Posts Tagged ‘arnold

31
Aug
13

A Good Day to Die Hard made its Last Stand but took a Bullet to the Head

The three biggest action stars of the 80s and 90s all tried to make a serious comeback in 2013 by starring in action extravaganzas. Unfortunately, their glory days are behind them. Instead of capturing the magic of the 80s and turning in entertaining spectacles of wanton violence, they gave us three smelly turds. As much as they want me to enjoy their shit, well, Planet Hollywood went out of business a long time ago.

Knowing these movies would be terrible, I decided to wait until they hit the second-run theater. Spending a grand total of $8 to see them (instead of $27) was a blessing.

“What am I supposed to be looking at? The car? This is just a goddamn Chevy commercial, isn’t it?”

First, I watched The Last Stand. This was supposed to be Arnold Schwarzenegger’s triumphant return to action. Sure, he had a small part in The Expendables 2, but he wasn’t headlining, and nobody saw that crapfest, anyway. This movie was directed by Kim Ji-woon, the same guy who directed the horrendous I Saw the Devil. Going into this, I had no idea he was the director. As soon as I saw his name, I knew I was in for a shitty time.

This movie goes out of its way to let us know Arnold is “too old for this shit.” He’s a weary, rundown sheriff of a small town in Arizona. He limps around with a hunched back and arthritis. Of course, once the bullets start flying, he performs acrobatics like a 20-year-old gymnast. How was this possible? Did he snort several lines of coke beforehand? Anyway, it turns out that this movie is just a 100-minute long commercial for the Chevy Corvette C6ZR1. The villain drives one of these for half the movie, and the camera does all these crazy close ups and zoom-ins, like a porn director on a girl’s vag.  I half expected the villain to start jacking off inside the car.

Continue reading ‘A Good Day to Die Hard made its Last Stand but took a Bullet to the Head’

29
Jul
11

Reasons Why Predator is Better than The King’s Speech

The Fight of the Century.

I recently finished watching the Academy Award winning film, The King’s Speech. For those of you who have lives and don’t follow this kind of thing, this movie won awards for Best Actor, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, and Best Picture. Apart from that, it won a shit-ton of awards from all the other award shows that year. Hollywood has to have award shows monthly, because they need to continuously validate what they do for a living. Honestly, these people contribute nothing to society. Go ahead and tell me that the people who made Transformers 2 are adding things of cultural importance.

So, in order to satisfy their egos and justify getting paid millions of dollars for three-months of work a year, they need to give each other shiny metal statues. Somehow that tells them that yes, they are important. Not only that, they won this award, which means they are more awesome than they had previously realized! Here’s how a typical award presentation works.

Presenter: And the Jizzie award for Best Actor goes to, Douchey Guy!

Douchey Guy (feigning surprise): Wow, I can’t believe I won!

Presenter: Out of all the actors this year, you recited lines someone else wrote for you better than anyone else!

Douchey Guy: This is a tremendous honor.

Presenter: Who would you like to thank for this prestigious award?

Douchey Guy: My manager, my director, my mistress, my therapist, my tax attorney, my other therapist, my personal trainer, my wife, my kids, and Jesus.

Continue reading ‘Reasons Why Predator is Better than The King’s Speech’




August 2022
M T W T F S S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031  

Archives

BrikHaus - Find me on Bloggers.com

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 411 other followers