If There Was a Video Game Version of Sucking Balls, it Would Be Called Halo.

About a million years ago I played Halo on the PC. It was one of the hugest pieces of shit of all time. It was repetitive, boring, had lame guns, had an idiotic story, and was about as generic as FPS games can get. I hated it so much that I refused to play Halo 2 or 3, despite the fact that fanboys around the world heralded them as the best things since sliced bread. Which is really saying a lot, since sliced bread is the best thing since sliced bread.

A few months back, three other friends and I got together and it was decided that we should play Halo 3 online. My friend has an Xbox 360 and a huge HD TV, and I was drunk, so I figured, “Sure, why the fuck not?” We played, and it was incredible. It was one of the most fun multiplayer experiences of my videogaming life. Don’t get me wrong, it was no Goldeneye 64, but it was a pretty solid experience nonetheless.

So, after months of playing Halo 3 online with my friends, I decided I would go back in time and play through the single player campaign of Halo 2, with the intent of then moving on to part three. After all, online play was so much fun that the developers must have fixed their mistakes from the previous games, right?

That was a huge mistake.

I found myself right back where I was a million years ago when I played through the first Halo. It royally sucked ass, and here are the reasons why:

1. I played as a nameless, faceless, super strong and skilled space marine (a la Doom). The typical Halo fanboy says, “Ohhh, Master Chief is so unique and awesome, he is uber leet!!!” *cums in pants* Unfortunately, anyone who thinks Master Chief is anything but a generic genre trope is a fucking idiot.
2. I was fighting hordes of generic, not to mention comically bad, aliens. I mean, are they supposed to be funny? Shouldn’t the villains make you a little bit nervous/excited/whatever? No, apparantely not. And don’t get me started on The Flood either. They are just as boring.
3. The guns are weak and terrible. All the alien guns are huge pieces of shit. For example, the Brute Shot is this grenade launcher weapon that usually takes about six shots to kill something. Six grenades to kill something?! Are you fucking kidding me? I might as well throw diarrhea at the enemies, that would be just as powerful.
4. The story was ZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZ *wakes up* “Huh? What? Oh, that’s the same thing as the first game.” ZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZ
5. The levels are so fucking long. I mean Jesus Fucking TapDancing AssRaping Christ, they go on and on and on and on and on and on and on. I think the first level alone takes over an hour to play.
6. It’s repetitive as fuck. Just like the problem with The Dark Knight, the developers thought that the old saying “less is more” doesn’t apply to them. By making all the levels as long and repetitive as possible, they would be sure to have a hit game on their hands. And, well, they were right. It is a hit game. Their strategy worked, just like it did for The Dark Knight. The only problem here is that people are idiots, and they like shit that is terrible. Which is why both Halo and The Dark Knight got such great reviews. Really, this is the thing I hate most about the single player version of all the Halo games. It is just hallway after gray concrete hallway of enemies standing around for you to kill them. It goes on forever with little to no variation. Sure, you get to drive a car once in  a while, but those moments come too few and far between to make this game worthwhile.

In a perfect world where people like things that are actually good, Halo would be remembered as nothing more than a footnote amongst all the other vapid, generic first person shooters. Unfortunately, this is not a perfect world. The world we live in is the same world where Twin Peaks got canceled, Paris Hilton is famous, people argue about whether Macs or PCs are better, and shitty video games are incredibly popular.

I suppose that multiplayer is the reason for Halo’s longevity. Because there is no fucking way that it is due to the single player. The developers must spend all their time making the online version fun (which is a hell of a lot of fun – just as long as you don’t get the fucking Brute Shot or any of those piece of shit guns that you have to charge up, or you aren’t playing One Bomb), and then the single player is just a stinky, bloody, disgusting afterbirth. That’s the only possible explanation for why it is so fucking bad.

This has nothing to do with Halo, that's why it rules.

Before you start flaming me about the content of this post, you really need to ask yourself, “Does the Halo single-player game have any redeeming qualities whatsoever?” If your answer is “yes,” then you should probably kill yourself. Or if you aren’t willing to do that, at least go play something good, like checkers or Scrabble. Those are games that will really give you an adrenaline rush, man.

Verdicts:

Doom: Awesome

Goldeneye 64: Awesome

Evil Dead Ash/Jesus: Awesome

Halo: Shitty