Archive for the 'Rants' Category



17
Jul
10

Fake Indie Movies (AKA Fuck You, Hipsters)

There are a lot of movies I hate. For the most part, Hollywood can’t resist shoving recycled garbage down the throats of the movie-going public 52 weeks a year. Since 2004 there has been a growing number of “indie” movies released every year. The indie movie trend really exploded with the release of Napoleon Dynamite. Since then the term “indie film” has been Hollywood shorthand for “quirky independent comedy.” Unfortunately, the majority of the movies being passed around as “indie” are nothing close to being independent.

A truly independent film typically has a lot of features you will never find in a Hollywood “indie” movie. For example, if the movie was ever released in a national cinema chain (e.g. AMC, Harkins), then it was likely backed by a major studio, and thus is not independent. Real independent movies are not seen in the same cineplex that shows the latest Michael Bay summer shit-spectacular. They may play in a small theater dedicated to independent films, but usually they just make the rounds on the film festival circuit until they are either picked up for home video release or fade into obscurity.

Real independent movies are way too hardcore for the standard movie goer. They are grainy, often black and white, have really low production values, do not star any known actors, and many times deal with social issues or are completely confusing mindfucks. Perfect examples of this would be the movies Eraserhead by David Lynch and Pi by Darren Aronofsky. Continue reading ‘Fake Indie Movies (AKA Fuck You, Hipsters)’

16
Aug
09

Tale of the iPhone

iPhone, you are a magnificent bastard.

iPhone, you are a magnificent bastard.

So I finally broke down and joined the legion of iPhone carriers. My girlfriend is Original Gangsta, as she has the 2G phone. I’ve seen her use it for quite a long time now, and I decided that it was cool and I should get one of my own. The only problem was that I was still under contract with Alltel. That cell phone company has amazing service, but the worst phones on the goddamn planet. All their phones are cheap plasticky crap from 4 fucking years ago. I mean, seriously, if they had at least one decent phone, they wouldn’t have been swallowed up by Verizon. Anyway, I digress…

My contract finally ended, and the next day I was all set to make the switch to AT&T so I could get an iPhone 3GS. The “S” is for “suck” — err, I mean “speed,” the S is for “speed.”

Continue reading ‘Tale of the iPhone’

05
Mar
09

Horrible Roommates

My roommate is an undeniably huge asshole. Here is a list of things that he does (perhaps intentionally, I’m not sure) to piss me off:

  1. Throws twist-ties from plastic bags on the kitchen floor, even though the trash can is two feet away.
  2. Spills juice / drops food on the floor and doesn’t clean it up.
  3. Leaves 500 pairs of shoes in the entryway, strategically placed for me to trip over every time I enter or leave the apartment.
  4. When asked to clean up his messes, he says that he will, but doesn’t do it.
  5. When yelled at to clean up his messes, he assures me he will, but still doesn’t do it.
  6. Takes 30 minute showers (with the temperature as hot as possible) and then runs the bathroom sink for 15 minutes (also with the temperature as hot as possible) while he shaves. After all of this, if I try to take a shower, the water is ice cold.
  7. Doesn’t turn the shower all the way off, so the water is on all day long, which runs up the utility bill.
  8. Runs the heater in the summer, and the air conditioner in the winter.
  9. Starts talking and interrupts whatever I’m watching on TV without waiting for a commercial.
  10. Slams cabinet doors, bangs pots and pans, and rattles around the kitchen in the middle of the night, waking me up.
  11. Put knives into the knife block upside down.
  12. Runs the dryer at 7am while I’m trying to sleep.
  13. Leaves rotting food in the trash can so that the entire apartment smells like garbage.
  14. Explodes food in the microwave, and leaves toast in the toaster for up to a week at a time.
  15. Never turns off my DVD player, and it may remain on for up to 24 hours.
  16. Is able to run the dishwasher, but unable to empty it.
  17. Sleeps from 5pm to 2am, so if I watch TV with the volume on it always wakes him up.
  18. Doesn’t understand why I am constantly annoyed with him, and spend as little time at home as possible.
  19. Is generally inconsiderate, and has no idea how to live with other humans.
  20. Thinks his behavior is completely normal.

Do you have a horrible roommate? Let me know what they do to piss you off.

Verdict: Shitty

29
Dec
08

Fuck You, Air Travelers

I am sending out a giant FUCK YOU to everyone who was traveling by air this holiday season. But most especially to the selfish motherfuckers who put their goddamn oversized Gortex coats and laptop cases in the overhead bins (you know who you are). Those bins aren’t for your fucking coats and laptop cases, that’s what the spot underneath the seat is for. The bins are for the rolling carry-on’s that are too big to fit under the seat. But you assholes put your fucking shit up there and take up the space, so I can’t put my goddamn carry-on anywhere. There was this one guy in particular. I asked him if I could move his stuff (a laptop case and a coat – you guessed it), so I could put my carry-on into the bin above my seat. He said I could move it around, but he wouldn’t be altruistic enough to take it out of the bin. So much for the fucking holiday season, and looking out for your fellow man and all that bullshit. This was happening everywhere, and becoming such a big problem that they crew made a special announcement telling those assholes to put their small cases and coats under the seats so people could put their larger carry-on’s in the overhead bins. (This has been getting really bad since the airlines started charging for checking bags… so fuck you, too, airlines.) After the announcement was made, I looked around and failed to see a single person do this. This is something that could only happen in America, where we care more about our own fucking comfort than: 1) following the rules, or 2) doing something to aid our fellow man. I eventually did find a spot for my bag, although it was in the first class section, approximately fifty rows up from where I was sitting, crammed into a seat barely large enough for a small midget. So, the selfishness of the other air travelers really made my experience a great one. Thanks a lot, assholes. Go fuck yourselves.




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