21
Sep
13

You Just Wasted $35

I wish I could see my movies here.

People are assholes.

There is no sense of common courtesy anymore. Everyone just cares about themselves and nobody gives a fuck about others.

That much became clear to me recently when Mrs. Brik and I went to the movies. The film itself isn’t important. What is important is how it got disrupted by a couple of big fucking douchebags. We were watching the movie and having a good time. More than anything, just getting out of the house, regardless of what cinematic turd we watch, can be an enjoyable endeavor. This movie has been out for a while, and the theater was only about 20% full. We were not in the last row, but near the back and no one else was behind us.

The movie was only 95 minutes long. These two assholes walk in, I shit you not, 60 minutes into the film. They drop themselves into empty seats two rows behind us with a mighty thump. I thought the chairs were going to break. They start chomping on some popcorn so loudly it sounded like they were grinding nuts and bolts from ACE Hardware. Seriously, I have never even noticed people eating popcorn around me in a movie before this. I couldn’t hear Mrs. Brik chewing popcorn next to me. But now I can hear these two fuckers chowing down two fucking rows back! Jesus Christ.

For the first 5 minutes or so, they were just eating loudly. It was annoying, sure, but maybe they had traumatic brain injuries or something and didn’t know how to eat in public. But then, as the movie entered the third act, they decided it was time to start talking.

Believe me when I tell you that these guys NEVER shut up during a movie.

They were chatting about everyday crap, gossiping about some bullshit friend/relationship drama, and occasionally laughing. And not a normal hushed chuckle like you’d expect when your friend makes a witty one-liner about the movie. Oh no, not that at all. The guy would guffaw and the girl would hysterically cackle, and both of them would do it as loudly as humanly possible. It wasn’t directed at the movie either, because it would be during a lull or in the middle of an action sequence. It was clearly tied to their bullshit banter.

It goes without saying that I was super pissed off. It took me right out of the movie; I could no longer follow it. All I could manage to follow was that Brenda was dating Barry and Barry was also with Shaniqua and Barry’s baby mama Rene was trying to win him back but if Rene’s dad Leroy found out he would probably kill Barry. THAT’S what I got out of the final third of the movie. I couldn’t tell you what the fuck happened on screen.

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR GODDAMN MANNERS?! WHO THE FUCK RAISED YOU TO ACT LIKE THAT?!

These assholes got plenty of “shushs” from the other people in the audience, and one guy even got up, walked back to where they were sitting, and told them to shut the fuck up. So, they were not just bothering me. They quieted for maybe a minute, two if I’m being generous, but then got right back to the cacophony of verbal diarrhea.

Finally, and this is the best part, they left the movie when there was about 5 minutes left. While I was able to comprehend the climax, a great deal was lost because I couldn’t concentrate on anything leading up to that moment.

As we were driving home, I got to thinking about this bizarre event. These two people paid full price for tickets and then bought popcorn and presumably soda to go along with it. That probably cost them around $35 total. And for what? To catch 30 minutes of a random action/sci-fi movie, and then leave just before it ends? They weren’t even watching it in the first place! And no, they were not just killing time in there until the movie they really wanted to see started, because this was the last showing of any movie for the day. I guess they could have finished the movie they came to see and then jumped into this one for the hell of it, but nobody does that. When your movie is over, you go home. If you theater hop, you don’t do it when there aren’t any other showings.

So, I’m not sure what these fuckos were up to. It seems like their sole purpose that evening was to blow $35 just to ruin a movie for some unfortunate theater goers. Why would you waste your money like that? Why not make some popcorn at home, order a pizza, and watch a Netflix all for $10 instead — AND you can gossip and laugh like morons to your heart’s content? They didn’t do that because they’re self-absorbed, oblivious assholes.

Fuck those fuckers.

This is why I stopped going to the movies in the first place. Guess I won’t be going back anytime soon.

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13 Responses to “You Just Wasted $35”


  1. September 21, 2013 at 3:21 pm

    OMG! That’s crazy! My little brother took me to see Return of the King for my birthday when they rereleased it with all the extended addition footage and Peter Jackson addressing the audience before hand. Three rows in front of us a guy checked his phone like every three minutes. He didn’t do anything. Just checked his phone. So through this whole epic, amazing birthday present this light glared in the corner of my eye. I was so frustrated. Like why go to a four hour movie if you’re constantly checking your phone. I keep telling myself maybe his friends was in labor or something but it was still really annoying.

  2. 4 Starring Ryan Goschlong, Bradley's Poopchute, and Eva Menses
    September 21, 2013 at 9:53 pm

    “While I was able to comprehend the climax, a great deal was lost because I couldn’t concentrate on anything leading up to that moment.”

    So it was a porno. You needn’t be ashamed. You can tell us the title. Was it The Place Beyond the Penis?

  3. September 22, 2013 at 11:47 am

    I feel your pain! There is nothing worse than some assholes talking at normal volume during a film. Its the only offense that I would support the death penalty for.

  4. 8 Rei IV
    September 25, 2013 at 4:52 pm

    Maybe it’s true, maybe were at point were humanity is devolving back into to apes? LMAO. But seriously, the only bad theater experience I ever had was in Puerto Rico when me and my pops went to see The Dark Knight back in ’08. Not only were the audience complete apes and couldn’t STFU, but we had screaming, running children, babies crying, folks putting out their personal shit out on blast for everyone to here, as well as those playing music on their cell phones out loud, and a couple obnoxious kids who REALLY could not STFU. Worse was being my dad’s personal watchdog, as I was distracted by making sure he composed himself, didn’t loose his cool and not tell anyone to STFU or call them out, especially being someone with a short fuse. I can’t remember the dialogue in the film or what the hell had happened. On the bright side, since the tickets and food are cheaper in the island (the cinemas/theaters are smaller and have less choices), we had spend no more than $40 for both our tickets AND popcorn (and nachos), and soda. So, that was good.

    Your experience, sadly, reflects the ever increasing MST3K-ifcation of society by complete douchebags who are obnoxious and unfunny at that.

    • September 28, 2013 at 9:15 am

      I know, I know, this kind of thing is super annoying. I don’t recall it ever happening much until the early 2000s, and it seems like every time I go to the movies it just gets worse. Where are everyone’s manners, anyway?

  5. November 4, 2013 at 8:12 pm

    And thus, you have hit upon the exact reason I no longer go to the movies every week. Dealing with rude and inconsiderate f*cks unable to keep their chatter to a dull roar, or their food-wrapper crinkling to subsonic levels, ruins the film experience for me. I’d rather sit in my nice comfy chair once the kids are in bed and watch a film without interruption.

    Here’s my funny story – watching Avatar back in ’09, my father-in-law and I plonked down for a nice afternoon viewing at the cinema while the wife and mother-in-law went shopping. A bunch of teenagers wandered in, giggling and behaving like teenagers, and went and sat in the very front row of the cinema (seriously, you don’t sit down there unless there’s no other seats available, and I swear the cinema had maybe thirty or so people in it), and began to laugh, shout and punch each other playfully as the film progressed. Yep, they got plenty of “shut up” and “shhhh” and whatnot, but it mattered little. When the cinema staffer wandered in to check the session, they naturally behaved themselves. Of course. So, when the staffer had left, and this half-dozen group of kids decided to start disrupting things, I got up, went to the very front of the cinema (where they and everyone else could see me), and waited until a quite moment of the film. I had to wait a few minutes, but they quickly noticed me standing there. Then, when all was quet, all was calm, I shouted at the very top of my lungs “with you idiots shut the f*ck up or get the f*ck out”. There was no way in hell they failed to hear me. The Bronx cheer and applause I recieved as I went back to my seat, was only beaten by the Bronx cheers (and “get out”) this pack of imbeciles got as they sullenly got up and left the cinema a few moments later.

    Having a short fuse for this kind of thing, I don’t care if I upset anyone, because if you’re ruining my paid-for experience, I’m gonna call you out on it in the most public way possible.

    • November 9, 2013 at 6:55 am

      Wow, your Avatar story is crazy! This has always been a huge pet peeve of mine. Sure, maybe I was guilty of doing this once when I was a young teenager (Jurassic Park), but not as an adult. The fact adults do this is completely shameful.

  6. January 9, 2014 at 9:46 pm

    I fucking abhor this behaviour. I haven’t witnessed too much of it though, in my lifetime. I have a confession to make though, I think I was about 15 and went to see scream 3 at midnight with my friends, we went to a snooker hall beforehand. Things progressed a little bit and people started pouring whiskey from hip flask into pints of Guinness etc, smoking cigars, general stupid shit.

    I think we were the assholes that night, because I’m sure I had a ball and I distinctly remember people telling us to shut up, but I don’t remember jack shit about the movie, apart from there is a guy called Roman. And this was the next day! So that’s that.

    However, we were very drunk, a first and a last.


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