21
Jun
15

Now You See Me

Here is a list of things that are good about Now You See Me:

  1. Isla Fisher is hot.

And here are the reasons why this movie blows giant whale dick: 

  1. Jesse Eisenberg sucks and he’s never been good in anything, especially not The Social Network, so don’t write about how great that was in the comments.
  2. The story makes no goddamn fucking sense. It’s about a group of average magicians who team up to create the ultimate magic show, naming themselves The Four Horsemen. It turns out the magic act is actually a set up for them to be modern day Robin Hoods. They literally steal from the rich and give to the — well, not the poor — but the middle class who aren’t doing great financially but can definitely afford the cost of a ticket to an overpriced magic show. The Four Horsemen engage in illegal behaviors because it’s the only way for them to join The Eye, an ancient, shadowy organization that exists solely to “redistribute the wealth.” So, they’re a bunch of Communists. Is Obama their president, too?
  3. The magic tricks are bullshit. The thing that was great about The Illusionist was that all the magic was based on real tricks, and could have actually been performed with 19th century technology. The tricks in Now You See Me aren’t tricks at all; in order for them to be carried out, the magicians would need to actually have magical powers. For example, Dave Franco throws fireballs at Mark Ruffalo, and later teleports across the room during their fight scene. Also Ruffalo can teleport outside of a jail cell when he is talking with Morgan Freeman near the end of the movie. The movie is filled with bullshit like this. Either make the people magical or don’t. You can’t have it both way. The movie expects us to believe all the tricks are real, and goes to great lengths to explain how everything was done. Except for the fireballs and teleportation. They don’t bother to explain that shit because there’s no explaining it.
  4. The movie can’t decide who the main characters are. At first, the Horsemen share screentime equally. It appears that they are the main characters. About halfway through the movie, they are almost completely forgotten. Huge swaths of the film go by without them on-screen at all. During this time, it shifts to Ruffalo’s character, who is now apparently the main character. The movie follows him through to the conclusion. No screen time is spent developing any of them, and they all end up as one-dimensional cardboard cutouts.
  5. The big twist is fucking stupid. It turns out that Ruffalo wasn’t a good cop trying to catch bad guys. HE WAS THE MASTERMIND BEHIND THE ENTIRE THING ZOMG LOL DERP! Yes, he was the contact from The Eye that was trying to get the Horsemen to join. The reason why he wanted them to join was even more incomprehensible.
  6. Ruffalo’s father was a mediocre magician. His father’s crappy magic tricks were exposed by Morgan Freeman who made a career on exposing crappy magic tricks. As a result, the father, trying to resurrect his career, creates a really dangerous stunt and dies in the process. It’s his own fucking fault he died. So, Ruffalo decides to get his revenge on Freeman. He joins the FBI and toils away FOR DECADES until the moment to strike is right. He creates an overly elaborate and complex plan that could fail any number of ways in order to exact revenge on Freeman. In the end, he frames Freeman for all the robberies, putting him behind bars for life. Um, what? Freeman did nothing wrong, he committed no crimes, and he was actually trying to the help the FBI catch criminals. Ruffalo’s father’s stupidity killed him. What exactly is the message or moral here? Apparently, nothing, except the movie is braindead.
  7. Since Ruffalo planned everything, that means he gave the Horsemen all his plans. The movie actually shows this briefly in the beginning. Therefore, the Horsemen didn’t do anything. They didn’t create the magic tricks. They were completely useless. And they got to join The Eye at the end. Yeah, I’m sure they’ll really be useful since they did nothing up to this point.
  8. And while we’re talking about that, how exactly did Ruffalo join The Eye? He wasn’t brought in through nepotism since his father was a dead, shitty magician. He couldn’t have joined himself since he would have been tied up FOR DECADES as an FBI agent. So, again, what the fuck? This makes no sense.
  9. The big magic tricks were all impossible. The first trick would have required the magicians to be expert bank robbers. They hijacked an armored car and replaced real money with fake. That in itself could have been its own movie. They also had to do this the night before their big act, on a totally different continent. What if their plane home had been delayed? The whole thing would have been ruined.
  10. The second trick was more absurd. They drained Michael Caine’s bank account, and gave his money to the audience. Somehow, they managed to get into his account, and the accounts of hundreds of other people simultaneously. Someone behind the scenes must have been helping them, but they are never shown. It’s not Ruffalo, because he’s in the audience watching the show. So, the magicians are also elite haX0rs, huh?
  11. The final trick was the worst. It included a giant car chase which naturally ends in an explosion. They think they find Franco’s corpse in the car, but they later state “He just stole a corpse from the morgue.” Oh, right, like it’s so easy to just waltz into the New York City morgue and steal a corpse. I guess since these guys are already expert bank robbers, stealing a corpse should be no problem, right?
  12. Making matters worse is this completely shoe-horned romance subplot. Ruffalo gets hooked up with a French Interpol agent. She keeps telling him about how he should believe in magic, and he’s like, “Yeah right, bitch, magic ain’t real.” This, apparently, endears him to her. She tells him about a shitty, unknown magician (his father) for some stupid reason. Um, wouldn’t she be reading about Houdini or someone good? And in the end they kiss and fall in love. They have no chemistry at all. Ruffalo has no chemistry with anyone. He’s one of the most wooden, flat-affected actors working today. Keanu Reeves could teach Ruffalo how to emote.
  13. Isla Fisher didn’t get naked.

The movie has too many gaping holes in logic. I can only suspend my disbelief so much. The lazy and inconsistent storytelling combined with a FUCK IT attitude and a lack of respect for the audience turns this into a churning pile of shit. Are they really magical? No. But sometimes they are when it’s convenient. Are they the greatest magicians ever? Yes. Except not, because they were just Ruffalo’s puppets. Is this a very good, well-executed, clever movie that can be enjoyed by everyone? No, not even close.

Verdict: Shitty

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15 Responses to “Now You See Me”


  1. 1 0ctaviamelody
    June 21, 2015 at 1:26 pm

    The Great And Powerful Trixie from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic could star in a much better movie than this. Especially if it’s an action-packed high fantasy. 😛

  2. June 21, 2015 at 1:37 pm

    This is so brilliant, this is the best thing I’ve seen all day! I fucking HATED this film, it was total bullshit from start to finish. Such a waste of Caine and Freeman.

  3. 6 Gazerbeam
    June 21, 2015 at 2:18 pm

    Yeah, agreed on all counts. This movie was such a huge waste of time. On par with Sexpot.

  4. June 23, 2015 at 8:07 am

    And yet, this pile of shit turd is getting a sequel.


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