Fuck your cinematic universe

This is a movie I never want to see.

OK, we need to have a talk. A serious talk. Why don’t you sit down over there?

*takes deep breath*

I heard you were doing something you shouldn’t be.

*holds out hand to stop a response*

I know, I know, you were probably just experimenting. And that’s OK. When I was your age, I experimented with stuff, too. You’re young, and you want to explore the world. Maybe you want to experiment with the same sex, or drugs, or a different religion. You know what? That’s OK. That’s how you discover yourself and become the person you are going to be as an adult.

*crosses arms over chest*

But there is one thing you should never experiment with. Something that, if you get involved with, can lead you down a very dark path. You might never come back from it.

*narrows eyes*

I heard from a friend of yours, that you…


…were thinking of starting your own cinematic universe.

*withers a bit and leans back in chair*

I know it seems like a good idea, I get that. Marvel really blew everyone away with their cinematic universe. Nobody could have guessed that they could make separate movies with Iron Man, Hulk, Captain America, and Thor, and then put them all in the same movie together and make it work. Honestly. Nobody saw it coming. And when it worked, damn, did it ever work. In fact, it worked so well, everyone else wanted a taste.

*sits upright in chair*

Next it was DC. I guess that makes logical sense. They have Batman, Superman, Green Lantern, and all those famous guys. If it worked for one comic company, why wouldn’t it work for another? Sure, they were doing it backwards with the team up movie followed by the individual ones, but it wasn’t absurd. It was OK to cut them some slack.

*adopts a serious tone*

But that wasn’t the end of it. Then Sony decided they should make a Spider-Man cinematic universe. Unfortunately, they only have Spider-Man and his villains, so it’s going to be a pretty small universe. I can’t believe they think they can hold up a series of films like that. But you can’t save everyone, you know? Some people just have terrible ideas.

*sighs again*

Then Fox jumped on the bandwagon. They have more characters, sure, but now they just look like copycats. They want to do a team-up with the X-Men, The Fantastic Four, and maybe some other obscure characters they hold the rights to. Most of their characters are ones the general public doesn’t care about. They are not going to make it. But sometimes you can’t grow unless you learn from your own mistakes.

*puts arms down, wrings hands together*

Have you heard enough yet?

*doesn’t wait for a reply*

I’m sorry, but this is for your own good. You need to know everything.

*looks down for a moment, then back up and continues*

Now, the Hollywood studios are going to make a Jason Bourne cinematic universe. They are going to tie together a perfect trilogy with a sub-par sequel, and take a giant shit on everything they’ve created so far. And after that, they announced plans for a Godzilla/King Kong cinematic universe, one so mind bogglingly stupid, that I don’t even know how they could make more than a single film with it. Then, the new Dracula movie is going to start up Universal’s monster-based cinematic universe with Frankenstein’s Monster, the Mummy, the Wolfman, and all those guys. Sure, they already did that a long time ago, but now they’re bringing it back. Also, Dan Aykroyd, probably in the midst of a diabetic fever dream, said he thought they could create a Ghostbusters cinematic universe. Well, now things are just getting absurd.

*wrings hands, sheds a tear*

And that’s not the worst of it. Another studio announced plans to create a Robin Hood cinematic universe. Robin Hood? Really? One movie, sure. A trilogy, OK. But an entire universe? They just don’t have the characters or stories or public interest to sustain such a thing. What they hell are they thinking?

*composes self*

I hope I didn’t scare you. That wasn’t my intent. Well, OK, maybe it was. But you need to know what you’re getting yourself into. Cinematic universes are serious things. They shouldn’t be entered into lightly. You need careful planning, forethought, evidence that it can be sustained. You can’t just decide to make a new cinematic universe and expect it to automatically be popular.

*stands up*

Not everything needs to have sequels, you know?

*claps you on the shoulder*

Like I said before, this is a dark path, one you might not ever recover from. You need to think this through. I just want you to know that, no matter what happens, I’ll always love you. Please, for me, give it a second thought. We really don’t need any more cinematic universes.

33 Responses to “Fuck your cinematic universe”

  1. October 12, 2014 at 3:34 pm

    I can only say that i agree, and I love the way you write these. Nice article!

  2. October 13, 2014 at 1:43 am

    If we didn’t have sequels, would we have cinematic universes like this? We really don’t need more cinematic universes.

  3. October 13, 2014 at 2:16 am

    *still waits patiently for the Twilight Cinematic Universe to be announced.*

    This article is spot on. Too much of a good thing will only cause an upset stomach.

  4. 7 Radochna
    October 14, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    Ah, so the proper term is “cinematic universe”? I always called it “official fanfiction”

  5. 9 downsyndromextreme@aol.com
    October 15, 2014 at 6:57 pm

    To be honest the avengers clubhouse was always popular so Im not surprised

  6. October 20, 2014 at 10:29 am

    Excellent read, one that I fully agree with. There is just no need for all of these “universes.” I’d like for the DC one to be successful, but they already seem like they’re botching it. We definitely don’t need one for the Universal Monsters. Sure, let them all have new up to date movies, but a univetse? What are they going to do, build up to a remake of Monster Squad? Someone, please make it stop.

  7. 13 THE Hal E. Burton 9000
    October 22, 2014 at 7:48 pm

    This article is all truth.

    To be honest, back around 2010-2011, I thought that the Marvel cinematic universe concept would start to implode with the beginning of the box office bomb that would be The Avengers. I was fortunately wrong in that case.

    However, I think we are now on the verge of a slow motion crash in film between 2015 through 2016. (FYI, I have my hoverboard, self-lacing Nikes, self-cleaning size-adjusting jacket, multi-colored ball cap, flying DeLorean, hydrated pizza, etc. on layaway for 2015.) With all the major media conglomerate stocks trading at all-time highs and these increasingly bizarre sequels/prequels/reboots/retcons being scheduled for release in the next few years, the greedy appetite of the movie studios is begging for serious losses. Worst case scenario, perhaps the movie studios lose the media conglomerate umbrella by getting spun off into obscurity/bankruptcy with the precious intellectual property rights remaining with the conglomos.

    I recall Sony came close to dumping all their entertainment media holdings about a year ago: http://www.forbes.com/sites/steveschaefer/2013/08/06/sony-rejects-dan-loebs-entertainment-spinoff-plan/

    And now there are all these rumors that Sony might just go ahead, cash out, dump their pants-on-head The Amazing Twilight-Man bullshit, hitch up with Disney/Marvel, and lend Spidey over to the Disney/Marvel universe because of the purported Civil War story arc beginning with Captain America 3.

    I also seem to recall Spielberg and Lucas of all people also predicting “an implosion” over a year ago.

    By the by, I am not confident in what Warner Bros/DC have in the pipeline. Unlike a lot of people, including Brik I think, I did enjoy Man of Steel, despite its flaws. (I’m looking at you, Zack Snyder, and your eternal shenanigans reminiscent of Michael Bay.) I have no faith in Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice. (What a shitty title, one of the worst ever for a movie or anything!) Despite all the whining on the internet, Ben Affleck is far from the worst problem with that project.

    • November 5, 2014 at 4:15 am

      Agreed – WB haven’t exactly set the word aflame (in a good way) with many/most of their choices.

      I like the idea of Sony “teaming up” with Marvel to co-host their IP’s back to them, so Spidey can finally stand next to Iron Man on the big screen, but given how far along Marvel seem to be with their planning, here’s hoping something eventuates sooner rather than later, otherwise it might be a swiftly sinking ship Spidey lands on.

      I think in the broad sense, as long as there is quality storytelling behind a “cinematic universe”, a franchise will survive. Once the story starts to drag on, become silly, repetitive or simply irrelevant, and things spiral out of shape quite quickly. I doubt we’ll see the Universal Monsters CU survive, largely due to fan disinterest, and I can see WB/DC’s attempt slumping badly if BvS:DOJ (agreed – worst. film. title. ever.) underperforms (or fails). WB waited too long to get started on the CU train, they’re lagging badly behind Marvel; perhaps they should have just continued to deliver stand-alone character films with a singular hero, instead of trying to build a complete universe? Time will tell, I guess.

      • December 16, 2014 at 12:30 pm

        Film franchises generally have expiration dates (exclusing James Bond). Even though Marvel is hot shit right now, eventually people will get tired of super heroes and move on.

    • December 16, 2014 at 12:28 pm

      Hi there, HAL, long time, no see. I’m glad you agree with the article. I’m not sure what else I can say that I didn’t already say in the post. It is interesting to think about Spielberg and Lucas’ prediction about the implosion of the industry. While I don’t think it’s imminent, I do believe there will eventually be a pushback against this type of interconnected filmmaking. DC has a huge cast of great characters, but I don’t know that the management understands them well enough to make their universe work. We’ll see, I guess.

      • 17 THE Hal E. Burton 9000
        December 26, 2014 at 7:55 pm

        Thanks for the reply.

        Perhaps my prediction of 2015-2016 Hollywood crash is coming to pass a month early with the Sony shitstorm.

  8. October 25, 2014 at 7:53 am

    But… I just finished the final treatment on my 6 movie 80s Cartoon Cinematic Universe rebooting the Transformers and GI Joe franchises and tying them together with the Smurfs, Turtles and Jem, and a new He-Man movie I worked really hard on. It’s all going to build up into a remake of “Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue” and it’ll be EPIC! My mom even told me so.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

October 2014


BrikHaus - Find me on Bloggers.com

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 413 other subscribers

%d bloggers like this: