Mute Bond Chick, Assbender, and McNulty all in the same movie? Sign me up.

Michael F. Assbender is a favorite of mine. From his smoldering good looks to his suave English accent to his constant Assbending, he can do no wrong. Not even starring in Centurion can be considered a wrong move. No, despite the movie being a terrible mess, Assbender still comes out like a shining diamond. No matter how much the movie sucks, you can never find fault with Assbender.
Centurion takes place in ancient Roman times, and focuses on a group of Romans who are struggling to hold Britain against the barbarian hordes (i.e. British people). Naturally, all the Romans speak with English accents, completely confusing the matter. Assbender is taken captive at an outpost and later rescued by his comrades.

…heavy breathing…

A bunch of rambling non-sense happens, none of it is important, the entire “plot” (saying this movie has one is being generous) is a mere setup for blood and guts carnage to come later. A rag-tag group of Romans (including Assbender) gets caught behind enemy lines after trying to rescue their leader, Detective McNulty. They have to make their way back to the safety of the Roman legion. Of course, they decide the best way to head South to their territory is to actually head North instead (durrrr).
During the journey, they are hunted by a hot mute chick and her lackeys who pick off the Romans one at a time. It’s been done a million times before. In fact, I found myself reminded quite a lot of The Grey, you know, the shitty Liam Neeson movie with wolves as horror film killers. Centurion plays out pretty much the same way. It has the same dreary, white/gray cinematography, the same sense of futility, and the same stupid characters who act like buffoons for the sole purpose of dying one by one.


 The movie revels in over-the-top violence. The camera pounces on shots of gore like a fat guy on a Snicker’s bar. It lingers over spurting blood and axes splitting heads. This movie is trying to tell us how gritty it is. IF THERE ISN’T SPURTING BLOOD IN EVERY SHOT, HOW ELSE WILL YOU KNOW THIS MOVIE IS REAL AND GRITTY?! It’s almost like that shitty Korean movie, I Saw the Devil, but not quite reaching the same level of violence porn. Centurion is, however, clearly enamored with blood and guts.
At the end, there is a completely pointless double-cross in which the Romans try to kill Assbender for no reason whatsoever. It’s supposed to be some kind of shocking twist, but if you try to analyze it, your head will explode. It only served as one last chance for blood to splatter on the camera lens.


Assbender Assbends his way out of the dire situation. He is a hero. He is all set to return to Rome, to civilization, where he won’t have to put up with the shitty British weather ever again. Nope, just kidding. He goes back to Barbarian territory so he can shack up with some random Barbarian chick he met halfway through the movie.
So, if you like good movies, you should avoid Centurion. If you like violence porn, chances are you’ll probably like Centurion. If you’re a fan of Michael Assbender, you should definitely watch this film. Any opportunity to see some quality Assbending should be taken.
Verdict: Bad

“Why, yes, I’m still devastatingly handsome.”

10 Responses to “Centurion”

  1. 1 g
    August 23, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    Considering that most of your posts are shitty would bad be moderately acceptable?

  2. August 23, 2014 at 5:05 pm

    I’m pretty sure this is based on a true story! Also, i would shack up with that barbarian chick in a heartbeat

  3. August 25, 2014 at 12:37 am

    I know I watched this film. I think I even wrote a review. I can’t be bothered looking it up, that’s how indifferent I remember being to it. Assbender – I still love that word.

  4. 7 lokifire
    September 2, 2014 at 1:06 pm

    This is a movie I didn’t even know existed! I guess that’s what I get for getting all hooked on silent movies instead of faithfully stalking Mr. F. Assbender like I should….

  5. 9 Dober
    September 6, 2014 at 6:28 pm

    As for the Assbending … brik please watch Shame already!

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August 2014
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