“Hey Tawmmy, guess what? That cawksuckah Ben Affuck made a movie called The Town. This queah made a lawt of shitty movies in the past like Reindeah Games and Ahmahgedon. Now awll of a sudden he thinks he’s a fackin’ directah. Anyway, this heah movie is about some bank rawbbahs from Chahrlestown. They rawb a bunch’a banks in Bawston and try to get away from da Feds. Dougie, Jem, Gloansy, and Dez ah the robbahs and they do pretty good for awhile, until Dougie gets a hahd-on for a hawstage they took earliah named Claire. Dougie ain’t no queah like some guys I know from Southie, and he dates Claire for awhile and tries to keep his double lives separate. Meantime this big faggy retahd Fed dude named Frawley is goin’ after ’em, tryin’ to put Dougie and his crew behind bahs. There’s a lot of shoot-outs and beatin’s and we get to see our fayah city of Bawston a lawt. It’s gawt some good writin’ and actin’ and Affuck does a fackin’ good job’a directin’. For a queah, anyway. Tawmmy, you should really check out this movie, it’s worth watchin’. Go Sawx!”
At first I thought this was going to be a comedy. It’s a 1971 film starring Charles Bronson and Toshiro Mifune that is about a cowboy and a samurai teaming up in the Wild West. How could it not be a comedy? Well, it’s not, it’s serious. Fortunately, they did infuse several funny moments and a few funny one-liners along the way. The film doesn’t take itself too seriously, but on the whole, yes, it is a regular Western. Where it lacks in the story department, it makes up for it with charm.
Bronson plays a charismatic outlaw who is forced to team up with Mifune who plays a stoic samurai (does he play anything else?). Their mission is to retrieve a stolen Japanese Imperial sword from Bronson’s former gang who betrayed him and left him for dead. Mifune and Bronson play surprisingly well off one another. They each get their moments to shine, with each besting the other in various scuffles, and each getting to kill plenty of bad guys with their special skills. Ursula Andress is the girl who provides little more than a nice body to look at. The villain is the bland Alain Delon, who apparently is famous, but from this role you’d never guess that.
If not for Mifune, this would be a generic and forgettable Western. However, his character lends a lot of originality to the movie which I’ve never seen anywhere else in the genre. Fortunately, the samurai acts like a samurai should, and doesn’t do a lot of horseshit you’d expect in a Hollywood movie. The movie loses a couple of points for having white guys play Indians, and a sort of derp-tastic finale. Otherwise, though, it’s solid. At least solid enough for an obscure, cult Western. Plus, it’s kind of cool to see Mifune speaking English.
The best part of all, was that I got this movie from Netflix, and the disc they sent me was a Chinese bootleg. It was obvious with all the Chinese characters on the menu, and to start the movie you click the Paly button. I hope Netflix continues to rent bootlegs. They rule.