The Zen of Spam 3

Maintaining a blog for over four years has its perks. One of the best parts is getting great spam messages in the comment inbox. While most of them are links to porn sites or incoherent gibberish, there are a few comedic gems. I have listed some of my favorites, in no particular order. Read them and meditate. To understand them is to achieve enlightenment.

• F*ckin? awesome things here. I?m very satisfied to see your article. Thanks so much and i am having a look ahead to touch you. Will you kindly drop me a e-mail?

Thanks? a lot for the compliment. I?m very satisfied to see your spam comment. Thanks so much and i am having a look ahead to… TOUCH ME?! Holy shit! I think this spambot is stalking me.

• she is about to masturbate in the bedroom in a hotel room after taking her clothes off when her girlfriend s dude buddy knocks at the door.

Woah, that sounds really fucking hot. It’s like I’m reading Penthouse Forum all of a sudden. Hey, don’t stop there. What happens next? I’ve got my tissues and lotion ready. Don’t leave me hanging!

• Had a wardrobe fitting for the next season of iCarly! Freddie’s clothes are Freddie-er than ever. And I still fit in last season’s jeans! 😀

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS! ONE OF THE CAST MEMBERS FROM iCARLY READS MY BLOG! SQUEEEE! Ahem. But why does it have to be Freddie? Why can’t it be Carly instead? She’s legal now, right?

• The people who are doing the work are the moving force behind the Macintosh. My job is to create a space for them, to clear out the rest of the organization and keep it at bay. Steve Jobs

Yeah, yeah, Macintosh this and Macintosh that. I wish you’d stop telling everyone how great the Macintosh is, Steve. Wait a second, aren’t you dead? It looks like you uploaded your ghost to the Internet, and now you haunt me by posting barely comprehensible spam comments.

• I drink a lot

So do I.

• That’s just great. By the way I thought perchance that you would find Jason Statham workout routine cool.

Jason Statham is the man. Perchance are you the same spambot who told me I wrote the greatest Jason Statham articles for my very first Zen of Spam post? Either that, or you really are Jason Statham. First iCarly, then Steve Jobs, and now Jason Statham. Awesomely Shitty is turning into a regular hang-out for celebrities.

• Play assassin’s creed bro and then show that tiny ass of yours

I have played Assassin’s Creed, bro. Where would you like me to show off my tiny ass?

• With better technology, computer systems are like autos. These are like autos because only a few people truly appreciate how these people operate and the ways to repair these people. Laptop or computer infections are the ideal example of this particular as numerous individuals don’t grasp all of them. However fails using laptop or computer then they will need to have the herpes simplex virus. This post is going to have a look at a number of the greatest misguided beliefs there are with regards to viruses. The initial fable that the majority of men and women seem to have is actually their particular computer features eliminate this should have a virus about it. Even if this certainly could be genuine, it is not true in all cases. The explanation for this really is easy. Infections need to have a doing work personal computer to continue to distributed. When the pc doesn’t work then the infections can not spread. Another fable happens when you have a few anti-virus computer software, they are safe via viruses. This kind of is just not the truth. The reason behind this is that you have always new viruses staying manufactured if that you do not continually update your software you are going to get attacked. Make sure you keep your software up to date.

All I got out of this spam comment was that, somehow, the herpes virus is infecting computers. Thanks for the warning. I’ll be sure to ignore any fables from anti-virus software in the future.

• How much a dunce that has been sent to roam Excels a dunce that has been kept at home… Great contest follows, and much learned dust Involves the combatants; each claiming truth, And truth disclaiming both…

That’s a very beautiful poem about dunces, Poetry Spambot. Please tell me more about the dust combatants proclaiming truths. I’m quite intrigued.

• So, hire out’s talk summer redolent corn. I assuredly, what more safely a improved etiquette memo than scented corn. I technique, you got all that butter, you got it all over your hands, gets all over with your announce, all over and beyond your chin. Up to date crop corn, of obviously Florida has been supplying corn for a extensive time. But contemporarily, we start in Southern California, in the desert region of California. And when they start, that uncommonly is the bona fide city. Look at this corn right here.

How did you know I love corn so much? And how did you know about my sloppy butter technique? It does get all over my hands and beyond my chin. Wait a second. This kind of sounds like a porno. Is butter a metaphor for semen? No, no, no, that can’t be it. Someone as wholesome as Corn Spambot would never be that gross.

• Have you seen the Avengers chuyen van phong tron goi yet? Heavenly Toledo, what a huge blockbuster already, nothing but in whole weekend. So I thought it would be teasingly to talk there the “Avengers” of the produce department. There are some Avengers in the produce department.

Why no, I haven’t seen The Avengers Chuyen Van Phong Tron Goi yet. Is that the sequel? Heavenly Toledo, would you quit teasing me with the promise of finding Avengers in the produce department? Last time I went to the grocery store, I could not find a single Avenger anywhere. When I asked for help, the employees looked at me like I was a nutcase.

• From CNN.com Please email me with some hints about how you made this blog site look this good , I would be appreciative.

Well, CNN.com, your website looks like complete and utter shit compared to mine. It’s no wonder you are asking for my help. I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you how I made this blog look so good. That would be like asking Monet how he paints so well.

• The very next time I read a blog, Hopefully it won’t fail me just as much as this particular one. I mean, I know it was my choice to read, however I truly thought you would probably have something helpful to talk about. All I hear is a bunch of crying about something that you could fix if you weren’t too busy seeking attention.

Ouch! Too harsh. I think I’m going to run away and cry.

• You and Your website seem very yummy!!! I love chocolate! your blog is good! I’ll visit again 🙂 God Bless You

You see? That’s the kind of comment all of you should be leaving. Telling me I’m yummy like chocolate. Really stroke my ego, people.

• I love what you guys are up too. This type of clever work and exposure! Keep up the superb works guys I’ve you guys to my own blogroll, I suggest, you could include more variety of topics for example you can write about cialis effects and others.

Thanks for the comment, Cialis Spambot. I’m glad you enjoy the blog! I’m not sure what I can say about Cialis that you don’t already know. You take the pill, you get hard, and then you get butter all over your hands and beyond your chin.

• If Apple did not invent computers and Starbucks didnt invent coffee drinks, precisely why had they become so productive? The journey to offer the most up-to-date and more challenging products, though highly intoxicating, is often a somewhat jampacked line of business. Preferably, Apple and Starbucks built their own niche.

Fuck you, Steve Jobs’ Ghost! Get the hell away from my blog! I’m warning you! Next time you show up to peddle your hipster doofus techno-crap, I’m going to perform an exorcism!

• krummer! why not fuck off now and farm yer 2 wisker beard you asshole

blammaro! why not fuck of now and parking lot urn 7 lariot mohawk you asshole (I speak gibberish fluently.)

• I just wanted to say that so many of you “artists” and “writers” aren’t as important as you think you are!

I don’t consider myself an “artist” or a “writer”. I like to think of myself as a “troll” or “dirtbag” more than anything else. As far as trolls go, I do think I’m pretty important.

• Shorter washboard tummy husbands would be wise to keep from wearing dirt bike pants And trousers during a waist. Diminished midsection pants aren’t going to be the proper option for you. Tucking your individual top may not be a sensible alternate. Pullovers are typically inclined with regards to your characteristics. Very short really system leads certainly are over-all completely no merely because they can discuss a person’s modest waistline. Form a contrast idea doesn’t seem superb precisely as it may likely impact the very erect run. Now an important combo concerning white pair of shoes and furthermore black trouser really should not used. You can ask your new personalise to help keep a great within large directly on middle though spending capacity.

What the fuck, Fashion Spambot? Is there anything I’m allowed to wear? Since I have rock-hard washboard abs I am not allowed to wear dirt bike pants, trousers with a waist, diminished midsection pants (whatever those are), tucked in shirts, or white shoes with black trousers. The only thing that I can wear are pullovers, huh? How the fuck am I supposed to show off my rock-hard washboard abs wearing a pullover? THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF HAVING ROCK-HARD WASHBOARD ABS! SO I CAN SHOW THEM OFF!

• Twice over breast hat possibly be appropriate for you’ll if you want to put a stop to readers’ little brown eyes due to going down predominantly on the thighs. As a result young men currently think you are working out change householder’s your attention? Choose to get straps which also has a important utility belt.

Mmmmm, breast hat. Mmmmm, little brown eyes going down on thighs. Mmmmmm, utility belt? Is this from Batman?

• Do you have a spam issue on this website; I also am a blogger, and I was wanting to know your situation; we have developed some nice methods and we are looking to swap techniques with others, please shoot me an email if interested.

Why yes, I happen to have a spam issue on this website. How could you tell?

• Be indubitably extraordinarily honest: do you miss scraggy asparagus or do you want the successful cushy asparagus? Meagre or fat? You know, when it comes to us, we need, of class, to be healthy. You know, I don’t talk with regard to fat or bony, I talk hither, we desideratum to be healthy. Amiably, disillusion admit me talk fro bony clear me deliver you the “skinny” on underweight asparagus.

More produce-related spam? I am willing to bet money this is the only website in the world that gets produce-related spam. To be indubitably, extraordinarily honest, I don’t even like asparagus. Not the scraggy kind, not the cushy kind, and certainly not the fat or bony kinds.

• i’ve done all my piano grades 1-8 including theory. does that make me classically trained?

Dear Spambot, I know you think you’re clever, leaving this comment on a Classically Shitty post. But you have kind of missed the point altogether.

• 3. This may even require that you offer someone a place to sleep or a cab ride home. Utilize great tiongkok along with cups instead of disposable discs, cups, and also plastic material utensils.

Dear 3, I always try to utilize great tiongkok’s instead of plastic utensils, but it’s a lot of work to clean them. Sometimes it’s just easier to use disposable stuff. Do you have any idea how long it takes me to clean my great tiongkok? Hours! I have to clean off the whole back patio before I can even get started! Not to mention the fact I have to wait for the water to heat up. My great tiongkok hates getting washed in cold water. The last time I did that, I never heard the end of it.

• You can manually “Lift and Appearance” to verify your toast without the need of canceling the toasting cycle.

How would you recommend I do that? Should I jam a fork in the toaster?

• Hands down, Apple’s app store wins by a mile. It’s a huge selection of all sorts of apps vs a rather sad selection of a handful for Zune. Microsoft has plans, especially in the realm of games, but I’m not sure I’d want to bet on the future if this aspect is important to you. The iPod is a much better choice in that case.

GODDAMN YOU, STEVE JOBS’ GHOST! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE! I guess the exorcism didn’t work after all. Looks like it’s time to call the Ghostbusters.

• this is so good. i wish to meet you one day.

Uh oh. I think Stalker Spambot is back.

There you have it. A profound collection of spam. I hope you liked it. Consider your mind expanded. Or blown. Whichever works.

The Zen of Spam 2012

The Zen of Spam 2011