Have you heard of this actor Michael F. Assbender? Well, you should have, because he was in every movie in 2011, and will be starring in every movie in 2012.
Michael F. Assbender is a mythological figure on par with Hercules or Vishnu or John McCain. In fact, Assbender didn’t even exist until the year 2009. He snapped into existence, seemingly at the will of Quentin Tarantino, in order to play a role in the film Inglourious Basterds. If you check out IMDB or Wikipedia, you’ll find an elaborate biography and many roles predating his 2009 debut. Don’t believe those. THEY ARE LIES! They are just an intricate backstory created by the Illuminati so people wouldn’t freak out about the implications of a famous actor being willed into existence.
Tarantino’s cocaine-fueled revisionary history film was seen by throngs of people, and they were all exposed to their first glimpse of Assbender. People were so enthralled by his unfathomably good looks that they clamored for more. Immediately, Hollywood jumped aboard the Assbender train. After all, if a handsome white British actor can’t be popular, then who can?
In 2010 he starred in Centurion, Jonah Hex, and videogame Fable III. In 2011 Assbender could be seen in Jane Eyre, X-Men: First Class, A Dangerous Method, Shame, and Pitch Black Heist. In 2012 he will be in Haywire, Prometheus, Twelve Years a Slave, and Your Mom’s Sexual Fantasies.
His acting style is best described as Assbending. He speaks both English AND German. He has smoldering good looks. He stares into the camera with steely eyes. His on-screen persona makes your girlfriend’s panties moist. His mere presence in a movie makes everything electrifying. That, my friends, is the essence of Assbending.
Of course, 2012 is only just getting underway so we should expect a lot more Assbending to come throughout the year. He seems to be experiencing exponential growth in terms of starring in movies. Take a look:
- 2009: one role
- 2010: three roles
- 2011: five roles
- 2012: nineteen roles
- 2013: one hundred thirty-seven roles
- 2014: nine hundred ninety-nine roles
- 2015: all movie roles portrayed by Assbender
We are well on our way to total movie domination by Assbender. And why shouldn’t we be? The guy is talented. He was able to play a spy, a psychiatrist, a rich dude, an angry mutant, and a sex fiend with a big Fasspenis. A multi-talented thespian such as him should really be in every movie.
The only people that can come close to rivaling him in being in everything are Natalie Portman and Samuel L. Jackson. Considering Assbender’s exponential rise to fame, he will overcome his two competitors in a matter of time.
Michael F. Assbender is unstoppable, just like that train from the movie Unstoppable. All we need now is for some talented director (e.g. George Lucas) to digitally remove actors from past movies and replace them with Assbender. There shouldn’t be a film in existence that doesn’t include Assbender in at least one role. Could you imagine how cool it would be to watch Gone With the Wind and see Assbender in a dress say: “Rhett! If you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?” only to see Assbender in a suit reply: “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
That would be so awesome.
So here’s to Assbender and years of Assbending to come. Wait, what’s that? His name is Fassbender? Oh, goddammit.