Posts Tagged ‘shitty
Apparently, summertime is awards season. Awards season for Awesomely Shitty. That’s right, fuckos, I got not one, but two blogging awards. Hells yeah! I rule! Ahem. Okay, sure they were given to me by regular visitors, but it still counts. It’s not like the Academy is made up of anything but peers, anyway. I just count myself fortunate that so many people read my blog and don’t want to murder me. It’s amazing, really.
The Liebster Award
The Liebster Award is given to a blogger who has less than 200 followers. Liebster in German means “beloved, favorite, dearest.” The goal of the Liebster Award is the help new or growing blogs connect with other bloggers. It’s a good way for readers to discover new blogs. I was given this award from Sidekick Reviews. It’s a great blog that I highly recommend checking out. I appreciate the award, thanks a lot.
The rules for Liebster Award recipients:
- List 11 random facts about yourself.
- Answer the questions that were asked of you (by the blogger that nominated you)
- Nominate 11 other blogs for the Liebster Award and include a link to their blogs.
- Notify the bloggers of their award.
- Ask the award winners 11 questions to answer once they accept the award.
Here are the random facts: Continue reading ‘It’s Time to Honor Myself’
Well, it’s happened, folks. I’ve wasted five perfectly good years of my life working on this blog. I’d like to thank those of you who drop by and leave comments and/or hate messages on a regular basis. You know who you are. Without you, trashing shitty movies and anime wouldn’t be half as much fun.
To celebrate the big day, Mrs. Brik and I decided to go to Hawaii. We stayed at a luxurious private beach, drank the finest champagne, snorkeled off the coast, and ate the flesh of endangered species. I may or may not have participated in hunting humans for sport. Hey, you only turn five once, right? Might as well live it up.
As a treat for all of you, I have put links to the most popular posts of all time from the last five years. If you have already seen these, now is your chance to relive the magic. If you haven’t, please enjoy.
- 20 Awesomest Anime of the Decade
- 20 Shittiest Anime of the Decade
- Fake Indie Movies (AKA Fuck You, Hipsters)
- Things I Hate About Assassin’s Creed
- Classically Shitty: Breakfast at Tiffany’s
- Red Dead Redemption Can Go to Hell
- Your Wedding Sucked
- Conan the Barbarian – Probably the Greatest Movie Ever Made
- Michael F. Assbender is in Everything
- Reasons Why Predator is Better than The King’s Speech
- Okami is the Poor Man’s Zelda
- Avatard Me Up (AKA Everyone is an Idiot)
Let’s see if The Man allows me to go another year.
As you can see, the logo at the top of the page has changed once again. It’s the fourth banner featured at Awesomely Shitty. This stunning artwork was brought to you by Chaz the Silencer, the same genius who created the site’s second banner. He’s obviously a rock star, a sex god, and a pillar of humanity. Be sure to check out his blog to pay the man some respect. I really like this logo for a few reasons. First, the colors are fantastic. Second, it is unique and funny. And third, it features an example of something awesome and something shitty (with the shitty thing getting destroyed): Conan the Barbarian and Lucky Star. Well, I hope you like it, too, because you’ll be looking at it for at least a year. Hopefully, Awesomely Shitty will continue to be your go-to place for the worst reviews on the Internet in 2013!
The 2006 instant classic The Wicker Man starring Nicolas Cage has quite a few valuable lessons to teach us. Here’s a list of the things I took away from this thought-provoking cinematic masterpiece.
1) You don’t need good acting when the dialog is this amazing - Seriously, the dialog is stellar. It’s so goddamn good, they could have filmed the pages of the script and it would have been just as exciting. For example, in the very first scene, a waitress asks how a customer is doing. He answers, “Sorry, my mind was wandering” to which she deftly replies, “If I ate one of those burgers, I’d totally be in a trance, too.” Hilarious! A few moments later, Cage’s cop character pulls someone over and he asks, “You know why I stopped you?” The driver says, “Yeah.” And – scene! Amazing! Are we sure this movie wasn’t directed by Hitchcock?
2) It’s best to be as literal as possible - Cage gets a letter from Willow stating her daughter Rowan has been missing for 2 weeks. He talks to another cop, we have no idea who he is, but presumably he’s Cage’s boss or something. He explains the letter and says he is going to the island of Summersisle to investigate. The friend asks, “Who is she? An ex-girlfriend?” Cage answers, “No, we were engaged.” That’s right. Not an ex-girlfriend, an ex-fiance. How can we expect to live in a functional society unless we are being as literal as possible? I, for one, applaud Cage for being completely specific. If we don’t abide by the rules, then we are living in anarchy.
3) Drinking is good for you - Cage drinks mead almost immediately after stepping onto the island. What we didn’t see were all the deleted scenes where he got hammered on mead. In fact, Cage was probably drunk on mead the entire time he was filming The Wicker Man. How else could he have turned in such an inspired performance? Substances must have helped him along the way. And to be completely honest, drunk on mead is the only way to watch The Wicker Man.
Sup, bros? I saw this totally rad movie over the weekend called Pooper. And by totally rad I mean it gave me the same feeling I have when I chug too much Jager and have to puke.
All my bros in film reviewing land had the exact same things to say about Pooper: “mind-bending”, “smart”, “scintillating”, “smart”, “creative”, “exciting”, “smart”, “very smart”, “high-concept”, “intelligent”, and “smart.” While my bros out there really liked this movie, I’m still wondering if they thought it was a smart movie. It’s hard to tell. In fact, I just typed “smart” so many times, it doesn’t even look like a real word any more. Don’t you hate it when that happens?
Tags: 30 rock, Alec Baldwin, Anna Kournikova, biggest loser, Chelsea Handler, chuck, cookies, Donald Trump, fat, fatties, Jack Donagy, Jay Leno, Jillian Michaels, NBC, Outsourced, Paul Reiser, perfect couples, shit, shitfest, shitty, the Apprentice, The Voice, Tina Fey, Tracy Morgan, Whitney
I swear to god, every time I’m scanning through the channels and come across NBC, it is invariably airing an episode of The Biggest Loser. It’s another one of those reality TV shows where someone gets eliminated every week, a clone of Survivor. Instead of featuring people losing weight from starvation on an island, it features people losing weight by exercising.
They get the biggest fatties, I’m talking about the fattest of the fat. The people your mom told you not to point at and make fun of, but you do anyway. Every time I’ve watched this show, it’s 2 painful hours of watching sweaty fatties do pushups and run on treadmills and talk about how courageous they all are for exercising. Great job, fatties. Personally, I think it seems way more courageous to eat McDonald’s and Dairy Queen and drink 64 ounce sodas every day and risk a slow, painful death by diabetes. But then again, this is an American TV show, so I guess to Americans exercise is hard and therefore courageous. Continue reading ‘The Only Show On NBC is The Biggest Loser’
This is one of those big-budget movies that is so bad it defies explanation. After watching it I had to rethink some of my previous “shitty” verdicts. Keep in mind this didn’t prompt me to change any of my past verdicts, but this movie is so fucking bad, it made me seriously reconsider the definition of “shitty.”
Written, produced, and directed by Zack Snyder, this 2011 “film” is one of the smelliest turds Hollywood has crapped out in a long time. Eschewing all plot, logic, and character development for flashy visuals, the movie stumbles along from action sequence to action sequence until it reaches a laughably idiotic finale. Below is a list of reasons why this movie sucks so hard:
- Entire production filmed against a green screen
- Waife-like beautiful women are all experts in weapons and martial arts.
- People casually walking away from explosions or collapsing buildings.
- Giant samurai robots.
- WWI-era steampunk German zombies. (yes, you read that sentence correctly)
- Using WWII-era planes to fight medieval-fantasy orcs and dragons.
- Girls getting the shit beaten out of them, crashing through buildings, etc. and not getting a scratch on them.
- Weird flying mecha in the aforementioned WWI-era setting.
- Fighting hordes of non-descript robots.
- Tons of slow-mo action, punctuated by brief super-fast action, to be brought back again to more slow-mo action.
The mish-mash of genres, settings, and action styles must have seemed like a ZOMG AWESOME idea to Snyder, but it turned out horribly. It looks more like a shitty video game than a movie. And the storyline is just about as good as one you’d find in a mindless button-mashing PS2 game from the early 2000s. I especially like how the girls only enter the “fantasy world” when they start dancing. OH MAN I CAN’T WAIT TO KICK GERMAN STEAMPUNK ZOMBIE ASS BUT FIRST I JUST GOTTA DANCE! I also like how the “fantasy world” is actually already within another “fantasy world.” So we go two layers deep, like Inception, but without any coherence or good plotting. I also like how Jon Hamm is slumming it for some reason at the end of the movie. The acting is horrible, the special effects gaudy and overused (i.e. every second of the movie), there are huge gaps in logic in every aspect of the story, and the plot is just all around clunky and terrible. What do you expect when Snyder co-wrote it with Steve Shibuya, who has no other writing credits, and his biggest previous work was as Production Assistant: Effects Unit in Killer Clowns from Outer Space.
Probably my favorite part is that this run-down shit-hole mental institution’s only inhabitants are young, thin, incredibly attractive 20-something girls. Could someone please point me in the direction of this psychiatric facility so I can apply for a job? Thanks.
It’s unfortunate that, a lot of times, smaller movies don’t get the proper distribution and advertising they deserve. They may get a limited run at an art-house cinema, and then get lost into obscurity. One of those movies is the 2011 film Cedar Rapids. It was on the 2009 “Black List” – a list of the most liked unproduced Hollywood screenplays. Previous entires on the list include 50/50, The King’s Speech, and Juno.
Fortunately, Cedar Rapids didn’t stay on the Black List for long. It is a very funny movie about a small town insurance salesman named Tim Lippe (played by The Office’s Ed Helms), who gets sent by his company to the annual convention in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. To Tim, Cedar Rapids is the big city. He has never left home before. He wants to stay on the straight-and-narrow, as his company is eligible for the prestigious ”Two Diamond Award”, which they have won the previous four years. If he screws up and they don’t win the award, he’ll be out of a job.
Complicating matters, the hotel is overbooked and salesman are forced to double-up their rooms. Tim gets roomed with the brash and rude Dean Ziegler (played by John C. Reilly). The bulk of the movie features Tim’s downward spiral as he loosens up, starts to drink, gets wasted, cheats on his girlfriend (played by Sigourney Weaver) with Joan (played by Anne Heche), hangs out with prostitutes, sings Karaoke, uses meth, and tries to bribe his way into winning the coveted award.
Raunchy comedy is certainly nothing new, but Cedar Rapids has an indelible charm, and an absolutely hilarious cast, all of whom are acting at the top of their games. It manages to be funny, totally inappropriate, charming, and crude all at once. It is skillfully directed and written. It is a comedy that should not be missed by anyone.
While people are out laughing at drek like That’s My Boy, The Dictator, or Mirror Mirror, they are missing out on movies that are truly funny. I hope more people discover Cedar Rapids, because it has a lot to offer.
Coming from 2011, and consisting of 12 episodes, Ga-Rei: Zero is an anime prequel to the manga series Ga-Rei by Hajime Segawa. I don’t read manga (mostly because I’m illiterate), so I had no idea what to expect going into this.
The Ministry of Defense has a secret unit known as the Supernatural Disaster Countermeasure Division, whose job it is to defend Japan from all sorts of paranormal bad guys. The first episode shows a unit killing some deadly monsters, and that first episode was incredible. The characters were really interesting, they were all mature adults (rare for an anime), and they seemed to have an intriguing back story. Plus, the animation was outstanding. This had to rank up there with some of the best single-episode animation quality of all time.
And then, once the unit returns from their successful mission, they get slaughtered. SURPRISE! The characters I just invested a half-hour in all got murdered. TROLLING! What remains is some mysterious teenage girl with a katana, who killed them all. That intriguing back story? Never mentioned again. It was just a way to further troll the viewers into thinking these characters would be important, just to extract shock value when they suddenly died.
You know you’re in trouble when you start a new anime, and the first episode is filler. This whole show is filler. As far as I can tell there isn’t any story. It’s just about some really effeminate rich kid and his incredibly flamboyant butler. 99% of this show focuses on them homolusting after one another, prancing around and acting extremely gay. They pretend to not be gay, but their gayness brims to the surface every second of every episode. Their gayness completely envelopes the series into a nauseating mess of unwatchable shit. This show is gayer than Descendants of Darkness and that show had characters who were openly gay. This show is an insult to anyone who appreciates good acting, good storytelling, good characters, good pacing, good directing, and good taste. Hell, it’s an insult to homosexuality. It’s like a teenage girl’s idea of what it’s like to be gay. “LOL LIKE OHMYGOD THEY ARE TOOOOTALLY GAY THEY WEAR THIGH HIGH LEATHER BOOTS AND FRILLY FRENCH CLOTHES AND STARE LONGINGLY INTO EACH OTHER’S EYES AND GET REALLY CLOSE WITHOUT KISSING JUST TO BUILD SEXUAL TENSION LOL!” Black Butler should be classified under the genre of “hate crime.” By the way, why is it titled Black Butler when the butler is white? Oh, and did I mention it’s incredibly gay? Yes that’s right, gay. Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay.
You’d expect Blue Exorcist to be nothing more than typical shonen trash. And guess what? You’d be right. Blue Exorcist, while entertaining, offers up absolutely nothing that the tired genre hasn’t already seen. The protagonist (his name doesn’t matter because he is just like every other shonen series protagonist) is an irresponsible oaf who carries an untapped power. Unbeknownst to him, he is the son of Satan and is filled with all sorts of demonic powers. Wouldn’t you know it, this is revealed to him in the first episode, and he decides to fight on the side of good. He immediately enrolls in
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry True Cross Academy where he learns how to be an exorcist. There he meets a bunch of stock secondary characters that no shonen series can do without. Also, his younger brother turns out to be an exorcist too, and is ZOMG SO AMAZING THAT HE IS THE PROTAGONIST’S TEACHER ZOMG! *sigh* Throughout his training, the protagonist battles all kinds of monsters, and eventually has to face off against his daddy Satan. During the final battle, which lasted several episodes, I kept wondering: “Where are the real exorcists? You know, the school’s teachers or the people from the Vatican?” Apparently, they don’t give a shit about fighting the world’s greatest threat, the Devil. They figured they could leave it up to some students. Fortunately, the protagonist and his brother fend off Satan and the world is saved. The End. Oh wait, no, not before they have one final battle with a demon who inhabits motor vehicles. What the fuck? The only thing that stood out for me in this show are the number of moles characters have. The brother had three moles on his face. The protagonist’s mother had four moles on her face. Whoever did the character designs for this clearly has a mole fetish. While Blue Exorcist has good animation quality and is mildly entertaining to watch, it ultimately should be relegated to the cookie-cutter shonen garbage bin.