World War CGI

I finally got around to watching scruffy, long-haired Brad Pitt fighting zombies in World War Z. It’s as derivative as zombie movies can get. It’s kind of like a vampire movie in that respect, there’s only so many things you can do with the concept. At the end of the day, all these movies follow the same basic formula: zombies attack, people escape, zombies eat people, people kill zombies, etc. So, it might be a little unfair to be super hard on World War Z for being formulaic in a genre that is mired in formula. But you know what? Fuck it, I don’t care. This movie sucks a smelly turd.

There are a few things I learned from World War Z, first and foremost being, you absolutely do not want Brad Pitt anywhere near you if you want to survive a zombie attack. There are five major zombie attack sequences in the film, and all of them are Brad Pitt’s fault.

Killer Joe, The Book Thief

Killer Joe

Seriously. What. The. Fuck?

This has got to be one of the craziest, stupidest, weirdest, most ridiculous pieces of shit put to celluloid in recent years. Basically, a kid decides to kill his mother so he can get the insurance money to pay off his debt from a loan shark. He doesn’t want to murder his own mother, so he hires a hitman played by Matthew McConaughey.

After the job is finished, McConaughey doesn’t leave. He skulks around the trailer park lusting over the kid’s younger, mentally retarded sister. They start banging, and he further ingrains himself into the family dynamic. Eventually, she gets pregnant with his demon spawn. The kid obviously doesn’t like this, and it’s super weird and creepy.

There is a completely bizarre scene at the end where McConaughey punches a lady in the face and makes her pretend to have oral sex on a drumstick. Everything ends as stupidly as it began with nothing making any sense, and everything being completely overwrought and ridiculous.

I think McConaughey was trolling us with this one. There was no way he thought the script was any good.

Verdict: Shitty

The Book Thief

There have to be about a billion World War II movies, and half of those are Holocaust movies. The Book Thief isn’t exactly a Holocaust movie, but it falls in the ballpark, focusing on Nazi atrocities. The problem with so many movies based on the same historical event is that they eventually lose their impact. Yes, the Holocaust was a horrific event that the world should always remember so it will never be repeated. But we have seen it so many times on film, it has begun to lose the visceral impact it once had.

The Book Thief adds nothing new to the genre, and actually detracts more than anything else. It’s about the plight of a young German girl who lives in an idyllic town throughout the course of the war. She joins the Hitler Youth, but becomes disgusted when they burn books. She begins to hide books in her basement as a means of preserving them.

Despite this being the title of the film, not much really comes of that. It’s not like her stealing books has any significant impact on the overall story. The world moves around the main character and she is completely ineffectual. Her actions do not advance the plot, or even really put her in much peril. She stands listlessly while the war ends on its own volition.

We get some super cheesy shit where Death itself actually narrates parts of the film. It speaks at the end and tells us the main character lived happily ever after. Whoopty-fucking-shit.

The Book Thief is failed Oscar-bait. They think the subject matter will make it a glorious success automatically. Unfortunately, the story is weak and done better a million times before. It’s hard to care much about a German girl who hides books with little to no personal danger when compared to the likes of Oscar Schindler who put himself in constant physical danger and ruined himself financially to save Jews.

Verdict: Shitty

It’s Pilot Season – 2015

The Fall 2015 television season is upon us. And that means we’re inundated with the worst the networks have to offer. Each year brings us new series; a few will be great, but most will be unwatchable trash. There’s far too many horrible series out there for me to review them all. So, I’ve decided to watch the three pilots that had the most promotional advertising of this season and review them. Please note, my reviews are not necessarily what I think of the entire series, but simply my thoughts on the pilot episode.

The Muppets

The Muppets have been an entertainment staple since the beginning of time. Ever since Thomas Edison’s phonograph played Mary Had a Little Lamb, the Muppets have been there to make us laugh. Everyone has grown up watching them, and everyone loves them. They love them so much, in fact, that they have become desperately protective of them.

The Muppets are flexible, and have changed their style, format, and humor as the times have changed. In the 1970s, they had a hit show which was based on the popular variety show format of the time. In the 80s, they did feature films. In the 2000s, they had a long dry spell where they only did Disney-based attractions (and Kermit got heavily involved in alcohol). Today, they are back on TV, and the format has changed once again. Now, they are doing an Office-like show, a behind the scenes comedic look at running a TV series, complete with A and B storylines and cut-away confessionals.

People don’t like the new format. Why? Because people are stupid. They cling to nostalgia the same way an NRA nutcase clings to his guns. Since the Muppets’ new show is different from whatever version the audience grew up with, IT’S AN ABOMINATION AND MUST DIE, KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Pain and Gain is Painful but Not Gainful

Michael Bay has been saying for years that he wanted to make a “small picture” that wasn’t just a bunch of explosions, and was actually about something. Apparently, this is what he had in mind. Generally, this movie has been received as most of Bay’s work: a giant piece of shit. But I’m going to be kind to Bay. I didn’t think it was that bad. It wasn’t good by any stretch of the imagination, but it honestly wasn’t a bad film. That’s about the highest praise I can give to Bay.

Pain and Gain tells the story of three meat-head bodybuilders in Miami. They kidnap a wealthy (and shady) businessman, and torture him into signing over all of his assets to them. They then leave him for dead in a ditch somewhere.

The first half of the movie is decent. It mostly talks about Mark Wahlberg’s character’s life, how he wants more, he wants the American dream, but he isn’t going to get it, he’s gotten as far as he’s going to get in life with his particular skillset. When he winds up as the businessman’s personal trainer, he decides that he is going to take what he wants by any means necessary.

The Wolf of Wall Street, Blue Ruin

The Wolf of Wall Street

This movie trolls you right out of the gate. Matthew McConaughey shows up as the head of a big Wall Street firm, and positions himself to be Leonardo DiCaprio’s mentor. I was all pumped for some sweet, sweet McConaughey/DiCaprio action, but it turned out to be a bait-and-switch. McConaughey disappears completely. DiCaprio takes center stage as the loathsome central character. What follows next is a completely tiresome, three-hour-long masturbatory fantasy. DiCaprio engages in illegal activities to make himself the king of Wall Street. He and his compatriots party hard and often. There are probably a hundred scenes of them banging hookers and doing cocaine. Now, I’m as big a fan of cocaine and hookers as the next Hollywood executive, but once or twice would have been sufficient. I didn’t need to see it over and over again. The SEC investigates and eventually busts DiCaprio, but they don’t show up until the final hour of the movie. An entire hour of worthless party scenes could have been cut, and nothing would have changed. The only interesting part of the film is near the beginning when DiCaprio discovers he can get rich suckering people into buying Penny Stocks. Otherwise, nothing of interest happens. Other than the tits. Lots and lots of tits.

Verdict: Shitty

Blue Ruin

I like my revenge movies like the Arnold Schwarzenegger classic, Commando. I don’t like them to be about boring, mopey homeless guys. Blue Ruin is about a boring, mopey homeless guy who goes on a killing spree. He murders an ex-con, a dude who served time after killing the homeless dude’s parents. The dead con’s family takes the fight to the homeless guy’s family. The homeless guy, in turn, decides to kill all of them. But don’t mistake this for an action-packed thrill ride with cool explosions, shootouts, and hilarious one-liners. No, the boring, mopey homeless guy acts sullen as he trudges his way through a dreary life. The pacing is languid, and the tone is brooding. There’s very little here to entice a viewer, and the story is entirely forgettable. Good production values are about the only thing this movie has going for it. I wouldn’t recommend it.

Verdict: Bad