10
Apr
19

Avengers: Infinity War

What can I say about the MCU that I haven’t already said? By now you know that I’m just not into superhero movies. Sure, you occasionally get a gem like The Dark Knight or Logan or Wonder Woman, but for the most part, they are drab, unimaginative, paint-by-numbers affairs. A valid complaint other people have leveled against the MCU is that the ultimate goal is to get to the Avengers films, and all the films in between are just road bumps in that path. Sometimes, with how mediocre the “in-between films” are, it really does seem to be true. And so, Avengers: Infinity War arrives, as part one of a two-part extravaganza incorporating almost every character seen in the MCU so far. They have been teasing Thanos as the ultimate villain in the universe for some time, and now he finally gets to the front and center of the screen.

Thanos’ plan is laid out early in the film: he wants to collect the five infinity stones, and use them to wipe out half of all life in the universe. I find it odd that this has been Thanos’ plan for a good 10 years or so, and when the movie starts, he has only managed to track down one infinity stone. Most of his role in the movie is collecting the other four stones. And considering he only got one in the first 10 years of the MCU, it’s rather eye-rolling that he manages to collect the other four in the span of two hours. But, if he didn’t, there would be little tension, and no movie at all, so I suppose you just have to accept it. Thanos works much better as a villain than any other villain in the entire MCU. They actually attempted to give him a backstory, to give him a reason for his actions, and to try to give him emotions. Up until this point, pretty much every MCU villain was evil just for the sake of being evil, so this was a nice change of pace. His backstory is threadbare, and it is unclear why he feels the need for everything in the universe to be “balanced,” and why he thinks that killing 50% of everything makes it balanced. But at least he has a reason for his actions. His relationship with Gamora was interesting, and seeing him hesitate to kill her, and seeing his remorse afterward helped to humanize him as a villain, and made him more compelling. That being said, he’s still pretty underdeveloped, and it’s impossible not to stare at his scrotum chin.
The film bounces back and forth among the huge stable of characters. The MCU’s “everything but the kitchen sink” mentality does hurt the film, as it is obligated to cram in every character even if a lot of them have nothing to do. Black Panther serves no real purpose, and for idiotic reasons, he decides the best way to defeat the enemy is to let them inside the impenetrable forcefield. WTF? If he hadn’t done that, Thanos wouldn’t have won the battle. Also, Captain America does nothing, and is completely useless. All he does is stab some CGI dogs with his shields. Spider-Man, Hulk, and Falcon are also equally pointless characters who really contribute nothing. Vision’s story in particular is laughable. He is a robot powered by an infinity stone. When they learn Thanos wants it, Vision tells Scarlet Witch to destroy the stone, killing him in the process, but also defeating Thanos. Except no one will let this happen. They go to Wakanda to try and make a copy of the stone, but this is completely moronic. He’s a fucking robot. Just take the stone out and destroy it. You can find an alternate power source for him later. He’d be fine. It’s not like if you unplug your computer it won’t ever turn on again, and you certainly don’t lose all your data. Forced drama in the face of an obvious solution is something I absolutely hate.
People like the Avengers movies because of the character interactions. And the team up of Doctor Strange, Iron Man, and the Guardians of the Galaxy ended up with some hilarious lines. In their solo films, I hadn’t realized that the Guardians of the Galaxy were the most interesting characters in the MCU until you put them face to face with some of the others. Their whole shtick learning to trust each other, and then fighting Thanos, was probably the highlight of the movie.
Of course, like any MCU film, there is a shitload of CGI, and a lot of it is bad. The new CGI costumes for Iron Man and Spider-Man were dreadful, and look so fucking cheap they take you right out of the movie when you see them. The next offender is Thanos’ CGI dog army. What the fuck was the point of that? I’m really tired of Hollywood throwing epic-sized pitch battles at us. They are overdone, and have completely lost the impact they once had. In The Lord of the Rings, those battles worked, but only because A) a lot of the orcs were humans in makeup, B) you got to know the bad guys a bit between battles, and C) there were emotional stakes because you didn’t know who was going to live or die (unless you read the books, I suppose). In this movie, none of that is true. The CGI dog army just shows up out of the blue, they were really poorly done CGI, and there were no emotional stakes whatsoever. You know that not a single main character is going to get killed by a CGI dog. So the entire thing looks fake, and is completely pointless.
And speaking of stakes, this movie has none. LOL BUT BRIK LOTS OF TEH AVENGRS DIED AT THE END OF TEH MOVIE SO YOUR TOTALY WRONG LOL! Well, you are right. Half the universe, including half the superheroes (except the DC ones) died at the end when Thanos got the infinity stones. But this is PG-13, sanitized, Disney fare. They are not going to let their most profitable franchise just be over. Besides, there are more Guardians of the Galaxy, Black Panther, and Doctor Strange movies coming in the future, and they all died in this movie. You know they are coming back. So, knowing that death is not permanent for anyone, the stakes are too low to give a shit about this movie. Rumor has it that Chris Evans wants out as Captain America, and may die for real in the next movie. Let’s hope so, because Captain America sucks.
Verdict: Bad
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2 Responses to “Avengers: Infinity War”


  1. 1 Rodney Twelftree
    April 12, 2019 at 5:08 pm

    All I can say is


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