Kanon – Faggy Anime Defined

Kanon's cast of assholes

There is a growing subgenre of anime that I like to call “faggy anime.” What is faggy anime, you ask? Well, it’s simple. Kanon is faggy anime. Clannad is faggy anime. Air is faggy anime. Basically, any series with over the top moe, a heavy romance theme, or a show that is based on a dating sim is faggy anime. Usually, these series feature a bunch of extremely well endowed high school girls who are totally shy, and all secretly like the protagonist. The thing that pisses me off about these shows is that they go into “cute overload.” They toss all conflict, drama, and any aspect of decent story telling to wind. In their place, they put a bunch of cute shit everywhere. The protagonist has the choice of any girl he wants (kind of like me in real life), but of course he is always too much of a pussy to act on it (unlike me). This rings especially false since 99% of anime feature high school students, and you know that a real life high school boy would be hitting that shit in a fucking second. But he doesn’t do that. He just can’t decide which girl he likes best. This is probably because he is actually gay. But let’s not over-analyze this stuff. Over-analyzing anime can lead to brain damage. It makes me sad that anime used to be the bastion of hard core violence and tentacle rape, but now it’s just a glut of moe shit.

You know what would be better than watching Kanon? Anything. This has to be some of the worst, sugary treacle to ever be broadcast over the airwaves. The characters are completely unbelievable. The main guy has amnesia, which is only sort of half-explained by the end. For some unknown reason I wanted to know what happened to him, so I subjected myself to this shit for 24 fucking episodes. Then, the explanation is sort of “oh by the way” and it really pissed me off. The other characters are all girls, and only exist for him to date one at a time. Yeah, let’s not bother giving them personalities or anything. At this point the show was bad, but not horrible. But then it is discovered that the first girl is actually a fox that became human. She dies later. At this point I was screaming, “Fuck you” at the show (with dual middle fingers, of course) for being completely inane. Come on, assholes, this is seriously the best you could fucking come up with? Jesus.

So the show meanders around with no plot or overarching story. He just goes from girl to girl. One of them fights invisible demons which turn out to be made by her own super healing abilities. WTF? The next one has an incurable, unnamed disease (it would have been too much work for the writers to go on Wikipedia for five seconds and actually research a real disease) who is supposed to die on her 16th birthday, or some such shit. She doesn’t die, and this is given no explanation whatsoever. The last girl is this really annoying, gluttonous midget who just makes weird noises and doesn’t know how to speak Japanese. It turns out she isn’t real at all, but the manifestation of her spirit. She’s a ghost? No, she’s actually in a coma at the hospital. I know this doesn’t make any sense, but just roll with it.

omg they r so hawt!!1

Then, I thought something awesome was going to happen. The only female character remaining was the guy’s cousin, who has a crush on him. I thought, “No way!” Were they actually going to hook up, and end the series with some sweet, sweet incest? I hoped so. I hoped that this show was actually going to try something radical. But guess what? It didn’t. He ends up…. wait for it…. CHOOSING THE FUCKING COMA VICTIM! Yes, that’s right, he winds up with someone who can’t move or speak. Someone who isn’t even conscious. Someone with a tube surgically implanted in their stomach, and a bunch of bed sores all over their body. Great choice, asshole!

Complaints about the idiocy of the show’s “story” aside, how did everything else fare? The animation quality was actually quite good. It stayed fairly consistent throughout. There isn’t a lot of action, so it was probably easy to do this. There was some usage of CGI here and there, but it wasn’t really noticeable, which is certainly a good thing. The music was fine. It was pretty unmemorable, and just faded into the background. There were no stand out tracks, and the opening was so sappy it was practically unwatchable. However, it wasn’t irritating, and no songs ever outstayed their welcome. The acting was fine, although all the little “cute” sounds (e.g. UGUUUUUUUUUU) got overwhelmingly annoying at times. ADV Films has released the series in the U.S. on DVD, so if you’re into faggy anime or you are a masochist, you can pick it up and watch it over and over again.

Overall, this was a horrible series. The plot and character actions defy all logic. Every guy that watches faggy anime just fantasizes that he is the series protagonist. This gives otaku a skewed world vision. It makes them think that all girls are incredibly hot and shy, and there are 10 of them that all want their boner. Sorry, but this just isn’t true. Stop watching this shit already.

Verdict: Shitty