Posts Tagged ‘Denzel Washington

17
Feb
12

Michael F. Assbender is in Everything

Hello, handsome.

Have you heard of this actor Michael F. Assbender? Well, you should have, because he was in every movie in 2011, and will be starring in every movie in 2012.

Michael F. Assbender is a mythological figure on par with Hercules or Vishnu or John McCain. In fact, Assbender didn’t even exist until the year 2009. He snapped into existence, seemingly at the will of Quentin Tarantino, in order to play a role in the film Inglourious Basterds. If you check out IMDB or Wikipedia, you’ll find an elaborate biography and many roles predating his 2009 debut. Don’t believe those. THEY ARE LIES! They are just an intricate backstory created by the Illuminati so people wouldn’t freak out about the implications of a famous actor being willed into existence.

I don't know what's going on here, either.

Tarantino’s cocaine-fueled revisionary history film was seen by throngs of people, and they were all exposed to their first glimpse of Assbender. People were so enthralled by his unfathomably good looks that they clamored for more. Immediately, Hollywood jumped aboard the Assbender train. After all, if a handsome white British actor can’t be popular, then who can?

Assbender quickly started to take roles in every movie known to man. Assbender didn’t discriminate. He took roles in indie-films and big budget Hollywood shit-spectaculars.

In 2010 he starred in Centurion, Jonah Hex, and videogame Fable III. In 2011 Assbender could be seen in Jane Eyre, X-Men: First Class, A Dangerous Method, Shame, and Pitch Black Heist. In 2012 he will be in Haywire, Prometheus, Twelve Years a Slave, and Your Mom’s Sexual Fantasies.

His acting style is best described as Assbending. He speaks both English AND German. He has smoldering good looks. He stares into the camera with steely eyes. His on-screen persona makes your girlfriend’s panties moist. His mere presence in a movie makes everything electrifying. That, my friends, is the essence of Assbending.

ACTING!

Of course, 2012 is only just getting underway so we should expect a lot more Assbending to come throughout the year. He seems to be experiencing exponential growth in terms of starring in movies. Take a look:

  • 2009: one role
  • 2010: three roles
  • 2011: five roles
  • 2012: nineteen roles
  • 2013: one hundred thirty-seven roles
  • 2014: nine hundred ninety-nine roles
  • 2015: all movie roles portrayed by Assbender

We are well on our way to total movie domination by Assbender. And why shouldn’t we be? The guy is talented. He was able to play a spy, a psychiatrist, a rich dude, an angry mutant, and a sex fiend with a big Fasspenis. A multi-talented thespian such as him should really be in every movie.

Assbender makes psychiatry sexy.

The only people that can come close to rivaling him in being in everything are Natalie Portman and Samuel L. Jackson. Considering Assbender’s exponential rise to fame, he will overcome his two competitors in a matter of time.

Michael F. Assbender is unstoppable, just like that train from the movie Unstoppable. All we need now is for some talented director (e.g. George Lucas) to digitally remove actors from past movies and replace them with Assbender. There shouldn’t be a film in existence that doesn’t include Assbender in at least one role. Could you imagine how cool it would be to watch Gone With the Wind and see Assbender in a dress say: “Rhett! If you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?” only to see Assbender in a suit reply: “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

That would be so awesome.

So here’s to Assbender and years of Assbending to come. Wait, what’s that? His name is Fassbender? Oh, goddammit.

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21
Jun
10

The Book of Fallout

The apocalypse appears to be progressing nicely.

If there is one thing Hollywood knows how to do, it’s rip off something popular. When Gladiator was a surprise hit, we got a rush of sword and sandals epics including Troy (shitty), Alexander (shitty), and 300 (shitty). Next, when Lord of the Rings hit the jackpot, we got a shitload of epic fantasies like The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (average-good depending on my mood), Eragon (shitty), and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (extra double shitty for such a retardedly long title). After that, Twilight has hit it big, and there have been a million goddamn clones of that.

It seems that the typical Hollywood executive thinks, “Oh man, if people loved [movie X], then they’ll definitely want to see 15 more movies in the exact same genre and style! I’m a fucking genius! More cocaine and hookers for everyone!” This is no more apparent than in the recent Denzel Washington movie The Book of Fallout 3, err sorry, I mean The Book of Eli.

So how exactly is this a typical Hollywood rip-off? Well, it’s not a rip-off in the same sense that the Dawn of the Dead remake spurned a decade’s worth of mediocre zombie movies. It’s more that it is a near duplicate, albeit an inferior one, of the incredibly popular video game Fallout 3. The game takes place in the post-apocalyptic United States (ok, nothing new there, I realize that), and it features the adventures of the “Lone Wanderer” through a barren wasteland (I know, still nothing new). What sets it apart from everything else was how well it portrayed all the minutiae of life in a post-apocalyptic world. Continue reading ‘The Book of Fallout’




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