Posts Tagged ‘Jaws

09
Nov
12

Movies > Books: Casino Royale

“Bond… Silhouette Bond.”

Every time a movie comes out that’s based on a book, people always shout, “LOL BUT TEH BOOK WAS SOOO MUCH BETTER LOL!”¬†Well, sometimes the movie can be better than the source material. In some cases, drastically so. Just because the source material is a book doesn’t mean the book is not a huge steaming pile of shit. Here’s an example:

In case it wasn’t already known, I am a huge fan of the James Bond film series. I have watched them all, own them all, and eagerly anticipate the release of each new movie. The successful franchise is based on a series of popular books. Since I’m illiterate I had never read any of the books, but I figured, what the hell, I should give one of them a try. Going in chronological order made sense, so I figured I’d start at the beginning.

The first book in the James Bond series is Casino Royale. It was written by Ian Fleming and published in 1953. He pretty much made the espionage genre of literature and films popular with this single work. There have been countless imitators since then, but there is only one James Bond. There was no way I was going to dislike this book. It was the first James Bond novel! It was going to be awesome! I sat down to read, and…

…holy shit this book is fucking terrible!

Continue reading ‘Movies > Books: Casino Royale’

19
Nov
11

Super 8 Super Sucked (AKA The Nostalgia Whore)

Apparently, everyone was cumming in their pants this summer over the new Spielberg movie, Super 8. Why? It can’t be because Spielberg is still relevant, because he’s not. The dude hasn’t directed a good movie since 1998. People act like he’s some kind of fucking omnipotent god of the cinema, but the reality is he just makes corny shit. Now I know what you’re thinking, “LOL BUT BRIK HE MAKES SUM GOOD MOVIES AND TEHY ARE TOTALY FUN AND AWESOME AND YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKIN ABOOT LOL!” Nothing in that statement is even remotely true or makes any sense. Let’s take a look at Spielberg’s filmography as a director from the last 10 years:

  1. A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001) – Boring shit that would have been better directed by Kubrick.
  2. Minority Report (2002) – Midget-sized Tom Cruise kidnaps some bitch and goes on the run.
  3. Catch Me If You Can (2002) – Boring unfunny comedy.
  4. The Terminal (2004) – Boring undramatic drama.
  5. War of the Worlds (2005) – Unnecessary remake of a movie about aliens who decimate the Earth, but didn’t think to bring space suits and don’t have any knowledge of immune systems.
  6. Munich (2005) – zzzzzZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZzzzzz
  7. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) – Teamed up with childhood-raping expert George Lucas to make this unnecessary sequel.
  8. War Horse (2011) – Gay.
  9. The Adventures of TinTin (2011) – Motion capture shit about some fucking French comic serial from the 30s-60s that no one cares about.

Spielberg built up a lot of street cred by making fun movies in the first phase of his career. He parlayed that into making serious films, which earned him critical acclaim in the second phase of his career. The third phase of Spielberg’s career has consisted of him jerking off while wondering what obscure shit from his childhood he can turn into a movie.

You see, now that he has a fanbase and a shitload of money, he’s just said “FUCK IT” and moved on to making self-indulgent masturbatory films for the benefit of no one. Go back and look at that list and tell me that even one of those movies is any better than mediocre. You can’t. Spielberg just isn’t trying anymore. He has so much goddamn money that his hunger and drive and desire to challenge himself and his audience is gone. He’s become so complacent that he’s incapable of directing something with soul or at the very least a good script.

Continue reading ‘Super 8 Super Sucked (AKA The Nostalgia Whore)’




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