Prometheus marks the long-awaited (by fans, at least) return of director Ridley Scott to the Alien movie franchise. No doubt he’s a great director, and he launched a well-loved series of movies, which later branched off into comics, toys, video games, etc. Unfortunately, the Alien series as a whole is filled with more trash than a landfill. Let’s take a brief look:
Aliens vs Predator: Requiem (2007) – Still fucking terrible, but at least it embraced its idiocy and went full out with death and mayhem.
So, out of six movies, only two are good. I’m surprised they kept making these things. They must have made a lot of money, because I’m sure people weren’t out there comparing this shit to Casablanca. At least they nailed two of the three R’s of shitty franchise sequel titles: Resurrection and Requiem. The only one they are missing is Redemption. I’m sure Alien Redemption is somewhere on the horizon.
When it was announced that a new Alien movie would be made, there was a collective groan across the internet, as if a million voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. That groan became a cheer when Ridley Scott came on board as the director. At last, we would get another goodAlien movie! It only took 27 years! Continue reading ‘Prometheus is Retconned Crap’
Apparently, everyone was cumming in their pants this summer over the new Spielberg movie, Super 8. Why? It can’t be because Spielberg is still relevant, because he’s not. The dude hasn’t directed a good movie since 1998. People act like he’s some kind of fucking omnipotent god of the cinema, but the reality is he just makes corny shit. Now I know what you’re thinking, “LOL BUT BRIK HE MAKES SUM GOOD MOVIES AND TEHY ARE TOTALY FUN AND AWESOME AND YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKIN ABOOT LOL!” Nothing in that statement is even remotely true or makes any sense. Let’s take a look at Spielberg’s filmography as a director from the last 10 years:
A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001) – Boring shit that would have been better directed by Kubrick.
Minority Report (2002) – Midget-sized Tom Cruise kidnaps some bitch and goes on the run.
Catch Me If You Can (2002) – Boring unfunny comedy.
The Terminal (2004) – Boring undramatic drama.
War of the Worlds (2005) – Unnecessary remake of a movie about aliens who decimate the Earth, but didn’t think to bring space suits and don’t have any knowledge of immune systems.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) – Teamed up with childhood-raping expert George Lucas to make this unnecessary sequel.
War Horse (2011) – Gay.
The Adventures of TinTin (2011) – Motion capture shit about some fucking French comic serial from the 30s-60s that no one cares about.
Spielberg built up a lot of street cred by making fun movies in the first phase of his career. He parlayed that into making serious films, which earned him critical acclaim in the second phase of his career. The third phase of Spielberg’s career has consisted of him jerking off while wondering what obscure shit from his childhood he can turn into a movie.
You see, now that he has a fanbase and a shitload of money, he’s just said “FUCK IT” and moved on to making self-indulgent masturbatory films for the benefit of no one. Go back and look at that list and tell me that even one of those movies is any better than mediocre. You can’t. Spielberg just isn’t trying anymore. He has so much goddamn money that his hunger and drive and desire to challenge himself and his audience is gone. He’s become so complacent that he’s incapable of directing something with soul or at the very least a good script.
I recently finished watching the Academy Award winning film, The King’s Speech. For those of you who have lives and don’t follow this kind of thing, this movie won awards for Best Actor, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, and Best Picture. Apart from that, it won a shit-ton of awards from all the other award shows that year. Hollywood has to have award shows monthly, because they need to continuously validate what they do for a living. Honestly, these people contribute nothing to society. Go ahead and tell me that the people who made Transformers 2 are adding things of cultural importance.
So, in order to satisfy their egos and justify getting paid millions of dollars for three-months of work a year, they need to give each other shiny metal statues. Somehow that tells them that yes, they are important. Not only that, they won this award, which means they are more awesome than they had previously realized! Here’s how a typical award presentation works.
Presenter: And the Jizzie award for Best Actor goes to, Douchey Guy!
Douchey Guy (feigning surprise): Wow, I can’t believe I won!
Presenter: Out of all the actors this year, you recited lines someone else wrote for you better than anyone else!
Douchey Guy: This is a tremendous honor.
Presenter: Who would you like to thank for this prestigious award?
Douchey Guy: My manager, my director, my mistress, my therapist, my tax attorney, my other therapist, my personal trainer, my wife, my kids, and Jesus.
For a long time I’ve been carefully watching for the end of the world. According to the Bible (the world’s most accurate and consistent book), the world will end in a fiery shit storm, ushered in by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Well, that time is here, albeit not in a form that anyone expected. In fact, all the pestilence, war, famine, and death are not coming literally, but figuratively in the world of cinema.
Horseman numero tres is none other than JAWSBUPS. Wait a second. Who the fuck is JAWSBUPS? Well, it actually isn’t a single director. It is an amalgamation of three small time, but horribly inept directors. Alone each of them is relatively harmless, but put together they combine to become the Voltron of shitty movies. JAWSBUPS breaks down to the original initials J.S., P.W.S.A., and U.B. Those initials stand for Joel Schumacher, Paul W. S. Anderson, and Uwe Boll.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “BUT BRIK THOSE GUYS HAVE MADE SUM GOOD MOVIES YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKIN ABOUT LOL!” You may feel like they have made some good movies, but you’d be wrong. Your memory is playing tricks on you. Let’s take a closer look at their combined efforts: Continue reading ‘4 Horsemen of the Film-Making Apocalypse: Part 3 – JAWSBUPS’
There is a fairly common misconception that nerds are smart. This has been propagated mostly by Hollywood in Revenge of the Nerds,Weird Science, and other countless generic “comedy” films. The truth is, however, that nerds are just as stupid as everyone else, especially when it comes to reviewing movies.
When James Cameron’s latest movie, Avatar, was released, it was expected to create a planet-wide nerdgasm so large it would create a rift in the space-time continuum. Surprisingly, it didn’t. Nevertheless, it was incredibly popular with the masses and nerds alike. But the biggest nerds of all (i.e. the forum dwellers and bloggers) hailed it as a steaming pile of crap. They hurled accusations that it was a big letdown in that it was “not original” and “not thought provoking” enough. Even my beloved NPR had the audacity to compare it to the forgettable pop song Tik Tok by Ke$ha.
It’s like they expected the plot of Avatar to be like the second coming of Christ. James Cameron never said, “I have written the first completely original story in the last 200 years.” The whole point of the movie was not to set the world ablaze with an incredibly original masterwork of fiction. It showcased a very basic plotline that had interesting characters, rousing action sequences, state of the art special effects, and blue alien sideboob. What’s not to like? Oh, I know what you’re thinking, “LOL BUT BRIK TEH PLOT IS EXACTLY LIKE DANCES WITH WOLFS LOL!” But so what? Who gives a shit? Every fucking sci-fi movie has recycled its plot from something else. Hell, Star Trek was described by its creator Gene Roddenberry as Wagon Train in outer space. Sci-fi was never known for original plots.
ALFatar: The epic sequel to Avatar.
And then nerds start bitching about how the acting is terrible, the characters are generic, and the drama is completely flat and uninspiring. These, of course, come from the same people who absolutely adored Transformers 2. I shit you not, these are two real posts from the same individual on a forum:
INTERNET IDIOT in the Avatar Forum Thread: You know I just thought Avatar’s plot was super generic. There were just a bunch of explosions and nothing to really think about in the plot.
THE SAME INTERNET IDIOT in the Transformers 2 Forum Thread: I don’t see why you guys are all hating on Transformers. So what if its just a bunch of shooting and explosions. Its not supposed to be deep. You aren’t supposed to think about it. Its just supposed to be fun!
This is the kind of thing that really pisses me off, inconsistency. Just be consistent, people. If you are going to hate on Avatar for thinking the plot sucks, then don’t run off to defend Transformers 2 for having a weak ass plot. This is why I hate nerds. Actually, this is why I hate everyone. People just don’t have the ability to remain objective at all. They like to jerk off to giant robots, so Transformers’ failings are forgiven, but they don’t like to jerk off to blue CGI babes, so Avatar is crucified. It’s ridiculous.
What’s even more ridiculous are the criticisms that have come from non-nerds. The idiots really came out of the wordwork across the planet to take aim at Avatar. Here is a list of some of the most moronic complaints I have read about the film:
HINDUS: The word “avatar” is used in our religion, and we don’t like that it is the title of this movie. Never mind that the term “avatar” has been circulating on the Internet for years. BAWWWWW!
AMERICAN REPUBLICANS: The villains in this movie are United States Marines. Therefore, this entire movie is Anti-American. Never mind the fact that in the movie the villains are actually mercenaries. BAWWWWW!
AMERICAN REPUBLICANS PART 2: This movie preaches environmentalism. The Bible proves that environmentalism is bad. DESTROY THE EARTH! THAT’S WHAT JESUS WOULD DO!
CHRISTIAN FANATICS: Avatar has a New Age, pagan, anti-capitalist message that promotes goddess worship and the destruction of the human race. Never mind that we issued this criticism before the movie was ever released or seen by anyone. BAWWWWW!
THE NEW YORK TIMES: This movie reinforces stereotypes about colonialism. It shows that tribal people need the White Messiah to help them overcome adversity. We still live in the 1960s and are so politically correct that we think everyone constantly obsesses over race. We are huge tools! BAWWWWW!
CHINESE GOVERNMENT: This movie depicts us as evil, and the good guys are clearly meant to be Tibetans. We must immediately ban this movie from all Chinese cinemas. BAWWWWW!
PALESTINIANS: This movie is a perfect depiction of our plight! Yay, Avatar has sided with us against the Isrealis! (Oh wait, I guess that isn’t a criticism, is it?)
PRETENTIOUS FILM FAGS: I can’t believe this was nominated for Best Picture! It doesn’t even have two gay cowboys eating pudding! BAWWWWW!
HISTORY FANBOYS: Hey, look! They stole the Pocahontas story! BAWWWWW!
AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER FANS: They stole the title of our live-action movie! BAWWWWW!
To sum things up, everyone is an idiot. People from all corners of the globe have made the most ludicrous criticisms of a fucking sci-fi action adventure movie. You are all reading way too much into this. OK, sure, the story is just like the Pocahontas story. And yeah, it isn’t groundbreaking in terms of originality. But who gives a fuck? What was the last movie you saw that was totally original? Nothing. Because every story has already been done. And it has already been done a million times over. James Cameron was able to synthesize a bunch of old movie cliches and frame them into something exciting and (relatively) unique. It’s something that 99% of the turds Hollywood shits out every year can not achieve. Why should this one film be held to a higher standard than Transformers or other generic crap Hollywood can produce?
Just in case you were thinking that I am one of those Avatard’s who worship the movie like the holy grail, think again. The people who put it upon a pedestal are some seriously cracked-out buffoons. They, like everyone else, are idiots. Here is an actual post from an Avatar forum:
AVATARD: I cant stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers i got from it. I even contemplated suicide thinking that if i do i will be re birthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in Avatar.
Behind the scenes of the Avatar porno.
Avatar was a lot of fun to watch. That’s all I care about. I don’t care if it is or isn’t a critique on the Iraq War. I don’t care if it has an environmentalist message. And I certainly don’t give a crap about the whole 3D experience. I hope that it will be the next movie fad to die a quick death. But what I do care about is that my movies are entertaining and memorable. Avatar is both of those.
Verdict: Awesome
P.S. For those of you who don’t agree with me, here is a message from Sexman that is sure to change your mind.
Awesomely Shitty 