Nicolas Cage’s Bad Lieutenant: Choose Your Own Adventure

Beware and Warning!

This blog post is different from other blog posts. You and you alone are in charge of what happens in this story. There are dangers, choices, adventures, and consequences. You must use your numerous talents and your enormous intelligence. The wrong decision could end in disaster – even death. The adventures you take are a result of your choice. After you make your choice, follow the instructions to see what happens to you next. Remember, you cannot go back! Think carefully before you make a move! One mistake can be your last, or it can lead you to fame and fortune!

Now, enter the mysterious and frightening world of Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans. You were summoned to this world by Nicolas Cage’s Nouveau Shamanic style of acting. You now inhabit his body with no apparent way out. Continue on your quest to find a way home.

Good luck!

You are Nicolas Cage, a police officer working in New Orleans. You are kind of a bad apple, but you are good at your job. You have a girlfriend, lots of friends on the force, and things are going pretty well for you at the moment. Suddenly, Hurricane Katrina hits. What do you do?

  • a) Get the hell out of town.
  • b) Go on a looting spree.
  • c) Go back to the police station, and raid a co-worker’s locker for pornography.

You have chosen C.

You return to the police station. After raiding your co-worker’s locker, you find nude photos of his wife. She used to be a Hooter’s waitress, so you know she is definitely some high-class tail. You decide to keep the photos for yourself, but your best friend Val Kilmer protests. You later find the jail house flooded. The lone remaining prisoner is going to drown. What do you do?

  • a) Watch him drown.
  • b) Make a wager on the nude photos as to how long it will take him to drown.
  • c) Call him a “shit turd,” but save him, anyway.

You have chosen C.

Congratulations! You valiantly dive into the water, and rescue the prisoner. For your bravery you are promoted to the rank of lieutenant. Unfortunately, you ruined your Swiss cotton underpants that cost $55 a pair. Also, you permanently injured your back, and are forced to take pain killers in order to function normally. Over the next 6 months, things get progressively worse. In order to feel better you decide to:

  • a) Get counseling.
  • b) Do a variety of drugs, and turn your girlfriend into a prostitute.
  • c) Retire.

You have chosen B.

Your hot girlfriend Eva Mendes is now a high-priced hooker, and you reap the benefits. You are able to immediately use the money she brings in to buy cocaine, marijuana, and heroin, not to mention the pain pills you get legally from your doctor. Everything is coming up Cage! Sadly, you still have to work for a living. As a police lieutenant in the Homicide Division you take the lead on a multiple murder case. While performing the investigation, you:

  • a) Read a weird “My Friend is a Fish” poem.
  • b) Thoroughly investigate the house leaving no stone unturned.
  • c) Watch a bunch of old episodes of CSI and Law & Order.

You have chosen A.

After your fish poem goes over so well, you decide to bring in some perps for questioning. The investigation doesn’t go anywhere. In order to let off some steam, you decide to:

  • a) Get wasted at home and bang Eva Mendes.
  • b) Get wasted at work by stealing stuff from the evidence room.
  • c) Shake down some suspects leaving a night club, smoke their crack in front of them, and make one of them give you a handjob in public.

You have chosen C.

Wow! You feel a lot better. Now that you have your head on straight you can really focus on the investigation. But before you do, you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. After making a few adjustments, you know you really have it together. You have a hunchback, you speak in an odd, nasal voice, and you walk around with your gun sticking out of your belt. Somebody call GQ, you are ready for your photoshoot! But then you realize you can’t continue the investigation until you take care of a speeding ticket for your bookie. What do you do?

  • a) Ask the officer who wrote the ticket to forget about it.
  • b) Ask the officer who wrote the ticket to forget about it, and then check out an alligator up-close.
  • c) Tell the bookie to go fuck himself.

You have chosen B.

Unfortunately, the officer who wrote the ticket isn’t having any of it. So, that doesn’t really pan out. You move on with your life, forgetting all about it. You and your buddy Val Kilmer decide to run surveillance on a murder suspect. During the stakeout, you:

  • a) Hallucinate iguanas in the room, and spend an abnormally long amount of time looking at them.
  • b) Tell Val Kilmer you are addicted to drugs and need help.
  • c) Carry on with the stakeout professionally.

You have chosen A.

The stakeout brings you to a new suspect. You raid his house and find him hiding in a closet. What do you do?

  • a) Arrest him, and bring him to the police station for questioning.
  • b) Smoke a joint with him.
  • c) Freak out, scream at him for a while, and let Val Kilmer do all the real police work.

You have chosen B.

The next day, while trying to relax, you see someone familiar. He is a famous college football star, and he appears to be buying drugs. You approach him, and reveal you are a police officer. If you arrest him, his career will be over. He pleads with you to let him go. You decide to:

  • a) Extort him into throwing the big game, so you can make a killing gambling on it.
  • b) Arrest him. After all, the law is the law.
  • c) Let him go with a warning.

You have chosen A.

The investigation is going nowhere at this point. You continue doing drugs. Your buddy Michael Shannon is your hookup in the evidence room. The two of you get in an argument. He vows to never help you again and storms off. He quits the force and stars in Boardwalk Empire. You look for a new hookup. You try to get your prescription pain killers at the pharmacy, but they take a long time, so you freak out and yell at those people. In a haze of drugs, you eventually find a new lead. You track down the grandmother of some guy who was a witness to the homicides. The grandmother is the hairdresser of a rich lady with dementia and an oxygen tank. The grandmother refuses to talk, because she fears for her grandson. In order to make her talk, you decide to:

  • a) Ask her politely and professional to cooperate, as it is of the utmost importance.
  • b) Arrest and interrogate her as to the whereabouts of her grandson.
  • c) Call her a “selfish cunt,” cut off the rich lady’s oxygen supply, and put a gun to her head.

You have chosen C.

Your brilliant detective work has paid off! The witness was hiding just outside the room. He decides to come in and cooperate with you. He tells you that the mastermind behind the murders was the rapper Xzibit. You are short on cash, low on drugs, and owe your bookie a lot of money. To make matters worse, you find out you are getting extorted by a gangster for $50,000. Eventually, you track down Xzibit. What do you do?

  • a) Arrest him, and charge him with murder.
  • b) Beat the shit out of him because you are coming off your high and feel terrible.
  • c) Join forces with him.

You have chosen C.

Things seem to be going better now. You have forgotten all about the murder investigation. You leak police information to Xzibit, and he gives you $15,000 every time he receives a shipment of drugs. It’s a match made in heaven! One night, while driving in a car with Xzibit and his crew, you:

  • a) Pull out your gun and tell them you will, “Kill all of you. ‘Til the break of dawn!”
  • b) Smoke a ton of crack and start masturbating in front of everyone.
  • c) Have a change of heart, and arrest them all because they are criminals.

You have chosen A.

Xzibit and his crew have really taken to you. The four of you have become best friends. You decide to hang out at their place for a while. While there, you:

  • a) Smoke your “lucky crack pipe.”
  • b) Take your $15,000 and leave quietly.
  • c) Kill Xzibit and take over his criminal empire.

You have chosen A.

You are feeling pretty generous, so you share your lucky crack pipe with Xzibit. Suddenly, the gangster who is extorting you busts into the place. There’s a shootout. When the smoke clears, you decide to:

  • a) Realize that things have spun out of control, and seek mental healthcare immediately.
  • b) Continue on like nothing happened.
  • c) Hallucinate that the soul of one of the dead bodies is breakdancing, and ask Xzibit to shoot him again. Also, hallucinate harmonica music and another iguana.

You have chosen C.

A few days later, your bookie Brad Dourif strolls into the police department and flashes $10,000 at you, saying you won your most recent bet. He is also excited that his speeding ticket magically got revoked. He isn’t even mad that he used to star in Deadwood and it got unceremoniously canceled. A random dude named Shea Whigham tells you that the beef between the two of you has been straightened out. He is also on his way to star in Boardwalk Empire with your old friend Michael Shannon. Best of all, you get a fantastic idea for how to bring down Xzibit. Since the two of you shared your lucky crack pipe, his salivary DNA is probably all over it. What do you do?

  • a) Continue working with Xzibit.
  • b) Plant the lucky crack pipe as evidence in the murder investigation to bring down Xzibit.
  • c) Forget about the whole thing, and do more drugs.

You have chosen B.

Once again, everything is coming up Cage! You have successfully arrested Xzibit with a little help from Val Kilmer. That crack pipe was lucky, after all. You did such a tremendous job, you are going to be promoted again. From now on, you won’t be a bad lieutenant, you’ll be a bad captain. But now it’s time to end the movie. How do you end it?

  • a) Finally go for that long-awaited psychiatric evaluation.
  • b) Spend the rest of your life trying to make amends for all the harm you have done.
  • c) Get high, go to the aquarium, and ask, “Do fish have dreams?”

You have chosen C.

Your movie has premiered around the world, and is a mega-smash-hit! Unfortunately, Abel Ferrera, the director of the 1992 Bad Lieutenant is angry. He said, “I wish these people die in Hell. I hope they’re all in the same streetcar and it blows up.” The director of your movie, Werner Herzog, responds. He said, “I’ve never seen a film by him. I have no idea who he is.” As Nicolas Cage, you decide to:

  • a) Apologize to Abel Ferrera.
  • b) Side with Werner Herzog.
  • c) Ignore them both and go star in The Wicker Man.

You have chosen C.

Congratulations! You have successfully completed Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans. Unfortunately, there is no way to escape from Nicolas Cage’s body. You will be with him while he endures future trials including: The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Drive Angry, and Season of the Witch. But rest assured, his incessant screaming and borderline insanity will keep you entertained for decades to come.

Verdict: Awesome

26 Responses to “Nicolas Cage’s Bad Lieutenant: Choose Your Own Adventure”

  1. 1 WL
    November 23, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    My brain was not ready for this experience. If I am to follow Cage’s pattern, instead of seeking psychological help I must do all the drugs in this universe and beyond. Sweet.

  2. 5 Sandro
    November 24, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    I love this movie simply because of Nicolas Cage. Too bad we always have to go through couple of boring Cage movies until he stars in gems like this again. One must give him credit for playing characters on drugs. Face/Off, Lord of War or in this movies … every scene in which his character is on drugs is hilarious.

    Ferrara’s movie on the other hand is a classic to me. Harvey Keitel pulls of one of his greatest performances in that film and I even like to say it is “the better Training Day”.

    Kudos to you brik, a very enjoyable read!

  3. November 24, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    One of the greatest reviews ever written. Loved it, and perfectly encapsulates the shittiness of this disaster of a film.

    I couldn’t understand why the original needed a sequel, considering the original is rubbish as well.

    I say they should cast Nic Cage as the next James Bond. Man, that would be a laugh.

  4. 11 lokifire
    November 25, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    Heh. This was brilliant. You made me want to watch a Nicolas Cage movie again.

  5. 13 Paragraph Film Reviews
    November 26, 2013 at 5:27 am

    Favourite post in a long time sir. I can’t believe I completed the level and with no additional help! Maybe I’m a Cage-relation… who knows.

    Motherfucking Iguanas.

  6. December 1, 2013 at 9:14 am

    Awesome post for an awesome movie 😀 Putting it in this context illustrates just how awesomely ludicrous this movie is!!

  7. December 4, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    After reading this review, I now want to see this movie so fucking bad.

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November 2013


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