Posts Tagged ‘Michael Bay

01
Mar
14

Brik Hates the Academy Awards: 90s Edition

It’s no mystery that I hate the Academy Awards. Hollywood spends half the year binging on cocaine and hookers and the other half praising themselves for it. No other industry exerts so much energy and spends so much money on self-congratulatory masturbation than the film industry. These sick fucks have the cushiest, easiest jobs in the world, and they act like what they do is some kind of goddamn accomplishment. “LOL OH LOOK I JUST RECITED SOME LINES SOMEONE ELSE WROTE FOR ME AND SHED A TEAR AT THE SAME TIME! I’M A FUCKING ACTING GOD! QUICK SOMEBODY GIVE ME FIFTY AWARDS LOL!” In theory, I could get behind the awards if they actually awarded things that were deserving. You know, giving a Best Picture award to the best movie of the year. But the Academy rarely gives that award to the best movie of the year. Hell, they don’t even give it to the most popular movie of the year. Usually, they give it to whatever cool person produced the movie, or to the most obscure, independent, foreign piece of shit they can find. Typically, no one in the mainstream public will have even seen the winner. They’ve been pulling this shit for years. So, I decided to analyze the past years, offer my own nominees, and declare new winners. Best movie isn’t the one that makes you cry or makes you think. Best movie is the one that you want to revisit over and over again. A movie you watch once and never again isn’t good. It’s only good if you can’t help but watch it a million times. Rewatchability is the hallmark of something great.

This time around, I’ll be taking a look at the Best Picture winners from the 1990s.
05
Oct
13

It’s Pilot Season – 2013

The Fall 2013 television season is upon us. And that means we’re inundated with the worst the networks have to offer. Each year brings us new series; a few will be great, but most will be unwatchable trash. There’s far too many horrible series out there for me to review them all. So, I’ve decided to watch the three biggest pilots of this season and review them. Please note, my reviews are not necessarily what I think of the entire series, but simply my thoughts on the pilot episode.
Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD

Yawn.

Holy fuck, we start right out the gate with a major shitfest. Even on paper, Agents of SHIELD sounds like a horrible idea. An Avenger’s show without the Avengers in it? What could go wrong? Recently, Fox picked up a show for the 2014 season that would feature Gotham city without Batman. People started making fun of it immediately and/or bemoaning how terrible an idea it is to do a Batman show without Batman. And you know what? Those people are absolutely right. Nobody gives a fuck about Gotham City without Batman. So, why would we give a fuck about SHIELD without the Avengers? The reason The Avengers was a massive hit was everybody wanted to see Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, and Hulk together on the big screen. I guaran-fucking-tee you that nobody said, “Ooohhh I can’t wait to see Agent Coulson and some other nondescript guys in black suits!” And that is exactly what Agents of SHIELD is. It’s a generic spy/sci-fi series about a bunch of nondescript guys in black suits. Watching it is painful. You just keep thinking, wouldn’t it be cool if Iron Man just blasted through a wall and started kicking some ass? But it’s not going to happen. Instead, we see a bunch of non-superheroes acting like a bunch of idiots. Thanks guys, if I wanted to see that, I could watch any other genre of film or television. From a conceptual standpoint alone, this series failed miserably.
19
Oct
12

I Finally Finished Blood+

Blood+ is an anime series that aired from October 8, 2005 until September 23, 2006. It aired weekly and broadcast a total of 50 episodes. I started watching it weekly, through torrents, in October 2005. And I finished watching it on… um, September 23, 2012. Holy shit! It took me forever to finish this goddamn show, and, completely unintentionally, I finished it the same day it finished airing, albeit 6 years later.

What took so long? It’s not that the show was particularly bad. It wasn’t. It was good enough. It was about vampires, and had plenty of action in almost every episode. But I found I just couldn’t get into it. I was always putting it on the back burner to watch something else. I would watch a handful of episodes at a time, and then put it on hold again for several months. By the time I finished it, I could hardly remember any of the plot points or characters that populated the show. It was like watching this weird, detached monstrosity that was entertaining, but I had no idea what was going on. That must be what it’s like to have Alzheimer’s Disease.

So, anyway, here’s a list of things that happened between the show beginning to air and my finishing it. Continue reading ‘I Finally Finished Blood+’

21
Sep
12

The Town, Red Sun

The Town

Da fackin’ cast of Da fackin’ Town.

“Hey Tawmmy, guess what? That cawksuckah Ben Affuck made a movie called The Town. This queah made a lawt of shitty movies in the past like Reindeah Games and Ahmahgedon. Now awll of a sudden he thinks he’s a fackin’ directah. Anyway, this heah movie is about some bank rawbbahs from Chahrlestown. They rawb a bunch’a banks in Bawston and try to get away from da Feds. Dougie, Jem, Gloansy, and Dez ah the robbahs and they do pretty good for awhile, until Dougie gets a hahd-on for a hawstage they took earliah named Claire. Dougie ain’t no queah like some guys I know from Southie, and he dates Claire for awhile and tries to keep his double lives separate. Meantime this big faggy retahd Fed dude named Frawley is goin’ after ‘em, tryin’ to put Dougie and his crew behind bahs. There’s a lot of shoot-outs and beatin’s and we get to see our fayah city of Bawston a lawt. It’s gawt some good writin’ and actin’ and Affuck does a fackin’ good job’a directin’. For a queah, anyway. Tawmmy, you should really check out this movie, it’s worth watchin’. Go Sawx!”

Verdict: Good

Red Sun

The cast of Red Sun

At first I thought this was going to be a comedy. It’s a 1971 film starring Charles Bronson and Toshiro Mifune that is about a cowboy and a samurai teaming up in the Wild West. How could it not be a comedy? Well, it’s not, it’s serious. Fortunately, they did infuse several funny moments and a few funny one-liners along the way. The film doesn’t take itself too seriously, but on the whole, yes, it is a regular Western. Where it lacks in the story department, it makes up for it with charm.

Bronson plays a charismatic outlaw who is forced to team up with Mifune who plays a stoic samurai (does he play anything else?). Their mission is to retrieve a stolen Japanese Imperial sword from Bronson’s former gang who betrayed him and left him for dead. Mifune and Bronson play surprisingly well off one another. They each get their moments to shine, with each besting the other in various scuffles, and each getting to kill plenty of bad guys with their special skills. Ursula Andress is the girl who provides little more than a nice body to look at. The villain is the bland Alain Delon, who apparently is famous, but from this role you’d never guess that.

If not for Mifune, this would be a generic and forgettable Western. However, his character lends a lot of originality to the movie which I’ve never seen anywhere else in the genre. Fortunately, the samurai acts like a samurai should, and doesn’t do a lot of horseshit you’d expect in a Hollywood movie. The movie loses a couple of points for having white guys play Indians, and a sort of derp-tastic finale. Otherwise, though, it’s solid. At least solid enough for an obscure, cult Western. Plus, it’s kind of cool to see Mifune speaking English.

The best part of all, was that I got this movie from Netflix, and the disc they sent me was a Chinese bootleg. It was obvious with all the Chinese characters on the menu, and to start the movie you click the Paly button. I hope Netflix continues to rent bootlegs. They rule.

Verdict: Average

17
Aug
12

Mission Impossible 4 IV Four Ghost Protocol

Cruise: “Make sure my name is above the title, OK?”

The problem with reading movie reviews before watching the movie is that it taints your expectations. This may come as a shock to you all (because I hate everything), but I actually like the Mission: Impossible film series. Despite Tom Cruise bouncing on Oprah’s couch, I’ve always enjoyed him in movies. And no, I’m not a Scientologist. Or am I? Anyway, back to my point. I had been following the reviews when this movie was released, it was getting great scores from the critics, and came in at a whopping 93% on Rotten Tomatoes. Well, if that’s the case, then the movie has to be good, right?

Wrong.

Continue reading ‘Mission Impossible 4 IV Four Ghost Protocol’

15
Jul
12

Happy (Shitty) Four Year Anniversary

Four years already, huh? That’s a long time filled with a lot of insults. If this blog was a four year old human, it would be able to do a lot of stuff by now, including:

  • Cooperates with other children –> there is a blog roll on the side of the page
  • Talks about interests and disinterests –> that much is obvious
  • Can’t tell the difference between real and make-believe –> that would explain my unadulterated rage
  • Knows basic rules of grammar such as “he” or “she” –> in light of the “irregardless” post, I’d say this is a yes
  • Can sing a song or poem such as “Wheels on the bus” –> at least this involves singing
  • Tells stories –> such as the Tale of the iPhone
  • Can say first and last name –> you mean “Awesomely” and “Shitty”, right?
  • Knows the names of some colors and numbers –> as long as they are black, white, red, orange, and blue – and let’s just forget the whole numbers thing
  • Understands the idea of counting –> Transformers 1, Transformers 2, Transformers 3, etc.
  • Uses scissors –> but only to cut out pictures of Michael F. Assbender and put them on my wall
  • Plays board or card games –> do drinking games count?
  • Hops and stands on one foot for two seconds –> too lazy to try
  • Catches a bounced ball –> too lazy to try
  • Can pour own drinks –> for the aforementioned drinking games

Wow, it’s just like this blog is a real person! So, happy (shitty) four year anniversary to me! Until next time, amigos (fuckos).

03
Dec
10

4 Horsemen of the Film-Making Apocalypse: Part 4 – M. Night Shyamalan

The Four Horsemen of the Film-Making Apocalypse - their true forms revealed.

For a long time I’ve been carefully watching for the end of the world. According to the Bible (the world’s most accurate and consistent book), the world will end in a fiery shit storm, ushered in by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Well, that time is here, albeit not in a form that anyone expected. In fact, all the pestilence, war, famine, and death are not coming literally, but figuratively in the world of cinema.

Horseman numero quatro is none other than M. Night Shyamalan. Actually, his name is Manoj Nelliyattu Shyamalan. I guess Night sounded cooler than Nelliyattu. Personally, I think he should just go with Shyamy, but that’s just me. Anyway, this guy’s films have grossed over $1 billion worldwide. That would make you think, “Oh wow, he must make some really great movies to bring in that kind of revenue.” Well, if you thought that, you’d be wrong. In fact, I can’t imagine any scenario where this guy’s movies even get financial backing let alone sell tickets. Here’s a sampling of his work:

  1. The Sixth Sense – OK, I actually liked this one, but so did everybody.
  2. Unbreakable – was ripped off to become the now-canceled TV series Heroes.
  3. Signs – It’s only natural for aliens who can be killed by water to invade a planet that is 70% H2O.
  4. The Village – plagiarized from a 1995 young adult book titled Running Out of Time. Well, it was plagiarized and then made much, much worse.
  5. Lady in the Water – Winner of Worst Screenplay, Worst Supporting Actor (Shyamalan), Worst Director, and Worst Picture by the Golden Raspberries in 2006.
  6. The Crappening – … err, sorry, The Happening.
  7. The Last Airbender“THEY STOLE THE TITLE TO OUR AVATAR MOVIE!”

I don’t even know where to begin with ol’ Shyamy. Somehow this guy is able to get huge studio financial backing and land A-list actors time and time again. He’s able to do all this despite having horrible reviews every single time he makes a new movie. In fact, with each subsequent movie, his reviews get worse and worse. Rotten Tomatoes gives his films the following grades: The Sixth Sense 85%, Unbreakable 68%, Signs 74%, The Village 42%, Lady in the Water 24%, The Happening 18%, and The Last Airbender 6%. Let’s use a visual example to further illustrate (image from FilmDrunk). Continue reading ’4 Horsemen of the Film-Making Apocalypse: Part 4 – M. Night Shyamalan’

11
Oct
10

4 Horsemen of the Film-Making Apocalypse: Part 2 – Michael Bay

 

The Four Horsemen of the Film-Making Apocalypse

 

For a long time I’ve been carefully watching for the end of the world. According to the Bible (the world’s most accurate and consistent book), the world will end in a fiery shit storm, ushered in by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Well, that time is here, albeit not in a form that anyone expected. In fact, all the pestilence, war, famine, and death are not coming literally, but figuratively in the world of cinema.

Horseman numero dos is none other than Michael Bay. Just like our friend Roland Emmerich, this guy’s “movies” have also grossed over $3 billion worldwide. It’s an impressive feat considering that his “movies” are little more than paper-thin stories used solely for the purpose of stringing together a series of explosions. Here is a list of some of this auteur’s “movies:” Continue reading ’4 Horsemen of the Film-Making Apocalypse: Part 2 – Michael Bay’

28
Aug
10

Can You Shut the Fuck Up While I’m Watching the Show?

I used to think that most people were like me, you know, rich, handsome, dashing multi-millionaires with countless ladies swooning at their feet. It wasn’t until later that I realized most people were actually not like me at all. While I prefer to be quiet and pay attention to a movie or TV show, most people do not. It seems that most people do not have the ability to shut the fuck up for a 30 minute – 2 hour period of time.

Whether it’s a TV show, a DVD at home, or a movie in the theater, people are constantly talking. This drives me fucking crazy. It’s something I don’t do, save for the occasional joke or random comment. If other people made a comment here or there, things would be fine. But people don’t do that. They feel the need to have an entire conversation throughout the course of the show.

Watching TV or a movie is not the same thing as going out for dinner. There are other people around who want to concentrate on what they paid money for, rather than hearing your inane drivel. This phenomenon seems to be getting worse every day. What is so hard about being quiet? Why is it only I seem to be able to do it? Maybe it’s natural selection? Either I have progressed to the next point in evolution or everyone else has devolved back to the apes.

Case in point: Mrs. Brik and I were at a friend’s house watching the premier of the third season of True Blood. We are big fans and so are our friends. Our friends had also invited other friends, one of their parents, some siblings, and their significant others. It wasn’t a big gathering. There were about 10 people altogether. I thought, “Oh cool, there are a bunch of True Blood fans here. This should be fun.” Of course, these thoughts were entirely incorrect. What I should have been thinking was, “Oh fuck, there are a bunch of talkative retards here. This should be a disaster.”

And a disaster it was. Half of the people there had never watched True Blood before. Two of the people who had seen the show spent every minute explaining shit to the people who hadn’t seen it. “Oh, that’s Sookie. She’s the main character. She has the power to read people’s minds. She is also dating Bill, who is a vampire. She lives in Bon Temps, Louisiana. Jason is her brother. She works as a waitress at a bar called Merlotte’s. At the end of the last season…” It was annoying because this happened every time a new character, location, or supernatural power appeared on screen.

If you are going to watch a serialized show, it would only make sense to start at the beginning and not jump in somewhere in the middle. Don’t expect people to tolerate you asking, “Who’s that? What’s going on? Why are the doing that?” every five minutes. If you are guilty of this kind of thing, here’s a tip for the future. Either start at the beginning, or be quiet and just hope things will start to make sense. If you don’t follow my advice, expect to get bludgeoned.

Worse than that, was this one girl’s boyfriend. Apparently this guy is a world class expert on vampires. He wouldn’t shut the fuck up throughout the whole episode. Every ten seconds he would have to interject a comment or personal insight regarding the mythology of the series. Imagine these quotes in your best, lispy nerd voice.

“Oh, I see that silver harms the vampires in this. That’s kind of lame. I prefer the traditional way of killing vampires. You know, with fire or beheading.”

The “traditional way,” asshole? I could have sworn the “traditional way” to kill vampires was a stake in the heart or sunlight, neither of which you mentioned. Besides, there is no “traditional way” to kill vampires. They are fucking fictional characters. There are no hard and fast rules about how to kill fictional characters. I didn’t realize I was dealing with a vampire scholar here. Traditional or not, all I care about is that the show is consistent. If they set up rules in the show’s universe (e.g. silver harms vampires), they should always stick with those rules. Hell, they could say that vampires could only be killed by a wooden stake up the ass, but as long as they didn’t deviate from that rule, I could care less.

Here are some other annoying quotes from that guy:

“Can vampires cross running water in this show?”

“Are vampires stronger than werewolves in this?”

“Does garlic do anything to vampires in this?”

“Oh, they don’t turn to dust when they are hit with a wooden stake? That is really lame.”

“I don’t think that sunlight should kill vampires. It should be more like in Dracula where their powers are weakened.”

And of course my favorite, and most relevant, comments of the night:

“The opening to this series isn’t nearly as good as the opening to Dexter.”

“You know, the characters in Dexter are so good.”

“I think the sex scenes in Dexter are better.”

Wow. Way to have a hard-on for Dexter. Why the fuck would you compare the openings (or any aspects) of Dexter and True Blood? The only thing these shows have in common is that they are both on TV. Also, way to talk through the entire show, motherfucker. Would it have killed that guy to shut up for a fucking hour? How about ten minutes?

Between him constantly talking like he’s the godfather of vampires and the other people constantly explaining what the hell was going on to the people who hadn’t seen the show, I couldn’t hear a goddamn word coming out of the TV. I had no fucking idea what was going on in that first episode of True Blood. In fact, after we got home, we had to watch it online so we would understand what the hell happened. Suffice it to say, we did not return to our friends’ place for episode two.

This kind of thing really needs to stop. Nobody cares what you have to say. Even if you wrote your Ph.D. thesis on Traditional Methods of Killing the Vampire: A Retrospective Analysis, I don’t want to hear about it while I’m watching some awesome vampire-killing action. If you are talking non-stop about bullshit, it’s going to piss me off. It’s impossible to enjoy the movie or TV show when you are constantly yapping. Also, if you are too stupid to understand what’s going on and need to constantly ask for clarification, you need to step out. Maybe seeing the latest Michael Bay shit-spectacular is more up your alley.

In summary, can you shut the fuck up while I’m watching the show?

17
Jul
10

Fake Indie Movies (AKA Fuck You, Hipsters)

There are a lot of movies I hate. For the most part, Hollywood can’t resist shoving recycled garbage down the throats of the movie-going public 52 weeks a year. Since 2004 there has been a growing number of “indie” movies released every year. The indie movie trend really exploded with the release of Napoleon Dynamite. Since then the term “indie film” has been Hollywood shorthand for “quirky independent comedy.” Unfortunately, the majority of the movies being passed around as “indie” are nothing close to being independent.

A truly independent film typically has a lot of features you will never find in a Hollywood “indie” movie. For example, if the movie was ever released in a national cinema chain (e.g. AMC, Harkins), then it was likely backed by a major studio, and thus is not independent. Real independent movies are not seen in the same cineplex that shows the latest Michael Bay summer shit-spectacular. They may play in a small theater dedicated to independent films, but usually they just make the rounds on the film festival circuit until they are either picked up for home video release or fade into obscurity.

Real independent movies are way too hardcore for the standard movie goer. They are grainy, often black and white, have really low production values, do not star any known actors, and many times deal with social issues or are completely confusing mindfucks. Perfect examples of this would be the movies Eraserhead by David Lynch and Pi by Darren Aronofsky. Continue reading ‘Fake Indie Movies (AKA Fuck You, Hipsters)’




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