07
Sep
17

Suicide Squad, The Lego Batman Movie

Suicide Squad

The first supervillain team-up movie features Batman’s rogues gallery, although, it’s comprised mostly of his second stringers like Deadshot, Killer Croc, Harley Quinn, etc. The crux of the film is that the U.S. government wants a special team of bad guys to be able to combat superheroes if the need arises.

The plotting is horrible, even for a comic book movie. The team assembles, and immediately one of the members (Enchantress) goes double-rogue and tries to kill all humanity. Of course, if they hadn’t put the team together in the first place, none of this would have happened. But the Hollywood executives behind this movie figured that the movie-going public are a bunch of mouth-breathers who wouldn’t notice.

The “action” is incredibly dull. The characters virtually stand still as they stiffly stab or shoot generic monsters. They move from Point A to Point B until they ultimately defeat Enchantress. A couple of them die, but since they are all underdeveloped, you feel nothing for them. Deadshot and Harley have the most backstory, but still leave a lot wanting. Perhaps whittling the team down to just two or three characters would have yielded better results.

Will Smith is fine, doing his usual shtick, Margot Robbie is perfect as Harley Quinn, and Jared Leto is an OK Joker, but really hard to take as a menacing figure with his grill and all his tats. The Batman cameos were interesting, but rather pointless.

All in all, this was a weak, directionless, sloppy entry into DC’s cinematic universe. It made boatloads of money, though, so I suppose we can expect more of this dreck in the future.

Verdict: Shitty

The Lego Batman Movie

I wasn’t a huge fan of the first Lego Movie. I realize I’m the only person on Earth who didn’t like it, but I hate everything, so you shouldn’t be surprised. Well, I do like Batman, so I went into this one a bit more hopeful. Fortunately, this time I wasn’t disappointed. Lego Batman was a very funny film, managing to lovingly skewer all things Batman. They make jokes about the franchise, but not at its expense. The writers clearly understand and enjoy Batman, and make references to all the series’ various incarnations from comics to animated series to Adam West’s campy 60’s version. I even enjoyed the references to other franchises such as Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. Will Arnett and Michael Cera were perfect as Batman and Robin, respectively. Zach Galifianakis’ version of the Joker was kind of shitty, but other than that I don’t have much to complain about. This one was a lot of fun.

Verdict: Good

 

 

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29
Aug
17

Fantastic Four Sucked (But It Was Still Not As Bad As Green Lantern)

Fantastic Four was much reviled by the Marvel comics masturbatory fanboy community. To be honest, they weren’t wrong. This movie is bad. But it isn’t the incoherent piece of shit I had been led to believe. The story isn’t good, but it does make sense, and there is a general sense of cohesion. Watching it, you can’t tell there was so much behind-the-scenes turmoil.

The main problem is the story. It is woefully generic. From the moment the opening shot fades in, you have already seen all of this before. The main character, played by Miles Teller, is a boy genius who is ridiculed by his luddite teacher, Homer Simpson. Of course, Teller invented a teleportation device in his garage by hooking up a bunch of Nintendo 64s.

Teller keeps working on the device throughout the course of middle school and high school (and his luddite teacher follows him for some reason), and eventually gets disqualified from a science fair, because the luddite thinks it’s magical or something. I don’t know, it’s idiotic.

Continue reading ‘Fantastic Four Sucked (But It Was Still Not As Bad As Green Lantern)’

05
Aug
17

Pirates of the Caribbean 5, John Wick 2

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

The fifth film in the franchise tells a bit of an origin story, showing how Jack Sparrow became Jack Sparrow. He double-crossed (of course) a ruthless privateer when he was a young man, and simultaneously became captain of his first ship. Decades later, the privateer, Captain Salazar, returns from beyond the grave to exact his revenge.

This outing was a step up from the previous one, Pirates of the Caribbean: I Can’t Even Remember What It Was About. It was essentially a rehash of the first movie, featuring young male and female leads who are in search of a fantasy McGuffin, and reluctantly enlist Jack Sparrow’s help in order to get it. While it is a rehash, it doesn’t contain the same effortless storytelling, and elements of whimsy and adventure the first film had. Let’s face it, the first film in the series is a modern classic, and they haven’t been able to recapture that.

This film wasn’t a complete waste. While most of the jokes were lame and forced, some of them absolutely worked. There was still a sense of high-seas adventure, although held back a bit by an over-reliance on CGI. Instead of letting two ships duke it out in a naval battle, they had to throw in stupid bullshit like the mast coming to life and attacking Jack Sparrow (ugh, why?). Back on the positive side, the finale was pretty inventive, and I loved the Black Pearl dropping anchor as it skirted the edge of the ocean.

Johnny Depp is still watchable as Jack Sparrow, and there was fun to be had in this film. Overall, though, the franchise is completely out of steam. It wasn’t exactly a memorable film, but it wasn’t complete garbage. Disney should do the smart thing and end the series on a decent note. But they probably won’t, and will make another one.

Verdict: Average

John Wick 2

 

Taking place immediately after the first film ended, John Wick 2 shows Keanu Reeves getting deeper into trouble in the world of assassins he tried to leave behind. An old ally of his returned and cashed in a favor Reeves owed him. Then, the ally double-crossed Reeves, making him the target of every assassin on the planet. The action scenes were incredibly inventive, flashy, and a whole lot of fun. The only thing that didn’t work for me was Reeve’s bullet-proof suit, which made him nigh-indestructible. Other than that, I liked everything about this movie. I especially enjoyed the hall-of-mirrors finale, and kept on wondering how they filmed it without ever showing the crew. All in all this was a worthy sequel in a cool-as-hell franchise.

Verdict: Awesome

22
Jul
17

Happy (Shitty) Nine Year Anniversary (Belated)

It’s hard to believe that this blog has been alive for nine years. I’m pretty late on the anniversary post. And as some of you have noticed, I haven’t been posting frequently anymore. I’ve been incredibly busy with my new job, saving lives, and banging supermodels every day. The time for writing shitty posts about shitty movies has become smaller and smaller. I don’t know where the future of Awesomely Shitty is heading. I hope to continue to post, but it will be more erratic than it had been. Let’s look forward to the tenth year of Awesomely Shitty! Thanks, everyone, for reading.

09
Jul
17

Kung Fury, Citizen X

Kung Fury

A lot of movies, books, and videogames have tried to capitalize on 80s nostalgia. Most of them have failed miserably. Kung Fury, on the other hand, is a completely brilliant piece of comedy that works on every level. Kung Fury began life on Kickstarter, and raised enough money to make a 30-minute feature, but fell short of the funds necessary for an entire film. Fortunately, those 30 minutes are packed to the gills with non-stop absurdity.

Kung Fury is like the ultimate 80s B-movie. It’s got everything we loved from the 80s like ninjas, arcade games, Transformers, time travel, barbarians, and renegade cops who don’t play by the rules. The main character chases down Adolf Hitler and defeats all the Nazis in a battle royale.

The movie was given an intentionally distressed look, like you’re watching a well-used VHS tape. It’s kind of the same way they did Grindhouse, and it helps to capture the look and feel of life in the 80s. I sure as hell remember watching my favorite tapes until they crumbled into dust.

The comedy lands almost every time. Fair warning, though, if you aren’t a fan of parody, the 80s, or ninjas, then you won’t like this movie. However, if you are cool, you will like it. Check it out.

Verdict: Awesome

Citizen X

 

While bored, I perused HBO’s streaming catalogue and came across this unknown made-for-TV movie from 1995. The premise was interesting, so I checked it out. Citizen X is about the search for the Soviet Union’s most notorious serial killer throughout the 1980s. The killer is just as gruesome as I’ve come to expect from the serial killer genre, but his killing of children, not to mention the fact that it was real, was chilling. The main character, Stephen Rea, tirelessly pursues the killer despite getting nothing but pushback from his superiors. However, the pushback he gets is given an interesting spin. The Soviet Union cannot ask the United States FBI for help (who have the largest database on serial killers in the world), because that would show the West that they don’t have the same skills or knowledge as them. They can’t give him the agents or funds he needs to apprehend the killer, because they simply don’t have them as a result of the Soviet Union’s failing (but kept under wraps) economy. This all manages to put a fresh spin on a story that could have been dull and overwrought. Donald Sutherland plays Rea’s sole ally in the hunt for the killer. Ithas an obvious made-for-TV quality to it, but it is well-written and acted. The only thing that doesn’t work is all the actors speaking English with Russian accents. It sounds ridiculous. They should have just did away with that. Otherwise, this was an intriguing little movie.

Verdict: Good

24
Jun
17

Redemption (Hummingbird), Pitch Perfect 2

Redemption (Hummingbird)

Jason Statham tried and failed to stretch his acting chops in this woeful 2013 movie. He plays a homeless former soldier who barely scrapes by on the streets. He steals the identity of a random rich dude, and starts living the high life. He eventually gets involved in the underworld, and gets to the requisite martial arts antics. The movie’s insipid plot barely has a pulse. Nothing makes a lot of sense. That would be OK if the action was great, but it isn’t. The fights are lackluster, only to be followed by huge swaths of nothing happening. It’s like no one involved in this production was even interested in trying. Statham tried to do a good job, but his work ethic doesn’t elevate this turd of a film.

Verdict: Shitty

Pitch Perfect 2

I thought the first movie was terrible, and somehow the sequel manages to be even worse. The a capella group from the first film returns, and are living comfortably in a sorority on campus. Unfortunately, they botched an important performance. As a result, the school is going to disband the group, and dissolve the sorority if they don’t win the mysterious, and totally not fake International A Capella Competition. Obviously, whoever wrote this giant piece of shit has no idea what college is like. What college would dissolve a sorority because their singing group wasn’t any good? Anyway, the movie is horrible. There were absolutely no jokes that worked, the songs were trite, the singing was as engineered as fuck, and nobody does anything remotely interesting. Naturally, they win the competition because it’s a shitty movie. Apparently, there’s going to be a third one of these coming out soon, so god help us all.

Verdict: Shitty

 

17
Jun
17

Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar X-Men

Director Tim Burton’s latest film is a book adaptation, yet another in the deluge of young adult novels Hollywood has flooded us with as of late. They remain desperate in their attempts to find the next Harry Potter and shove it down our throats, but so far they continue to come up short.

The basic gist is that some children are born with special abilities. These gifted youngsters live in a special school where their headmistress teaches them to use their abilities for the greater good. A scrappy outsider named Logan Potter discovers the school, and is welcomed to their makeshift family. Professor X attempts to persuade Logan to join them. Logan doesn’t think he’s special, but over the course of the film realizes he has powers of his own.

Continue reading ‘Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar X-Men’




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