Posts Tagged ‘Disney

17
Jun
18

Solo: A Star Wars Schlock

The latest Star Wars movie, directed by Ron Howard, is the most Ron Howardiest movie Ron Howard has ever Ron Howarded. That is to say, it’s pretty average. It’s not offensive, it takes no risks, and it offers nothing interesting or unique to the Star Wars canon. From the outset, the entire movie was a mistake. Nobody cared about Han Solo’s origin story. The first film, A New Hope, was Han Solo’s origin story. He was a smuggler who only cared about himself, and who ultimately came around to helping others. It was a perfect, if somewhat shallow, character arc. We didn’t need to see what he was up to when he was younger. This only removes the character’s mysteries, and makes his backstory more complicated, and not in a good way.
The movie begins with Han on his home planet of Corellia, where he scrapes by dealing with shady gangsters. He tries to escape the planet with his girlfriend, Emilia Clarke, but she is unable to get out. Han enlists in the Empire to become a pilot with the goal of one day returning to Corellia to save Clarke. The movie then skips over what would probably have been the most interesting part of his past: seeing Han as an Imperial pilot who washes out of the academy due to bad behavior. We could have had a Star Wars version of Top Gun, which would have been a totally unique spin on the franchise. Instead, we follow Han who is now in the Imperial infantry (although why is he not a Storm Trooper?), where he meets up with Woody Harrelson, and joins his criminal organization. They botch a train robbery, and the second half of the film follows their efforts to pay back the main bad guy who was expecting a big payday from said robbery. Along the way we are introduced to Chewbacca and Lando Calrissian, and learn the origins of Han’s greatest exploits. Yawn.

Continue reading ‘Solo: A Star Wars Schlock’

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24
Dec
17

My Star Wars VIII: The Last Jedi Review (Guess What, I Didn’t Like It)

Reviewing Star Wars films objectively is an impossible task. They have baggage. Whether it’s preconceived notions of how the audience thinks events should unfold, or whether it’s just getting a glorious nostalgia bomb, no one is watching these films objectively. No critic and no fan can watch these films with a completely open mind. Many of us weren’t even alive when the first one came out, so Star Wars has always been with us. That being said, I’m going to try to lay out my thoughts on the newest film in the series, Star Wars VIII: The Last Jedi. I’ll probably do a terrible job, and you’ll probably think I’m a virgin moron, but hey, let’s give it a shot anyway.

The greatest crime a film in a franchise can commit is rehashing things that were already done. Case in point, Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens was little more than a remake of the first Star Wars film. Sure, it had a few cool moments, and yeah Kylo Ren was a good villain, but generally it was a giant waste of celluloid. The Last Jedi, at least, is not a remake of any of the other films in the series. Because of this, it is automatically a better movie than The Force Awakens. But does that mean The Last Jedi is a good movie? No, far from it.

The Last Jedi suffers from terrible plotting issues, pointless scenes, useless characters, woeful editing, gaps in logic, dumb humor, and it still cribs from the original trilogy. I suppose most of the blame should lie with Rian Johnson. The instant the movie ended, John Williams’ score boomed into the theater along with the text that said, “Written and Directed by Rian Johnson.” So, since he’s taking full credit, he should also get full blame.

Continue reading ‘My Star Wars VIII: The Last Jedi Review (Guess What, I Didn’t Like It)’

05
Aug
17

Pirates of the Caribbean 5, John Wick 2

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

The fifth film in the franchise tells a bit of an origin story, showing how Jack Sparrow became Jack Sparrow. He double-crossed (of course) a ruthless privateer when he was a young man, and simultaneously became captain of his first ship. Decades later, the privateer, Captain Salazar, returns from beyond the grave to exact his revenge.

This outing was a step up from the previous one, Pirates of the Caribbean: I Can’t Even Remember What It Was About. It was essentially a rehash of the first movie, featuring young male and female leads who are in search of a fantasy McGuffin, and reluctantly enlist Jack Sparrow’s help in order to get it. While it is a rehash, it doesn’t contain the same effortless storytelling, and elements of whimsy and adventure the first film had. Let’s face it, the first film in the series is a modern classic, and they haven’t been able to recapture that.

This film wasn’t a complete waste. While most of the jokes were lame and forced, some of them absolutely worked. There was still a sense of high-seas adventure, although held back a bit by an over-reliance on CGI. Instead of letting two ships duke it out in a naval battle, they had to throw in stupid bullshit like the mast coming to life and attacking Jack Sparrow (ugh, why?). Back on the positive side, the finale was pretty inventive, and I loved the Black Pearl dropping anchor as it skirted the edge of the ocean.

Johnny Depp is still watchable as Jack Sparrow, and there was fun to be had in this film. Overall, though, the franchise is completely out of steam. It wasn’t exactly a memorable film, but it wasn’t complete garbage. Disney should do the smart thing and end the series on a decent note. But they probably won’t, and will make another one.

Verdict: Average

John Wick 2

 

Taking place immediately after the first film ended, John Wick 2 shows Keanu Reeves getting deeper into trouble in the world of assassins he tried to leave behind. An old ally of his returned and cashed in a favor Reeves owed him. Then, the ally double-crossed Reeves, making him the target of every assassin on the planet. The action scenes were incredibly inventive, flashy, and a whole lot of fun. The only thing that didn’t work for me was Reeve’s bullet-proof suit, which made him nigh-indestructible. Other than that, I liked everything about this movie. I especially enjoyed the hall-of-mirrors finale, and kept on wondering how they filmed it without ever showing the crew. All in all this was a worthy sequel in a cool-as-hell franchise.

Verdict: Awesome

29
Apr
17

Sing (No, Please, Don’t)

Now that I have a kid who’s old enough to take to the movies, you can expect to see more children’s film reviews. So, yeah, enjoy these, everyone.

Sing is the latest in a long line of non-Disney animated films that tries hard but misses the point entirely. You see, most non-Disney animated movies think that all they need to be good is a bunch of brightly colored animals cavorting around on-screen. Kids aren’t that stupid. Movies don’t have to pander to them.

Sing is about a koala who owns a failing theater. As a last-ditch effort to save the theater (save the rec center, amirite?), he hosts a singing competition a la American Idol. What follows is a parade of animals singing popular songs. The songs are strung together at regularly intervals to hold together the paper-thin plot.

Continue reading ‘Sing (No, Please, Don’t)’

14
May
16

Captain America: Civil War AKA WTF Did I Just Watch?

Full disclosure, here is a list of Marvel Cinematic Universe properties I haven’t seen: Captain America 2, Thor 2, Iron Man 3, Avengers 2, Ant-Man, Agents of SHIELD, Agent Carter, Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Amazing Spider-Man, and Amazing Spider-Man 2. So, I probably wasn’t prepared for Captain America 3: The Combining of All Properties Civil War. Seeing this movie presented an interesting experiment: watch a bunch of characters I’m not very familiar with cavort on-screen, and try to see if I can figure out what the hell is going on.

Civil War is about Selfless Captain America fighting for truth, justice, and the American way. Err, wait no, scratch that. Civil War is about Sanctimonious Captain America defending his psycho assassin best friend despite the fact he’s a murderous lunatic who deserves to rot in a prison cell.

Continue reading ‘Captain America: Civil War AKA WTF Did I Just Watch?’

09
Jan
16

Star Wars VII: The Remake

Disney: We want to make a new Star Wars movie. Who’s the most generic director working today that won’t offend anyone with a unique style?

Lucasfilm: J.J. Abrams.

Disney: OK, hire him.

Lucasfilm: Done. Here he is.

Abrams: Hi.

Disney: We want you to direct a new Star Wars movie. But you can’t do anything too crazy like the prequels. They have to be exactly like the original trilogy, you know, the movies that people liked.

Abrams: Sure, no problem.

Disney: What ideas do you have for Episode VII?

Abrams: The main character should be a kid who is a genius pilot living on a backwater desert planet.

Disney: So, Luke Skywalker on Tatooine?

Abrams: No, Rey Noname living on Jakku.

Disney: And who will train Rey in the Force? Luke?

Abrams: No, we won’t waste the audience’s time with training sequences. Rey will become a Force master in about five minutes.

Disney: Okay, sounds great. What else have you got?

Abrams: How about a struggle between the First Order and the Resistance for control of the galaxy?

Disney: So, the Empire versus the Rebellion?

Abrams: No, no, this time it’s totally different. You see, the Galactic Republic exists again, and the Resistance backs them. Although why the Resistance would be called the Resistance when they are upholding the current regime is anyone’s guess. And the First Order are super-powerful bad guys who have Storm Troopers and Sith Lords and everything.

Disney: You’ve got to bring back the old characters. People won’t see if it there aren’t any familiar faces.

Abrams: Oh, I ‘ve got that all figured out. We’ve got Han Solo and Chewbacca ready to go. Han looks so decrepit he’s got one foot in the grave. Chewie looks good though. Not a gray hair on him. He hasn’t aged a day.

Continue reading ‘Star Wars VII: The Remake’

24
May
15

Guardians of the Galaxy Took a Shit on the Universe

The latest mega-blockbuster from unstoppable Marvel Studios was Guardians of the Galaxy. People hailed it as the greatest cinematic achievement since the introduction of the talkie. It was heralded as the best movie of the year. It had everything: action, adventure, comedy, and wonder. It also had a giant sentient tree and a talking raccoon. Let’s face facts here, people. Guardians of the Galaxy was passable summer fare. It wasn’t revolutionary, it didn’t do anything that hasn’t already been done before. It was an average, braindead, popcorn movie that doesn’t have a lot of rewatch value.

I say Guardians is braindead because it requires no active thought on the part of the viewer. All the audience is required to do is sit back, relax, and DURR WATCH DEM EXPLOSIONS BLOW STUFF UP REAL GOOD DURR! As you start to curl your hands into angry fists, take a second to think about that last statement. Try hard to think of a single scene in Guardians that challenges your brain, has a plot twist, leaves something ambiguous, or posits a viewpoint that might challenge your deeply set beliefs about morality or cultures or relationships. Guardians doesn’t do anything close to any of that. All it does is blow shit up.

Continue reading ‘Guardians of the Galaxy Took a Shit on the Universe’




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