28
Sep
14

Green Lantern: Best or Worst Superhero Movie? (Answer: Worst)

Holy shit, even the poster is 100% CGI.

In a time when superhero movies are all the rage, and they gets lavished with great casts, shitloads of money, and decent writing, you would think that Hollywood would have this down to a formula. But, nope, they don’t. That much is evident with Green Lantern. This movie is a colossal piece of shit starring Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan, a dopey guy who gets omnipotent green mist powers…or something. Green Lantern falters every step of the way.
Reynolds’ character is paper-thin. Reynolds pretty much plays himself, as he does in every role, a handsome, wise-cracking, irresponsible, self-centered jerk with a heart of gold. His act has grown tiresome, and watching him cavort around on screen yet again is exhausting. His girlfriend, Blake Lively, is nothing more than a generically pretty, but vapid, and incredibly unbelievable higher-up in a multi-national aircraft corporation. While Reynolds at least has his typical manic energy, Lively sleepwalks through the movie. Every time she showed up, I felt myself drifting off.

“I see that your outfit isn’t the only thing that’s become super.”

The plot is a big mess. It has a bunch of false starts, beginning in outer space with a red ghost monster called Parallax that is evil for the sake of being evil. It mists around the universe doing bad shit, while the completely impotent Green Lantern Corps try to stop it. Eventually, the filmmakers realized they can’t have the hero face off against a fucking red cloud in the finale, so they have the cloud possess a human played by Peter Sarsgaaaaaard. His scary villainous attribute is that he gets a giant bald head. WOW, HOW FRIGHTENING!
Reynolds becomes a member of the Green Lantern Corps, and is whisked away to Planet CGI where he has one day to train to become the greatest hero in the universe. Naturally, we are subjected to all the usual tropes, such as being immediately distrusted by their leader, Mark Strong, being subjected to boot camp training, and – you know what – fuck it, I don’t care to remember the rest. There were just far too many cliches to make Reynolds’ transformation into a hero even remotely interesting.

Ladies and gentlemen, your villain… how frightening…

The final battle is as retarded as they come. Green Lantern‘s power is that he can manifest anything in his imagination into reality. So, Reynolds, having no imagination whatsoever, fights using machine guns, jet planes, and giant fists. Apparently, the people writing this movie didn’t have much in the way of imaginations either. How about creating a black hole or an inescapable cage or an army of new Green Lanterns with the exact same powers? I’m sure if they had stopped for five minutes, they could have come up with something better than a giant green fist.
The CGI is atrocious. Green mist fights against red mist, and it looks like Christmas cumming all over the screen. Everything else about this movie, the story, the acting, the pacing, the directing, absolutely everything is a fucking disaster. The only good thing in it was Reynolds’ 1971 Dodge Challenger.
Green Lantern failed in his first big screen outing, and if box office returns are any indication, he won’t be returning any time soon.
Verdict: Shitty
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8 Responses to “Green Lantern: Best or Worst Superhero Movie? (Answer: Worst)”


  1. 1 Dober
    September 29, 2014 at 11:34 am

    Agreed. This is one of the worst. Warner needs to get their shit together with their DC comics movies. Marvel is mopping the floor with them even though 3/4 of their movies are just “okay” as well. But even the bad and shitty Marvel movies are still more enjoyable than the DC ones because they build up a connecting universe. It looks like Warner can only do Batman and Superman while wasting supreme characters like Flash, Aquaman, Green Lantern and co. in shitty tv series or bad directed movies.

    So back to Green Lantern:
    Agree with everything. I don’t like Ryan Reynolds. I don’t like his dumb face and he can’t act for shit. If this guy will play Deadpool we are all doomed.

    • October 9, 2014 at 10:08 am

      His personality fits Deadpool better than Green Lantern, but I’m no expert on either. Yeah, this movie is crap. DC movies are in trouble. Watch them try to get Chrstopher Nolan to direct everything.

  2. October 3, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    Terrible, terrible, awful film. And I’ll not say another word on its behalf.

  3. 5 downsyndromextreme@aol.com
    October 7, 2014 at 12:40 pm

    Obviously the best


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