Posts Tagged ‘Nintendo
The Wii doesn’t get a lot of love, especially amongst self-described “core gamers.” What is a core gamer? A core gamer is someone who owns an XBOX 360 and/or PS3 and only plays games that are First-Person Shooters or have the words “Call”, “Duty”, “Medal”, “Honor”, “Counter”, “Strike”, “Halo”, or “Battlefield” in the title. Core gamers do not play adventure, puzzle, RPG, party, stealth, fighting, or rhythm games. Another important part of being a core gamer is constantly posting on the Internet about how terrible Nintendo is and how each system is a giant piece of crap, without actually owning one of their systems or playing any of their games.
Core gamers have derided Xenoblade Chronicles as a piece of trash because: 1) It’s on the Wii, 2) It doesn’t have high-definition graphics, 3) umm, 4) …
It’s a strange argument to make as core gamers don’t play RPGs in the first place, but let’s not get too technical. Half the fun of being a core gamer is shouting grammatically incorrect obscenities on the Internet about games they’ve never played.
I’ve played and completed Metal Gear Solid four times (twice for Playstation, twice for Gamecube). That is precisely three times more than I’ve completed any other game. I’m not sure what it is about that game that keeps on bringing me back. I suppose I like the meta stuff like finding Meryl’s codec frequency on the game box and switching controller ports to beat Psycho Mantis’ telepathy. Hiding in boxes, distracting guards, and catching a cold were small touches that went a long way to show me they put a lot of time and thought into the game. Despite my enjoyment of the game, every time I play it, I get super pissed off. For all the ingenuity and all the things it does well, it does just as many things horribly wrong. Here’s a short list:
- Radar doesn’t work while hiding under tables – What the fuck?
- Cut scenes are way too fucking long.
- Codec conversations are way too fucking long.
- Fake stealth.
- Shoot bosses in the face with 20 stinger missiles and they still survive.
- Top-down camera makes it impossible to see anything.
- The controls are completely fucked.
For it’s time, 1998, this was a landmark game. It was the first major video game that was like an interactive movie. And not one of those “interactive movies” like NightTrap where you watch a video reel of scantily clad girls and click a button every now and then. No, this was like you were the main character of some crazy espionage/action/anime film. The story really came to life, and the characters were intriguing and three-dimensional. It did things that no other game had done before. Plus, it was pretty fun. Continue reading ‘Things I Hate About Assassin’s Creed II and Metal Gear Solid (AKA Invincible Final Boss Syndrome)’
I recently finished playing No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle. I reviewed the original game and gave it an Awesome rating. It was a super-amazing game, and if it was legal I would have married it. The goddamn religious-right in this country continues to claim that marriage is only allowable between a man and a woman. Until I die I will fight for a person’s right to marry disc-based media. But I digress…
As I loved the original game, I had very high expectations for the sequel. Fortunately, it did not disappoint. The sequel improves almost every aspect of the first game. There were a couple of changes I didn’t like, but on the whole, they pulled off a superior sequel.
The story is more or less the same. You play as Travis Touchdown, the former number one ranked assassin in the world. After attaining the top status at the end of the first game, he walked away, hoping to never be seen again. However, his friend was murdered, and he was brought back into the fold with an eye for revenge. To get his revenge, he must kill the current number one ranked assassin. Unfortunately, Travis has fallen to rank 51, and has to climb his way back up. Continue reading ‘No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle’
OK, seriously, why won’t the goddamn doors in Metroid Prime 3 open? I had the exact same problem in the first two Metroid Prime games. This is one of the few flaws in an otherwise great series. In previous Metroid games, entering/exiting rooms was a piece of cake. You shot the blue-bubble door, it vanished, and you passed through. Why is it so much harder in the Metroid Prime series? Considering that the technology has advanced, you would think it would be much easier. But oh no. With greater technology comes greater opportunities to fuck up. In Metroid Prime, you shoot the blue bubble and it vanishes, leaving behind a solid gray door. When you get in close enough proximity to it, that door opens up, allowing you to pass through. The only problem is that HALF THE TIME THE FUCKING DOOR DOESN’T OPEN! I end up walking right into the door, back away, walk into it again, and repeat 5-6 times before it finally opens. With all that back and forth, I feel like I’m making the character bash her head against the door.
I swear to god, I’ve tried everything. I shot the blue bubble up close, I shot the blue bubble from far away, I shot the blue bubble from medium range, I cleared the room of enemies, I approached the door from various angles, I tried bombs and missiles, I tried everything short of giving the door a blowjob in an attempt to get it to open. I can’t be the only person to have this problem. And it has to be a problem, because I had this same issue when I played the previous games on the Nintendo Gamecube. Was this a game design flaw? Was this some programmer’s sick joke? I bet the fucker who came up with this was the same asshole who created the trash-bombing mini-games in Super Mario Galaxy. I can imagine him now, laughing his ass off while frustrated gamers around the world try 10 times to get through every closed door in the game. And believe me, there are a shitload of closed doors. It becomes really annoying, really fast, especially if you are low on energy and trying to outrun an army of bad guys.
Eventually, the door does open, but only after it fucks with you a few times. Now that I think about it, this had to be intentional. Why else would they change the simple blue-bubble doors of the older Metroid games to the blue bubble plus solid gray door? I bet it was a conspiracy perpetrated by the NHK. Either that, or it was a plot to make gamers think their controller/game wasn’t working correctly, so they’d go out and buy a new one. Or maybe it was a plot by the alcohol companies to get people so frustrated they would start drinking heavily. One of those has got to be the reason. I’m sure of it.
Ok, so apparently people love crap. They must. There is no other explanation for why stuff like live-action Transformers, Kanon, Twilight, and every show on MTV are so popular. This love of shit spreads to every media, including video games. A while ago I wrote a completely even-handed review of Okami for the Wii. Despite my best warnings to you people, you didn’t listen. Despite horrible sales, you continued to write glowing reviews lauding the “merits” of this game, and guess what message you sent to the creators?
“LOL HEY CREATORS OF OKAMI TIHS GAME IS AWESOME YOU SHOULD TOTALY MAK EA SEQUAL LOL!”
And video game designers being the money-hungry whores that they are, decided to go ahead a make a sequel. If the first one didn’t sell, then the sequel will totally be a success, right? Now there is Okami 2, which is titled Okamiden. Typically, sequels will keep the best elements that worked in the original game, get rid of the aspects that didn’t work, and offer additional changes to create a new gaming experience. Is that what they did with Okamiden? No, of course not.
Did they get rid of the terrible Celestial Brush that never worked? No. Well, then they must have gotten rid of the monotonous side-quests of circling trees. No. Um, so they let you finally take recognition for being a god? No. So they must have changed up the repetitive combat system? No. Uhhh, is it a side scroller? Sorry, still no. Continue reading ‘Okami 2: Why Don’t You People Listen to Me?’
Every website in existence told me that Mass Effect was essentially the second coming of Christ in video game form. So was it? Well, if Christ is a really annoying, boring asshole who closely follows standard genre tropes, then I guess the reference fits. Somehow, I don’t think that’s what they were going for.
Here’s a list of reasons why Mass Effect sucks:
1.) It’s not an RPG. — This game is billed as an RPG. Even though you have dialogue options throughout, and some of them are hilarious, that doesn’t really make it an RPG. The storyline is still just as linear as Final Fantasy X, which makes it an adventure game. You don’t actually “role play,” you just get to choose good, bad, or neutral dialogue options.
2.) The story is incredibly bland. — What’s that? A rogue alien has hatched a plan that will destroy all life in the universe? Yawn.
3.) The “ZOMG 8 Alternate Endings!” are really just 2 alternate endings. — There is a good ending and a bad ending. That’s it. There are minor variations in each, but those do not constitute “alternate endings.” Chrono Trigger had 12 endings, and that game was on the Super Nintendo. You’d think that the makers of Mass Effect would strive for something more, but they didn’t because they are a bunch of lazy assholes. On the other hand, maybe they figured they couldn’t top Chrono Trigger and gave up.
4.) Slow loading times.
5.) THE FUCKING ELEVATORS ARRRRRGH! — Could these things move any fucking slower? OK, I get it. They are just an opportunity for the game to load the next area and have it appear seamless, but it’s just boring as hell. I’d rather see a loading screen than stare at my three motionless party members and listen to announcements over the PA system.
6.) The side quests are annoying as fuck. — This is unimaginative shit at its worst. “Oh, can you please go collect 3 of these items or 10 of those items?” Is this really necessary? I thought collecting shit was supposed to be something you did on a scavenger hunt, not a fucking video game. All I want to do is kill shit, not waste my time traveling from planet to planet, and digging in the dirt for some random crap that will give me absolutely no advancement in the storyline.
7.) Barren Planets — What exactly is the point of this? I mean, seriously, who thought it would be a good idea to have you drive around on huge piles of dirt looking for the next plot point? Idiots, that’s who. And anyone who thought it was fun to explore and find “extra stuff” in the Mass Effect wasteland of mediocrity is retarded.
8.) The secondary characters are completely unmemorable.
9.) Driving the car — I’d rather lick my own ass than spend another fucking second driving the car around. It’s a rubbery piece of shit that bounces all over the place. The mechanics of maneuvering this thing are horrendous. It only has the one shitty machine gun, and no cannon. And just like your hand held weapons, the gun can overheat, which is annoying as fuck. Oh, and let’s not forget that while you are repairing damage you can’t move. Everything about the car is just another, “What the hell were they thinking?” scenario.
10.) “Before I can give you this item that will save all life in the universe, first you have to do me a favor.” — FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The one positive side of this game, is that you can have sex with one of your crew members. And they have a nice ass, too.
As far as RPGs go, Mass Effect is terrible and a waste of time… but it’s still better than Okami.
Holy shit, I love this game!
I seriously have not been addicted to a game in a really long time. That is, not until I played No More Heroes. It’s basically an ultra-violent, playable anime with a sense of humor. The premise is that you are Travis Touchdown (awesome name, by the way), an otaku who wants to be the world’s greatest assassin. So, he decides to take out the world’s top 10 assassins with the lightsaber he won in an online auction (where else would you get one?).