The Hobbit: An Expected Cash Grab

It’s all about the Benjamins.

Peter Jackson can go suck a fuck. Yeah, that’s right, you heard me. I’m using Donnie Darko references over here. Jackson has become the George Lucas of Lord of the Rings. Lucas went back and filmed three shitty prequels to his revered Star Wars trilogy, and Jackson has made the exact same mistake with The Hobbit.

I’m not going to argue that The Hobbit as a film shouldn’t exist. In fact, it should. The 1937 book written by J.R.R. Tolkien is beloved by millions of people the world over. And since his later Lord of the Rings books were turned into films that became venerable smash-hits, it only makes sense that there should be a film of The Hobbit. Unforeseeable by anyone, the worst person for the job would be the same person who directed the Rings films.

Clearly, Peter Jackson caught lightning in a bottle when he directed the Rings films. He tried to recapture that magic from a decade ago, but failed miserably every step of the way. The tone of The Hobbit is vastly different from the later Rings books. It is lighter, faster-paced, and has more of a sense of wonder. Jackson, being a goddamn moron, tried to bend the material to fit into the exact same style of the Rings films. He tries to make it dark, somber, and epic all at the same time. For material that is inherently light and fun, this just doesn’t work. Scene after scene fails on almost every level. Technically, they look and sound great, but that’s about it. The writing doesn’t work, the acting is awkward, and you get a sense that nobody really knew what they hell they were doing when making this monstrosity.

“And in this scene you’ll be giving me fellatio. Don’t worry, it was in Tolkien’s appendices.”

Jackson has a raging boner for super long movies. The dude couldn’t even bring in a King Kong movie under three hours. So now, The Hobbit, which is the shortest of the four Tolkien books, has been turned into THREE FUCKING MOVIES! How the fuck are they expecting to turn a 300 page book into three movies that are all three hours long? The answer is: make them all really shitty.

Here’s how I imagine early planning meetings went down:

Peter Jackson: I want to make a movie of The Hobbit.

Studio Executive: Harry Potter and Twilight and The Hunger Games are all getting split into multiple movies. So you should split The Hobbit into two parts so we can make more money.

Peter Jackson: I think Tolkien wrote some shit on a napkin once. And I have a copy of his laundry list. We could film that stuff and make three movies.

Studio Executive: Brilliant idea!

Peter Jackson: And I could make all the movies three hours long so they will feel epic.

Studio Executive: You know what else would make them feel epic? Changing the Riddles in the Dark Scene from telling riddles to Bilbo and Gollum having a dance battle instead. All the kids are into dance battles these days.

Peter Jackson: I’ll do it on one condition. You let me film the movies in an unnaturally high and weird-looking framerate.

Studio Executive: Can we charge people extra for that?

Peter Jackson: Definitely.

Studio Executive: Then it’s a deal.

Unfortunately, yes.

Saying The Hobbit Part 1 is “bloated” is kind of like saying Rush Limbaugh is a little overweight. Every fucking scene goes on endlessly. There is so much unnecessary shit, it borders on the absurd. Did we need to begin the movie with a crazy Dragon-attack scene? No. Did we need to see Old Bilbo reminiscing about his adventures, and having a chat with Frodo? No. It could have easily began with Young Bilbo meeting Gandalf. All that extra shit is just padding to make the movie longer. The dining scene with the dwarves in Bilbo’s house must run at least half an hour. It could easily have been done in 10-15 minutes. The plodding pace, and the fact that every scene is stretched out until it’s about to snap, make it hard to even sit still while watching this movie.

It gets even worse as the movie drags on. Radagast the Brown, a wizard with bird shit on his head, is an assault on everyone’s better judgment. He rides a sleigh pulled by rabbits (and yes, it’s as gay as it sounds), he fights bad guys, and he brings animals back from the dead. He does all this, even though he doesn’t even fucking show up in the book. Galadriel appears in an incredibly bland scene, and she isn’t in the book either. The Pale Orc, who I don’t recall being in the book, is a Super Villain that hounds the heroes at every turn. All these changes do nothing except lengthen the movie, and make it more “Hollywood” so it will be palatable for the retarded masses.

Don’t worry, Brodo is going to show up in the extended editions.

Every small encounter becomes an epic battle. In the book, the trolls caught Bilbo and the dwarves, and argued about how to cook them until the sun rose and they were turned to stone. In the movie that happens, too, but only after a heated battle with them. Even run-ins with goblins become epic set pieces meant to evoke the battles of the previous Rings movies. Instead of feeling epic, the movie feels tedious.

Jackson tries to make Thorin Oakenshield into the new Aragorn, by giving him a regal style, and making him the strong and silent type. When he rushes into battle with his sword raised and theme song playing, he looks like a goofball. He doesn’t evoke any sense of heroism or majesty. He’s just sort of… there. Similarly, all the dwarves blend together, each completely devoid of personality. Although, this is probably more a problem of the source material than any fault of Jackson’s.

“If I squeeze hard enough, this turd will come out!”

One thing that was great about the Rings films was that the orcs were all humans in makeup. Therefore, the battles with them looked far more realistic. Anytime you can use reality in a movie, it will always trump using computer generated effects. Well, Jackson said, “FUCK THAT SHIT!” and went for as much CGI as possible. All the bad guys from trolls to goblins to orcs are fully CGI. They look all right for the most part, as long as they aren’t walking, running, fighting, talking, or doing anything that involves motion.

The soundtrack is disappointing. It wasn’t bad by any means, but the Rings soundtrack was fucking brilliant. The Hobbit soundtrack just pales in comparison. That Misty Mountains theme is woven throughout, but it isn’t rousing like the main theme from the Rings movies. Again, they tried to keep it close to what worked before, but in doing so it was not differentiated enough to make it unique or good.

“Look at the size of this thing! No wonder Bilbo had such a hard time shitting it out. I suppose I shouldn’t have cast that You Shall Not Pass spell on his anus.”

The Hobbit was in Development Hell for a long time. Jackson originally didn’t want to direct, probably because he realized he couldn’t do the material justice. Unfortunately, Guillermo del Toro dropped out as director after a million production delays. With its vastly different tone, The Hobbit needed to have a different director. It did not need a megalomaniac at the helm who thinks every movie needs to be three hours long. And since Jackson had already added so much unnecessary shit, would it have killed him to include the Troll Toll song from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia?

“You gotta pay the Troll Toll if you wanna get into that boy’s hole, you gotta pay the Troll Toll to get in.”

The overarching problem with The Hobbit Part 1 is one of “too much of a good thing.” Being the greedy bastards that they are, Jackson and the studio stretched a fairly short book into three massive films. In order to accomplish this, each scene suffers from being far too long and stuffed with every minor detail that Tolkien had ever mentioned. The pacing kills the film, but so does Jackson’s insistence that this movie fall exactly in line with how his previous Rings films looked and felt. Jackson completely fucked up, and it is all too apparent when watching this bloated carcass of what could have been a great movie.

Verdict: Shitty

23 Responses to “The Hobbit: An Expected Cash Grab”

  1. January 18, 2013 at 6:01 pm

    next week:
    Previously on FRINGE

  2. January 19, 2013 at 11:13 am

    LOL. Ok, I obviously dont house as much bitterness and vitriol towards the movie as you do (is such a thing even possible, LOL) But once again, you make several valid points, and even your unbalanced ranting comes across as funny.

    You have a lot of stuff that cant be argued with. Peter Jackson doesn’t even understand the word “short” except in context to hobbits. This movie didn’t need to be three hours long, nor did it need to be a trilogy. Thus said, it is what it is, and the added material is nowhere near the sucky ass albatross you make it out to be.

    The decision to go CGI with the orcs and goblins though was immensly regrettable. Verdict: shitty. Again, no killer for me, but probably the point I agree with the most.

    I liked Radagast. I thought he was funny.

    I think the biggest thing is, everytime he tried to interject that Lord of the Rings tone, it fell flat. I do wish he hadnt done that as well. I would have liked the hobbit to be the hobbit you know?

    All in all though, this was great fun, and good fantasy filmmaking. Didnt make my top ten of the year, but its easily top twenty. As far as big budget blockbusters go, this was one of the best of the year. I enjoyed it immensly and cant wait for the next one.

    Nice memes. You do those all yourself? 😀 Good stuff!

    Oh, and I second Matt, I cant wait to hear youre Fringe post mortem. 🙂

    • January 20, 2013 at 9:09 am

      I’m glad we agree on a few points: the movie’s length, the ridiculous CGI, the inappropriate tone. I didn’t hate the idea of including Radagast, but I certainly felt he was too Yuck Yuck “funny” and felt extremely out of place. I didn’t hate every moment. When Jackson kept it closer to the source material (such as with the Riddles in the Dark scene) the movie really clicked. Too bad he didn’t have the foresight to do the whole movie that way. I’ll still watch the next one, as well. Hopefully, he will take some of the many criticisms to heart and “fix” his errors.

      I did make the photoshop at the top of the page. Brodo, I found on the Internet. He was too hilarious not to include.

  3. January 22, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    That is the funniest thing I have read all week.

  4. January 23, 2013 at 8:30 pm

    Good review. Not a great movie, but a very entertaining one that deserves to be seen in the regular-version, mainly because the 48fps seems to be messing everybody up. Myself included.

    • January 24, 2013 at 7:49 am

      I suppose there were moments I found entertaining. Yes, I agree that it should only be seen in the non-48-fps version. I prefer to have my movies look cinematic, and not like a soap-opera.

  5. January 28, 2013 at 8:12 am

    Find myself agreeing with a lot of what you said. Maybe I’m just more forgiving. Or weak. I think it’s the latter.

    The CGI orcs and goblins were too much. I’m at a loss as to why they were CGI too. If they could do real Uruk-hai, why not these guys? The whole albino lead villain orc was a massive let down. Forcing it into the film just to give the film that villain. It didn’t need it.

    Thorin as Aragorn v.2.0 wasn’t a bright idea either. I wasn’t expecting Thorin to be represented in such a way. But clearly PJ and co felt like this trilogy needed an Aragorn. Why? Feck knows.

    The fact that there are going to be 2 more is a joke. No disagreement from me here on that. I can understand wanting to put more of Middle Earth’s history onto celluloid. But 3 films?

    Think I’m seeing the film through rose tinted glasses. Glad it wasn’t 3D glasses. Dodged a bullet there.

    • January 28, 2013 at 2:46 pm

      Thank you. Finally, somebody else who agrees with the Argaron 2.0 sentiment. While a lot of people enjoyed the hell out of this movie, I really don’t see it standing the test of time.10, 20, 50 years from now it will be a joke. Or worse still, a footnote.

  6. 13 Kyle
    February 19, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    I completely disagree with the verdict because I found the movie interesting because this movie was acted out amazingly and the only thing that sucks is that it’s been broken down into three parts

  7. 15 Craig
    April 26, 2013 at 1:06 am

    I’m going to skip the rest of your shitty rant about what we all know to say this:

    You’re a goddamn moron and fool if you think that 48 frames per second is “unnaturally high” or “weird looking” Do you think the brain only processes visual stimulation at 24 fps? Are you that fucking dense? The fucking computer you typed this shitty review on displays at 60 fps natively, or possibly 75, or 90, or maybe even 120, depending on the monitor or tv it is connected to. I for one am thankful that someone finally changed from god-awful broadcast tv quality framerates to something a bit more modern.

    So you can go suck a fuck for being an idiot.

    • April 26, 2013 at 3:46 pm

      It must be horrible being you. Subjected to watching every movie and TV show ever made in 24fps. Your ultra-evolved brain simply can’t handle it. Please get well soon, ok, buddy?

  8. 17 Charlie
    June 7, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    I just stumbled on to this beautiful gem of writing, thank you brikhaus for defending my braincells i thought it may have just been some kind of stroke that i must have had during the movie from the fastforward frame rates that made everything seem like but indeed it truly was the movies fuckery to blame. I was laughing outloud at some parts of this perfect review. It was like the southpark episode where george lucas and steven spielberg forcibly raped indiana jones over a pinball machine, except this was in high def alien speed framerate and i actually gave a shit about these movies. Thanks hollywood for managing to fuck up a guarantee radagast is the new jarjar binx and the great goblin is a giant herpe. Fuck i dont even care anymore i just want the second one too hurry up and suck so i can read another brikhaus review

    • 18 Charlie
      June 7, 2013 at 2:54 pm

      Forgot to add “shit” in my comment, thought i must had had a stroke during the movie that made it seem like “shit”. Now i feel better thats rectified. or you know what u can just plug “shit” in any context of my comment before and after every word even, thats how shitty the hobbit was, it hurt me on a personal level for every reason you said and so many, many more. Lol brodo still has me chucklin

      • June 9, 2013 at 11:34 am

        I’m glad my post restored your faith in humanity. Don’t worry, I’ll definitely review the next two movies. Thanks for dropping by.

  9. 20 canman
    December 24, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    I agree wholeheartedly… although, I think you went too light on it. What they’ve done to it is a complete travesty

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January 2013


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