Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice

Just when it seems like superhero movies can’t get any worse, the studios manage to shit out a fouler turd than ever before. Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice (you can’t believe how much I hate typing that long-winded, dumbass title) is definitely in the top 3 worst big-budget superhero movies I’ve ever seen. Fantastic Four and Green Lantern are the only ones that somehow managed to be worse, but only by a slim margin, because BVS is really fucking terrible.

The movie begins with yet another recap of Batman’s origins. Seriously, every goddamn person on the planet knows Batman’s origins, we don’t need to see it rehashed again, especially since we had an entire movie, Batman Begins, dedicated to his origins, and it isn’t even that old. Except this time, it’s overwrought, and inter-spliced with Bruce Wayne’s flashbacks/nightmares. For some reason, Bruce Wayne has zombie/desert nightmares which make no sense and add nothing of value to the movie. This comes along with Lois Lane’s incomprehensible-to-the-plot voyage into the Middle East to do a journalistic expose on . . . something. What the fuck was the point of these scenes?

Suicide Squad, The Lego Batman Movie

Suicide Squad

The first supervillain team-up movie features Batman’s rogues gallery, although, it’s comprised mostly of his second stringers like Deadshot, Killer Croc, Harley Quinn, etc. The crux of the film is that the U.S. government wants a special team of bad guys to be able to combat superheroes if the need arises.

The plotting is horrible, even for a comic book movie. The team assembles, and immediately one of the members (Enchantress) goes double-rogue and tries to kill all humanity. Of course, if they hadn’t put the team together in the first place, none of this would have happened. But the Hollywood executives behind this movie figured that the movie-going public are a bunch of mouth-breathers who wouldn’t notice.

The “action” is incredibly dull. The characters virtually stand still as they stiffly stab or shoot generic monsters. They move from Point A to Point B until they ultimately defeat Enchantress. A couple of them die, but since they are all underdeveloped, you feel nothing for them. Deadshot and Harley have the most backstory, but still leave a lot wanting. Perhaps whittling the team down to just two or three characters would have yielded better results.

Will Smith is fine, doing his usual shtick, Margot Robbie is perfect as Harley Quinn, and Jared Leto is an OK Joker, but really hard to take as a menacing figure with his grill and all his tats. The Batman cameos were interesting, but rather pointless.

All in all, this was a weak, directionless, sloppy entry into DC’s cinematic universe. It made boatloads of money, though, so I suppose we can expect more of this dreck in the future.

Verdict: Shitty

The Lego Batman Movie

I wasn’t a huge fan of the first Lego Movie. I realize I’m the only person on Earth who didn’t like it, but I hate everything, so you shouldn’t be surprised. Well, I do like Batman, so I went into this one a bit more hopeful. Fortunately, this time I wasn’t disappointed. Lego Batman was a very funny film, managing to lovingly skewer all things Batman. They make jokes about the franchise, but not at its expense. The writers clearly understand and enjoy Batman, and make references to all the series’ various incarnations from comics to animated series to Adam West’s campy 60’s version. I even enjoyed the references to other franchises such as Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. Will Arnett and Michael Cera were perfect as Batman and Robin, respectively. Zach Galifianakis’ version of the Joker was kind of shitty, but other than that I don’t have much to complain about. This one was a lot of fun.

Verdict: Good

 

 

Fuck your cinematic universe

This is a movie I never want to see.

OK, we need to have a talk. A serious talk. Why don’t you sit down over there?

*takes deep breath*

I heard you were doing something you shouldn’t be.

*holds out hand to stop a response*

I know, I know, you were probably just experimenting. And that’s OK. When I was your age, I experimented with stuff, too. You’re young, and you want to explore the world. Maybe you want to experiment with the same sex, or drugs, or a different religion. You know what? That’s OK. That’s how you discover yourself and become the person you are going to be as an adult.

*crosses arms over chest*

But there is one thing you should never experiment with. Something that, if you get involved with, can lead you down a very dark path. You might never come back from it.

*narrows eyes*

I heard from a friend of yours, that you…

*sighs*

…were thinking of starting your own cinematic universe.

Green Lantern: Best or Worst Superhero Movie? (Answer: Worst)

Holy shit, even the poster is 100% CGI.

In a time when superhero movies are all the rage, and they gets lavished with great casts, shitloads of money, and decent writing, you would think that Hollywood would have this down to a formula. But, nope, they don’t. That much is evident with Green Lantern. This movie is a colossal piece of shit starring Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan, a dopey guy who gets omnipotent green mist powers…or something. Green Lantern falters every step of the way.

Reynolds’ character is paper-thin. Reynolds pretty much plays himself, as he does in every role, a handsome, wise-cracking, irresponsible, self-centered jerk with a heart of gold. His act has grown tiresome, and watching him cavort around on screen yet again is exhausting. His girlfriend, Blake Lively, is nothing more than a generically pretty, but vapid, and incredibly unbelievable higher-up in a multi-national aircraft corporation. While Reynolds at least has his typical manic energy, Lively sleepwalks through the movie. Every time she showed up, I felt myself drifting off.

Screw You, Marvel

This is exactly what Marvel is doing to their properties.

All of Marvel’s upcoming movies are going to be trash.

A decade ago, movie adaptations of comic books were a joke. With the exception of the 1989 Batman and 1978 Superman films, they were laughable at best, and huge steaming piles of shit at worst. The problem was that nobody took it seriously, not even the creators. They made them campy and hokey, and self-referentially stupid. They were the lowest common denominator of movies. They became a self-fulfilling prophecy of crappy movie-making. After all, if the filmmakers themselves treated the properties like shit, then the movies would inevitably turn out to be shit. The industry chugged along, and churned out turd after turd with the occasional, anomalous decent movie like Blade in 1998.

Fast forward to 2002, and the release of Spider-Man. Suddenly, we had a GOOD live action version of a comic book movie. How did it turn out good, you ask? Well, let me answer that for you. The simple reason was that the director, Sam Raimi, had been a longtime fan of the comic book series. He wanted to stay as true to the character as possible while adapting him for the more difficult live action film environment. Naturally, certain things needed to be changed, but they were done with as much care as possible. The characters and situations were taken seriously, and given the right amount of gravity with occasional moments of levity thrown in to keep things fun. The script was solid, the actors were well cast and talented, and everything flowed together seamlessly. It just worked. Worldwide, that movie grossed over $800 million. People were screaming about how awesome the movie was, and all of a sudden it wasn’t nerdy to like comics any more.