old. He’s a drunk, a drug-addict, and an all-around loser. He revels in the nostalgia the pub crawl brings, while his other friends are wary of it. As the pub crawl goes on, the comedy becomes greater, and the characters warm up to each other. It seemed like things were really going to get deep, with serious character introspection, when the film throws a sudden curveball. It turns out that the town has been overrun by alien/bodysnatching robots. They started with this small town, and have plans for global domination. Only the 6 friends stand in their way. Things go balls-out crazy from this point forward. There are zany action scenes, chase sequences, killer robots, and heaping doses of comedy throughout the final act. The film turns itself into a commentary on our modern society and how everything has become homogenized (essentially all the pubs are identical) and how we have become like zombies, enslaved by our own technology. Zombies, hmm, yes, the alien robots are pretty much exactly like zombies. Which brings me to my biggest complaint about the film. The first film in the “Cornetto Trilogy,” Shaun of the Dead, was a spoof on zombie movies. The second, Hot Fuzz, was a spoof on cop movies. This film, sort of backtracks and does the zombie thing again. The town is overrun, the heroes are outnumbered, and slowly they are all turned into alien robots. They already did this before, and it seems like the filmmakers are spinning their wheels. The other problem was that the character depth we were just on the brink of experiencing was thrown away in favor of chases and fights. The characters do show growth by the end, but only in the most superficial ways (Gary quits drinking). To be perfectly honest, I greatly preferred the first half of the film. I want to see more of that, I want to see where those characters go in an organic way, without all the gimmickry of alien robots. Alas, we’ll never know. Overall, though, this was a fun movie. It was about something, had a deeper message, and had great action and comedy. Of the “Cornette Trilogy,” I’d say it’s my second favorite entry. Here’s how I would rank all three films:
Hot Fuzz > The World’s End > Shaun of the Dead
Verdict: Good
22
Mar
14

Veronica Mars: The Movie

A long time ago, we used to be friends.

If you’ve never seen the TV show Veronica Mars, then don’t make the movie your introduction. You won’t get it. Sure, you’ll be able to follow the story, but you’ll miss the inside jokes and you won’t appreciate the cameos from the various cast members. If you have seen Veronica Mars and are a fan, then chances are you’ve already seen the movie. If you’ve never seen the show, it’s about a teenage girl who moonlights as a private detective. She’s like the high school version of Philip Marlowe. And as ridiculous as the concept seemed, it somehow worked.
Mrs. Brik is a die-hard Veronica Mars fan. She used my hard-earned money to help fund the Kickstarter to get the movie made. I’m sure you know that story, how this is the largest fan-funded movie of all time. Veronica Mars fans are crazy and love them some Kristin Bell. They would jump at any chance to revisit the show.
The series had no sense of closure after it was unceremoniously cancelled in 2007 in favor of a Pussycat Dolls reality show. Great move, CW, way to go, how are the Pussycat Dolls doing these days? The movie was made not just to see our favorite characters again, but to provide a more appropriate conclusion to the series. So, how did it turn out? Continue reading ‘Veronica Mars: The Movie’
08
Mar
14

The Expendables, Argo

The Expendables

They’re all so old and veiny.

Stallone hasn’t given up the mantle yet. He still thinks he can carry a testosterone-fueled homage to 1980s  action films. You know what? He can’t. It’s not even that he’s too old for the role. He played his character just fine, his acting (whether you like it or not) hasn’t gotten any worse over the years. He has charisma, and he is certainly watchable on screen. But he can’t carry such a bloated train wreck of a film. It’s just too terrible a movie, regardless of how likable Stallone may be. I wanted to like this movie, I really did. After all, I love schlocky 80s shoot-em-up movies. I grew up on that shit, and can’t get enough of it. But as I said before, that stuff was a product of its era. It worked then, but it no longer works today. You can’t revisit the past, no matter how hard Stallone wants to. Anyway, The Expendables tried to evoke this bygone era, but it failed miserably. The storyline was paper-thin, the acting was passable at best, the characters were one-dimensional, and the action scenes were a bore. The action scenes should have been the highlight, but they were tired and uninventive. Plus, with copious amounts of CGI blood and knives, it looked fake as hell. There were too many characters, so many that none of them had any personality. Stallone (as writer and director) should have pared down the cast to maybe three main characters in order to flesh them out a bit, to give the audience a chance to care about them. But, no, he was more interested in cramming the cast with as many fading stars as possible to do that. The only way he could have made this film work was to inject it with a lot more comedy, and make it a tongue-in-cheek look back at how crazy the old 80s action movies were. Then it could have been really cool. But he made the film serious and un-self-aware, and it failed as a result.
Verdict: Shitty
Argo

70s fashion deserves to be held hostage in Iran.

Everyone in the movie industry was tripping over themselves to talk about how much they loved this film. But they didn’t just “love” it, they were jizzing all over it. Gushing about the story, the performances, the directing, the bulge in Ben Affleck’s pants, etc. The movie industry couldn’t have been more gay for this film if they tried. And why? Well, Hollywood is always eager to jerk itself off. And what better way than with a film that shows how Hollywood saved lives. Yes, Argo is a movie about how a fake movie saved the lives of hostages. It’s “based on a true story”, whatever that means, and it’s a total wank fest. Affleck stars as a CIA agent who infiltrates Iran under the guise of a film producer scouting locations for a sci-fi movie. He uses his cover to extract the hostages (well, technically they weren’t hostages, they were people in hiding trying to avoid becoming hostages) and get them back to the U.S. The premise, I’ll admit, is pretty cool, and if it hadn’t really happened, you wouldn’t believe it for a second. Affleck does provide some solid directing, giving the film comedy when it needs it, drama when appropriate, and a healthy dose of tension in the climax. The acting is pretty good, but Affleck is the weakest link in the cast. A director with good sense would have hired the best actor available to be the star of the film. But Affleck made himself the star. He didn’t do a bad job, per se, but the movie could have been truly excellent if he had put someone with range in front of the camera. Nevertheless, Argo had thrills and laughs and everything you’d want in a movie. The acting, though, leaves something to be desired, and the story is obviously punched up for the audience. The fact that Hollywood loves itself is never more apparent than watching this film, and then seeing how it won every award possible thereafter.
Verdict: Average
01
Mar
14

Brik Hates the Academy Awards: 90s Edition

It’s no mystery that I hate the Academy Awards. Hollywood spends half the year binging on cocaine and hookers and the other half praising themselves for it. No other industry exerts so much energy and spends so much money on self-congratulatory masturbation than the film industry. These sick fucks have the cushiest, easiest jobs in the world, and they act like what they do is some kind of goddamn accomplishment. “LOL OH LOOK I JUST RECITED SOME LINES SOMEONE ELSE WROTE FOR ME AND SHED A TEAR AT THE SAME TIME! I’M A FUCKING ACTING GOD! QUICK SOMEBODY GIVE ME FIFTY AWARDS LOL!” In theory, I could get behind the awards if they actually awarded things that were deserving. You know, giving a Best Picture award to the best movie of the year. But the Academy rarely gives that award to the best movie of the year. Hell, they don’t even give it to the most popular movie of the year. Usually, they give it to whatever cool person produced the movie, or to the most obscure, independent, foreign piece of shit they can find. Typically, no one in the mainstream public will have even seen the winner. They’ve been pulling this shit for years. So, I decided to analyze the past years, offer my own nominees, and declare new winners. Best movie isn’t the one that makes you cry or makes you think. Best movie is the one that you want to revisit over and over again. A movie you watch once and never again isn’t good. It’s only good if you can’t help but watch it a million times. Rewatchability is the hallmark of something great.

This time around, I’ll be taking a look at the Best Picture winners from the 1990s.
15
Feb
14

Iron Sky

They even have to “heil” on the moon.

Iron Sky is one of those movies that has a great concept and absolutely horrible execution. The plot is about a group of Nazis who escaped Earth in 1945 and colonized the dark side of the moon. They’ve been spending years building their space armada with plans to eventually return as a conquering force. It has all the trappings of what could be a cheesy yet brilliant sci-fi parody film. Iron Sky certainly gets the cheesy part right, but it fails everywhere else.
There are loads of problems with this movie. The writing, the acting (or perhaps over-acting), the directing, pretty much everything except the CGI was horrendous. The CGI surprisingly looked pretty good. That’s the only thing Iron Sky has going for it. And that certainly isn’t worth the price of admission. FYI, the price of admission is free on Netflix, but it’s still not worth it.
11
Jan
14

Ted is Stuffed Full of Shit

“From the creator of Family Guy”? There’s a real selling point.

Seth MacFarlane has taken a massive dump on the public once again. His directorial debut is nothing more than a rehash of the same tired jokes and pathetic characters he’s been shitting at us for over a decade. This time movie-goers were subjected to his lame brand of “comedy.”
The biggest problem is that Seth MacFarlane has one idea. That is, a semi-dysfunctional family who resides in an everyday American town gets involved in wacky adventures with their talking animal. Family Guy: talking dog (which died and was replaced by another talking dog). American Dad: talking alien and talking goldfish. The Cleveland Show: talking bears. And now Ted: talking teddy bear. Clearly, MacFarlane is a one-trick pony. He has absolutely no other ideas. Hell, he already had a talking bear on The Cleveland Show, and he recycled that on Ted. For fuck’s sake, how does this guy keep getting license to create new shows when every show is already exactly the same as the last?
19
Oct
13

The Way Way Back, The Great Gatsby

The Way Way Back

We’ve all been under water?

The Way Way Back tells the story of 14 year old Duncan who is stuck on a summer vacation with his mom, her boyfriend Steve Carell, and his sister. The sister and Carell both hate Duncan. He acts like a whiny turd, so I don’t blame them. At first, I thought the lead in this movie was going to be even worse than that loser from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Actually, for about the first third of the movie, he was worse. Not only was he super-emo, he sulked around without even speaking and acted like a brat. Fortunately, once he got a job at the local water park, and had some “cool lessons” from Sam Rockwell, things started to pick up.
The beginning of the movie was painful. Duncan is an absolute bore to watch on the screen with all his moping around. Are we supposed to feel sorry for him? We aren’t given any reason to. We know nothing about him other than the fact that people dislike him. That’s not a good enough reason, Hollywood. Maybe everyone hates him for a reason. Maybe he’s the head of a neo-Nazi cult in his high school or something. You can’t have your lead character be a sad-sack and expect us to have sympathy for him just because. Anyway, like I said, things get a lot better once he starts working for Rockwell at the Water Wizz theme park.
21
Sep
13

You Just Wasted $35

I wish I could see my movies here.

People are assholes.

There is no sense of common courtesy anymore. Everyone just cares about themselves and nobody gives a fuck about others.

That much became clear to me recently when Mrs. Brik and I went to the movies. The film itself isn’t important. What is important is how it got disrupted by a couple of big fucking douchebags. We were watching the movie and having a good time. More than anything, just getting out of the house, regardless of what cinematic turd we watch, can be an enjoyable endeavor. This movie has been out for a while, and the theater was only about 20% full. We were not in the last row, but near the back and no one else was behind us.

The movie was only 95 minutes long. These two assholes walk in, I shit you not, 60 minutes into the film. They drop themselves into empty seats two rows behind us with a mighty thump. I thought the chairs were going to break. They start chomping on some popcorn so loudly it sounded like they were grinding nuts and bolts from ACE Hardware. Seriously, I have never even noticed people eating popcorn around me in a movie before this. I couldn’t hear Mrs. Brik chewing popcorn next to me. But now I can hear these two fuckers chowing down two fucking rows back! Jesus Christ.

For the first 5 minutes or so, they were just eating loudly. It was annoying, sure, but maybe they had traumatic brain injuries or something and didn’t know how to eat in public. But then, as the movie entered the third act, they decided it was time to start talking.

Believe me when I tell you that these guys NEVER shut up during a movie.

They were chatting about everyday crap, gossiping about some bullshit friend/relationship drama, and occasionally laughing. And not a normal hushed chuckle like you’d expect when your friend makes a witty one-liner about the movie. Oh no, not that at all. The guy would guffaw and the girl would hysterically cackle, and both of them would do it as loudly as humanly possible. It wasn’t directed at the movie either, because it would be during a lull or in the middle of an action sequence. It was clearly tied to their bullshit banter.

It goes without saying that I was super pissed off. It took me right out of the movie; I could no longer follow it. All I could manage to follow was that Brenda was dating Barry and Barry was also with Shaniqua and Barry’s baby mama Rene was trying to win him back but if Rene’s dad Leroy found out he would probably kill Barry. THAT’S what I got out of the final third of the movie. I couldn’t tell you what the fuck happened on screen.

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR GODDAMN MANNERS?! WHO THE FUCK RAISED YOU TO ACT LIKE THAT?!

These assholes got plenty of “shushs” from the other people in the audience, and one guy even got up, walked back to where they were sitting, and told them to shut the fuck up. So, they were not just bothering me. They quieted for maybe a minute, two if I’m being generous, but then got right back to the cacophony of verbal diarrhea.

Finally, and this is the best part, they left the movie when there was about 5 minutes left. While I was able to comprehend the climax, a great deal was lost because I couldn’t concentrate on anything leading up to that moment.

As we were driving home, I got to thinking about this bizarre event. These two people paid full price for tickets and then bought popcorn and presumably soda to go along with it. That probably cost them around $35 total. And for what? To catch 30 minutes of a random action/sci-fi movie, and then leave just before it ends? They weren’t even watching it in the first place! And no, they were not just killing time in there until the movie they really wanted to see started, because this was the last showing of any movie for the day. I guess they could have finished the movie they came to see and then jumped into this one for the hell of it, but nobody does that. When your movie is over, you go home. If you theater hop, you don’t do it when there aren’t any other showings.

So, I’m not sure what these fuckos were up to. It seems like their sole purpose that evening was to blow $35 just to ruin a movie for some unfortunate theater goers. Why would you waste your money like that? Why not make some popcorn at home, order a pizza, and watch a Netflix all for $10 instead — AND you can gossip and laugh like morons to your heart’s content? They didn’t do that because they’re self-absorbed, oblivious assholes.

Fuck those fuckers.

This is why I stopped going to the movies in the first place. Guess I won’t be going back anytime soon.

14
Sep
13

Movies > Books: True Grit

True Grit novel, reprinted edition.

Charles Portis probably never thought his book True Grit would be transformed into not one but two Hollywood films. The book was published in 1968 as a sort-of satire/sort-of realistic version of the Old West. Even more surprising is that two movie sequels emerged several years later, further chronicling the exploits of Marshal Rooster Cogburn.

The first movie was the 1969 film True Grit starring John Wayne and directed by Henry Hathaway. The first sequel was titled Rooster Cogburn, produced in 1975, and featured Wayne reprising the role that won him a Best Actor Academy Award. The second sequel, True Grit: A Further Adventure, was made for television in 1978 and starred Warren Oates. Made for TV movies aren’t necessarily bad, but they usually aren’t the highest quality. Not being a fan of unnecessary sequels, I never bothered with either of these. True Grit tells a stand-alone story, with everything wrapping up nicely at the end. There was no need for more. Sadly, Hollywood feels the need to sequelize everything just because the first one was popular.

Continue reading ‘Movies > Books: True Grit’

27
Jul
13

The Perks of Being a Wallflower (Spoilers: There Aren’t Any)

Which kid is supposed to be the interesting one?

Wallflower: noun – A person who from shyness or unpopularity remains on the sidelines of a social activity.

Right off the bat, this movie screams overwrought indie trash. I can’t think of a bigger cliche than the tale of a bunch of misfits who band together to deal with the trials of high school, and learn from each other while they grow into adults. Barf.

The main character, Charlie Dipshit, starts off as a wallflower. He’s a kid that was shy and unpopular, and didn’t have any friends going into high school. Apparently, he had one friend, but that kid killed himself. Honestly, if I was such a loser that Charlie was one of my friends, I’d probably kill myself, too. Anyway, Wallflower Charlie Dipshit doesn’t know anybody in high school, and the only “friend” he can make in his first day of school is his English teacher, Paul Rudd.

I’m not exactly sure how Wallflower Charlie Dipshit can have absolutely no friends. Did he get held back in school? Apparently not, because he’s a genius, which is another giant cliche. Puke. The movie states he has no friends because he has “mental problems” and therefore nobody likes him. Actually, this could have an element of truth to it, as there is a giant social stigma attached to mental illness. However, Charlie looks around at his freshman classmates like he is a new kid in town, and knows no one. He would know some of these people, because he’s been going to school with them for the last 9 years. So, the movie fails with its opening statement of why Wallflower Loser Charlie Dipshit has no friends.

Continue reading ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower (Spoilers: There Aren’t Any)’




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