Archive for July, 2013

27
Jul
13

The Perks of Being a Wallflower (Spoilers: There Aren’t Any)

Which kid is supposed to be the interesting one?

Wallflower: noun – A person who from shyness or unpopularity remains on the sidelines of a social activity.

Right off the bat, this movie screams overwrought indie trash. I can’t think of a bigger cliche than the tale of a bunch of misfits who band together to deal with the trials of high school, and learn from each other while they grow into adults. Barf.

The main character, Charlie Dipshit, starts off as a wallflower. He’s a kid that was shy and unpopular, and didn’t have any friends going into high school. Apparently, he had one friend, but that kid killed himself. Honestly, if I was such a loser that Charlie was one of my friends, I’d probably kill myself, too. Anyway, Wallflower Charlie Dipshit doesn’t know anybody in high school, and the only “friend” he can make in his first day of school is his English teacher, Paul Rudd.

I’m not exactly sure how Wallflower Charlie Dipshit can have absolutely no friends. Did he get held back in school? Apparently not, because he’s a genius, which is another giant cliche. Puke. The movie states he has no friends because he has “mental problems” and therefore nobody likes him. Actually, this could have an element of truth to it, as there is a giant social stigma attached to mental illness. However, Charlie looks around at his freshman classmates like he is a new kid in town, and knows no one. He would know some of these people, because he’s been going to school with them for the last 9 years. So, the movie fails with its opening statement of why Wallflower Loser Charlie Dipshit has no friends.

Continue reading ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower (Spoilers: There Aren’t Any)’

20
Jul
13

Man of Steel Left Skidmarks All Over the Planet

Why does the Man of Steel wear so much Spandex, anyway?

BrikHaus

Man of Steel is the 2013 GRRR DARK AND GRITTY GRRR reboot of the Superman franchise. And like its predecessors, it manages to soar to unseen heights of mediocrity. There are so many problems with this movie, when I think about them, my head spins. Instead of writing a coherent review with thematic flow, I’m just going to take a shit all over this post, kind of like the movie did to the audience.

First, we get a half-hour long battle with Russell Crowe fighting CGI bad guys while riding flying dragons from Avatar. I can’t recall Jor-El being featured so heavily in any other Superman film. But, fuck it, they managed to get the Gladiator himself, so they better just fucking use him, yeah? After what seems like an eternity of space battles, the movie finally gets to the goddamn point. Jor-El eats it, Superman gets sent into space, and Krypton blows up. Couldn’t they have done all that in, like, 10 minutes? Did it have to be a 30 minute extravaganza? I honestly thought I was watching the climax of the movie. And it’s all downhill from there.

“My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.”

Later, we get an interchange of present day and flashbacks. Henry Cavill plays Clark Kent/Superman. He is lost in the world, travelling from place to place, helping people, staying off the ra– HOLY SHIT CHECK OUT THAT DUDE’S ABS! HE IS TOTALLY FUCKING RIPPED! I’M NOT EVEN GAY AND I HAVE A MAJOR BONER FOR THIS GUY RIGHT NOW! I THINK ALL THE WOMEN IN THE THEATER JUST SQUIRTED IN THEIR PANTIES! Eventually, Clark gets a job in Canada or someplace, and finds an ancient Kryptonian spaceship.

Continue reading ‘Man of Steel Left Skidmarks All Over the Planet’

15
Jul
13

Happy (Shitty) Five Year Anniversary

Well, it’s happened, folks. I’ve wasted five perfectly good years of my life working on this blog. I’d like to thank those of you who drop by and leave comments and/or hate messages on a regular basis. You know who you are. Without you, trashing shitty movies and anime wouldn’t be half as much fun.

To celebrate the big day, Mrs. Brik and I decided to go to Hawaii. We stayed at a luxurious private beach, drank the finest champagne, snorkeled off the coast, and ate the flesh of endangered species. I may or may not have participated in hunting humans for sport. Hey, you only turn five once, right? Might as well live it up.

As a treat for all of you, I have put links to the most popular posts of all time from the last five years. If you have already seen these, now is your chance to relive the magic. If you haven’t, please enjoy.

  1. 20 Awesomest Anime of the Decade
  2. 20 Shittiest Anime of the Decade
  3. Fake Indie Movies (AKA Fuck You, Hipsters)
  4. Things I Hate About Assassin’s Creed
  5. Classically Shitty: Breakfast at Tiffany’s
  6. Red Dead Redemption Can Go to Hell
  7. Your Wedding Sucked
  8. Conan the Barbarian – Probably the Greatest Movie Ever Made
  9. Michael F. Assbender is in Everything
  10. Reasons Why Predator is Better than The King’s Speech
  11. Okami is the Poor Man’s Zelda
  12. Avatard Me Up (AKA Everyone is an Idiot)

Let’s see if The Man allows me to go another year.




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