Classically Shitty: Raging Bull

Raging pug?

Raging Bull is another one of those “classic” movies the film-fags love. Just take a look at this quote from a professional film critic. It pretty much sums up everything the film-fags think about this movie: “An essential addition to the libraries of all true cinephiles, the film is a triumph both for De Niro and his director, Martin Scorsese.”

It’s amazing to me that these fuckers loved this piece of shit so much. It also amazes me how film-fags refer to themselves as “cinephiles,” which is one of the most pretentious -sounding things I’ve ever heard. These people probably sit around in their skinny jeans, berets and striped shirts, smoking cigarettes, eating baguettes, and talking in fake French accents about how their taste in movies runs so much deeper than that of the average person.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the capability to express in words how much this movie sucks ass. The English language doesn’t have strong enough curse words to truly convey my hatred for Raging Bull. So, I decided to illustrate my reactions to the viewing experience by showing you pictures of pugs.

The Zen of Spam 2

Maintaining a blog for three and a half years has its perks. One of the best parts is getting great spam messages in the comment inbox. While most of them are links to porn sites or incoherent gibberish, there are some that are comedic gems. I have listed some of my favorites, in no particular order. Read them and meditate. To understand them is to achieve enlightenment.

• Hi Jslittlelady, Enjoyed your post, sure did bring back some memories. I have come to really love the OTK spankings, they are my favorite. .I hate it when sailor puts me over the bed, then I know I am really in for it. .Hugs .Lil Sam

Dude, I think you got the wrong blog. Jslittlelady does not work here. And which post reminded you of a sailor putting you over a bed and spanking you? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that some people are able to get off just by reading Awesomely Shitty. After all, it is an amazing blog.

• Alright this is my final idea, CPBO: Club Penguin Black Ops. I was thinking maybe it could be a secret branch of CPR. I have the uniform already too, The Rescue helmet,Red sun glasses, Red guitar, Climbing Backpack, Hiking boots, and the Ninja Suit ( cause the Black Ops need to be the best ). Thats my army idea. Please approve. O and if you approve i was thinking our first mission could be to go undercover and see if ACP is really “Attackers/Anti Club Pengiun or Army of Club Penguin”. Once again please approve. Takashiemiko Rangers Lead The Way!!

Club Penguin Black Ops? As a secret branch of CPR? So while you’re doing chest compressions some ninjas in penguin suits come in to attack backpackers? Now I’m starting to get confused. I really don’t see how that’s going to improve CPR, but I guess I’ll try anything once.

• Gays….what you’re not supposed to know…Sermon Notes from Week # 2 ofConan the Barbarian – Probably the Greatest Movie Ever Made

What is it that I’m not supposed to know about gays? I know they can be like a secret society, but is this some kind of doomsday warning? Please tell me! Now I’m getting really worried! And what does this have to do with Conan the Barbarian? Does it promote some kind of secret gay agenda? Somebody help!

Classically Shitty: Citizen Kane – A Tale of Forbidden Love

I bet Kane wishes Leland was underneath him right now.

Extra! Extra! Read All About it!

Greatest Film of All Time Reviewed by BrikHaus!

Citizen Kane is considered to be the greatest film of all time. Rotten Tomatoes gives it a score of 100%, the American Film Institute (whatever the fuck that is) ranked it as the #1 film ever made (apparently they haven’t seen Conan the Barbarian), and every film school instructor in the world jerks off to it on a regular basis. The real question we should be asking is: Why? Why do so many people give so many shits about this movie?

Film-fags will throw around terms like, “Deep Focus” and “Low-Angle Shots” and “Lightning Mix.” Those are film-making techniques that director Orson Welles helped to pioneer in this movie. Innovative techniques are not a reason for Citizen Kane to be called the greatest movie of all time. That would be like saying the 1893 Duryea Motor Wagon was the greatest car of all time because it had a 4 horsepower, single cylinder gasoline engine, a friction transmission, a spray carburetor, and low tension ignition.

You could say that Orson Welles is the “greatest pioneering film director of all time” but that has little to do with his movie being the best ever. So, again, why do people fawn all over this movie? Here’s why: it’s about gays. Yes, that’s right. It was a pioneering film with a rich subtext about a homosexual love affair. Orson Welles had HUGE balls to make a movie about gay love in 1941, and that is the reason it remains such a beloved classic to this day.

Conan the Barbarian – Probably the Greatest Movie Ever Made

Conan the Barbarian is probably the greatest movie ever made. I recently rewatched it on Blu-Ray for the 11,000th time. The sheer bliss I experienced while watching all that cinematic sex and carnage led me to realize that this is probably the pinnacle of human creation. No one will ever make a piece of art more endearing, more inspiring than this film. So why is Conan the Barbarian the greatest movie ever made? Let’s take a look at some of the reasons.

1.) Sword Fighting – Whenever you include sword fighting, it ALWAYS improves the quality of your movie. Just try to think of one movie that wasn’t improved by sword fighting. You can’t. It doesn’t exist. A movie with sword fighting is going to be better than one without, every single time. Take a look at this picture from 500 Days of Summer.

JGL and Zooey: an indie match made in heaven.

It looks fine and all, but compare it to this picture from Conan the Barbarian.

Bloody swords improve everything 100 fold

The improvements are obvious. Clearly, the addition of the sword makes Conan the better film.