21
Jun
13

Haywire, Louie Season 2

Haywire

She looks better with her hair covering her face.

What do you get when you cross Ocean’s 11 with The Bourne Identity? A steaming pile of shit, that’s what. This 2011 movie was written by Lem Dobbs whose previous work included such gems as Dark City. It’s directed by Steven Soderbergh who filmed the aforementioned Ocean’s movies. Haywire is about a beautiful female spy (is there any other kind?) who gets betrayed on a mission and has to go on the run. 90% of the screentime is dedicated to Mallory (played by Gina Carano) avoiding capture by spies or police. At times she must outwit them, and other times she must beat the crap out of people. This is exactly what happens in all the Bourne movies. The espionage angle and the fights are portrayed realistically, just like in the Bourne movies. However, unlike the Bourne movies, this movie eschews madcap pacing necessary to build tension and keep viewers interested. Haywire insists on being slow and methodical, even during chase scenes. Mallory doesn’t seem particularly in a hurry even though everyone wants to kill her. For example, after she kills the man who was supposed to assassinate her, she takes a shower, does her makeup, and makes a phone call before vacating the premesis.

Carano, a former martial artist turned actor, is headlining in her first major motion picture. Her acting, as expected, is just as good as any former martial artist turned actor: shitty. You could easily replace her with Chuck Norris or Steven Seagal, and get the same caliber of wooden line delivery. The only difference is that Carano has a pair of tits, so I suppose that makes her better than those other guys. Soderbergh does a terrible job directing. Clearly, he wishes he had been a movie director in the 1970s. All the framings, the zoom-ins and zoom-outs, random use of black and white, and weird lens filters scream 1970s. Hey, guess what, Soderbergh? We aren’t living in the 1970s. Get over it. You can’t make a Bourne movie and film it like an Ocean’s movie. It just doesn’t work.

Haywire happens to have a pretty good cast, including Awesomely Shitty favorite Michael F. Assbender, Channing “C-Tates” Tatum, Ewan McGregor, Bill Paxton, Antonio Banderas, and Michael Douglas. Sadly, the good actors (Douglas and Banderas) get the least amount of screen time possible. The majority of the film is taken up by the people who suck at acting, namely Carano and C-Tates. Lastly, the story is goddamn retarded. The double-cross against Mallory makes no sense. If the bad guys hadn’t involved her in the first place, their plan would have totally worked. Let’s not forget how Mallory, who is a fucking spy, has a bad case of verbal diarrhea, spilling the entire events of the movie to a hostage who looks like the poor man’s version of James McAvoy. Why did she do that? It is a narrative device, obviously, but they could have just as easily told the story through a flashback, and not made Mallory look so stupid. All in all, this movie sucks ass. The lethargic pacing, the crappy acting, the faux-70s directing, and the fact that Soderbergh just can’t handle the material all make this movie a big ole turd.

Verdict: Shitty

Louie Season 2

Louie doesn’t look too thrilled to have his own TV show.

The second season of Louie continues the harsh, honest, and hilarious look at the titular comedian’s life. After watching two seasons of the show, I realize that it doesn’t really conform to the typical narrative structure you see anywhere else. It is mostly a series of vignettes in the life of Louis C.K. If anything, you could say it is a bunch of disconnected short stories that can be pretty horrifying, but Louis somehow manages to extract humor from them. Although the first season was amazing, I think the second season was consistently better. Every episode was memorable, or at least had memorable parts. The two highlights for me were the episode where Louis meets comedian Dane Cook and they talk about Cook having been accused of stealing Louis’ jokes, and the hour-long episode where Louis inadvertently takes a duckling to Afghanistan while performing a few USO shows for the troops. Incredibly, the show manages to be extremely high quality with Louis taking on acting, writing, directing, producing, and editing duties. If he isn’t a one-man production team, then I don’t know what is. Season 2 continues the greatness of the first, and is highly recommended.

Verdict: Awesome

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7 Responses to “Haywire, Louie Season 2”


  1. June 21, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    From what I can tell, I’m in the minority of those who actually like this movie. I’ll admit the first time I watched it I was more confused about the story than anything, but the action was awesome, and Carano did a good enough job acting. She’s no thespian, but I think it’s much better for roles like that to go to people with the physicality who can make me believe they are who they’re portraying. I don’t think she was shitty in the acting department…she did enough of what was required. On the second viewing, it all made more sense, so I enjoyed the whole thing more. It’s not for everyone, but I like it.

    • June 22, 2013 at 10:06 am

      That’s cool you liked it. I could see how someone could. I was not a fan of any of this film’s various aspects.

      • 3 Saint Vitus
        July 22, 2013 at 11:43 pm

        I didn’t have any problem with Carano’s performance. In fact, I kind of liked the picture, all in all. But perhaps I have a weakness for movies about ass-kicking ladies (I can’t think of a single one besides Charlie’s Angels and Tomb Raider that I hated), and discount their flaws.

  2. June 22, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    I like Haywire to a limited extent as well. The pacing that you criticize is one of the aspects that appealed to me, actually, it definitely wasn’t the same old typical balls to the wall fifth gear action movie. That said, its hard to get around the fact Carano isn’t a great actress, and the actual plot was thin as hell. 😦 So you’re not completely off base Brik.

    Anyways, even if you were, no one shreds a movie like you. LOL

  3. 6 Saint Vitus
    July 22, 2013 at 11:35 pm

    I think you hit the nail squarely on the head with regard to Louie. I also thought the first season was somewhat inconsistent, but that the second was awesome from start to finish.

    Have you seen the third season? I felt tremendously let down by it.

    On the other hand, I was fortunate enough to see CK do standup twice in the past year. By God, he’s great.

    I’m glad he’s giving himself plenty of time to make the fourth season. I think the third suffered maybe because he was simultaneously working on his act. Also because Pamela Adlon wasn’t in it at all. What the fuck happened to her?

    • July 24, 2013 at 9:46 pm

      I haven’t seen the third season yet. But if Pamela moved to France at the end of season two, it would make sense for her not to be in season three.


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