Awesomest/Shittiest Things of 2017

It’s that time once again, people. Time to look back at the awesomest and shittiest things of 2017. As always, it remains a struggle to find things for the awesome category, and to keep the shitty category to a minimum. Check it out:

*sorry about the low quality of my “awesome” graphic, Photobucket is now locking me out of my own images, and this is the best I could do*

Awesome:

1. The #MeToo Movement – Hollywood has been rocked by allegations of sexual harassment. The perpetrators are taking falls. And it’s been happening elsewhere too, like in Congress. This is a great thing. People need to keep their cocks in their pants. It is not difficult. And if you can’t abide by the rules of society, then you deserve what you get.
2. Doug Jones Defeats Roy Moore – A guy who has prosecuted the KKK defeated a child molester in an Alabama senate race. This should not have even made headlines except for the facts that Donald Trump supported the child molester (no surprise), and that Moore almost won. Apparently, in Alabama, the only thing worse than a child molester is a democrat. At least enough people showed up to the polls to vote for someone who isn’t a despicable piece of shit.
3. Nintendo Switch – Nintendo’s newest system is both a console and a portable. Plus, their new games like Breath of the Wild and Mario Odyssey have been critically acclaimed. It looks like Nintendo has gotten their mojo back, and we should have lots of great games in store for us soon.
4. Florida Man Beats Up ATM – This guy got overpaid by an ATM. It pissed him off so much, he punched the ATM. He got arrested for property damage, but still, you have to hand it to him. He doesn’t take any crap from the machines. When Skynet rises to destroy humanity, this guy is going to be our John Connor. Although why someone would be mad about getting extra money is a mystery…
5. Elon Musk Going to Mars – Well, at the very least he’s sending his Tesla roadster to Mars. That’s cool, right? Maybe someday he can help make space travel a reality. I can “get my ass to Mars” a la Schwarzenegger in Total Recall, and have sex with hot three-boobed alien babes.

Shitty:

1. Everything Donald Trump – The greasy Cheeto who wormed his way into the highest office in the U.S. despite having no political or military experience, or even a functioning brain is probably the worst thing to happen to the world this decade. Historians will someday write volumes about how much this dipshit set world progress back. Here is the briefest of lists of terrible things this shit-gargler did this year: lying to the American public about the number of people at his inauguration, firing FBI director James Comey, attempting to obstruct justice in the Russian investigation, passing tax cuts for the super rich because they aren’t already doing well enough, saying that white supremacists are “very fine people,” instituting the unconstitutional muslim travel ban, trying to roll back everything the Obama administration did “just because,” backing out of the Paris climate accord, shrinking the size of national parks to allow for oil drilling, and supporting child molester Roy Moore for a U.S. Senate seat. I could go on, but you get the idea.
2. United Airlines dragging passenger off plane – Seriously, how terrible is UA anyway? Dragging dude off of planes due to their own fuckup? It was beyond reprehensible. At least that guy got a windfall from those douchebags in a legal settlement. This just proves the airlines are run by corrupt assholes (like most corporations), and they are the worst way to travel.
3. Las Vegas massacre – It was the worst mass shooting in modern-day American. The saddest part was that it has become so commonplace that we barely even blink anymore. And the worst part is Republicans saying that it still isn’t time to talk about gun control. Apparently, “never” will be the right time for them. The only way they would want to talk about gun control is if Trump suddenly decided it was a good idea, and they’ve got their heads so far up his ass they would have no choice but to agree.
4. Hurricane season – Hurricanes decimated people, cities, and entire countries this year. I don’t have much to say about this other than these were terrible tragedies, and if there’s any way you can help (i.e. through donations or volunteering), then give it a whirl. A lot of people need our help.
5. Death of Net Neutrality – I guess Awesomely Shitty won’t have to worry about traffic slowdowns since no one actually reads this site, but a lot of big ones like Netflix are in trouble. Anytime you try to monetize a utility, it turns out horribly. I’m sure losing Net Neutrality will nothing but fill coffers of rich assholes, and piss off everyone else. Never mind that the FCC is now being run by a huge tool, who got paid off by the big companies to kill Net Neutrality. Ugh, what a fucking joke.

Well, another year has come and gone. 2018 is just getting started. I’m sure there will be many more awesome and shitty things happening during the Earth’s long trek around the sun. Let’s hope, no matter what happens, we can ridicule them with reckless abandon.