Attack the Block is a Mush-Mouthed Mess

So gangsta.

Attack the Block is a 2011 British movie that is really more an attack on good taste than anything else. There are so many goddamn problems with this movie, I don’t even know where to begin.

The movie takes place in south London slums (?) and features a street gang (?) as the main characters. I use question marks because those things are really uncertain to me. Is that supposed to be slum, and is that supposed to be a gang? Honestly, the streets are pristine and the gang are a bunch of cute kids trying to act tough but looking cherubic instead. It’s a quaint version of what the British filmmakers must think a tough gang is like. I mean, if you want to see real slums and real gangs, then you need to watch The Wire. Those are some mean streets populated by tough motherfuckers. The gang in Attack the Block, on the other hand, features a bunch of kids playing hookey from school and thinking they are tough shit.

The central plot of the movie is about an alien invasion, and of course the only people that can stop it are the gang. The aliens are woefully hilarious. They are a bunch of guys in gorilla suits with glow-in-the-dark teeth running around on all fours. They don’t seem to have spaceships or technology or anything else for that matter. How’d they get to Earth in the first place? Did the head alien have explosive diarrhea and shit them into space or something?

It’s impossible to root for the gang because they’re a bunch of fucking morons. They have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. They aren’t bad-with-hearts-of-gold or just-misunderstood, hell, they aren’t even charismatic. There is no reason at all to want these guys to succeed. I honestly wanted the alien gorilla turds to eat every single one of them.

Oh, the horror.

The thing that makes this movie impossible to watch is the goddamn speech of the actors. They all have marbles in their mouths. The main character, Moses, sounds like he’s trying to talk with a mouthful of mashed potatoes. Seriously, could anyone understand him? I half-considered putting on the subtitles just so I could understand these guys, but I didn’t because I don’t want to be “that guy.”

Making matters worse is all the gang members speak in what I can only assume is warped British slang. Half the dialogue is some bastardized English (?) that is nearly impossible to follow. It’s a bunch of mush-mouthed kids speaking pidgin English. I’d bet that even British audiences struggled at times to understand what the hell anyone was saying. The people who joke that Americans have bastardized the English language need to check out this movie and see just how bad their own countrymen have abused it.

There isn’t much that this movie brings to the table. The alien invasion plot is woefully tired. They don’t put a new spin on it. The direction is fairly standard, and there aren’t any interesting shots or directorial flairs. It’s hard to even classify what genre this movie is supposed to be. It looks like it would be a comedy, but it isn’t funny. It certainly isn’t a gang movie like Boyz n the Hood. As far as sci-fi goes, forget about it. It can’t be horror either, because the alien gorilla turds aren’t scary. Kind of like the way the actors speak, Attack the Block is an incohesive mush of genres, and it doesn’t work on any level.

Attack the Block sucks. It has boring characters, stupid aliens, unintelligible dialogue, and the directing is as unremarkable as can be. There isn’t anything to see here, people, other than a massive trainwreck.

Verdcit: Shitty

13 Responses to “Attack the Block is a Mush-Mouthed Mess”

  1. December 14, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    Those alien gorillas look terrible. :p

  2. December 14, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    Oh c’mooooonnnnn, this film is the shit!!! I mean it’s The Shit, capitals.

    Seriously, I get your points, but I have to say I found Attack The Block to be just a blast, a thumping good time even if the cracks do show, the seams are frayed, and the whole thing feels a little like a big-budget backyarder.

    Funny stuff here, though. Nice work.!

  3. December 15, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    This film doesn’t translate well. Or maybe, it’s that it needs translating.

    Personally, I think it’s excellent. It’s hugely silly. The kids are obnoxious in the beginning. The plot is random as heck. But it works for me.

    Care for an English translation?

  4. 7 Rei IV
    December 15, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    Can I get a “AMEN!”. Seriously, you succinctly summed my own sentiments regarding this crappy film. Honestly, had the characters being likeable, perhaps it could’ve been redeemed in a way but unfortunately, like you, I was hoping they’d get eaten. They were a bunch of rotten, fouled-mouth, arrogant little pricks. I 100% co-sign everything you’ve written and that’s a first!

  5. 10 FilmFan101
    February 13, 2015 at 12:45 am

    I’m so glad I’m not the only one who hated this film. The characters were so fucking unlikable that it ruined what could have been a great film. The plot itself is a fun idea (aliens attacking a block of flats, residents decide to fight back) it could have been an awesome film, but they had to fill it with those shitty characters. The only thing I disagree with was your thoughts on the aliens. Personally I though they looked really cool, and I loved how they used practical effects instead of some crappy CGI monster. My personal verdict for this film is: wasted potential.

  6. 11 Dick Grimes
    October 8, 2017 at 8:49 am

    I am happy I found this review amongst all the praise this shitty movie has received. It baffles me that so many people actually liked this one. A sign of how low human culture has steeped, perhaps?

    I hated this movie with a passion. Everything you wrote is absolutely, 100-percent true. I missed it when it was new and checked it out recently thinking it might have been an overlooked gem.

    Holy shit, how wrong I was. I had to stop about an hour into the film, break the goddamn bluray disc so as not to inflict this disease of a movie onto anyone else, burn it and piss on the ashes just to at least get some fun with it and tiny compensation for the hour it robbed of my life.

    I can enjoy a shitty movie every now and then but this, this is something that makes one lose faith in humanity completely.

    • October 9, 2017 at 2:53 pm

      I’m glad you enjoyed the review. Yep, this one was awful trash. Not much else I can say that I didn’t already. Good thing you destroyed your copy of the movie, it doesn’t deserve to exist.

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December 2013


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