Cloud Atlas Smelled Like a Fart

Cloud Atlas had a ton of hype around it when it came out in October. It took Brik and I a few months to get around to seeing it, since we usually wait for things to get to the second run theater. I am very glad I did not waste $10 a ticket to see this turd.

The coolest scene in the movie.

The plot of Cloud Atlas is divided into multiple storylines, each taking place in a different time period using all of the same actors playing different characters. Each plot line had little strands woven in that linked them somehow to the other time periods. The goal was lofty: to demonstrate that each action, good or bad, has consequences to everyone, even rippling out to the distant future.

The tagline for the movie is Everything is Connected, and this makes sense given what they tried to do with the plot lines. However, I spent most of the time in the theater wondering how is everything connected (besides Halle Barry treading the boundary of black and white). How could the average moviegoer pick out these barely discernible threads? This is Amurrica. Dumb it down please. 

The Hobbit: An Expected Cash Grab

It’s all about the Benjamins.

Peter Jackson can go suck a fuck. Yeah, that’s right, you heard me. I’m using Donnie Darko references over here. Jackson has become the George Lucas of Lord of the Rings. Lucas went back and filmed three shitty prequels to his revered Star Wars trilogy, and Jackson has made the exact same mistake with The Hobbit.

I’m not going to argue that The Hobbit as a film shouldn’t exist. In fact, it should. The 1937 book written by J.R.R. Tolkien is beloved by millions of people the world over. And since his later Lord of the Rings books were turned into films that became venerable smash-hits, it only makes sense that there should be a film of The Hobbit. Unforeseeable by anyone, the worst person for the job would be the same person who directed the Rings films.

Clearly, Peter Jackson caught lightning in a bottle when he directed the Rings films. He tried to recapture that magic from a decade ago, but failed miserably every step of the way. The tone of The Hobbit is vastly different from the later Rings books. It is lighter, faster-paced, and has more of a sense of wonder. Jackson, being a goddamn moron, tried to bend the material to fit into the exact same style of the Rings films. He tries to make it dark, somber, and epic all at the same time. For material that is inherently light and fun, this just doesn’t work. Scene after scene fails on almost every level. Technically, they look and sound great, but that’s about it. The writing doesn’t work, the acting is awkward, and you get a sense that nobody really knew what they hell they were doing when making this monstrosity.

Django Should Have Left the Chains On

Django is off the chain. Get it? Anyone? Hello?

Middle-school drop-out Quentin Tarantino brings us his newest film, a Western-inspired adventure through the South complete with his trademark dialog, excessive violence, and bizarre sense of humor. The movie begins with the date, 1858, and a statement, “Two years before the Civil War.” That would be true if the Civil War began in 1860. But it began in 1861. Maybe if Tarantino hadn’t dropped out of Middle-school, he would realize that 61 – 58 does not equal 2.

Django Unchained tells the story of Django, a slave who becomes a free man. The majority of the film is his quest to free his wife Broomhilda from slavery, as well. In doing so, he teams up with a bounty hunter and goes under-cover, so to speak, in order to accomplish his goals. At its heart, this movie is a revenge tale, an outlet of anger against slavery at the hands of white oppressors.

New Year, New Logo (Part 3)

As you can see, the logo at the top of the page has changed once again. It’s the fourth banner featured at Awesomely Shitty. This stunning artwork was brought to you by Chaz the Silencer, the same genius who created the site’s second banner. He’s obviously a rock star, a sex god, and a pillar of humanity. Be sure to check out his blog to pay the man some respect. I really like this logo for a few reasons. First, the colors are fantastic. Second, it is unique and funny. And third, it features an example of something awesome and something shitty (with the shitty thing getting destroyed): Conan the Barbarian and Lucky Star. Well, I hope you like it, too, because you’ll be looking at it for at least a year. Hopefully, Awesomely Shitty will continue to be your go-to place for the worst reviews on the Internet in 2013!

Awesomest/Shittiest Things of 2012

It’s that time once again, people. Time to look back at the awesomest and shittiest things of 2012. As always, it remains a struggle to find things for the awesome category, and to keep the shitty category to a minimum. Check it out:

Awesome

1. U.S. Presidential Election – Two years ago today, someone left a comment on the Awesomest/Shittiest Things of 2010 that said, “I wonder how the author would feel when Obama loses in 2012.” Well, I’ve been waiting a long time to answer this question, simply because I had to see who won the 2012 Presidential Election. Since Obama won, I guess we’ll never know how I would feel in the event of his loss. Nevertheless, his win was a glorious victory for socialism, comrades! Anyway, the 2012 Presidential Election was amazing because it gave us such great moments as Clint Eastwood talking to an empty chair, Paul Ryan loving to pump iron, Obama telling people if they had successful businesses, they “didn’t build that”, Romney saying how he had “binders full of women”, Obama blowing a huge lead, Romney having a vendetta against Big Bird, Obama completely fucking up the first debate, and Romney mentioning that “47%” of Americans are slovenly assholes who are completely dependent upon the teat of the government. This was a hilarious race from start to finish.
2. Jenny Johnson – Jenny Johnson is a twitter comedian who you can follow by looking her up at @JennyJohnsonHi5 and I highly recommend you do. She tweets the greatest non-sequiturs I have ever seen on the Internet. For example, “I thought by the time I was a successful 34-year old adult, I’d be tired of putting people’s yard reindeers in sex positions. I was wrong.” or “There are two kinds of women in the world, those who don’t wear makeup to the gym, and those who let guys cum on their faces.” or “Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try to contact her dead grandma on a Oujia board.” She writes all sorts of inappropriate and sexually explicit jokes. The best part about her is that she often replies to tweets from Kim Kardashian and Chris Brown. A few months ago, there was a very heated argument between Brown and Johnson. Brown used all his courage gained from his extensive years of women-beating to essentially tell Johnson he wanted to take a dump in her eyes. Johnson, actually being intelligent had plenty of comebacks for him. By the end of it, Brown was so butthurt he quit Twitter. Jenny Johnson put that piece of shit in his place. She’s my Internet hero (apart from myself, of course).
3. Mars Curiosity Rover – Curiosity landed on Mars on August 6, 2012. Its mission was to traverse the planet and collect data about the Red Planet from the biological to geological and more. In a short amount of time, we have already learned a number of new things about our interplanetary neighbor, all thanks to Curiosity. This could one day lead to the colonization of Mars. And, hey, if that gets us one step closer to banging hot alien babes, then I’m all for it.
4. Higgs Boson (maybe) discovered – I’m told that this is a super amazing scientific discover that will help us better understand how our universe works. I think. Well, to be honest, I always sucked at Physics, so I will have to take the scientists’ word for it. This was all made possible thanks to the Large Hadron Collider which made the 2010 Awesome List. I’m still waiting for the right atom to get smashed which will lead to the complete destruction of the universe.
5. Call Me Maybe – This Carly Rae Jepsen song was a mega-hit in the summer, and is still getting pretty frequent playtime on the air. It’s catchy as Hell. It’s a light pop song meant to be nothing but pure entertainment. So, I should hate it. But I don’t. No matter how hard I try, I just end up liking it even more. So, fuck you. Don’t judge me.
6. Jesus Painting Restoration (Ecce Homo) – The greatest most unintentionally hysterical artistic achievement of 2012 came from Spain. A small church had a 19th-century fresco of Jesus which was in need of restoration. Not knowing any better, the church hired 80-year-old amateur artist Cecilia Giminez to restore it. Unfortunately, she completely fucked it up. The image of Jesus changed from Savior of Mankind to vaguely-apelike-apparition-with-a-Zoolander-mouth. Her fuckup made international headlines, and became a hilarious meme all at once. The highlight of the story came when tourism in the town increased exponentially, and the church began to charge people to view the fresco. Ms. Giminez then sued the church to get a cut of the profits for all her hard-earned work.
7. Louie C.K. – Anyone in their right mind would nominate this guy for comedian of the year. He has the funniest show on TV, and is the funniest comic working today. His brand of humor manages to seamlessly blend comedy, drama, and reality. His ability to dig jokes out of everything from racism to masturbation to war to even more masturbation is the reason why he is a comedic genius. He goes where no one else will, and still manages to come out with great jokes every time. If you haven’t seen his show, or at least his recent SNL hosting gig, then you need to check him out.
8. Weekly (almost) Posts – Mrs. Brik advised me to try and shit out a post every week for the blog. Admittedly, I missed a week here or there, but for the most part, I posted something weekly. Obviously, this is a good thing because it kept the site more up to date, and you lucky readers (yes, both of you) got imparted with even more of my profound wisdom. Just don’t expect anything more than one post a week. The effort alone would probably kill me.

Shitty

1. U.S. Presidential Election – The problem with the 2012 Presidential Election was that you couldn’t avoid getting constantly bombarded by it. Every radio station, TV channel, magazine, and website were bearing some kind of election advertisement. Hell, I think the hookers were being sponsored by some candidate or another. Of course, we got great stuff from smaller races like the whole “legitimate rape” business, which just proves that the Republican Party is still the preferred political party for misogynistic assholes everywhere. Ultimately, the worst part of this race was that it solidified that candidates must pander to all sorts of scumbags in order to win a vote. The two party system is broken. All this election did was to prove that it didn’t matter who got elected. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
2. Almost every movie from 2012 – Joyful Noise, Haywire, Redtails, Underworld 17, One for the Money, Big Miracle, The Vow, Ghost Rider 2, Act of Valor, John Carter, Mirror Mirror, Wrath of the Titans, The Three Stooges, The Raven, The Avengers, Battleship, What to Expect When You’re Expecting, Prometheus, Rock of Ages, That’s My Boy, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, Madea’s Witness Protection, The Amazing Spider-Man, Savages, Ice Age 24, The Watch, Total Recall, The Odd Life of Timothy Green, Hit and Run, The Cold Light of Day, Resident Evil 70, Looper, Taken 2, Here Comes the Boom, Alex Cross, Paranormal Activity 32, Twilight Breaking Dawn Baby Vampire Fetus Falls in Love with a Werewolf Part 9, Red Dawn, Playing for Keeps, Jack Reacher, and The Hobbit. Whew. That’s a lot of shitty movies. The only new releases I can remember liking were The Dark Knight Rises and Skyfall. I hope this year Hollywood will try a little harder.
3. We Can’t Eat at Chick-Fil-A – In June, the COO of Chick-Fil-A made a statement against gay rights. He had been using proceeds from the restaurant to support legislation against gay marriage. Apparently, this had been going on since 2009, but didn’t hit the spotlight until last summer. Afterwards, nobody was allowed to eat at Chick-Fil-A anymore. Yeah, the chicken was dry, flavorless, and borderline grotesque, but the waffle fries were fucking amazing. Goddammit, Society! Are you trying to tell me that just because the COO of Chick-Fil-A is a homophobe, I’m no longer allowed to eat delicious waffle fries? In the immortal words of Jenny Johnson, “I’m gonna do my part and feed Chick-Fil-A waffle fries to a tranny through a glory hole today.”
4. 2012 Summer Olympics Opening/Closing Ceremonies – The 2008 Summer Olympics in China had the greatest Opening/Closing Ceremonies of all time. Literally thousands of people were moving and playing instruments in perfect synchronization. It’s something only the Chinese could accomplish with their amazing groupthink and natural martial-arts/flying abilities. The follow-up took place in England and was a massive fucking disappointment. Nobody expected them to top the Chinese, but it was seriously terrible. It featured a bunch of douchebags reciting Shakespeare and wearing top hats in an industrial revolution setting. ZZZzzzZZZzzz. To make matters worse, it wasn’t even that well executed. I asked my wife to wake me up when it got interesting, and guess what? I slept through the whole thing.
5. A Bunch of Shooting Rampages – Seriously, guys, what the fuck is going on? There were a billion mass shootings in the U.S. this year. Excluding the killers themselves, 81 people died in 13 separate events around the country. This kind of shit is ridiculous, and clearly things are spiraling out of control. We need two things to happen. First, the ban on assault weapons needs to be reinstated. It lapsed in 2004. There is no reason the NRA can justify the sale of fully automatic weapons with 30-round clips. That’s bullshit. All that shit needs to go. Second, this country needs to start taking the role of mental healthcare seriously. If someone is crazy, they need help. That’s the only way to really prevent these things from happening. The shooters aren’t just “evil”, they are mentally ill. And they could be treated so violence on this scale can come to an end.
6. Elmo is a Child Molester – Elmo has been a fixture of Sesame Street since the 1970s, but rose to prominence in the 1990s with puppeteer Kevin Clash. This year Clash was accused of having molested an underage boy. Pretty much everyone ignored it and gave Clash the benefit of the doubt. After all, Micheal Jackson slept in beds with little boys and never touched them, right? So why should Clash be any different? Then another boy came forward, and Clash resigned from Sesame Street. People started to think, “Eh, maybe he did it.” And then three more. OK, so it looks like Clash totally did molest all those kids. I can just imagine him feeling up those kids using his creepy Elmo voice. That’s more horrifying than all of  my worst nightmares combined.
7. 50 Shades of Grey – When Twilight was super-popular, every romance or teen-centric book on the shelves had cover-art that copied the artistic style of the Twilight books. Now that 50 Shades of Grey is popular, every romance or teen-centric book on the shelves has aped its cover-art style. If you thought Twilight was bad, well, 50 Shades is 50 times worse. I shit you not, it began as Twilight fan-fiction, written by someone using the moniker Snowqueen Icedragon. It’s about BDSM. Yeah, that’s right, it’s an incredibly popular fan-fiction about sexual sadomasichism. So, the next time your mom yells at you for finding porn in your room, just tell her it’s no different than her leaving a copy of 50 Shades on the coffee table.
8. End of the World Didn’t Happen – Obviously, the world wasn’t going to end on December 21st, 2012. It didn’t end in the year 2000, and it didn’t end every other time somebody went around spouting doomsday prophecies. The most ridiculous part was that the Maya didn’t predict the end of the world. Rather, their Long Count calendar ended on that date. And, naturally, a bunch of modern-day morons took that to mean the end of the world. Since the world is still around, we get a thousand more years of human idiocy to come.

Well, another year has come and gone. 2013 is just getting started. I’m sure there will be many more awesome and shitty things happening during the Earth’s long trek around the sun. Let’s hope, no matter what happens, we can ridicule them with reckless abandon.