Disney: We want to make a new Star Wars movie. Who’s the most generic director working today that won’t offend anyone with a unique style?
Lucasfilm: J.J. Abrams.
Disney: OK, hire him.
Lucasfilm: Done. Here he is.
Abrams: Hi.
Disney: We want you to direct a new Star Wars movie. But you can’t do anything too crazy like the prequels. They have to be exactly like the original trilogy, you know, the movies that people liked.
Abrams: Sure, no problem.
Disney: What ideas do you have for Episode VII?
Abrams: The main character should be a kid who is a genius pilot living on a backwater desert planet.
Disney: So, Luke Skywalker on Tatooine?
Abrams: No, Rey Noname living on Jakku.
Disney: And who will train Rey in the Force? Luke?
Abrams: No, we won’t waste the audience’s time with training sequences. Rey will become a Force master in about five minutes.
Disney: Okay, sounds great. What else have you got?
Abrams: How about a struggle between the First Order and the Resistance for control of the galaxy?
Disney: So, the Empire versus the Rebellion?
Abrams: No, no, this time it’s totally different. You see, the Galactic Republic exists again, and the Resistance backs them. Although why the Resistance would be called the Resistance when they are upholding the current regime is anyone’s guess. And the First Order are super-powerful bad guys who have Storm Troopers and Sith Lords and everything.
Disney: You’ve got to bring back the old characters. People won’t see if it there aren’t any familiar faces.
Abrams: Oh, I ‘ve got that all figured out. We’ve got Han Solo and Chewbacca ready to go. Han looks so decrepit he’s got one foot in the grave. Chewie looks good though. Not a gray hair on him. He hasn’t aged a day.
Awesomely Shitty 